Arteriovenous malformation

I've got one. And it bled a little in my brain. That's not a good thing. If it does it again I could be fucked.

Love Poems

I sent him one. He said it was sweet and he didn't know what to say. I am such an idiot. Such a fricking idiot. God I hate myself so much. What a slap in the face from someone I thought loved me. He does just enough to keep himself from being kicked out. And I call that the best I've ever had. I guess it's not hard to top Don, or Dad. This piddly little love IS the best I've ever had. There's only one reason not to kill myself and that's Michaela. It would probably hit her pretty hard. I like to think it would, anyway. I want to be important to somebody.

My siblings

Are people I lived with a long long time ago, when we were very little. We weren't friends then, and I can't pretend we are friends now. I only see them at Christmas. I'm not going to go to Christmas any more, or Thanksgiving either.

Ready to break up

For reals.

He's just so not suitable for long-term boyfriend material. There's no thought for the future with him, there's no planning, no preparation, no dreams. There's just TV, occasional outdoor outings, listening to him tell stories about himself and watching him get high. It's all very much in the present.

I'm not going to tell him, I'm just going to start acting differently.

No obligations.
I'm in charge.
It's my house.
I'll watch whatever I want to, downstairs.
I'll clean off the patio table and do my computer lessons out there.
I'll talk about whatever I want to.
I'll be a bitch and an asshole.
Very excited about the changes.

He uses me; time for me to start using him. No obligations.

Jim ticks me off sometimes

Dickhead. He got all pissed because I called him on his phone instead of coming outside into the cold to find him. He's got a pay-per-use phone so every phone call costs money. Yay! I've got the cheapest boyfriend ever. He can't spend thirty cents on me frivolously. Once we were home, I stomped into his room, flung a dollar at him, and stomped out. He came up to rub my back later, which he never ever does. Perhaps that was his way of making up. Too bad I won't get an apology.

First Post of 2013!

And it's already February.

Foot Surgery

Bunionectomy on Tuesday. Wednesday was horrible but it's getting better.

Still want out

We had (another) nice talk in which I explained my feelings. Jim's great for wanting to understand. But he's still best friends with David. I want out. They are both going to have to go. It's gonna hurt like hell but I've got to get out of here. They are sitting down in the family room right now, watching TV and chatting. I'd like to watch TV and chat with my boyfriend, but there's no room. I refuse to make up a threesome; that's just too twisted. I want them both to go away. I've decided to sell the house. It's gonna be really painful and difficult. But come spring, Jim will still not have a job, David will still not have a job, they will still be best buds, and they will have spent even more time in each other's company than Jim will have spent with me. I want out.

I'm leaving!

I've finally reached the point where I can ask for a divorce, break up with Jim and sell the house.

I hate it here so so much. David and Jim are a real tight couple; there's no room for me.

Independent

D and J went off to Chandler's mine yesterday, leaving me alone for hours. It was the best thing, as these things usually turn out to be, for it gave me the chance to go to Union Reservoir. I realized while there that I'm not capable of being in a successful relationship, want to be like Rose Wilder Lane, and am being forced to be what is best for me -- independent. I'm going to cut my hair as a sign of that.

Finally ready for the future

It's taken many years, but I'm finally ready for the 'Let's get a divorce' discussion with Don. I actually envisioned it, and it went well! Also am ready to move on with my life without J. He's got so many awesome qualities, but there are two deal-breakers: no job, and best friends with Don. I'm okay with moving to a smaller place. Not sure what to do about the dogs. Maybe Rose can take Dice. Bandit will be lonely until I get home but there's no help for that.

I hate myself

Because I suck

New Goal: Wedge Driver

New goal for June: Drive a wedge between Don and YKW. I just can't take the happy friendship that exists between them. I'm going to make them distrustful and unhappy with each other. I'm going to do it by making friendly with Don.

Update July 2013: This turned out to be very hard to do, because I just don't like Don. I don't want to interact with him in any way. But, I'm going to try again.

I Love Jim

And he loves me. He's the one I love. Don't know what the future holds, nor are things perfect. But they are mostly perfect.

Don't Want to Hide Anymore

Not worth it. Better to be known than to pretend to be something and someone I'm not. Better to be rejected for what I am than accepted for what I am not. Ha. The irony there is that I am a poser. That's who and what I am.

Ready to Move On

Jim didn't get up this morning to give me a ride to the bus stop, so I had to walk. He doesn't pay rent. He borrows money from me. He only works sporadically out of David's garage. He struts around like he owns the place. It's time to put him in his place. I go to work while he stays at home doing very little. It's time to take control; time to have fun being a bitch; time to take ownership of my house back.

I don't want to live all alone. It's nice to have someone there in case you are in trouble. However, I am going to be more bossy to both of them, and stop treating Jim like he's special.

Blood in the Dumpster

And it was my own. I slipped while climbing in; hit real hard on my pubic bone. It hurt so so bad. After a while the pain subsided and the area felt all warm and glow-y on the inside. Then that subsided as well and it began to feel warm and wet. 'Did the blow make me pee my pants?' I wondered. 'It sure feels like there's something dripping down my leg.'

So I took a quick peek inside -- so much blood! I got a lot of good stuff though, so I guess I paid for it all in a way.

It still hurts about the birds

It's been seven months since I starved the finches to death. It still hurts. I still miss them. I think of the days leading up to their deaths, and that very last night, and finding them the next day. Jim was awful.

Most interesting conversation yet: "If you had let Bandit die and had kicked us out, I would have been very impressed. I would have thought, 'There's hope for Cathy yet.'"

Which means a couple things:

1) He knows he's taking advantage of me. Repeat that, Cathy. He knows he's taking advantage of me.

2) He is not impressed with the way I'm doing things now.

He knows I'm martyring myself for him and Don, but he's okay with it. He's not gonna rescue me. He's not gonna get a job himself.

What the hell does he like about me then?

I would like to discuss finances with my father. What is the best route from here?

 The lesson you were supposed to have learned from Don is that you have to be strong; that being weak gets you walked on. You are foolish to think that Joe is different. Being weak encourages behavior in others that they would not have otherwise done.

Bandit got surgery

Internal obstruction: corncob. He stopped eating and drinking, was throwing up and wasting away. Luckily we caught it in time. He had surgery Tuesday; I'm taking him home today.