July 2001

Tuesday, July 8, 2003
I couldn't go to work today; I was crying too much. I cried for a while in the parking lot, then decided I'd better take the day off. I didn't go home; I went to the library where I used the Internet to e-mail in sick. Now I'm sitting by the window, looking at the creek, reading and writing. I'm much better at the moment. Not crying, anyway.

I was crying because I can't overcome the faults that keep me from true happiness; because I love Joe and he doesn't love me, because I'll never be able to build the close spiritually-centered family I wanted, because I'm small and insignificant and don't matter to anybody, because I want so much for things to matter but nothing does, because life with Don is a struggle, because no one is strong enough to listen to me.

What I want is to be loved. I want is a small circle of people who love me. But I can't get it. I don't have the ability to get it.

I'm going crazy. Life means nothing. I'm going crazy because I do not speak the truth. I'm going crazy because I have to bear things alone.

Wednesday, July 9, 2003
I'm still going mad. There's nothing to live for anymore. I can't start a new relationship with anyone because it would just be a repeat of my marriage with Don -- criticism, despising me, refusal to be counted upon.

Here's a quote from The Hours: (speaking of an old hotel, which used to be nice because in days past . . .) "hopes were nutured here, that upon entering the lobby people were expected to feel as if they were moving in an orderly fashion into a future that held something worth having."

I wish I had a future like that -- one worth having. I don't see it from here. The future contains nothing worth having, only my father's death, Joe's death, my death.

I cannot keep the darkness away. I cannot be strong any longer.

No. I refuse to descend into madness. I won't go down that way. Somehow I must find hope. Somehow I must find love. I need a teacher. I need community. I ask the universe, I ask the infinite, for the things I need.

Thursday, July 10, 2003
Today was a pretty good day. I did get a little weepy but was able to overcome it. I was happy mostly. I talked to Lorraine and my sister Regan on the phone. I am happiest when I have talked to people. Talked to my dad, too, about the Chewelah trip. I don't want to go this year. I want Don to go and take the kids so I can be alone for a week. I never talk to Don anymore. There's nothing to say to him. Joe didn't call. He said he would but he didn't. It's the same as always. He doesn't need to talk to me, doesn't need to hear my voice, doesn't want to get involved. Charity, you need to move on.

Weekend, July 11-13, 2003
I took Friday off and drove down to Albuquerque with Kendall to pick up Michaela. It's a very long drive but was pleasant to spend the time with Kendall.

Michaela spent the week down in Albuquerque with her cousins, the oldest of whom is 10. Even though she's a lot older, she loves playing with them. I think she really likes being the older sister for a change. At home she's the youngest. All her life her sisters have been bigger and smarter and more capable than she. Down in Albuquerque she gets to be the biggest and smartest. She spent the night over at one of Rosalie's friends, whose mom later told me she was worshipped like a goddess by the younger girls.

I've been thinking of placing more trust in Divine Love that things will all work out, but am unsure if that makes any sense. 1) Is there such a thing as Divine Love and 2) Can one trust it to do what's best? After all, I turned from faith because of what Divine Love has done to me. It gave me Don, who has insulted me and hurt me and stopped supporting the family and whose eyes glaze over when I talk. Why should I go back to trusting Divine Love? Who holds God accountable?

Saturday was a nice day. Regan took us swimming at a friend's beautiful hacienda, composed of several impressive adobe houses and a garden they made bloom in the midst of the desert. The pool is surrounded with a hedge of roses. Two of Regan's friends came too. I did my best to chat with them and fit in with the group, but I'm not very good at it and I've been getting worse lately. We all went out for an early dinner where another of Regan's friends joined us. I felt very much in the way. I'm sure Regan would rather have been visiting with her friends who she hasn't seen in a while than with me. I tried my best to be cheery and make conversation during swimming but I just couldn't do it during dinner. The tears came on again. Luckily baby Cathy was being fussy. I was able to leave the table and walk around with her.

It's going to be really hard for me when the girls are grown. I can be their mom but I don't think I can be their friend. They'll figure me out. They'll realize I have nothing to offer anybody. They won't be interested in me. They'll leave.

Monday, July 21, 2003
Lovely day. Went to Dad's in the evening, had sausages with Dad and Don. Made a fruit cream tart in the medieval fashion.

Talked to Joe in the afternoon. He called and had time to talk. It was a wonderful talk, wonderful because it was long and about important things. I wish I was as beautiful as he is. He had been angry at me, he said, because I won't leave Don. I explained why: because I don't want the girls to come from a broken home. Because if I did they'd never see him at all. What about my happiness, he asked. Shouldn't I be modeling a good relationship for them? Don't I think they notice that things are not right between their father and me? Yes of course they notice. I wish I could give them the perfect home, a home with a loving father and mother, but there are things I can't model for them. They are going to have to forgive me for that. I cried a little. If he noticed, I hope he didn't mind.

Tuesday, July 22, 2003
Lovely day. SCA get together in the evening: pavilions, potluck, fighting and socializing. Most of us in garb. I wore a simple flowing black dress with a gold belt. I met a Spanish lady from Navarre and had a fun and interesting talk with her. Note to self: memorize the provinces and read some Spanish history, inc. Ornament of the World.

Afterward I went swimming at the Y. My purpose is to release endomorphins thru exercise, helping me to feel better and helping me cope with my strong feelings for Joe.

Friday, July 25, 2003
Joe finally told me the truth -- "I've misrepresented my position. . . been grasping at straws . . . don't necessarily think we're compatible."

I wept a few tears but pep talked myself out of feeling blue. I feel foolish for feeling so strongly for so long, especially because his bad points make him a very poor choice for a partner.

The truth is, he's right. We're not compatible. I never want to do him from behind with a strapped-on dildo. I don't want to engage in wife-swapping. I don't want to be part of a menage a trois. So you see, with me he'd always be unhappy. In addition he's a complainer, a pothead, a smoker, unhappy with his job and his life, and can't get along with his bosses. He has had many sexual partners and has two children by two women. He's mildly bipolar, is on meds for depression and describes himself as passive/aggressive.

So why did I love him? Because he's smart and funny. He smiled when I smiled and turned pink when he saw me. Because he's adventurous and knowledgeable and uses words of three and four syllables. Because he said when he first met me it took his breath away. Because he said he would have come and talked to me more but couldn't due to the strength of his feeling. I loved him because I sensed a deep similarity between the two of us; I felt that in our depths we were exactly the same, so much so that if I called him by thought he'd hear me.

It was a wonderful experience, being rejected. I'm filled with admiration that he had the courage. I'm amazed at the truth revealed -- that rejection is sometimes necessary. Sometimes it's the best thing for all concerned, the kindest thing that can be done. It is truthful, it is honest, it is authentic. It snapped me to my senses.

I went to a medieval party in the evening. These are wonderful and great practice for me becoming more social. Kendall came too. She bid on and won a purse and an embroidered cloth so she was pretty happy.

Weekend, July 26-27, 2003
On Saturday I went to the school district surplus sale with Maria and Raul. We all had a great time. I got some excellent books on the Middle Ages and a coin book for Don that he really likes. I also painted the west wall of the front room turquoise. It is a lovely color but I'm not happy with it. I think I'll try a golden yellow. On Sunday I ice-skated, sewed a bit of garb and had Maria over to see the wall. She really likes it. Rhiannon is at camp and Michaela is in Minnesota so Kendall is an only child. It's lots of fun having her.

I want what I can't have

I feel grumpy today because I want something I can't have. And like a spoiled child, I want to throw a tantrum. It's Joe I want. And of course I can't have him. I'm married.

I'm afraid of programming class

I got 22 out of 30, or 73 percent, on the calculus readiness exam which they consider good to go. I'm dropping it anyway in favor of Data Structures. Second class today. Am I sure I want to do this? I'm filled with fear about my ability to understand the material and complete the projects. It's how I felt all last semester. I'd sit on my bed looking at my programming assignment and wondering how on earth to do it. I always managed to figure it out, though, and I did end up with an A in the class, but the feeling was pretty overwhelming and I don't want to feel that way anymore. The events of the past two years have left my coping abilities at a very low level.

I wandered around Norlin Library after class today, marveling at all the information in the world and at how much there was to know. I feel hungry to know it all. At home, I walked dog, helped with homework and went to Dad's.

After work, I helped Michaela with homework, then went to Dad's and helped pay bills. We have a lot of filing and organizing to do. I'm considering taking half a day off on Friday so I can go work at Dad's.

We had a quiz in calculus today. It tested our knowledge of algebra and trig. Supposedly the test is a good indicator of how well we'll do in calculus. It's been what, 20 years since I had algebra? I had to flat-out guess on a third of the questions. I don't think my grade is going to be very high.

Attended Data Structures, which has calculus as a prereq even though it's not used. I
asked the instructor if I could skip calculus. He said it was required mainly as a measure of "mathematical maturity", but I did need logarithms. Several of the other students offered to help me with that part.

At home, the girls and I hung around doing homework, playing with the dog, and visiting with each other.

Olive Party

First calculus class today. It doesn't look too hard yet.

We had one of our olive parties this evening. This is how they work: I buy five each of several kinds of olives from the olive bar at Whole Foods. There are all kinds of olives at the olive bar — green, ripe, big, small, pitted, seed-in, stuffed, empty, plain, flavored, all from various places around the world. We eat them and compare notes. My favorite olive today was the small green pitted one flavored with rosemary.

Back to School

I can't believe summer is over. School starts in earnest tomorrow, for me as well as the girls. I'm taking calculus this semester.

I went up to the reservoir in the evening. There was a triathlon going on, and it was very crowded by the beach house. I parked in the main parking lot and walked along the beach to the marina, where it was very quiet. Someone had put a picnic table out on the sand. I sat on a picnic bench, looking out over the water and reflecting back on my sailing time here. I can be there again just by thinking about it.

• "Excuse me, guys, I'd like to point out that we are sailing off into the sunset." • "Shipmate!" • High-fiving with Mark • Raising the sails on the keel boats • Sitting on the foredeck while underway, jibsail above me • Sitting on the foredeck at the floating dock, talking to Joe and enjoying the sun • My Sunfish crashing through the water in high wind, water over the bow, spray in my face • Talking with Jayne while watching the storm go by • Smiles across the water • Lake and sky turned pure gold by the setting sun •

I still felt reflective when I got back home. Once everyone was in bed, I sat out on the porch in the light of the waxing moon. It was a little more than half full, bright white, cold and brilliant. Ice on fire.

A day at various parties

Went with the whole family, dog included, to a pig roast today at a friend of Don's in Allenspark. I didn't know a soul there except Bill and Nancy, and to tell you the truth, I had no desire to meet anyone. I hung out with Rhiannon. We played horseshoes, took the dog for a walk, and generally enjoyed the beautiful mountain scenery. I did meet someone right at the end, a guy named Bob who has an eyeball tattooed on the palm of his hand. Bob was in a very introspective mood (for the last five years, says Don). He told me about his world travels and the crazy people in Pakistan.

Today is my Dad's birthday. I made the birthday cake (from scratch, may I add). The girls and I went down to his place after the pig roast to join the festivities. Ramona, her kids, and her friend Sam were up from Albuquerque. Also in attendance: Ray and family, Rich and kids, Maria and kid, Tess and family. The place was rocking. Everyone was impressed with the cake which was more than it deserved. I had used all-purpose flour and regular sugar so the texture was very coarse; it was like chocolate bread. Dad gathered all the kids in the front room to play a mystery song for them: Shostakovich's "Happy Birthday". It's a variation on the traditional Happy Birthday song. Some of the kids could tell what it was, some of them already knew it.

Last sailing class

Last sailing class of the summer. Boo hoo! It was sunny and windless, but no matter, it's beautiful out there. We practiced reefing and dropping anchor, and I learned how to work the outboard motor. My crew and I made tentative plans to sail at Carter Lake in three weeks. My crew is Mark, Mike and I. I wonder if they think "my crew" when they think about the three of us the way I do.

We hung around talking after the lesson was over. After a while, Joe came walking up the path, having finished his duties as sailing master. "Want to talk for ten minutes?" I asked. I pulled my car up so it was facing the reservoir and we sat in it, talking, while the world got darker and darker and the moonlight shimmered on the lake. It was pretty neat. I had been lonely for him all summer. Then we went out for Chinese.

As we said our goodbyes, he hugged me. Or at least, he tried to, but I misinterpreted him and kissed him instead. A very sensuous kiss, he later told me. One of the most sensuous he's ever had.

I can't help it. I'm crazy for him.

Missed

I'm kicking myself and pounding my head against the wall because I just found out I missed a sailing make-up class Monday. I had thought it was cancelled; I should have called to verify. Turns out that a couple students and the instructor showed up, so they got to rig the boat out and get out on the water. Darn it, darn it, darn it. I wonder if Joe was there. Probably was; he's the sailing master and has to be there when the students are there. Not only did I miss a chance to go out on the water, but I missed a chance to see Joe.

Oh well. Kendall and I spent some time together. We had a fun little adventure taking the dog for a walk in a place we'd never been before.

Shopped for school clothes with Kendall, Michaela, and their friends Emily and Laura. It helped to have friends along because they reassured the girls that yes, that is a cute shirt and you should definitely get it. The girls don't listen to me about that kind of thing. What does Mom know about fashion?

I got to participate in a sailing workshop today. Our instructor wanted another student along to help crew, and I was lucky enough to be asked. I need all the learning time I can get. Today's adventures: As I was about to raise the mainsail, a stopper on the mast came loose and went overboard, letting most of the sail come sliding back off. For the record, our instructor was the last one to adjust the stopper. We couldn't use the jib at all because the previous sailors had let the shackle of the jib halyard go all the way up to the top of the mast.

Michaela's home. She had been with the Majors at their cabin in Steamboat for a week. She had a wonderful time. Jim is a great spiritual leader of his family. Every night they had a little ceremony. They formed a circle, then Jim went around to each child, touched their chest, head and shoulder and said "Love the LORD your God with all your heart, mind and strength." They said the Our Father, then he touched each child's forehead and said, "May the Lord Jesus bless you."

Family and household responsibility day. Laundry, cleaning, groceries, errands. Hoped to sail, but the wind was only 2-3 mph all day, so didn't bother. Five days to my last sailing lesson.

Sailed a Sunfish Friday after work. Light breeze and sunny. I am becoming more confident. I took Rhiannon, Kendall and Emily D. with me. They hung out on the beach, where the water level is so low it is hilarious. Later, watched "Remember the Titans." Rhiannon and I loved it.

Second class in intermediate Cal-20. Good day for sailing and good company. Got some time in on the water. Crunched the keel in the shallows, but luckily it's a swinging keel so we weren't in the kind of trouble we could have been in. The instructor failed to instruct us not to pass the warning buoy line.

Day Four - the Fourth Pearl

Today's a sad day because today we go back home.

Shari, Lindsey and two others stopped at Aunt Marg's on the way home from their morning ride and let me take a spin on one of the horses. I rode Flash, a two-year-old, around the loop of the drive. No big deal.

Ater they left, Dad, Aunt Marg and I breakfasted and visited. It was my turn to cut up the peaches for breakfast this morning. Then Dad and I were on our way. We popped up to Colville to buy a swimsuit I saw there yesterday. Decided I didn't like it, after all, but Dad bought raffle tickets for two guns, so he doesn't feel like the trip was wasted.

Then off to Spokane. We were due at the 12:00 mass at the Cathedral of Our Lady of Lourdes. We met Mike there. Then to Burger King for lunch, then to the airport, and home. My days of pearl, my diamond hours, have come to an end.

Day Three - the Third Pearl

Got up before anyone else and took a stroll around the farm. Aunt Margaret keeps only chickens now, and didn't do a garden this year. I picked a bunch of apricots from her tree. It's great to have all the apricots one can eat, especially such fresh, sweet ones.

Mike came up and we did more shooting. I shot a 9mm Smith and Wesson today. It's lighter than yesterday's 9mm Berretta, but still has a big kick. You can feel the shock waves in your body when it goes off. Also shot a 22 pistol. I think I'll get a BB pistol and do a lot of target practice when I get back.

Dad and I drove up the Columbia, exploring. It was so nice to be near the water. We started planning a canoe trip for next year. We'll start up north and take a couple days to canoe down, camping and exploring the countryside as we go.

Finally, went out to eat at Mi Casita with Dad, Aunt Margaret, Mike, Pete and Shari. It's a little hole-in-the-wall Mexican place -- not too fancy, food not too bad. Of course, no one does chicken enchiladas like Delfino's Terrace.

Day Two - the Second Pearl

The chickens wake up very very early around here and loudly crow.

Went up to see my cousin Pete and his wife Shari around lunchtime. They live above Aunt Margaret's farm in a log cabin that Pete built. Furnishings include a stuffed mountain lion and a bearskin, both of which he bagged himself. Pete and Shari told us all about the extraordinary healing powers of colloidal silver. They made a fresh glass of it for us. It tasted metallic and didn't make me feel especially powerful. Shouldn't it be like Popeye's spinach?

After a while, we heard the pop pop of gunshots, which meant that Mike had arrived with his 45's, so we went back down the mountain to join him. We spent an hour or so shooting pistols. I shot with a 9mm Beretta. Mike had us try combat shooting, which is simply shooting quickly at one's target w/o spending alot of time sighting. He'd yell, "Fire in the hole!" as a warning when he was about to shoot, so we did too. It was tons of fun. We'll practice more tomorrow with a 22. I need a smaller pistol anyway. The 9mm was a bit much for me, heavy with a big kick.

Later, Mike and Dad and I drove down the Columbia starting at Kettle Falls. We were looking for good beaches and a marina that rents sailboats. There are plenty of good quiet little marinas with boat ramp and gas, and beaches too, but no place to rent a sailboat though we saw about eight moored at Rickey Point. We called it Pirate's Cove.

We made it down to Gifford's Ferry, but didn't cross as we didn't want to be too late for dinner. To me, though, it counts as a Gifford's Ferry trip. It felt good. We stopped at an orchard or two and bought peaches and apricots. We've had all the apricots we could possible want, from the orchards and from Aunt Marg's tree.

Day One - The First Pearl

Today was a gem. Dad and Mike picked me up from the Spokane airport. We stopped to say a prayer at the Cathedral of Our Lady of Lourdes, a place that my mother loved. A parisioner gave us a personal tour of the place. The stained glass windows are beautiful, made in Germany using a lost technology. They seem to glow.

My cousin Mike and I are like brother and sister, which is to say we argue. As we were driving up the interstate I was beginning to wish I hadn't come at all. Then we got to the farm and everything was all right. It is so peaceful there. Aunt Marg made us some iced tea. I reclined on the couch while Dad played the piano. It was a perfect moment and I told Aunt Marg so. Just then, Dad stopped playing, and Aunt Marg said, "They go by so quickly."

Later, Dad and I went up to the marina in Kettle Falls to see if there was any sailing. They rent houseboats there, but not sailboats. The houseboat guy let us spend about half an hour hanging about on one of the docked ones. We went up on top and looked out over Lake Roosevelt. A family was taking a houseboat out. It was nerve-wracking to watch as they tried to maneuver, but they did manage to get out of the harbor without smashing into anything.

A busy day today. First our Saturday morning chores. Then off to the reservoir, where the girls swam and I sailed. It took a lot of dragging to get my Sunfish out of the mud and into deeper water where she could be launched. The wind and sun were very nice today. After that, to Dad's, where we picked bunches of tomatoes and cucumbers from his garden. He's up in Chewelah, and I go tomorrow!

For me, it's like going to heaven, because of the way I feel about the place and the people there. Each day will be like a pearl, each hour like a diamond.