Kendall's 21!

On April 6. She and her boyfriend Xach came over for a family party. I made a Black Forest cake for her, and inundated her with silly gifts, though I forgot the most important one -- a Tequila Sunrise.

I love

That's all I can think sometimes. I love, I love, I love. It's an inferno, a storm, a typhoon that destroys all I am. To touch him is bliss. To want him is torture. To love him is pain.

Today

Today I'm wearing wide cut blue jeans, black T and black overshirt.

Bandit Blue is progressing well in car training. He no longer flattens himself on the pavement when I open the car door. Instead he approaches it, looking for his treat. Today I put them even farther back on the seat so he had to put his front feet up on the seat in order to reach them. Dice sits inside. I throw her a treat, then put one up for Blue.

Today as they drove down the street, Michaela's boyfriend Jimmy threw open the passenger door of her car and jumped out. He was angry that she had flirted with another guy. He got pretty scraped up and his leg got run over, too. Too bad it wasn't his head. He's okay, apparently, but the car is definitely the worse for wear. He used such force on the door that he dislodged the hinge. Now the door sticks out like a broken wing.

Is it true? Doing the Work

Here's some inquiry that I need to do:
Joe makes me feel cheap. Is it true?
Joe intends to make me feel cheap. Is it true?
Joe should love me wholeheartedly. Is it true?
Joe does not love me wholeheartedly. Is it true?

I feel them, and I get angry and melancholy, but I don't think they are true.

An interesting way to get rid of me

Joe and I were in the middle of an intimate moment last night when he got up, put on his robe and left the room. I lay there for a bit, puzzled as to what to do, then dressed and went upstairs to find him serving himself some ice cream. "I think my blood sugar is low," he said. "Good night." He patted my shoulder as he went back downstairs. And that was that.

Bad thing number two: Our new puppy bolted out the door as I left for work. It took a bit of a while to get him back in. He did not want to come; he twisted and clawed and bit at my hand as I held his collar which broke at the fastener. Somehow I managed to entice him in; I don't even remember how. I do remember being furious and stomping around the house yelling while he lay cautiously under the table. I threatened to take him to the Humane Society where he should have been anyway.

I'm getting a dog

My sister can't handle her blue heeler puppy. He's the sweetest little thing but she's got a ton of kids herself and he's way too high energy for every one. She called me as she was about to take him to the Dumb Friends League. I said I'd take him. He'll be crated in the front room when I get home. The menfolk think it's a very bad idea.

He's really sweet to me, but ...

but I still have a hard time with it all. I didn't want to come back from North Carolina, for example, just because of the emotional roller-coaster that this relationship is. It's not really his fault; it's because I'm a crazy girlfriend. It's because I take offense where none is intended. It's because I love him so much and am not sure how much he loves me. He's really sweet to me, though. He stays up talking to me. He calls me from work. He hangs around in the front room so I'll bump into him. He says my name. He tells me stories, maybe because then I can admire him and how brave he's been, maybe because he likes the sound of his own voice.

The True Love

by David Whyte

There's a faith in loving fiercely the one who is rightfully yours especially if you have waited years and especially if part of you never believed you could deserve this loved and beckoning hand held out to you this way.

I am thinking of faith now and the testaments of loneliness and what we feel we are worthy of in this world. Years ago in the Hebrides I remember an old man who would walk every morning on the gray stones to the shore of baying seals, who would press his hat to his chest in the blustering salt wind and say his prayer to the turbulent Jesus hidden in the waters.

And I think of the story of the storm and the people waking and seeing the distant, yet familiar figure, far across the water calling to them. And how we are all preparing for that abrupt waking and that calling and that moment when we have to say yes! Except it will not come so grandly, so biblically, but more subtly, and intimately in the face of the one you know you have to love.

So that when we finally step out of the boat toward them we find everything holds us, and everything confirms our courage.

And if you wanted to drown, you could, but you don't, because finally, after all this struggle and all these years, you don't want to anymore. You've simply had enough of drowning and you want to live, and you want to love.

And you'll walk across any territory, and any darkness, however fluid, and however dangerous to take the one hand and the one life, you know belongs in yours.

I love my boyfriend

He came up this morning for a cuddle; things ended up going pretty far. It's just so nice to touch him I can't help it! And he called me once we were both at work! This feels soooo good.

Motorcycle Riding

Joe took me out on the back roads north of Boulder yesterday. It was a lovely sunny day. We saw a coyote, and fires, and satellite dishes. We stopped to say hi to Carol, a friend of his who was walking along the road with a girlfriend.

Then he called me today, twice. He told Don that we'd been out riding so now Don knows I wasn't forthright with him. He told me Carol was an old girlfriend and he'd had her out riding on the motorcycle too.

Now I'm really unhappy. There's NOTHING that is special to me and him, nothing that he's done only with me. Everybody else has been there first. Every cool thing, every special thing, every intimate thing that we have done, he has already done with someone else.

And vice versa, I suppose. Snap out of it, Charity. I swear, you LOVE being melancholy and making yourself miserable.

My Aunt Jane died

Aunt Jane passed away on Leap Year Day. Her body had started reacting very negatively to the chemotherapy, so the doctors took her off it. She went downhill quickly, but experienced no pain and died quietly with three of her four sons around her. The fourth, David, was delayed by blizzard.

I had a wonderful time. I reconnected a little with my cousins; I met Eric's wife Karen, David's wife Pam, Danny's wife Lori and Alan's SO Tristan. Tears came easily at the viewing and the funeral.

I didn't want to come home. It's too complex here at home. They were both very happy I was back; both told me they were glad to have me home. It was Joe that took me to his bedroom for cuddle time before I left, Joe who came up at 4:30 a.m. to say good-bye, and Joe that I had Welcome Home sex with.

Leap Year Day: St. Bridget's Complaint

February 29 is traditionally the day that women can propose to men. Apparently this tradition started in 5th century Ireland when St. Bridget complained to St. Patrick about women having to wait for so long for a man to propose. According to legend, St. Patrick said the yearning females could propose on this one day in February during the leap year. Sometimes today is called Sadie Hawkins Day, though that's not actually correct.

A couple weeks ago I told Joe this little factoid and teased him to watch out for today. I guess he liked that because he remembered. Today when he rang up he mentioned that it was Sadie Hawkins Day. I wonder if he wants me to propose. I'm afraid to. It's too intense. I'll cry.

Besides, even if he said yes, it would all be pretend anyway. It's not like we can really get married.

I can die now

I was thinking how nice life has been, how much I've enjoyed it and how lucky I've been. I'm lucky because I am a mom and I love Joe. I've also traveled a little, ridden horses, been sailing and ice skating and skiing, played softball, been loved by a dog, and on and on. Life has been wonderful, and if it should happen that it is over soon, it would be all right.

Weekend Report

Tons of fun this weekend that I want to chronicle:

First, babysitting with sleepover at my sister's. All the kids were there except the three littlest -- from Emily, 16, to David, 4, makes eight. It was frightfully easy and fun. We played UpWords, watched Peter Pan, and generally goofed around. Tommy, 15, is going goth -- all black, with black hat and black fingerless safety-pinned gloves. I think it's cool. Next day I took them all to Cinema Savers for Enchanted and National Treasure. When the other babysitter arrived I was free to go, so I went shopping! Found a few nice things at the Goodwill and ARC thrift stores.

Joe was soooo happy to see me when I got home. He said he missed me so much. That evening we three watched Fido, the most hilarious and campy movie about zombies. Don went to bed which gave Joe and I opportunity for intimate time together. He said he had wanted to 'self-stimulate' that afternoon, but told himself, "No, Joe, Charity needs that." And it's true. I do need it. I want it and I need it. Sunday morning is intimate time for Don and me, after which he went to work and Joe took me go-carting at an excellent motocross place along I-25 that rents go-carts too. Then dinner, another movie, and more cuddling for J and me. We tell each other "I love you" on a regular basis.

Happy Valentine's Day!

I love my boyfriend and he loves me. He tells me so.

Keyboard + Crumbs = Broken

One by one the important buttons on my keyboard stopped working till the thing barely worked at all. When Kevin heard of my plight he went to the sys admin and got me a new one. It's great! The keys on the right hand side work again! So today I dropped the first crumb down inside ....

Not Quite What I Was Planning: Six-Word Memoirs by Writers Famous and Obscure

Can you sum up your life in six words? I've taken a couple stabs at it:

Jimbo's Wild Ride: I'll come too.

Wasted time being angry; no more.

I love being my kids' mom.

I've always been scared of people.

"Are you happy?"

"Ecstatic. I feel like a kid again."

I cry after yoga class

I've been doing yoga on my own out of a book for more than a year, 15 minutes of work twice a day. A few months ago I joined a real yoga class and am noticing something -- after an hour of work I get fairly emotional. I find myself crying at the end of class.

I'm So Sleepy

Shortly after I got up Saturday morning I went back to bed. I slept most of Saturday, Sunday and Monday. It's Tuesday now. I'm at work but I wish I were sleeping. Nothing's wrong except that I'm sooooo tired. Joe has made some good guesses: maybe I'm pregnant, or maybe I'm depressed. Being pregnant would be the stupidest thing I could possibly do, but I'd be happy anyway. Being depressed is more likely. I AM sad. I'm sad that I'm not married to Joe. That sadness is pervading my entire view of my world and my life. It all seems pointless. I've got nothing to work on and nowhere to go. Life seems bleak and dull again, just like it was when I didn't have him at all. I had to learn to be happy then and maybe I can learn to be happy now.

Please come to a white paging telephone

Daniel Michael Miller II, 24, of Akron, Ohio, had his name legally changed to "The" Dan Miller Experience. His first name is "The" Dan (note the quotation marks please). Mr. Experience, a musician and rapper, says, "I like to do little things in my life that amuse me. This amuses me."

"What would you be?" I asked my boyfriend. He'd be Jimbo's Wild Ride. And I'd be Catherine St. Catherine. Maybe it's our tremendous differences that are what we like about each other. I wouldn't want him to be Joseph St. Joseph, that's for sure. And yet weirdly, deep down we are the same, in a way I can't explain, in a way that Don and I have never been.

American Gladiator

Joe is very happy that American Gladiator is back on after a many-year hiatus.
"You'll watch it with me?" he asked, and I promised I would, not realizing that he would be exclaiming over the fine bodies of the women gladiators. It was a little hard to take. Don has never ever done that so it was a new experience for me. After half an hour I took my knitting upstairs and watched "The Devil Wears Prada" instead.
I had a good think about it and came to some conclusions:
1) When you are in a relationship you can't be doing things that really bother your partner. You give up some freedoms for the pleasure of congenial chats, home-cooking, late-night massages and frequent sex.
2) Goggling other women is a deal-breaker for me. I can't be with a guy who comments on the hotness of other girls while I'm standing next to him.
3) It's wrong to be mad at him without telling him why.
Thankfully we had some time together later. "I just can't watch you salivate over other girls," I said as we settled in on the couch to cuddle.
"They are so hot," he said, "and it would be pretty fine to have them do that to me."
What an idiot. I immediately got up, went upstairs and went to bed.
Next morning he apologized. "I'm sorry, doll," he said. And "This is kind of like being married" and "I think you don't know how hot you are."
He pegged that, didn't he? I was upset because of my insecurities. But hey, I may have a good figure but it's nowhere as good as the female gladiators.

Staying Busy

It is SO NICE to be busy. It gives me a break from thinking about him. He was not in my thoughts for two whole hours just now. Whew!

Christmas plans are whirring up. With just a few days to go I'm finally getting in the mood to buy things and to make sure everyone has something fun to unwrap.

I was nervous yesterday, even fearful, about seeing him after his big admission, so I breathed into the feeling until it dissipated. "Breathing into" whatever I am feeling has been a huge huge help. I'm learning to just be.

"Me too you" I said this morning when he said "love you."

He Said It

We finished Brokeback Mountain last night. It's a movie about us -- obsessive love that can't come out in the open. Neither of us said that but I think we both noticed it. Then I rubbed his back till he fell asleep. Next morning we chatted about the characters, me sitting sleepily in the arm chair by the front door, him putting his boots on. Then "Bye," he said, "I love you." "Whaaaat?" I said in an incredulous tone. So he came over and said it again.

And then he left.

An Excellent Weekend

I was a little moody as the weekend approached, thinking about how he disappeared for three months this time last year, so I thought I'd just stay away from him as much as possible. Friday night was good: I worked on financial matters, then Rhiannon called. We chatted for quite a long time which forced me to stick to my resolution. On Saturday I got a lot done both around the house and on errands -- it was beautiful outside with the sun shining on the snow. I was gone so long that I felt contrite when I returned so I sought him out. We spent some nice time together in the late afternoon, talking while I rubbed his back. Saturday night Don and I went to Don's company Christmas party. I love going to those! I've known those folks for 15-20 years and it is so nice to catch up with them. I was anxious to see Joe again on our return, and he apparently felt the same way. He came up to see me after Don hit the hay and we stayed up till 1:30 a.m. talking and cuddling in the guest room. On Sunday my nieces and I decorated Grandpa's Christmas tree. Back at home, Joe made dinner then he and I played Scrabble and watched part of Brokeback Mountain.

I Love You

He mouthed this last week when I was touching him with my very cold hands. And yesterday he almost gave me the American Sign Language signal for "I Love You" -- though he came to his senses at the last minute and changed his fingers.

I'm angry. Why is it taking so long to say? And why now? Why not last August? Why not last year? Remember this time last year: In November I thought I was pregnant; in December I told him I loved him; in January he disappeared for three months.

I'm angry at myself for being such a wuss and for spending so much time loving someone who hasn't loved back.

Pet Names for My Lover

I've been musing over a loverly name for my new boyfriend. Don and I call each other 'darling' except when we're angry; then we use first names. Joe calls me 'sweetheart' or by my first name, which I really like. I like using his first name, too, except that it's so short. The syllable is over before it's even begun. He likes it when I call him 'Boy' so I'll use that, plus add miscellaneous syllables to his name stretch it out and add meaning: J-boy, J-beau, J-dear, J-daddy. And the occasional 'sweetie pie' and 'sweetheart.'

Something to Say

For the past 47 years I have not had anyone to discuss my day with -- not when I was a child, not when I was married. But now I do! Now I have to remember funny stories from my day, things I thought about, and snippets of news articles I read. I'm not at all used to it, but it makes a nice change. Today I'll talk about the student who writes for our web publication. He's a senior and an English major but that doesn't mean he can write -- journalism is significantly different than creative writing. And there's that couple in Croatia who painted their house white with black spots as a memorial to their beloved Dalmatian who was hit by car. And police are looking for a "Cinderella burglar" -- he left his shoe behind as he made his escape. It's nice to have someone at home who wants to make light conversation. Don has been absorbed in his own concerns for so many years that I just don't think of him as being available.

Offroad Adventures

J wants to buy a new truck, a Suzuki Sidekick that he can take off-roading.

I'm really upset about it because that vehicle is a concrete symbol that he's not mine, that before we met he had an exciting and adventurous life and that he continues to do exciting things that I can't be part of. The only time he's gonna use that car is when he goes camping with his ex and their daughter. I am never going to be able to go off-roading with him. Yes, I'm jealous. I'm jealous of every girl he's ever had, jealous of every adventure he's ever gone on, jealous of everything he's ever done or is going to do without me.

So you see I have become the crazy girlfriend.

On the upside, he looks at me with intensity and says nice things to me.

Appreciation

"Ciao, bella" he said before he left the house, and he asked for his good-bye hug. Apparently he's felt the strain in the relationship; it bothered him enough to make him call after he got to work, to say how much he appreciates me, and thank me for the hug, and ask if there was anything he needed to do differently. I told him part of the truth: that I enjoyed having him around and wouldn't want to change that. It's true--I wouldn't want him to leave even though it is difficult at times. I haven't changed my resolution to keep him at arm's length, though. I intend to try yet again to live by the tenets of "The Technique of the Love Affair." I still need peace; I still want my life back.

Later: back at home, I said, "Tell me again what you called to tell me." He said, "I called to tell you I love you very much." "Seriously...," I said. He started to come over and we would have had a very special moment except the window shades were all open and we might have been interrupted.

A Happy Day At Last

Today turned out to be a good day. I managed to get out of the house w/o giving Joe the customary hug, so that was good. I was mopey and weepy all morning as I reflected on how every conversation about 'us' ends the same: he says he has no feelings for me. I've been obsessed with him for seven years. I'm ready to admit that it's all been wasted. I'm ready to have my life back. My mood improved tremendously in the afternoon by virtue of some very enjoyable conversations with co-workers (Bryan and I were laughing so hard!) and some excellent productive work in a few web sites I'm working on (my jQuery work is coming along nicely). I love this job. Oh, and Michaela called to invite me to spend money on her. We're going shopping on Saturday. It's great to be a mom!

Disheartening

Always and forever will be.

"I had the odd sensation this morning of feeling like I was being unfaithful."
"I wish you wouldn't. I have a warm feeling about you two. Do you wish I felt more possessive? I am like Buddha, practicing non-attachment."

So now there's a hollow space.
I'm breathing into it and letting it be.

Yes I wish he felt more possessive. After all that giggling together, too, and reading the paper together, and massage, and hugs, and snuggles, and smiling at me, and coming up to see what I was doing, and "How did you get to be so sweet?" -- after all that he tells me he's "non-attached."

A Golden Cloud of Happiness

I'm floating on a golden cloud. I went to Joe's for cuddle time yesterday. He invited me. It wasn't just cuddling though -- you could crudely call it a booty call. It was wonderful nevertheless and an excellent display of manliness. We're both really happy.

K.D. Lang

is fantastic! I've got her on my iPod with headphones. Somehow, having her crooning directly into my ears is really bringing out her incredible voice. I wish I could sing like her.

It's not really so bad

I spent Thursday and Friday and Saturday crying my eyes out because Don and Joe are so happy together and there isn't any room for me. It was an over-reaction on my part as all of my excessively emotional reactions have been. I should be aware of that by now -- crying means I'm over-reacting. Things look much better now, much more sunny. I've had some nice private time with both of them, and nice together time too. Last week Joe invited me on a motorcycle ride. Thankfully I had something else to do. I was much too emotional last week and it would not have been a good time to see him. I'm feeling much happier and more confident this week, and happily he extended the invitation again. It's beautiful outside - the aspens are turning gold, the leaves swirl down in the breeze. I shut my eyes to better feel the wind rushing past, the bike rumbling beneath us, his body in front of me, and thought how nice it was to be with someone so good at this. He braked suddenly but smoothly and I saw a buck deer crossing in front of us. See, that's just what I'm talking about, I thought. After our ride we went in the van for some cuddling. Thus I got to be in his arms again. The last time was in July, right before the hospitalization incident.

Things to do after hours

There are all kinds of things I can do to occupy myself between 5:00 and 7:30.

• See a movie
• Go shopping
• Go hiking
• Walk on Pearl Street Mall
• Go to Borders bookstore like Rhiannon and I used to do
• Stay in the office and work on my training
• Conduct art research at the college library
• Work on my art project here in the office
• Work on my photo blog
• Wander about the campus
• Attend campus events
• Cultivate a life on-line, esp. keeping up with long-distance friends and the JCMG which I have long neglected

I'm homeless now. I've nowhere to go. I have to make the city my home, the way I learned to in New York, and concentrate more on friends and career, both fairly neglected.

Home isn't home any more

Don is totally ga-ga over Joe. Don is so happy now. He whistles around the house. He spends long periods of time smoking, laughing, and shooting the breeze with Joe. Don used to leave for work promptly each morning and pick up coffee on the way; now he makes a pot at home and hangs around drinking it and talking things over with Joe. Having J around just makes it more obvious how little D and I have in common, how little we have to say to each other. The dog is crazy about J as well. I find it impossible to maintain a happy light-hearted mood so I've decided to just stay away. I've been rushing home after work to cook dinner and then clean up. That's just silly.

The Technique of the Love Affair

I am reading the most incredible book -- "The Technique of the Love Affair" by a gentlewoman. Absolutely fabulous advice, much of which I deliberately ignored in my relationship with Joe. I had thought that since the relationship itself was so non-traditional perhaps I could dispense with traditional forms of behavior. I spent a year -- more than a year -- in tremendous pain. It turns out that traditional behavior is a wonderful emotional protector.

Some pithy truths: A man who is not chasing you is a man who is not interested. It is essential while in a love relationship to keep up your friends and your interests -- the man must never feel that he is indispensable to you. A man smothered in love becomes satiated and bored. When a guy learns that he is indispensable to you he will lose interest so you can't let him know that. Be friendly and sweet and light-hearted, but keep the attitude that you can take him or leave him.

Don Wants a Divorce

Twenty-three years is about to come to an end. He's right about all of it -- we don't work together well; I don't respect him and he doesn't respect me; we don't have the same goals; on and on and on. Can this marriage be saved? Should we even bother? We just barely tolerate each other some days.

I'm glad the words have been said. It's silly to live a lie. I don't want him blaming me, though. He's the one who smashed the relationship to bits with his little rock hammer. It's been coming back together very slowly. For a long long time I didn't care one bit if it ever came back together at all. For a long time I was just hanging in there until Michaela graduated from high school; then I was going to be out the door.

It's gotten a lot better since then. We've had good times together. Now I find I do care. It will be hard to say good-bye.

Our New Roommate

When Joe was hospitalized with Diabetic Ketoacidosis, Don, knowing the hospital bills would be enormous, invited him to come live with us as a way to save money. Joe's decided to take him up on it. He'll be moving in at the end of September. Now THERE'S an unexpected twist for you. And this in spite of the fact that I keep telling Don that I have strong feelings for Joe.

So much for my numerous vows to never see him again. I'll be seeing him every day! This is all so ironic that it makes me laugh. I'm kinda excited. I feel like I'm getting married. Without the sex. There will be lots of fun and companionship, but I'm pretty sure there isn't going to be any more sex. We'll get to be friends and I'll finally stop being so tongue-tied and self-conscious and stupid when I'm around him.

Six Colors

About a year ago I decided to limit my fashion palate to six colors: black, red, white, gray, beige/khaki and blue jeans. This self-enforced limitation has been a lot of fun. I've become alot more aware of fashion and style. And it's easier to pack, too, when I'm off on a trip. Everything combines in some way with everything else. And because wearing a single color almost always looks very classy (especially when that color is red or black), I always have a way to look simple yet elegant. Today I've got on black pants, a beige T, a red shirt with rolled up sleeves and a multi-colored scarf.

The Weekend!

Labor Day Weekend! I took Friday off so I could have four lovely days of freedom. Friday I got a lot of little things done around the house, then went thrift-store shopping, and finally went to hear Don's friend Jack jam with his band. Saturday it was off to the flying field to take pics of the flyers. I talked to a lot of the folks I had taken pictures of last time, and met a lot of new folks. Saturday evening D and I had dinner and played UpWords at Joe's. I took some movies to watch but J didn't like any of them. He's so damn picky. I'm sick of it. I didn't look at him the entire night. Sunday I worked on my art lessons (Mommy It's a Renoir). These simple cards are opening up a whole new world for me -- the world of the schools of art. A hillside covered with houses makes me think Cubism. A wide-open vista stretching before me to the distant mountains is Hudson River. A field with sunflowers and farmhouses calls to mind Impressionism. Don was home all day which really irritated me. I wish he had left me alone so many years ago. I wouldn't do this all again, no way. So Sunday I avoided him as much as possible. He spent the day sleeping and watching TV -- just like the old days. Monday it was dog park, computer work, thrift-store shopping again, Teller Lake Trail again, and babysitting Sara and Julia. Don went to Joe's.

Charity's Laws for a Life Well Lived

No fear, no self-doubt: Act "as if." Self-confidence and self-assurance are what it's all about. Do whatever you need to develop these qualities.

Awareness: Be aware of what's going on within you and around you in nature, in the world, and in the lives of others.

Authenticity: Drop the mask. Speak the truth. You are no one if you are not yourself.

Industry: Get things done. Work hard at it! Throw yourself 100 percent into whatever you're doing. And stick to it! Talent grows with practice. Be disciplined in doing what you've chosen to do.

Excitement: Make all of life an adventure. If things are dull, make something happen.

Connection: Love the one you're with. Tremendously. Passionately. Truly. Madly. Deeply. It feels good to love. But if that's too much, then make a connection. Collect somebody.

Mastery: Pay your dues. Master a few things. Your choice, but do get good at them.

Habits: Have good habits. Then you won't always have to remind yourself. You'll do those boring little things automatically -- use sunscreen; eat salads and veggies; get enough sleep; exercise; drink water; save 10 percent; don't smoke -- those little things that over the long haul keep you healthy and happy.

Contribute: Be a contributor to the group. Be a worthwhile and worthy group member. Have something to say, a game to play, an idea to keep things moving.

Challenge: Always take the challenge to do something difficult. Stretch yourself. "We choose to do these things, not because they are easy, but because they are hard."

Insight, Learning and Discovery: Think. And learn. And make discoveries. And be curious about the world around you.

Joie de Vivre: Make life joyful. Let the simple things thrill you.

Forgiveness: Adversity is a gift.

A Good Life

- enjoying every moment
- surrounding yourself with beauty
- meaningful work
- enough money to pay the bills
- occasional days of excitement
- having people that you love
- being really good at something

Plus Charity's Laws for a Life Well Lived.

Love Poems

In complete disregard of my resolution to never see him again, I spent most of Saturday in Joe's company. Saturday was the family's annual Summer Birthdays Celebration at Broomfield Bay water park. I extended an invitation when I saw him on Friday with D but didn’t really expect him to show. Surprise surprise he did, and he even brought a present for the summer birthday kids! We spent several hours together there. And after THAT, he took D and me up to the mountains in search of a little ghost town he had heard of. And then we went to a restaurant, and then to his place for UpWords. One of my plays was LOVE/POEM. That prompted him to get his book of Love Poems out for me, which tome I mentioned earlier in this blog. I spent the evening perusing it. Nothing struck me, except the fact that the old love poems are wordy and overblown. I prefer the love songs of today, like Nazareth's "Love Hurts" and Willie Nelson's "Blue Eyes Crying in the Rain" (love is like a dying ember, only memories remain). On Sunday he brought his daughter over to play with my nieces. I'm doing amazingly well considering the amount of interaction we had. There's no agony; he's gentle on my mind.

The Olde Town Pickin' Parlor

I just had pretty close to the best night of my life. Top ten, anyway. I spent the evening at the Olde Town Pickin' Parlor in Arvada, Colorado, listening to folk, bluegrass and old-time western music.

There were an amazing variety of stringed instruments, some of which I'd never seen before; excellent music; top quality vocalists; etc etc. This particular event was a fund-raiser for one of their own, and many artists donated their skills. I loved them all. Jon Chandler was fantastic. Mary Huckins had me crying through most of her songs. The place was pretty packed when I got there but I managed to score a very good seat on the end of the second row where I had a very good view.

For the final song, all the musicians squeezed up on stage; audience and artists all raised our hands to heaven and sang a long and rousing rendition of "Let the Circle Be Unbroken." The whole thing was a ton of fun and a fantastic evening.

Thoughts on the Subject

1. He acted like he wanted me. He said he wanted a relationship. He acted all affectionate. Then he disappeared for weeks. He never ever said he changed his mind. He just left me wondering.
2. He's manipulative.
3. He doesn't want to talk to me.
4. He doesn't need to see me.
5. He said he couldn't afford to extend any emotional energy to me. And he didn't.
6. I said "There's never a two-of-us." He said "I don't know what to say."
7. I used him as much as he used me. I wanted excitement.

A Love Poem

I fell in love with someone.
I kept waiting and hoping and waiting and hoping that he would love me too.
It hurt so much!
So yesterday I asked him, "Will you ever love me too?"
He said no, he never would.
But I don't believe him.
So I keep waiting and hoping and waiting and hoping that he will love me too.
It hurts so much!
But I really want it to be true.

Hospitalized

He took himself to Urgent Care on Tuesday because he was still vomiting and hiccupping. They failed to pinpoint the problem and released him. I took him back on Wednesday. They still couldn't figure out the problem so they sent him to the hospital in an ambulance. I stayed at his bedside all day, first in the ICU and later in the hospital room. It was Diabetic Ketoacidosis, which before the discovery of insulin killed 100% of its victims. Nowadays it's just 2%. The hiccups were part of the body's attempt to excrete poisons through the respiratory system. They were so bad that at times he couldn't breathe. The hospital gave him drugs to ease the hiccups and put him on an IV to stabilize blood chemistry. On Thursday he was much better. On Friday they released him. I stayed with him all day Wednesday, most of the day Thursday, and most of the day Friday as well -- three very special days for me which I will always treasure.

More Disenchantment; plus I'm an idiot

I called him today to thank him for watching our house while we were gone. He sounded happy to hear from me but the conversation quickly degenerated from there. He told me the girl at the kennel was good-looking. He dissed everything I had to say about hiccup cures, and not gently either. He criticized my daughter's friend and the way he stays over at our house; said D and I have some serious boundary issues there. I hung up vowing yet again to stop seeing him. All the way home I pep-talked myself about not seeing him again. Then there he was in his red Saab, turning onto our street at the same time as me. He pulled over, I pulled up next to him, he said he felt awful and would I come over and nurse him. Sure, I said, while thinking "What am I doing? Why can't I just cut this off?" He really did feel awful, even threw up several times while I was there. We squeezed in some sex in between dashes to the bathroom. Do you think he's just using me? (said sarcastically). I've mentioned before that he doesn't work very hard at this relationship. I am acting like a silly, stupid and inexperienced young girl willing to throw away everything for some worthless guy. I see myself doing it and yet I can't stop.

Remember

That he doesn't ever think of me. That he doesn't ever call me. That he promised to call Friday if it was slow but forgot to. That I called twice for lunch dates but he was too busy. That he said he'd take me riding but forgot. That he knew we both had Saturday free--he mentioned on Thursday that the two of us should do something--but come Saturday he took off by himself all day instead. That I didn't hear from him at all in January or February or March.

Questions

For J: Your body has told you flat out, and plain as plain, that it does not want to deal with sweet things anymore. It even destroyed its own sugar-handling ability so that it would not have to. Yet you continue to shovel the sugar in. Why don't you listen to your body?

For J: Movies and TV and drinking are all ways of getting out of your own head, of not listening to the stuff that's going on in there. How come you hate your own thoughts so much?

For J, on saying he'll call: You've been telling me that lie for the last seven years. Do me a favor -- never, ever, let those words come out of your mouth again. I always believe you, and I always end up disappointed.

For me: How do I move past something that I've wanted so much for so long? How do I get out of the habit of thinking of him?

It's over. And I really mean it this time.

It's just too painful. I'm finally going to admit to myself that I will never have what I want out of him, and I'm calling it quits. He probably won't notice. It's not like I ever see him. It's not like I ever talk to him. This is more for my own sanity than anything. All I can do is this: I can stop hanging out with him and Don. That's what I did this past weekend -- When Don went to his place on Saturday to watch a movie, and had him to dinner on Sunday, I made myself scarce. I'm moving on. I feel so much better now.

Too painful

After I wrote that last post about him we had a very sweet time together. Actually we've had two alone times since then. And I see him almost every day but always in the company of my husband. He rarely asks to see me alone. I need to see him and it hurts when I don't. Yesterday he said we could go motorcycling today but he hasn't called to schedule. It's really really painful for me, all this waiting, all this hoping. I'd rather it were over.

Rhiannon called yesterday from her marine training camp in Monterey. She's connected at the hip to her boyfriend, apparently. He's always there in the background. They seem to have an excellent relationship. I can't talk to her though with him always there. I can only do light silly surface talk.

I'm feeling really blue today.

Bob's Leaving

He came to work here August 2004. We had a wonderful time, him and me and Mike. I bet everyone else on the floor was a little jealous of the fun we had, of the laughter bursting out of the office we three shared. I am going to miss him very much.

Hi Charity, Will you be at the Southern Sun later? Otherwise, I just wanted you to know that I had a lot of fun working with you, and I'll miss working with you. -Bob

Gotta Let it Go

It just isn't working out. He threw my feather in the trash. He didn't even ask why I brought it or why I wanted him to see it. He gets irritated if I do something he doesn't like. I still can't talk to him. I feel stupid around him. It just isn't working out.

Over - Again

I'm going to try again to have it be over. We're just not progressing. He has too many issues -- big issues in the male psyche, ones that render him ineligible to be in a relationship. They don't matter to me that much but I'm not making the decision here. What matters to me is that he doesn't call; doesn't try; doesn't seem to care if he sees me or not. I can't hang on any longer. It is no longer helpful. Now it just hurts.

Sailing

I went sailing with Joe and his kid Lauren on Saturday. We went to Union Reservoir, a little reservoir up in Longmont. It's not nearly as pretty or as large as Boulder Reservoir. It was kinda crowded but apparently gets even more crowded as the summer wears on. I had a nice time and didn't get burned – always a plus. I used to want to learn to sail due to the influence of a couple kids' books on the subject (Swallows and Amazons; We Didn't Mean to Go to Sea; Treasure Island -- all highly recommended BTW). I even took lessons a couple of summers ago (as faithful readers of this blog know) and mainly learned that with sail you have no control over your power source. You only manage it as best you can. At Boulder Rez the wind varies tremendously; sometimes there's almost nothing then it suddenly kicks up to be more than a beginner can handle. That was just too scary for me. I don't want to captain a vessel anymore. Being first mate or just able bodied seaman will do for me.

We had some nice private time in the evening, too. Don had gone to a friend's to watch Game 2 of the Stanley Cup, so when Joe called there was just me. I went over; we cuddled and played UpWords; very nice.

It's funny how people are -- we've gotten naked together, but he's still not really comfortable enough with me to fart in front of me. He said so. And I'm not comfortable enough with him to discuss the minutia of my day.

A Handsome Couple

That's what Joe said we were. We went out to a restaurant for dinner last night, just the two of us. Don knew and was fine with it. Don thinks we spent the evening only and just talking, I guess, whereas really we went to Joe's afterwards where we shared some personal time. It was all very sweet and wonderful but as usual I wonder are we definitely and for sure together now? I won't be sure until I know I have his heart, the way he has mine.

"It hurts"

Joe called this morning just to hear my voice, he said. It hurts, he said. Ha. He admitted something personal. Now how far will he run to get away from it?

Love Poems

Had a nice weekend this past weekend -- uneventful but nice. Got a lot done around the house, chatted with each of the kids, and so on. Nothing really big but all enjoyable. Sunday evening we grooved (yes, grooved) to Beatles' music while Joe beat D and me big time in UpWords. Joe and daughter invited me to go paddle-boating with them on Waneka Lake on Sunday afternoon. We had a great time in a little replica of the African Queen. Both Friday and Saturday nights D and I went to J's place to take in a movie. I saw a book of love poems on the counter there. Does he think of me when he reads them?

Lovely Lunchtime

I got my wish -- private time with my boyfriend. I'm back at work now but it's so nice out, plus I'm still floating on that golden cloud, so it's hard to buckle down and get stuff done.

Happy Mother's Day from Rhiannon

Rhiannon emailed from her training station: "I'm sure I don't say this enough. You are the best mom ever. I probably never really thanked you for putting up with me all through middle and high school, but you did. Thank you for letting me do my own thing when I needed to, and smacking me around when I needed that too. :-) You are a great person. Sorry I didn't send you flowers! Bad daughter."

Our Two Problems

which I'd like to verbally acknowledge, are that 1) I'm married and 2) he's got erectile dysfunction. With the first, we are bucking society and God and our own moral natures just to be together. I'm sure that every now and then he hates himself for doing this and hates me too for falling off my pedestal. The only way out is to redefine what is good so that it includes this. Plus, being married means I can't even be a decent girlfriend. With the second, well, his diabetes and smoking have caught up with him. Little Joe is just a shadow of his former self, and though I did not experience it fully, I do remember his former glory. I figure, though, that if little Joe was up to par, he'd have the confidence to go get himself a real girlfriend instead of settling for me. And since I've wanted to have him in my arms for soooo long, I count myself lucky -- it's because of the ED that I get to have him at all.

First Communion Party!

An excellent weekend has just passed. On Friday I volunteered to make a cake for my niece's First Communion party so spent Friday night baking. Saturday morning I decorated it and Saturday afternoon I visited for hours with my siblings, nieces and nephews. I love those people. We had the best time. We talked about the differences in the way mothers and fathers bond with their children, what a good education consists of, how beautiful niece Emily is (she's 16 and off to prom!). I managed to get some nice shots of my toddler nephew waiting his turn to play catch. Michaela's Saab 99 got vapor lock so Don and I went to rescue her Saturday evening. He acted like a total jerk which I totally had to call him on. Sunday was Home Blessing Day. Don and I bustled about cleaning the place inside and out. It was a busy productive and happy day. In the evening I popped "November" with Courtney Cox into the DVD player and watched it while I worked on knitting Michaela's Slytherin scarf. Ms. Cox does an excellent job in this dramatic role. Too bad the story line is so awful. It left more questions than it answered. What really happened? Who took the pictures? So is her boyfriend dead or not? What was real and what wasn't? Was the whole thing a dream? If so, I don't appreciate being jerked around in that way. Was the whole mystery that she got shot too? Interestingly done; very artsy, though probably (in the words of the detective) "too artsy for it's own good." Bottom line: it didn't make sense.

Me - a MILF!

I received two excellent compliments yesterday.

First, daughter Kendall popped over unexpectedly but I couldn't stay and do much visiting with her 'cause I had to hit the gym. I hadn't worked out Monday and I knew I wouldn't have time on Wednesday so it had to be Tuesday. Kendall said I didn't really need to as I already was a MILF. Do you know what that is? It means "Mother I'd Like to F**k." All this working out and cutting calories has worked! My kids' friends think I'm hot!

Second, daughter Michaela's got a goth friend named TJ who I really like. He wears all black -- stylishly ripped pants, safety pins here and there, a black leather jacket and a black hat. Oh, and black nail polish. Apparently most adults are afraid of him. I found out today that he didn't like me at first because I wasn't afraid. It took him a bit to warm up to me. Now he's really nice and sweet.

I'm a disappointment

So apparently my kids supply excellent cautionary tales. I made the mistake of telling Joe about Michaela's little shoplifting incident (she stole a candy bar and had to do a day of community service). He told his six-year-old, and included the appropriate editorial comments (how could she be so stupid, what was she thinking, etc.). His daughter added that Michaela's goth friend is probably nothing but trouble.

I know that Joe likes to talk. I should have been more aware that the stuff I tell him might end up in stories to other people. It'd be too bad if Lauren's mother forbade her to come to my house because of my delinquent daughter and her goth friend.

I'm also aware that he expects me to be perfect and is disappointed when I am not. In practical terms, this means I can't talk to him about my troubles as I am not supposed to have any.

Creeping toward Polyandry

I hope to drag Joe and Don into a polyandrous relationship. They may come kicking and screaming, but they'll come! I'm kidding of course. A polyandrous relationship won't be successful unless it is is based on openness and honesty, and everyone wants to be there. We've still all just friends. Joe hasn't yet agreed to 'marry' me, and Don hasn't agreed to let him.

Anyway, last night we were sitting on the back porch, smoking and talking like we always do, and huddled in blankets and coats as it was chilly out again. Joe smiled at me then turned to speak to Don and suddenly I saw us as a family of three. I imagined it was a year from now, and everything's settled, and we're even happier than we are now. Adding Joe to the mix has helped Don and me tremendously. We wouldn't be getting along so well as we are if it weren't for Joe.

Then we went in the house where I whupped their butts in UpWords -- for the second time in a row! Go me! Joe went home, Don and I cleaned the kitchen, and Michaela came home so we had some fun teasing her. She's a great kid. Whatever it is we three have, Don and Joe and I, it is very nice, it makes us happy, and I hope it can continue.

Email Xchange

Kris: (sent meeting summary and homework assignments)
Kevin: my dog ate my homework assignment.
Bob: My homework got run over by the bus...
Me: My homework slipped on the ice and broke its leg.
Kevin: umm..does 3 periods count as correct punctuation?
Me: Do two?
Bob: An additional 33.3% more than two! :-)
Bob: You know it has to be close to quitting time.

Princess

"No one can say 'no' to me" Michaela, my 17-year-old, told me yesterday. It's certainly something I've had to work on.

Yesterday she went to a friend's house after I had told her not to go till I got home. I was really mad, not only that she'd left before I arrived but also because she'd made a mess in every room in the house. What am I, her personal maid? I stomped angrily around the place for a bit then went to the friend's and brought her back home. On the way back she pouted and said she was gonna run away.

Go ahead, said I, I'll keep your new laptop and cancel your cell phone.
Then I'll light up a cigarette and put it out on my arm, she said.
I think we both should light cigarettes and put them out on our arms, I said.
Want to smoke one? she said.
It will get my car all smelly, I said.
We'll roll down the windows, she said. That's what me and Kendall did and you never knew we smoked in your car.
Then let's light up, I said, though I'm not a smoker.

And so we shared a cigarette. And later she told that no one could ever say no to her.

Funny Story

So last Saturday Joe invited me to come with him and his little girl to World of Wonder, a local children's museum/play place. I went. Lauren and I had a great time playing dress-up and chasing each other around.

A weird thing happened though. While Joe and I sat in front of the little stage, eagerly awaiting her performance, he told me a story. Lauren had asked him if he loved me. She's an intuitive little thing, he said. Then he said, "NO!" loudly and laughingly.

I just looked at him. It's a painful topic for me since a couple months ago I told him I loved him and he said he didn't feel that way. So now it's a joke? It's casual conversation? Where does the intuition come in? I could think of nothing to say that wouldn't betray that I was affected so I said nothing and just looked away.

I've thought of things since, of course. "That's a funny story but I'm not really the audience for it" or "It is amusing that anyone might think you felt that way about me" or "She totally missed that call, didn't she?" or "How could she be so wrong?" or simply "Of course not."

Going to San Francisco

I'm going to a seminar in San Francisco next month. I grew up in the Bay Area but my folks never took us kids there. I haven't been to the city since John Borton took me sightseeing there in 1984.

I had just finished college. I remember I wore a sleeveless blue gingham dress with gingham frills around the neck and armholes. I enjoyed looking feminine and tried to look my best that day. John took me up in a helicopter and we flew over the whole bay. It was a sunny clear day and so incredibly beautiful. I used to wish more than anything that I had not come back to Colorado; that I had stayed in California with John to see how things worked out.

Now my daughter's at the language school in Monterey and I'm going to a seminar in San Francisco. I get to see her and I get to see the city. I'm sitting in front of my computer, looking at the place on Google Maps and crying for the beauty of my childhood and for the love that didn't happen.

Forgive me, dear reader, for the silliness of this post. I honestly wouldn't change my life, not anymore. I've finally learned to let things be. The main point today is: I get to go to San Francisco!

The Oscar for Best Documentary

Did you know that in 2003 Michael Moore won Best Documentary for his Bowling for Columbine? And yet his documentaries aren't really documentaries -- they are PhotoShopped opinion pieces. I've seen several of his 'documentaries' and they were all similar in that Moore left out half the story and so tightly-edited his video clips that he made people say what they hadn't actually said. It'd be like taking a video of me saying, "Yes" and then fronting that with a video of you saying, "Do you approve of public hangings as a deterrent to crime?"

So, Best Documentary means nothing.

Heck, March of the Penguins won it in 2005 and that was nothing more than a two-hour Animal Planet piece. The trailer was more interesting than the movie.

And now we've got Gore's An Inconvenient Truth for the 2006 winner. I imagine it won solely because Hollywood wanted to send a message to Washington D.C.

I Miss Him

I'm doing really good with my resolution not to call Joe or take any initiative to see him. As a result, I haven't seen him alone since our lunch date on Jan 2. He hasn't asked to see me, that's for sure. I occasionally see him when Don brings him to dinner or when he invites the two of us over. I'm calmer now -- life isn't so much of a roller-coaster ride -- but I do miss our private times together.

Best Horoscope Ever

"Today is an 8. A person you may have forgotten all about comes back into your life. He or she remembers you fondly and many adventures begin."

Totally cool! Just think, Aquarians everywhere will be meeting up with an old acquaintance today. I'll let you know how this works out for me.

Later: Nope, a no long forgotten friend came back into my life. Except Joe who I had given up on. He came over to dinner and later called me at work. Sheesh. He didn't ask to see me though so we aren't getting together. As said previously, we'll get together when he asks to get together.

PostSecret: If I had a million dollars...

One of the early PostSecrets was:

'If I had a million dollars I'd give it all away for one more day with her like it was in the beginning.'

There's only one thing I'd trade a million dollars for. If I had a million dollars I'd give it all away to get Joe a working pancreas.

Rhiannon's off to Camp Lejeune

I took Rhiannon to the airport today. She's off to the School of Infantry at Camp LeJeune to be trained in basic infantry. She wore her uniform -- I wish I could tell you which but I can't keep them straight. I only know it wasn't dress blues. What's it called when you're wearing green pants, green jacket and tan shirt?

Anyway, a lot of people flying coach were getting in the security check line for people flying first-class, Rhiannon included. It was an easy mistake to make. The security guard made a general announcement that all people flying coach needed to get in the other, longer, line. "Except you, honey," she told Rhiannon. "You stay here."

It's neat to see the respect she receives from airport and other personnel when she's wearing her uniform. America DOES support its troops, however we feel about the war itself.

Some quotes: Every Marine is, first and foremost, a Rifleman.

The Purpose of Life

Why is it so hard for me to figure out what life is all about? I want to know NOW so I can dedicate the rest of my life to it, whatever it is. I've thought about this question for most of my life. I'll be 47 in a few days. No more thinking. I want to know and act. So I'm the Hermit. I go on spiritual retreat to contemplate life's purpose. I don't have a ton of experience to draw from but I have some. From my experience, what would I say is life's purpose?

First Answer: It's unknowable. That is, we can't know for certain that there is something or someone out there defining our purpose. It's here that I always get stuck. I always find myself wondering and searching for revelation, for meaning outside myself when really it is not there.

Second Answer: Therefore, we must find the answer within. We define it ourselves. And when I consider all that I know of the universe, the living things and the non-living, I find myself in agreement with those who say, "The meaning of life is recursive. The meaning of life is to live."

I love Ayn Rand's thought that man is a heroic being, his own happiness is his moral purpose, productive achievement is his noblest activity and reason is his only absolute. I find that encouraging.

My PostSecrets

What would I put on a postcard and mail to PostSecret?
1. I am afraid of people.
2. When my kids were little I loved them to pieces. I loved being their mom. But when they became teens I knew they were now smart enough to see my faults and reject me. So I rejected them first.
3. I have never felt like I fit in anywhere. Not my friends, not my family, not anywhere.
4. I've always been sane about love. Until last year. Last year I met a guy for whom I would throw EVERYTHING away -- my husband, my kids, my house, my life -- if he would say, "Come with me." And it breaks my heart that he won't say it.

Why Don Likes Joe

You know why Don likes you so much? First, of course, you're easy to like.

Second, you're a bachelor. All his friends are bachelors. He totally prefers the single life -- no kids, no wife, no demands at all, just the game on a big-screen TV, a few beers, a little pot, and a male friend to watch with. What could be more perfect?

Third and most important, he senses that I like you. There's no way he's gonna let himself be jealous. He prefers not to feel those kinds of emotions. Instead he goes the opposite direction -- he tries to be your best friend. He's working his ass off to be your best friend. He's all over you 100% of the time. There's no room for me at all. And what hurts is that you are totally fine with that.

So, I'm officially throwing in the towel; I withdraw my application; I forfeit the game. Team Charity is walking off the field. Score: Don 1, Joe 1, Charity 0. So I won't be over for TV and UpWords anymore, and if Don asks you in for dinner, I'd appreciate it if you would have something to get done at home before he comes over for the evening.

Don and Joe, Best Friends Forever.

I wonder if he ever thinks about me

This is a self-answering question. If you ever have to ask that question of yourself about a guy you are supposedly seeing, the answer is NO!!!!!

White Light Meditation

Just get quiet, sit and meditate on the concept of being surrounded by a fourth dimensional protective aura, and meditate on the concept that you have a divine birthright to health, wealth and happiness, to friendship, confidence and success.

Here on an autumn night

Here on an autumn night in the sweet orchard smell,
Sitting in a pile of leaves under the starry sky,
Oh what stories we could tell
With this starlight to tell them by.

October night, and you, and paradise,
So lovely and so full of grace,
Above your head, the universe has hung its lights,
And I reach out my hand to touch your face.

I believe in impulse, in all that is green,
Believe in the foolish vision that comes true,
Believe that all that is essential is unseen,
And for this lifetime I believe in you.

All of the lovers and the love they made:
Nothing that was between them was a mistake.
All that we did for love's sake,
Is not wasted and will never fade.

All who have loved shall be forever young
And walk in grandeur on a cool fall night
Along the avenue,
They live in every song that is ever sung,
In every painting of pure light,
In every pas de deux.

Oh love that shines in every star
And love reflected in the silver moon.
It is not here, but it's not far.
Not yet, but it will be here soon.

Garrison Keillor 1998

Too Easy for Him

Lunch today. Fairly nice all around, with some unhappy bits. Nice: touching his body with hands and mouth, talking, the good-bye kiss he gave me. Unhappy: I screwed up the food so he went w/o and was insulted when he mocked me about passion. I think he mocked me. I honestly can't be sure of things any more; I'm way over-sensitive when it comes to him.

I do think I'm making this too easy for him. It's time for another shot at leaving him alone. Resolution for this week: If he wants to see me, he can ask me.

Rhiannon's Poem

If you die, I will not dwell,
I'll send my angels straight to hell.
They'll find you with the demons there
and bring you up to heaven's air,

and they'll guard you then, you see,
to keep you for me saf-e-ly.
Then later, when I'm tucked in bed
I'll often think of what you said,

of how I'd cry myself to sleep--
Oh, I am certain I will weep.
But with whispers and with one last kiss
you'll tell me that I shouldn't miss

you, for you're waiting there for me;
and so all things end happily.

Bored/Blizzard

Don and I are back from an evening at Joe's of UpWords and T.V. I'm sick of going over there with Don to play UpWords and watch T.V. I'm bored to death of these evenings. Surreptitous smiles are okay but they aren't much. This whole thing is ridiculous. Here I am taking what little scraps I can get -- a smile here, an hour there. I hate it. It's pointless, it's stupid, it's not even a relationship.

We're digging out from the Blizzard of 2006, as they are calling it. God dumped a bunch of snow on us Wednesday. It's tons of fun to be out playing in it, not so much fun to drive in. Joe's van did fantastic. After they got home yesterday, the guys took me for a ride around the neighborhood in it. It blasted through the snow like a tank.

This is why I let myself love him

Another turning point; a fork stuck in the road. Time grabs you by the wrist; directs you where to go. So make the best of this test and don't ask why. It's not a question but a lesson learned in time. It's something unpredictable but in the end it's right. I hope you had the time of your life.

So take the photographs and still frames in your mind. Hang it on a shelf In good health and good time. Tattoos of memories and dead skin on trial. For what it's worth, it was worth all the while. -Green Day

At night I look up at the stars and I think about all they've seen, whirling away above our heads for thousands and thousands of years. Does it matter, stars, if one girl loves someone not her husband? I wouldn't have done it when the kids were small; I wouldn't have destroyed the family in that way. Don destroyed us but I kept us together. I love Joe because life is short. I love Joe because this love is worth this pain.

Roller Coaster Ride

Lunch at his shop today. Wonderful as usual. Culmination this time, though as usual it took some doing. I feel really full emotionally and it's kind of hard to talk about it, maybe because I've talked about it all so much already. I'm really up or I'm really down; it's a never-ending rollercoaster ride. An exciting rollercoaster ride, which I suppose is why I stay on.

I told him about Jamie flirting with me at the Christmas party. He admitted to jealousy. I told him about being worried I was pregnant. He said he'd be okay with a baby on the way. I'm happy with his responses. Maybe his heart is in it. Maybe he's coming around.

Conversation

He called. I answered. It was a very disappointing phone call. He didn't give me an opening to say my piece, which was "I'm going to do us both a favor and say no. It's been a lot of fun, but it's obvious that your heart just isn't in this." He did say that he couldn't talk to me about anything. I'm probably too naive and unsophisticated in the ways of the world. In other words, I don't know too much about society's dark underbelly -- drugs, cheap sex, fast thrills, what to say and what not to say about these things.

Period

It has come. Right on time. Exactly as scheduled. And what was so weird was that I was sure I was pregnant.

Unhappy

So Wednesday night, I met Don and Joe for UpWords at Joe's place. Don was in the easy chair when I arrived, Joe on the couch. I sat next to him on the couch. Shortly thereafter, when Don got up for a drink, Joe moved to the easy chair. He didn't even say anything. I was shocked and offended and furious. I didn't look at him the rest of visit. I'm still upset. Let's let this whole damn thing be over. Please.

Happy

I tend to mope around because I don't see or talk to Joe as much as I would like to. I decided I should mark on the calendar the times I do see him, because otherwise I forget, and I begin thinking I NEVER see him when actually I do. Turns out I've seen him a whole lot these last two weeks, many times with Don but plenty of times alone, too. So there, things aren't so bad.

I got to be with him for a couple hours Monday. He invited both of us over to watch the game. D was unable to go, being not at home, but said I could go over by myself, bless his trusting little heart. J and I didn't do anything too risky, just made out and talked and got to be together.

I dreamed last night I had a baby boy. He was tiny--I could hold him in one hand--and he had a cut on his temple. If I do have a child, which is doubtful, I would want it to be a boy and would want it to have his last name.

Lovely Weekend

Friday afternoon I went to his shop for some snuggle time. It was very cold so he hooked up a heater for the van then we got naked under a small soft blankie. No culmination as the little soldier no longer functions properly. Friday evening he came to dinner at our house then we went to his for TV and UpWords. I knit and play with the cat and glance at him surreptitously.

Saturday morning at 5:30 a.m. Rhiannon called from South Carolina. We got to talk for five minutes. It seems like a dream. She gets another five minute call at Christmas. D was out all day. I bustled about with domestic tasks then watched Tristan and Isolde by myself. Very much enjoyed it.

Sunday morning D and I met for our standing date in my bedroom. We had just finished when J and his little girl popped over to borrow milk. It was 9:30. "I thought you two were early risers," I heard him say. He invited us to breakfast at his place. Half an hour later we were chowing down on pancakes, sausages, eggs, juice and coffee. It was very cheery with the sunshine pouring in the window, the Disney channel on the TV and us grownups perusing the morning paper. When breakfast was all over, Lauren and I came to my house to play with my McDonald's Happy Meal Barbie set. In the afternoon I ice-skated. My skating continues to improve albeit slowly. In the evening D went to J's to watch the game. I apparently was not invited which is too bad because I had intended to turn down the invitation, as I was feeling jealous and grumpy, but you can't turn down an invitation that you don't receive. Instead, I worked on Kendall's Xmas present (a Gryffindor scarf), wrote to Rhiannon, visited with Michaela and with Kendall, who popped home to get the car. Kendall was sweet. She said she wished she could stay longer but had to go pick up her boyfriend. We hugged and said, "I love you" when she left.

I Miss My Mom

Spiritual Exercises

OceanGuru (who I think is very wise) writes:

Over the years I have found the following exercises to be most helpful:

1) spend ten minutes reliving the ten biggest winning moments in your past. Feel the 'WINNING FEELING" (Maxwell Maltz, PsychoCybernetics

2) Get quiet and think about how you'd feel if you KNEW with no doubt or fear that all your dreams were going to materialize and materialize sooner than you think. Hold that feeling for several minutes every day.

Ovulation Calendar

"You are ovulating between November 24, 2006 and November 26, 2006", says the Ovulation Calculator at womenshealth.gov. November 24 was the day we did it. That was careless of me. I won't be able to do a pregnancy test until a week after December 10, when my next period is due. If it's positive, then mid-February -- 12 weeks -- will be when we can actually talk about it to other people. Stay tuned.

I'm very happy. I'm very worried. And I feel like I've betrayed both Joe and Don.

I Continue In Love

And I always will. I can't stop! What follows is the shocking confession of a married woman about a man not her husband:

The day before Thanksgiving he took me up to Heil Ranch on his motorcycle. It's beautiful up there; we hiked around a bit; also squeezed in some cuddle time. After Thanksgiving dinner with my side of the family, Don and I popped over to Joe's with some Thanksgiving dinner for him. "You should call me tomorrow," I said softly when Don was in the other room. And he did! On Friday we spent several hours together at his place where we got naked, then had lunch and watched Jimmy Neutrino. Saturday night I popped over by myself while on the way back from visiting my daughter Kendall. We had some nice conversation and more making out. Sunday he brought his daughter over to our place and the three of us did puzzles. I spent the day in a happy daze, thinking about how nice it would be to pregnant. Sunday night Don and I went over to his place to watch James Bond and play UpWords. I won again! He was really sweet to me. So I've seen him every day for five days in a row. And it's still not enough. I want him always and everywhere.

I see now how a baby is an expression of love. I never really thought about it with Don. Our babies just happened along and I felt lucky that he tolerated them. It's not like we wanted to build a family as an expression of our love. That's how I feel about Joe, though. I want to have his baby and build a family together as an expression of our love.

Not that having a baby would make any sense. I'm almost 47, my girls are grown up, I've got a career which I want to keep, and I won't be able to stay home with the child. I'm sure there's tons more reasons, including not being married to the guy. But love doesn't make any sense, does it?

I invited him and his little girl over next weekend to make gingerbread houses for Christmas. They might let me come to Worlds of Wonder with them, too. So I have a nice weekend to look forward to. In the meantime, I'm going to concentrate on my work (become the best!) and my spiritual development (meditation, Science of Mind). I'm going to try to think about something besides his smile and his bright eyes every minute of every day the way I usually do.

Marie Antoinette

Went to see MA this weekend, having greatly anticipated it's release since summer. I was tremendously disappointed. It's boring as hell. Pretty to look at, but boring as hell. Several times during the show I was tempted to cut my losses and leave but convinced myself to stay because surely something was about to happen; surely a story would soon emerge from this jumble of random images. It never did.

The film is nothing more than a series of bright and colorful pictures from the life of Marie Antoinette. Oh sure, there was a little rumbling around the edges that things weren't so bright and happy in France but these issues were largely kept out of the movie. The unhappiness of their country scarcely touched them. There was no development of Marie's character, no in-depth look at what she was thinking or feeling. Surely she thought and felt something of depth over the course of her lifetime. The movie ends with the royal couple riding away in their coach. It looked to me like they got safely away. How can you end a movie about Marie Antoinette with her getting safely away?

I'm blogging this from my dashboard widget. So, he called, momentarily. I saw the caller ID, and as I pondered whether to answer, he apparently decided against it. I don't think I can stand by my promise to myself -- to never see or talk to him again.  

Betrayed Secrets

Last week I asked Tarot for a thought on the situation. I drew two cards, an adjective-noun pair. Three of swords - High Priestess said the Tarot: Betrayed Secrets. Uh oh.

I've decided not to go over to Joe's anymore. I can't stand all this endless up-and-down, does he like me/doesn't he, hot and cold that I've been going through. I want it to be over. I'm going to tell Don that I have a crush on Joe and because of that I don't want to see him anymore. That's as far as I'll go with betraying the secret.

I asked Tarot what it thought of my decision. Chariot-Five of Swords, it said. I've been puzzling the meaning. Victorius Conflict? Masculine Conflict, perhaps? That's certainly amusing but it won't stop me from doing what I've decided to do.