All those things are happening that I've read about.

May 30 I check my phone to see if he's called or messaged. I wonder if he misses me. I keep hoping he doesn't think I let him down. Grief comes in waves. Having to face getting rid of his stuff. Not being able to breathe cuz airways close up. The huge hole Feeling the need to contact him. Starting to do the stuff I routinely did for him and then remembering it's not necessary any more Looking up and thinking you saw them Looking over to where they aften sat but it's empty Guild: He did not want to die. The dailyness of it: everyday I wake up and he's not there.

I did not know the hole would be this big

May 21. I feel like I betrayed him. But he wouldn't go by himself. I practically begged him to. I think I should not be this upset about the loss of a dog. He was only a dog. I don't griev random humans though, do i? It's the relationship that matters. I experienced an "I can't breathe" moment. I really could't breathe, though I was trying to. The airways closed up. He did not want to die. I could see it in his eyes.

Bandit is dead

We put Bandit down on Friday, May 20, 2022. The grief comes in waves. His teeth failed him. They were bleeding continuously. Something in his mouth was bleeding continuously. We, Jim and me took him to the Humane Society in Boulder for euthanasia and private cremation. We'll get his ashes back. I'll put them in the yard with the finches and Dice. Decided last night. Made appt this morning for 1:00. Spent the moring crying and sitting with him. Drove in to Bouder. It was raining. He did not want to go in. He knew, probably. Sat with him while injection. He fell asleep right away. I hope he died then. I'm not totally sure. Yes of course he did. They told me sedative and heart stopper. I thought there would be two injections but there was only one. He fell asleep right away. He's gone. I was with him when he died. I wanted to have been with him when he died. I miss him. I've been crying a lot. I keep thinking he'll call or message. I understand wanting to see the dead so one last time. Wishing I could pet him again. When it's over it's over.

In another universe I'm happy

Not that I'm not happy here, but maybe I could be happier. Surrounded by family and friends, for example, instead of eating dinner alone on my bed.

Last Text with Rhiannon

I was being difficult, admittedly. But she was being particularly assholey, too. God I'm sick of people who believe they know it all. How is it that that's the only kind of people I know? Am I really the only one who doesn't know all that much?

The sad thing is, she won't even notice if I don't text or call her, because we rarely talk. A couple times a year, maybe. She doesn't know me at all, nor I her.

Dice died

Peacefully Monday afternoon. She'd had a breakfast of oat bread, liver powder and egg, and Don had taken her on a walk around the neighborhood. I'm glad we gave her a good life.

Arteriovenous malformation

I've got one. And it bled a little in my brain. That's not a good thing. If it does it again I could be fucked.

Love Poems

I sent him one. He said it was sweet and he didn't know what to say. I am such an idiot. Such a fricking idiot. God I hate myself so much. What a slap in the face from someone I thought loved me. He does just enough to keep himself from being kicked out. And I call that the best I've ever had. I guess it's not hard to top Don, or Dad. This piddly little love IS the best I've ever had. There's only one reason not to kill myself and that's Michaela. It would probably hit her pretty hard. I like to think it would, anyway. I want to be important to somebody.