Confession

So guess who talked to who today? Don, my husband of 18 years, talked to Joe, the man I was in love with two years ago. Don needed Acura advice for my sister's car and called Joe to get it. Don doesn't know anything about me and Joe. I told Joe things would stay that way.

I have no need for confession. I believe in my grandmother's advice, that while confession may be good for the soul it's bad for relationships. The last time I talked to Joe, a year ago now, I told him I wouldn't ever tell. I consider the whole thing to be a secret that belongs to the both of us, not just to me. Also, I was concerned about just this type of eventuality -- that the two of them would have contact through their work. I didn't want them to be uncomfortable in each other's presence.

I qualified my promise, though. I won't tell until I'm sixty. I reserve the right to say anything to anybody when I'm sixty. So when that year rolls around, maybe then I'll tell Don, "I kissed Joe the year my mother died." But I won't say anything till then.

Now perhaps Joe knows I've kept my word thus far.

He Talks Too Much

God, my office mate is so annoying. He's a talker. A big talker. I ask him a question ("Is cuFSTitle in the XML what the stylesheet calls the Business Title?") (Doesn't that sound like an impressive question? I'm pretty impressed myself.) which he answers with a long history of how he queries the database and why. Waaaaaaay too many words. I can't listen to that deluge of detritus in the hope of mining a gem, so I don't listen at all.

The Bunny Got Away Again

The bunny got away again; no one knows how. Don said he saw him hopping about the alley in the afternoon. He had been roaming free in Rhiannon's room. Our best guess is that someone left the door open though no one will admit to this. He must have grabbed the chance for freedom when it came. Can you blame him? He probably explored the downstairs a bit, then made his way up the stairs, through the kitchen and out the back door, which we leave open in nice weather. Too bad it's not nice weather now. It's dark out, with thunder, lightning, rain and hail. I went out with an umbrella and a flashlight but didn't see him. I hope the little guy stays warm and dry all night.

I took the dog out once the rain let up. (Still lightning though - very exciting!) It was all dark and still, with porchlight gleaming off the wet patches, a perfect singing-in-the-rain night, and so I did. Mary Chapin Carpenter's Come On Come On, my current favorite.

The Meaning of Life

What is the meaning of life? I've been pondering this question for years and I still don't know. But I do know one thing - whatever the meaning of life is, it can be found in shorter time spans. It's not just your life you need to think about; it's this year, this week, this minute. What's the meaning of this minute? If you can answer that, you may have the answer to all.

I've Found Paradise

It's right here in Lafayette, along the Coal Creek Trail. There's a small bosque there (a cottonwood forest next to a river) where birds flutter, horses graze, and the sun sparkles on the stream. The skeleton of a huge white tree stretches up over a swimming hole. There's a rope swing on it so anyone who wants to can swing out over the water. I sat there, entranced by the reflections and the dragonflies, for half an hour while my dog played at the water's edge.

Today was a really wonderful day. I got up early and headed out to take some photos. I love this hobby. Today I walked up Cannon alley and down Chester alley. I took some shots of dew on autumn leaves, bees in flowers, a tiny pumpkin on a compost pile, and wicker chairs backlit by sun.

A lot of the photos don't turn out which is discouraging. I'm having a difficult time capturing on film the quality of uniqueness that I see about me. I'm not ready to give up, though. I must keep trying, keep learning.

My exercise program is going well. I'm being fairly consistent and my body is responding. I am having a hard time keeping the calories down, though, because 1) food feels so good, and 2) it's something to do when you're reading or working on something mindless.

The Most Important Thing

The most important thing in life is to manifest the divine light as is given you to manifest it; which you do by being the best you can be, by living vitally, or as Joseph Campbell puts it, by following your bliss.

The things that makes me ME are passing and transitory. The eternal thing is the consciousness of which I am a part. And yet, it is my uniqueness though which others will be blessed and served. Be unique. Be vital. Follow your bliss.

In the world of the passing and transitory:
Kendall had a bunch of friends over for a poker tournament this evening. I spent a good deal of time wondering when I should make them go home. I feel silly about my worrying now. They are good kids and the party was pretty low key. There was no alcohol, smoking or rowdy behavior. My carpets were in no danger. (I can hear what you're thinking - "You call that a party?"). There was just lots of talk, laughter and Jimi Hendrix blasting on the stereo. At 12:30, they started to say things like, "I'm ready for this tournament to be over," and "I can barely keep my eyes open." I took that as my cue to say "It's 12:30. I should probably kick you guys out now." They finished their hand and off they went.

The Price You Pay

In spite of the fact that I love what I do, I sometimes think I should have entered a different career. Because I might enjoy it even better. Because I might be able to do more to make the world a better place. Because it might be what I am supposed to be doing.

And this makes me realize: Whatever you choose, you don't choose something else.

Further, you don't have to do anything. You don't have to choose anything. But you do have to live with the consequences of your choice.

That's the desperate truth, the spiral paradox. The price you pay is that you have to live with the consequences.

So ask yourself, Who are you? What do you want to be? What would you give to be that person?

Would you give your time? Your money? Your life?

What do you give in exchange for what you most want?

This is your life you are living. This is your life that you are giving. You can choose or not choose, do or not do, live or not live. But you cannot Not Pay. You will always pay.

Just make sure that what you get is worth it. You are trading your life for something. Make sure it's worth it.

Life is Good

Just a quick note to say I like my new hobby (photograpy), I like my new job (XSLT developer), I like my rabbit and my dog, I like my body, I like my hair, I like my kids. My house is okay, as is my husband. He's great except he doesn't want to be bothered with adult responsibility. Life is pretty good. Not perfect, but pretty damn good.

Here's what I did after work: went for walk with dog and took snapshots, made salsa (there is nothing as good as homemade salsa -- nothing), picked up, started a load of laundry, did aerobics and watched Whale Rider (a very sloooooooow movie; I could barely get through it). I only partially completed my Daily Check List.

Disaster Relief

Here's an entry from Rhiannon's Blog. She's on disaster relief in Florida, cleaning up after the many hurricanes that blew through this season.

I love hard gym floors.
They are fun to sleep on,
especially when you have 30 girls packed
into a room fifteen by twenty feet large.

I love tarping roofs,
especially when the roofs are so hot
they melt your tennis shoes.
I am glad that the tarps are slippery,
because it makes it that much easier to fall off.
Especially when you have to walk across them to get off.

I love lots of fast food.
If it were up to me, I would eat nothing else.
Fortunately, we don't eat anything else.
Fast food 3 meals a day, 7 days a week.
I love being a vegetarian.

I love moving.
It's a good thing that we move once a day.
Otherwise I would get to sleep on a bed.
Otherwise I would get to eat a home-cooked meal.
Otherwise I would get to shower in a decent shower.
It's a good thing that we move once a day.

I love disaster relief.

Thank you.

Images in Blogger

I'm working on getting images figured out.

Here are some:


Okay, that worked. Those are thumbnail images from my Back Alley Project photography, which I work on after I get home from work.

It's been an education, let me tell you. I've ruined several good pictures through

1. camera shake
2. paying no attention to aperture
3. incorrect light metering
   

My Projects

1. Archery
2. Ice Skating
3. Medieval Garb
4. Photo Album / Scrapbooking
5. Drawing
6. Intensive Journal Summary
7. Intensive Journaling
8. Charity's End Web Site
9. Story Telling
10. Guitar and Violin
11. Tarot
12. Mythology Group
13. Knitting
14. New Media Design
15. Motherhood
16. Loving What Is Inquiry
17. Race Walking
18. Photo Journalism – Lafayette's Back Alleys

My SCA Medieval Garb

Completed

• Brown velvet tunic with cream underskirt.
• White early Tudor with blue underskirt.
• Maroon early Tudor with gold underskirt.
• Black dress.
• Short red tunic, heavily embroidered, with sage green underdress and medieval print sleeves.
• Blue tunic embroidered with white leaves, with red underdress.
• Dark blue cote with white hem and red sleeves.
• Cream tunic with brown trim and brown underdress.
• Various skirt/vest/ combinations.
• Blue dress with red heraldic tabard.
• Red dress with lavender underskirt and blue tabard.
• Five cloaks.

In various stages of completion

• Black and maroon Italian Ren.
• Sage green cote with quilted jacket.
• Black cote with beaded underdress.
• Maroon with lace-up front and white brocade underskirt.

Off They Go

Tuesday, July 21, 2004
I took the family -- sans Rhiannan, of course -- to the airport today and sent them off to Florida. They will play in the sand and surf for a week. Their cousins Alexandria and Graham are there. They should have a great time. I'm so proud of Melanie and Karen. They are so tall and pretty! I stood on the bridge above while they went through the security line below. They looked up at me through the glass roof while they descended down the escalator to the shuttle. Right before they disappeared, I mouthed "You're pretty" to them.

I'm very much looking forward to spending a week on my own. I spent the evening very pleasurably. First, I went to my Dad's, where we stuffed ourselves with steak, corn and mangoes. Back at home, I read Stephen Crane's poetry aloud to myself, thinking frequently of Joe and of Rhiannon. Then I went jogging, took a bath by candlelight, and went to bed.

Joe and Rhiannon are my two great loves. Carrie B. was too, though, wasn't she? I loved her with all my heart. And she broke it.

You know what I want? To be able to say, "I loved. I loved deeply and madly and truly." Whitney Houston: "Didn't we almost have it all? The ride with you was worth the fall."

Thursday, July 22, 2004
Saw Joe today as we both headed off to work. He was getting into his car as I drove by. That guy is getting balder and balder. He pretended he didn't see me, and I didn't slow down to say hi. I'm still obsessed by him. Because I'm an idiot. Because my marriage isn't any good and I have nobody else to think of. Because I felt a deep connection with him.

Life is an adventure. You don't always know what will happen or how things will turn out. You marry and it turns bad. You fall for someone else, who maybe falls for you, but it doesn't go anywhere. That's my adventure, anyway.

Friday, July 23, 2004
Quarterly department staff retreat this morning. What a waste of time. Blah blah blah. Endless talk. It wasn't completely horrible, though. I sat next to Sam S. and we amused ourselves whispering funny comments to each other.

Three day weekend, July 24-26, 2004
What a great weekend. I made it a three day weekend by calling in sick Monday. (Couldn't sleep Sunday night so it wasn't too much of a lie.) I spent the weekend alone, mostly, reveling in my solitude and in my ability to go and do whatever I wanted. I finished a beautiful garb dress. I worked in the extra room downstairs, getting it cleaned out so it can be our family room. I bought a computer desk to put down there. I bought a portable archery target, set it up in the backyard and did some shooting. I had the most wonderful time ice-skating. I'm feeling more and more the way I want to feel out there -- like I'm dancing. I talked to Tess, got a massage from Maria, talked with Raul, who showed me SoulSeek, and visited with Dad. I spent four hours with the JCMG chat room crew on Saturday night. We have a lot of fun in there. We crack ourselves up. I jogged every day. I watched some Fellowship of the Ring and read some Harry Potter. Life is good. Very very good.

July 27, 2004
I spent another sleepless night last night. My back is bothering me. It's jumpy. So I spent the night trying various ways to work out the kinks. Unsuccessfully. They are still in there. Which means a sleepless night is in store for me tonight.

The lack of sleep bothers me greatly, mostly, I think, because of the lack of control I have with it. It's one thing to stay up till the wee hours reading and then be dead tired the next day, as I often do. But at least when reading, I know I can grab a few hours of zzzz's. With my back bothering me, I don't even get that. It's making me feel crazy, as though eternity were closing in upon me as the hours of darkness stretch out. Despair. Blackness. My death approaches, and I haven't figured life out yet.

July 28, 2004
You know what else I want? To serve. To make the world better by my passing through it.

Lovely Day

Lovely morning. I awoke from a wonderful dream, all about being part of a fun and loving family. Then I had a delicious breakfast of fried mushrooms on toast with a scrambled egg and coffee which I ate on the back porch. Afterwards I sat there lazily, reading the paper and enjoying the sunshine. Suddenly the dead bird moved! The cat killed it two days ago and left its body on the lawn. Oh my god! It's still alive! Then I saw the snake. It had ahold of the body and was moving it across the lawn toward the bushes. It made quite a bit of progress before it hit a tough spot and gave up. I finished the job for it -- I picked up the remains and threw them in the bushes. Bon apetit, snake.

I watched The Virgin Suicides with Kendall. It gave me alot to think about -- the relationship of parents and teens, of girls and boys, and of grownups to each other and themselves. It's tough, all the worrying I do about my kids. I should just eash off, trust them a little. Except they might do something dumb! Something irrevocable. Emotional hurts and physical hurts can last for a very long time. Anyway, Kendall is a great kid. I'm glad I've got her for my daughter.

Every evening, when I sit on my bed for some quiet contemplation, I feel a happy fullness. My heart swells with gladness. I love this life, warts and all. I love being alive. I don't have all the answers. Hell, I don't have any answers at all, but I love being part of it all the same.

You don't have to do anything

Here's a truth I've realized: You don't have to do anything except live with the consequences of your actions.

You don't have to work, or play, or learnthis or that, or be successful, or do anything at all with your life. You don't! But you do have to life with whatever you've chosen. If you've chosen to read, you won't ice skate. If you chose the beach, you don't have the mountains.

It doesn't matter what you choose. Choose anything you want! They are all good.

Here's another "have to" I heard somewhere that I really like:

There are only two things you have to do: 1) Die. 2) Live until then.

I find these words cut to the heart of the matter.

New Job

Tomorrow I begin my new job as an XSLT developer. I don't feel ready.This is NOT going to work.

Where am I going with my life? What do I WANT? What do I want to be?

Let's do The Work on this: I need to make something of my life. Is this true?

Answer: Maybe, maybe not. Does it matter if I've written a bok, or raised good kids, or been responsible? Answer: I can't know. I'll never know. Maybe yes, maybe no. I do not know if what I do is ultimately good or bad. How would you judge it? By the effect my life has had on others. The bigger the effect the better. The better their lives are, the better I've done.

So who's judging? God? Others? Yes, others. History judges. If my name is in the history books then my life will have been worthwhile.

No, Daisy, then your life will have been noteworthy. It's not necessarily the same thing. Besides, why care what the history books say? I do, because then others will remember me. I'll have achieved some level of immortality. Like in Goodbye Mr. Chips. He remembered all the kids. Someone will have said of me, I remember you; I see you; I love the manifestation of the divine that is you.

I need to make something of my life. Is this true?

Answer: Yes, it's true. But I can't ever know if I have succeeded. Therefore, I must life by my own lights and trust the universe. I am the only judge of whether I have succeeded or not. I need to feel I've made something of my life, I need to be proud of me, I need to feel like I've made a difference. That's how I'll judge -- my looking within at my own reactions to what I've done.

Busy busy busy day

It's amazing how quickly the day goes by. I got almost nothing done again. My list of babysteps toward goals is the first thing I set aside. Didn't meditate, didn't draw, didn't do tarot. Yet I was busy all day!

I walked the dog, cleaned the back porch, made food of various kinds, took Michaela to Walmart for camp stuff, talked to Mike H, took a short nap, read some Loving-What-Is posts, went to the grocery store for picnic food, and knitted a few lines. When evening came, it was off to Grampa's for BBQ and fireworks. Maria, Raul and Anne-Marie came and we all had a wonderful time.

I've come up with a whole bunch of things I can do inquiry on:

I need to know what life is about
I need to have friends
I need to know what to do with this life
I need to build a strong family
I have control over my life
I should be different than I am

I believe these are true, but are they really? I love this inquiry program. It's fantastic, wonderful, freeing. My life is wonderful and interesting.

I've started Victoria Principal's 30-Day Diet. I don't get to eat much, let me tell you. Unfortunately we've had BBQ's each evening since I started, and I was
forced to each much more than allowed. But each day dawns anew, and with it a fresh chance to starve myself.

Friday, July 2, 2004
I am really disgusted with my body. My lower half is shot to hell. God, I can't stand to look at myself. Thick waist, fat rear end, heavy thighs. Sickening. I keep starting various programs, and I keep failing. This weekend I'm starting another one -- Victoria Principal's 30-day Bikini Diet.

Sunday, July 4, 2004
I'm not doing too well with Victoria Principal's 30-day Bikini Diet. She prescribes VERY FEW calories so I'm very hungry. I did very good for the morning and afternoon, then stuffed myself in the evening. Hmmmm. I'll try again tomorrow.

Monday, July 5, 2004
I start my new job today down at ITS (Information Technology Services). I'll be job-sharing between that one as an XSLT developer and this one as an HTML developer. So where are my bosses, who presumably are going to help the transition? They are not here. Further, this whole XSLT thing is very new to me, and I'm not very good at it yet. Therefore, I'm VERY NERVOUS. I'm so nervous I can hardly think straight.

Month of June 2004

Tuesday, June 1, 2004
Don and I are doing a little better. We are actually talking to one another, chatting about this and that. I'm still mad that he doesn't contribute financially. Here's a radical idea: What if I gave that thought up completely? What if it was okay with me that he not give money? Answer: Then I would be letting myself be taken advantage of.Question: So what? Answer: Then the marriage wouldn't be much of a partnership.

Wednesday, June 2, 2004
I did not lose six pounds last month like I said I was going to. Bad Daisy! I MUST lost the weight this month. My summer shorts are all uncomfortably tight.

Also this month, I'm going to work hard on all the things I want to learn and do. Mastery, that's my goal. Life is so much more enjoyable when you're good at things.

I got off to a good start today. I finished my first knitting project. It's a dishrag. A 100% cotton, hand-knitted, very large dishrag. If you paid me $3/hour to knit that dishrag, then that would be a $12 dishrag you've got there.

Wednesday, June 9, 2004
Michaela spent the previous week in Minnesota with her cousins. She flew home today in the company of my sister, who had to leave the party early to get back to work. She's the sweetest person imaginable, and an air traffic controller in Albuquerque. In other words, she works for the FAA, which has oversees all the airports in the country. She wore her employee tag around her neck. She said it's not necessary, but she's found she gets better treatment when she does. She also said it's kinda fun walking around the airport, knowing that she's got authority over pretty much everyone there.

Thursday, June 10, 2004
My life is so great I can't believe it. I'm doing so many cool things, and cool things happen to me. This evening, Kendall had a bunch of her friends over to watch movies. They are all great kids. I went to archery practice, where I bruised my arm up real nice and had a nice solo chat with Simon, who I greatly admire. Back at home, I watched the rest of Peter Pan with the kids. What a great movie -- so much sexual symbolism and nuance. Then I read and went to bed where I dreamed happy dreams.

Friday, June 11, 2004
At work, I watched Reagan's funeral with a few co-workers. We were all teary eyed. Also, the main characters from HMS Pinafore were in the photography studio for pictures. The sailor looks very much like Joe. It was hard to look at him. I hope he didn't notice me staring. Joe is in the past, where he belongs, and I'm glad. His memory is all warm and fuzzy. I still love him, but it is more love of an idea than a real person.

Thursday, June 17, 2004
That cute guy from down the hall just walked by. He looked in my office, too, as he went by. I sure hope I looked good. I bet I don't. I think he has a slight crush on me, just like I have on him. We're similar types -- quiet with bright eyes.

One of the members of a list I'm on shared part of a story with us: A Dog's Tale by Mark Twain. I found the whole thing online. Here's a link: A Dog's Tale. Don't read it unless you've got a box of Kleenex handy.

I'm listening to music from the Cowboy Cultural Society (www.cowboyculturalsociety.com). It's great. I love this kind of stuff.

Monday, June 21, 2004
First day of uPortal seminar. Ive been tapped to be the XSLT queen at work, working on our new student and faculty portal. I've no idea what the whole thing is about; hence my presence here. It's all beginning to make sense. Meals and snacks are included in the fee, and boy, does this place do them right. The delicous meals start with a soup or salad and finish with dessert, all gourmet and of huge portions. I'm stuffed.

Rhiannon comes home today for a week's vacation. Yea! After the seminar finishes, I've the rest of the week off.

Monday, June 28, 2004
What a great week. Rhiannon was a loving, wonderful, fun presence. She chose to hang around with us rather than going up to town to see her boyfriend. That can mean only one thing -- they've broken up. That's too bad. She didn't talk about it. I hope she's not taking it too hard.

So I got her full time. We watched movies, played games, and ate out. We went to several extended family dinner parties. She treated us all to jalepeno poppers at Beau Jo's afrer which we walked on the mall -- a new family tradition. She and I went to the Cheesecake Factory for dessert. They must have twenty different kinds of cheesecake there. I've had several of the flavors now, and I can most definitely say that cheesecake reaches the pinnacle of perfection when it is simple. If you are searching for perfection in a cheesecake, choose simplicity. Most everything else is downhill.

The new Michael Moore movie, Farenheit 9/11, is out. I've seen his 'Roger and Me' and 'Bowling for Columbine.' Both are an outrageous mix of half-truths, exaggerations, manipulations, outright lies, editing so tight that truth is left behind, and shock-jock reporting. I can't imagine that Faranheit 9/11 is any different.

Month of May 2004

Saturday, May 1, 2004
Quest for the Unicorn's Horn. I went for the morning and I did okay. I worked Troll for a while which gave me an opportunity to meet people. I very much enjoyed that. I also talked to Cecily at length and chatted with Lia and Reshana. I danced in the Maypole dance which was a lot of fun. I didn't sing to the Baronness, which I should have done, if only to practice my song in front of an audience so I can sing it at a bardic sometime. Plus I would have won a token. I was overcome with panic several times. I look out over the field and think "Oh my god, who am I going to talk to next." These SCA events are good for me. They force me to get out with people. Someday I'll even be successful!

In the evening I visited my YahooGroup chat room. It's something I do every Saturday. I'm getting to know the girls--it's mostly girls, with the occasional male sprinkled here and there. Nice chat tonight as usual. Charlie confessed that he had never been intimate with a woman. Tami told us a story from her crazy younger days. Jan and Kione contributed wise words. Sue and Sabrina were there, too; the whole gang.

Sunday, May 2, 2004
Slept late, then did chores with the girls, then popped to the library with Kendra for a couple hours, then went by myself to Dad's for a short visit. Mary and Ray were there with their kids. Mary wants to learn to knit. I told her I'd teach her. Not that I'm any good but I do know how to cast on, how to knit and how to purl. I'm going to research medieval knitting. Apparently it came to Europe from Arabia through Spain. Excellent. My persona is Spanish. Spanish knitting will be an excellent bit of history to specialize in.

I've decided to lose six pounds by the end of this month. At 5'6" and 128 lbs I'm not overweight by any means. However, my best weight is 120. I've been slowly inching up over the winter, and now my jeans no longer fit. A few extra pounds makes a big difference, especially when they are all in your ass.

Monday, May 3, 2004
I feel grumpy. I don't know why. Just grumpy. Like no one likes me and I like no one. I huddled in my office all day. Toward the end I finally forced myself to make a connection. I talked to one of my co-workers about his weekend. I usually expect people to run away from me, so while he was talking I kept wondering when he would quit and beat a retreat. He didn't though. He stayed and kept chatting. I'd better do The Work on the belief that no one wants to talk to me.

Michaela was angry at me yesterday because of a punishment I enforced. Today she's better. We had a nice time talking and laughing this evening. She told me about her day.

I was thinking today about how wonderful it has been to have three neat kids. I've been so lucky to be their mom. Each year has been a precious jewel. I wrote these things in my journal and read them aloud to M and K as I wrote. K said it was silly and bit me on the shoulder. (She always does that. It's a love bite.) Then she went and got her homework -- Latin translation -- and read it to me. So I think she liked what I was writing.

Tuesday, May 4 , 2004
I got a lot of things on my to-do list done today, which always makes me feel good. I hemmed the red garb skirt, uploaded another picture to humanclock.com, called my sister, exercised, etc.

Suddenly I feel really fat. It hasn't happened suddenly; my weight has been inching up all winter. But now I can't stand it. Most of my jeans don't fit. My waist is disgustingly thick. My legs are out of shape. My butt is blobby. And yet my upper body is too skinny. My arms are toothpicks. I know the solution: become a swimmer. That will increase chest circumference and muscle mass, giving me a much more balanced look. Maybe I'll have time once my class is over.

Wednesday, May 5 , 2004
Drawing class today. We've got four pictures due next Monday. My pics are Waterfall, The Land of Fruit, Nude 1 (Graphite) and Nude 2 (Charcoal). I'm not done with any of them but they are coming along nicely. The teacher complimented me on my work; said I was drawing with much more confidence this semester than last. It's true.

Drawing class is a very nice class. Did I connect with anyone in class today? Well, I talked with Jerry and Leroy a little. I avoided contact with Billy when I was sitting outside on the steps, but that's only because I was singing a sad song to myself when he came out, and thinking about my dead mother and how wrong I was to resent her all those years. I was sniffling a little and wasn't ready for company.

Thursday, May 6 , 2004
Michaela is failing freshman French. Seems like she's always been failing one course or another, sometimes several at a time, ever since middle school. She's a smart little thing, too, but she just doesn't take school seriously. Missing assignments? Who cares? For Michaela, school is the place you go to be with your friends.

I spent an enjoyable evening at Dad's. Cleopatra with Elizabeth Taylor and Richard Burton was on TV so we watched that for a while. The porch was swarming with mosquitos. They plastered themselves up against the windows. I felt like I was living in an Alfred Hitchcock movie. We also discussed Nan-isms -- the good advice Nan, his mother, had to say. For example:

• Deny it. Even if you're caught bare-assed naked in bed with someone else, deny it. They want to believe you.
• Virtue often gets the credit that should really go to cold feet.
• When you are breaking the law, commit the deed to memory. Don't take pictures to better remember the fun.

I've signed up for the Shyness Group on Yahoo.com. I'm looking forward to sharing painful stores of social anxiety with all the other members. Hurray!

Weekend, May 7-9 , 2004
Enjoyable weekend. Saturday I went down to my brother Ray's to celebrate his son's First Communion. Several other friends of his were there that I did not know. I didn't experience the panic that I did when I went to Tess's a couple weeks ago. However, I didn't talk to them much at all. I just didn't bother myself to do so. Sunday I went to my sister Maria's to teach her how to knit. By the end of the session she was casting on successfully. She said I changed her life. She had been so afraid of the difficulties of knitting that she was psychologically blocked. I cured that.

Rhiannan bought me a spa trip for Mother's Day. She arranged the whole thing long distance from Maryland. It started at 5:30. I went up to town a bit early so I'd have time to find the place. It was near the library. A public jam session was taking place on the lawn, with percussion and dancing. I joined in for a bit, then it was off to the spa where I soaked in a whirlpool for a while, then got an hour-long massage. It was wonderful. Afterward I stopped at a deli to pick up a bite to eat. There was a cute young guy behind the counter who gave me the most wonderful smile. Like he thought I was the most wonderful thing ever. I was confused. Why was he smiling like that? Was I particularly beautiful at that moment because of the massage? He was both cuter and younger than I, and I did not feel worthy of his smile. I was much too embarrassed to connect with him. Afterwards I regretted my embarrassment. From now on I vow to always smile back. If something's going to happen, let it happen!

Monday, May 10 , 2004
I'm now the proud owner of a padded bra. It gives me an excellent profile. Quite impressive!

Tuesday, May 11, 2004
Michaela showed me a message her friend wrote to her. It's in Leet. Can you read it?

/\/\1(-43_4
-3__0 /\/\1(-43_4! -333-333! _33+!!! 15/\/'+ "7" = +0 "+"? 6222! +-15 15 +235 =_/\/, /\/0/\/? 3_3_6-! 1 4+3 /\/\33535 =02 3234<=45+!!! /\/\\/\/4-4-4!!!! \/\/3__, 1 +-1/\/< +-15 1s 3/\/0_6- _33+ =02 +0)4`/! `/0_'23 4 +0)4`/!!! 3\/\/4-4-4444!!! >< - )34+-!!! 3`/3`/3!!!
~ <4+`/

Translation:
Hello Michaela! Hee-Hee! Leet!!! Isn't "7" = to "+"? Grrr! This is tres fun, non? Bleugh! I ate meeses for breakfast!!! Mwahaha!!!! Well, I think this is enough leet for today! You're a today!!! Bwahahaaaa!!! X-Death!!! ByBye!!!~Katy

Thursday, May 13, 2004
Today I'm wearing a bra that holds the girls snugly and close to my chest. Quite a different look. Boyish, really.

I've got a great weekend planned. Archery tonight, knitting party with Maria on Friday, a night at the symphony on Saturday, and ice skating Sunday. Plus reading, drawing, sewing, a little Firefly, some domesticity and some garden work. Sweet!

Friday, May 14, 2004
I was so up this morning. I was flying. I had a wonderful time at archery last night. I didn't do so hot, but I enjoyed being with everybody. And I dreamed about Simon, our archery master. And I was excited about knitting with Maria and her kids. So emotionally I was soaring. But now I've crashed. I feel tired, a bit down, and I'm wondering how I'll have the energy to get through the rest of the day. My weekend plans don't seem so interesting to me as they did yesterday. I think I'll take a nap when I get home. A nap sounds delicious.

Weekend, May 14-16, 2004
Weekend nice. I had a great time knitting with Maria on Friday. Saturday's highlights included a phone conversation with Rhiannon, online myth group chat and a evening at the symphony. Sunday was all about iceskating, cookie making with Sara and dinner out with Michaela, after which we rented Big Fish and stayed up way too late.

Tuesday, May 18, 2004
I have got a ton of half-finished garb to complete and it's taking me forever to get it done. However, I did make a little progress this evening, plus I figured out how to get the straps attached on my quiver. Did I tell you about my quiver? It's a mailing tube covered with red faux snakeskin. Boy, is it beautiful. Also this evening: watched American Idol with Kendall, which was a lot of fun. Fantasia was the strongest singer this evening. She's very good, but she gets a blank look on her face when she sings. It's very odd. Plus she's about as graceful as a scarecrow. The other two contestants did not do well this evening.

Wednesday, May 18, 2004
Here's the plan for tonight: Make a tunic top from the cream and white striped material. Finish quiver.

Thursday, May 27, 2004
The tunic top turned out terrible. I threw it away. No big loss, as the material was $1/yard scratchy polyester. The quiver is great. The quiver is wonderful. I love the quiver.

I've been thinking about my mom. What did it feel like to be so sick? Did she know her death was coming closer? Did she know that she wouldn't be coming back from the hospital?
I was there with her when she died. I held her hand and smoothed her hair, which was more physical contact with her than I ever remember getting. She liked me okay, I guess, but I don't know if she loved me. She probably wanted to but couldn't. Maybe she was just undemonstrative, maybe she couldn't give to me what she never got from her own mom, maybe she was just too overwhelmed by the number of children she had and the difficulty of marriage with my dad.

I didn't know all that as a child, though. I resented her and resented her and resented her.

Memorial Day Weekend, May 28-31, 2004
So how did I do this weekend? Can I count this weekend as successful? Did I meet my watchwords? Did I move toward my goals?

Watchwords: Excitement - Learning - Connection - Authenticity - Mastery - Industry - Awareness

I watched American Beauty with Michaela then looked up the symbolism on the Internet. Roses constricted, roses wild and untamed. I babysat for Tess so she could have some time alone with daughter Emily. Babysitting for Tess is a mind-blowing experience. She's got 9 kids. I went to a party celebrating my nephew's first communion. I got there before anyone else I knew, and while I stood there by myself panic and fear began to descend upon me. Luckily a friendly person with whom I had a slight acquaintance made conversation with me. Then my siblings showed up and I talked with them at length. What else did I do? I drove to the ice rink to skate but it was closed for the holiday. I watched the Indy 500 with Don up till it was rained out. I took Michaela shopping. I enjoyed breakfasts on the porch. I took the family out to Efrain's for our first local restaurant tasting party. I knitted. I worked on garb. I went jogging twice. I attended JCMG chat on Saturday night and talked to everyone for a couple hours. I found a place to shoot arrows nearby. I walked the dog. I watched a Firefly episode. I read XSLT for Dummies. I read a bit of Mythic Image. I drove with Kendall, who is working on her license.

So I had a nice, busy, enjoyable weekend. Once I felt overwhelming panic, but more often I was filled to overflowing with fullness and love.