Sunday, August 3, 2003.
I painted the west wall again. I don't like it again. It's a bright spring green. I like it much more than the turquoise I had before, but I think this green may be too intense.
Wednesday, August 6, 2003.
I'm having a wonderful time hanging around the house. I wish I could be home with the kids during the summer. Maria came over for a bit of dinner and to see my new wall. She agrees that it is too bright. I need to tone it down a bit. I've chosen bad colors twice now and am not confident in my ability to choose a good color the third time. I'll have Maria choose. Something like celery.I'm going to have to redo it again.
Thursday, August 7, 2003.
It's 4:50a.m. I've been up since 3:00 a.m. and I slept only fitfully before that. I was waiting for Kendall to get home. She was supposed to be in at midnight. She came in at 3:00. She says she WAS home at midnight but sat out in the car with Graham talking. Hmmmmm. Well, I'm going to have to ground her. I can't keep late nights like these.
I'm feeling dreary again. My life sucks. It has no point. It's bleak and dreary. I need help. I need purpose. I need social interaction. The girls all have better lives than me. Why shouldn't they? They've got friends which I don't have and no responsibilities which I do have. I've given up everything so I could raise them. Has it been worth it? It's been wonderful, no doubt about that. But when it's all over I'll be left with nothing. They will leave to find their own way.
It's me that's the problem. There's nothing there when one looks at me. No sense of self. No personality. No person. I'm Eleanor Rigby. I'm going to die alone in my room.
It doesn't help that my marriage is in such a shambles. It's because of Don that my future looks bleak. But I've got some ideas about that. I could, for example, just get over it that Don is an addict who can't support us or even contribute anything. Accept the fact that my husband is an overgrown teenager and always will be. The resentment has been gnawing away at me for four years. Maybe I should just let it go. After all, there is a lot that is good about the way things are. I have more power, for one. So what if I have a spouse with whom I don't want to retire, a spouse who bores me, a spouse I can't talk to? Things could be worse.
I am so glad that Joe is out of the picture. I am recovering quite nicely. Boy, I sure had it bad. I used to think about him all the time. He was always there behind every thought. Now he's fading away. He had many good qualities, which is why I liked him, and I was willing to overlook his bad points. Pothead. Swinging lifestyle. Complainer. Unhappy with job but won't work for what he really wants. Passive/aggressive. On meds for depression. Children from other relationships. I remind myself that if we were a couple I'd have to engage in sodomy. That thought removes any regret from my mind.
Just spent hours working on a T-tunic the Period Way (visit web site). I used a lovely sage green rayon. Nice drape, soft to touch. There wasn't enough material to make the skirt as full as it ought to be but it looks pretty good. Sadly, I can't get the darn thing on. It's too tight to go over my shoulders. Here I thought I was doing so well. I may be able to save the dress by opening the sides seams and adding lace-ups. Maybe. My failures at sewing are why I continue to shop at eBay and the Salvation Army. Also finished The DaVinci Code tonight. It ends like the Mists of Avalon ends -- the sacred feminine lives!
Friday, August 8, 2003.
Watched CowBoy Bebop: The Movie. Quote: "I wanted to get out of this world of dreams. I kept searching for the door that would lead me out. Now I understand there never was a door."
I feel that way too. I'm trapped in this life, in this dimension, in this three-dimensional space where there is nothing for me. Bleak past. Bleak future. Small and timid, unimportant, invisible, my moments like sand slipping through my fingers.
And Electra says, "Of all the days I've lived, only the time I spent with you seemed real."
On a more practical note, I opened up the sides of the green tunic. Now it works. I'll add lace-ups there. I began work on a white brocade tunic for Michaela. I went to the old house with Dad and helped clean up. He wants to open it for renting by September.
Saturday, August 9, 2003.
Went down to Cave of the Winds in Manitou Springs with Don, Kendall and Michaela. We took the Lantern Tour in which one walks around with only a lantern for light. It was a bit tough for me as I'm a little claustrophobic. It's good for me to do things that are hard so I resisted the impulse to run screaming back to the surface. Everything went well until the guide had us blow out our lanterns and walk around in the dark. I became fairly upset. I didn't scream or anything, thank god, but I did get panicky. I'd like to do the tour again and redeem myself.
I realized something. Advice givers say, "To have a friend, be a friend." But the truth is, people don't like you because you like them. They like you because you are utterly yourself. The more self-confidence you have, the stronger your sense of self, the less you need other people, the more personal respect you have for yourself, then the more others like you. The less you care about their feelings for you, the more they like you. People don't like desperate, needy, lonely people. They like people who are complete and happy and have something to give.
Sunday, August 10, 2003.
I do a lot of ripping out seams and doing things over when I do garb sewing. I learning something new every time. In spite of it all, Michaela's tunic is quite beautifully. I'm proud of it. And of my sage green tunic. I'm planning a beautiful black one with beaded trim and a beaded underdress to wear for Crown Tournament. I'm excited to get to work on it.
Friday, August 15, 2003.
I had a wonderful visit with Lorraine. She's been in town for two weeks and has been busy busy busy visiting friends. I confess I haven't tried very hard to see her. The day before she left we met up at Mike's and were able to visit in person. She answered a question I'd had without me even asking it. She said she needed counseling because she was very unhappy with the way her life had turned out. I had been wondering how she felt about her life because her's has been similar to mine only the bad parts have been worse. She's been through a divorce, she's had to move away from Boulder and Kevin's in jail. It's Mike's fault. It's Mike's fault she left and it's Mike's fault that Kevin hasn't been turned around.
It's really neat knowing someone as long as I've known Lorraine. We've had our babies together and seen them grow up.
Saturday, August 16, 2003.
A nice day, but I didn't get done the things I wanted to get done. Instead, we all, Don included, went to the old house to help clean up and move furniture. That took several hours, after which we were all too tired for our own chores. Rhiannon wanted to treat us to jalapeno poppers at BJ's on Pearl Street so the girls and I went then walked on Pearl and bought ice cream. It was a nice change.
Sunday, August 17, 2003.
Sailed today, probably for the last time ever. Three years ago I wanted to become a sailor. For three summers I took lessons and went out sailing on the Sunfish and the keelboats. Now that I've tried it I've changed my mind. I don't like having no control over the power source. You never know if you'll have too much wind or not enough.
I hadn't sailed this summer up until today because whenever I wanted to go the air was still. This morning I awoke to the sound of wind in the branches so off to the reservoir I went. It turned out to be a little more than I could handle. I also forgot almost everything I ever knew. I couldn't get the boat out of irons once she got in. After a long, pathetic and losing struggle to get the boat under control, I found myself blown back to where the canoes are moored. I hopped out, wrapped up the sail and tied the boat to the floating dock. Thank goodness no one I know was there to see me.
I've discovered that sailing is not that exciting except when the wind is trying to knock you over. Yes, it's beautiful out there. Yes, there's a certain romance to it all. It's not a very active sport, though, and after sitting all day I'd rather do something that gets my body moving.
Went to Dad's in the afternoon. Maria is very unhappy that she won't be able to purchase the old house.
Made K and M weed for half an hour. Don thought it was a waste of time. He favors letting the place go wild. We didn't weed at all the entire summer but now the dead stuff needs to be removed. In my opinion.
Tuesday, August 19, 2003.
Sometimes I think my life sticks and my future is bleak. Sometimes I'm happy and feel filled to overflowing with contentment. I felt both ways tonight.
Thursday and Friday, August 20 and 21, 2003.
First day of school for Michaela and Kendall. Neither is happy about it. When I dropped Michaela off she said, "There's Amber. God, I hate her." It was very funny. Kendall is worried that classes may be too difficult, especially Latin. Friday evening was a Caer Galen revel. I had a wonderful time. I wore my blue tunic embroidered all over with white birds and flowers. I talked with several people including a new family with teens. Tonight's project was painting our blazon on small wooden shields. I brought home an extra and Michaela painted hers.
Saturday, August 23, 2003.
Busy busy busy. A very productive day. A happy day, too.
Sunday, August 24, 2003.
Rhiannon and Michaela helped set up the tents Dad gave us. We have two tents now - our own encampment! I made cupcakes for Pat's birthday. People tend to overlook her because she's quiet, like me. In the evening I went to Broomfield to celebrate Dad's birthday. A nice gathering as usual.
Monday, August 25, 2003.
Joe called. Thank goodness I was out. He left a message, "I just wanted you to know I don't hate you because you're a Republican." So, am I supposed to call back to find out why he does hate me? I could tell him why I hate him -- because he's a liar and a slimeball. I've been a complete idiot about him but don't intend to be so any longer.
First day of drawing class at Front Range. I'm excited about this but can I really fit something else in? I'm got family, work, mythology group, ice skating and SCA.
Thursday, August 28, 2003.
It happened again today, that sense of being trapped in eternity, smothered by the passage of time. I was thinking of the heroine of Ursula K. LeGuin's Always Coming Home. Her father and mother were of two incompatible cultures. Her father sent a message to her mother as his civilization was collapsing. "Tell your mother . . . " What was it?
LeGuin's stuff always moves me deeply. She often writes of the exile.
"Is integrity a realistic idea in the real world? I believe it is the only thing that will endure. Anything less is simply attempting to build a society, or a city, or a life on a foundation of illusion" from an Amazon.com review of her book City of Illusions.
This evening I made a tunic for Zack who is coming with us this weekend. Also finished Michaela's white tunic and worked a bit on my sage green one. And bought a few more camping items at WalMart.
Friday, August 29, 2003.
It was "Tell your mother not to wait, not to wait for me."
We had planned to leave today for the Heroes and Legends SCA event but rain prevented us. Rhiannon, Zack and I went to see Pirates of the Caribbean instead. Michaela was going to come but she got left behind by mistake -- her own. She thought we were leaving to walk the dog instead of leaving for the movie. The movie was quite enjoyable and showed Orlando Bloom to be a handsome heartthrob. He's worth the price of admission.
Saturday, August 30, 2003.
Heroes and Legends! Tons of fun. We brought Zack Seaman and our dog with us. Got into camp about 12:30, pitched out tents, put on our garb, went to watch the fighters. It was a bit of a chilly day with rain in the evening. My sleeping bag alone of all the bags got wet.
Sunday, August 31, 2003.
Much nicer today with enough sun to dry the wet things. Walked around looking at things and talking to people. Put on mundane clothing and went for a hike. Mortality settled over me again, suffocating. It was a difficult day. Took the kids into town for ice cream in the evening. Later went to Bardic Circle with Rhiannon. We stayed from beginning to end, 3.5 hours. It was wonderful. Bardic makes it all worthwhile.
Friday, August 01, 2003
Tuesday, July 01, 2003
July 2001
Tuesday, July 8, 2003
I couldn't go to work today; I was crying too much. I cried for a while in the parking lot, then decided I'd better take the day off. I didn't go home; I went to the library where I used the Internet to e-mail in sick. Now I'm sitting by the window, looking at the creek, reading and writing. I'm much better at the moment. Not crying, anyway.
I was crying because I can't overcome the faults that keep me from true happiness; because I love Joe and he doesn't love me, because I'll never be able to build the close spiritually-centered family I wanted, because I'm small and insignificant and don't matter to anybody, because I want so much for things to matter but nothing does, because life with Don is a struggle, because no one is strong enough to listen to me.
What I want is to be loved. I want is a small circle of people who love me. But I can't get it. I don't have the ability to get it.
I'm going crazy. Life means nothing. I'm going crazy because I do not speak the truth. I'm going crazy because I have to bear things alone.
Wednesday, July 9, 2003
I'm still going mad. There's nothing to live for anymore. I can't start a new relationship with anyone because it would just be a repeat of my marriage with Don -- criticism, despising me, refusal to be counted upon.
Here's a quote from The Hours: (speaking of an old hotel, which used to be nice because in days past . . .) "hopes were nutured here, that upon entering the lobby people were expected to feel as if they were moving in an orderly fashion into a future that held something worth having."
I wish I had a future like that -- one worth having. I don't see it from here. The future contains nothing worth having, only my father's death, Joe's death, my death.
I cannot keep the darkness away. I cannot be strong any longer.
No. I refuse to descend into madness. I won't go down that way. Somehow I must find hope. Somehow I must find love. I need a teacher. I need community. I ask the universe, I ask the infinite, for the things I need.
Thursday, July 10, 2003
Today was a pretty good day. I did get a little weepy but was able to overcome it. I was happy mostly. I talked to Lorraine and my sister Regan on the phone. I am happiest when I have talked to people. Talked to my dad, too, about the Chewelah trip. I don't want to go this year. I want Don to go and take the kids so I can be alone for a week. I never talk to Don anymore. There's nothing to say to him. Joe didn't call. He said he would but he didn't. It's the same as always. He doesn't need to talk to me, doesn't need to hear my voice, doesn't want to get involved. Charity, you need to move on.
Weekend, July 11-13, 2003
I took Friday off and drove down to Albuquerque with Kendall to pick up Michaela. It's a very long drive but was pleasant to spend the time with Kendall.
Michaela spent the week down in Albuquerque with her cousins, the oldest of whom is 10. Even though she's a lot older, she loves playing with them. I think she really likes being the older sister for a change. At home she's the youngest. All her life her sisters have been bigger and smarter and more capable than she. Down in Albuquerque she gets to be the biggest and smartest. She spent the night over at one of Rosalie's friends, whose mom later told me she was worshipped like a goddess by the younger girls.
I've been thinking of placing more trust in Divine Love that things will all work out, but am unsure if that makes any sense. 1) Is there such a thing as Divine Love and 2) Can one trust it to do what's best? After all, I turned from faith because of what Divine Love has done to me. It gave me Don, who has insulted me and hurt me and stopped supporting the family and whose eyes glaze over when I talk. Why should I go back to trusting Divine Love? Who holds God accountable?
Saturday was a nice day. Regan took us swimming at a friend's beautiful hacienda, composed of several impressive adobe houses and a garden they made bloom in the midst of the desert. The pool is surrounded with a hedge of roses. Two of Regan's friends came too. I did my best to chat with them and fit in with the group, but I'm not very good at it and I've been getting worse lately. We all went out for an early dinner where another of Regan's friends joined us. I felt very much in the way. I'm sure Regan would rather have been visiting with her friends who she hasn't seen in a while than with me. I tried my best to be cheery and make conversation during swimming but I just couldn't do it during dinner. The tears came on again. Luckily baby Cathy was being fussy. I was able to leave the table and walk around with her.
It's going to be really hard for me when the girls are grown. I can be their mom but I don't think I can be their friend. They'll figure me out. They'll realize I have nothing to offer anybody. They won't be interested in me. They'll leave.
Monday, July 21, 2003
Lovely day. Went to Dad's in the evening, had sausages with Dad and Don. Made a fruit cream tart in the medieval fashion.
Talked to Joe in the afternoon. He called and had time to talk. It was a wonderful talk, wonderful because it was long and about important things. I wish I was as beautiful as he is. He had been angry at me, he said, because I won't leave Don. I explained why: because I don't want the girls to come from a broken home. Because if I did they'd never see him at all. What about my happiness, he asked. Shouldn't I be modeling a good relationship for them? Don't I think they notice that things are not right between their father and me? Yes of course they notice. I wish I could give them the perfect home, a home with a loving father and mother, but there are things I can't model for them. They are going to have to forgive me for that. I cried a little. If he noticed, I hope he didn't mind.
Tuesday, July 22, 2003
Lovely day. SCA get together in the evening: pavilions, potluck, fighting and socializing. Most of us in garb. I wore a simple flowing black dress with a gold belt. I met a Spanish lady from Navarre and had a fun and interesting talk with her. Note to self: memorize the provinces and read some Spanish history, inc. Ornament of the World.
Afterward I went swimming at the Y. My purpose is to release endomorphins thru exercise, helping me to feel better and helping me cope with my strong feelings for Joe.
Friday, July 25, 2003
Joe finally told me the truth -- "I've misrepresented my position. . . been grasping at straws . . . don't necessarily think we're compatible."
I wept a few tears but pep talked myself out of feeling blue. I feel foolish for feeling so strongly for so long, especially because his bad points make him a very poor choice for a partner.
The truth is, he's right. We're not compatible. I never want to do him from behind with a strapped-on dildo. I don't want to engage in wife-swapping. I don't want to be part of a menage a trois. So you see, with me he'd always be unhappy. In addition he's a complainer, a pothead, a smoker, unhappy with his job and his life, and can't get along with his bosses. He has had many sexual partners and has two children by two women. He's mildly bipolar, is on meds for depression and describes himself as passive/aggressive.
So why did I love him? Because he's smart and funny. He smiled when I smiled and turned pink when he saw me. Because he's adventurous and knowledgeable and uses words of three and four syllables. Because he said when he first met me it took his breath away. Because he said he would have come and talked to me more but couldn't due to the strength of his feeling. I loved him because I sensed a deep similarity between the two of us; I felt that in our depths we were exactly the same, so much so that if I called him by thought he'd hear me.
It was a wonderful experience, being rejected. I'm filled with admiration that he had the courage. I'm amazed at the truth revealed -- that rejection is sometimes necessary. Sometimes it's the best thing for all concerned, the kindest thing that can be done. It is truthful, it is honest, it is authentic. It snapped me to my senses.
I went to a medieval party in the evening. These are wonderful and great practice for me becoming more social. Kendall came too. She bid on and won a purse and an embroidered cloth so she was pretty happy.
Weekend, July 26-27, 2003
On Saturday I went to the school district surplus sale with Maria and Raul. We all had a great time. I got some excellent books on the Middle Ages and a coin book for Don that he really likes. I also painted the west wall of the front room turquoise. It is a lovely color but I'm not happy with it. I think I'll try a golden yellow. On Sunday I ice-skated, sewed a bit of garb and had Maria over to see the wall. She really likes it. Rhiannon is at camp and Michaela is in Minnesota so Kendall is an only child. It's lots of fun having her.
I couldn't go to work today; I was crying too much. I cried for a while in the parking lot, then decided I'd better take the day off. I didn't go home; I went to the library where I used the Internet to e-mail in sick. Now I'm sitting by the window, looking at the creek, reading and writing. I'm much better at the moment. Not crying, anyway.
I was crying because I can't overcome the faults that keep me from true happiness; because I love Joe and he doesn't love me, because I'll never be able to build the close spiritually-centered family I wanted, because I'm small and insignificant and don't matter to anybody, because I want so much for things to matter but nothing does, because life with Don is a struggle, because no one is strong enough to listen to me.
What I want is to be loved. I want is a small circle of people who love me. But I can't get it. I don't have the ability to get it.
I'm going crazy. Life means nothing. I'm going crazy because I do not speak the truth. I'm going crazy because I have to bear things alone.
Wednesday, July 9, 2003
I'm still going mad. There's nothing to live for anymore. I can't start a new relationship with anyone because it would just be a repeat of my marriage with Don -- criticism, despising me, refusal to be counted upon.
Here's a quote from The Hours: (speaking of an old hotel, which used to be nice because in days past . . .) "hopes were nutured here, that upon entering the lobby people were expected to feel as if they were moving in an orderly fashion into a future that held something worth having."
I wish I had a future like that -- one worth having. I don't see it from here. The future contains nothing worth having, only my father's death, Joe's death, my death.
I cannot keep the darkness away. I cannot be strong any longer.
No. I refuse to descend into madness. I won't go down that way. Somehow I must find hope. Somehow I must find love. I need a teacher. I need community. I ask the universe, I ask the infinite, for the things I need.
Thursday, July 10, 2003
Today was a pretty good day. I did get a little weepy but was able to overcome it. I was happy mostly. I talked to Lorraine and my sister Regan on the phone. I am happiest when I have talked to people. Talked to my dad, too, about the Chewelah trip. I don't want to go this year. I want Don to go and take the kids so I can be alone for a week. I never talk to Don anymore. There's nothing to say to him. Joe didn't call. He said he would but he didn't. It's the same as always. He doesn't need to talk to me, doesn't need to hear my voice, doesn't want to get involved. Charity, you need to move on.
Weekend, July 11-13, 2003
I took Friday off and drove down to Albuquerque with Kendall to pick up Michaela. It's a very long drive but was pleasant to spend the time with Kendall.
Michaela spent the week down in Albuquerque with her cousins, the oldest of whom is 10. Even though she's a lot older, she loves playing with them. I think she really likes being the older sister for a change. At home she's the youngest. All her life her sisters have been bigger and smarter and more capable than she. Down in Albuquerque she gets to be the biggest and smartest. She spent the night over at one of Rosalie's friends, whose mom later told me she was worshipped like a goddess by the younger girls.
I've been thinking of placing more trust in Divine Love that things will all work out, but am unsure if that makes any sense. 1) Is there such a thing as Divine Love and 2) Can one trust it to do what's best? After all, I turned from faith because of what Divine Love has done to me. It gave me Don, who has insulted me and hurt me and stopped supporting the family and whose eyes glaze over when I talk. Why should I go back to trusting Divine Love? Who holds God accountable?
Saturday was a nice day. Regan took us swimming at a friend's beautiful hacienda, composed of several impressive adobe houses and a garden they made bloom in the midst of the desert. The pool is surrounded with a hedge of roses. Two of Regan's friends came too. I did my best to chat with them and fit in with the group, but I'm not very good at it and I've been getting worse lately. We all went out for an early dinner where another of Regan's friends joined us. I felt very much in the way. I'm sure Regan would rather have been visiting with her friends who she hasn't seen in a while than with me. I tried my best to be cheery and make conversation during swimming but I just couldn't do it during dinner. The tears came on again. Luckily baby Cathy was being fussy. I was able to leave the table and walk around with her.
It's going to be really hard for me when the girls are grown. I can be their mom but I don't think I can be their friend. They'll figure me out. They'll realize I have nothing to offer anybody. They won't be interested in me. They'll leave.
Monday, July 21, 2003
Lovely day. Went to Dad's in the evening, had sausages with Dad and Don. Made a fruit cream tart in the medieval fashion.
Talked to Joe in the afternoon. He called and had time to talk. It was a wonderful talk, wonderful because it was long and about important things. I wish I was as beautiful as he is. He had been angry at me, he said, because I won't leave Don. I explained why: because I don't want the girls to come from a broken home. Because if I did they'd never see him at all. What about my happiness, he asked. Shouldn't I be modeling a good relationship for them? Don't I think they notice that things are not right between their father and me? Yes of course they notice. I wish I could give them the perfect home, a home with a loving father and mother, but there are things I can't model for them. They are going to have to forgive me for that. I cried a little. If he noticed, I hope he didn't mind.
Tuesday, July 22, 2003
Lovely day. SCA get together in the evening: pavilions, potluck, fighting and socializing. Most of us in garb. I wore a simple flowing black dress with a gold belt. I met a Spanish lady from Navarre and had a fun and interesting talk with her. Note to self: memorize the provinces and read some Spanish history, inc. Ornament of the World.
Afterward I went swimming at the Y. My purpose is to release endomorphins thru exercise, helping me to feel better and helping me cope with my strong feelings for Joe.
Friday, July 25, 2003
Joe finally told me the truth -- "I've misrepresented my position. . . been grasping at straws . . . don't necessarily think we're compatible."
I wept a few tears but pep talked myself out of feeling blue. I feel foolish for feeling so strongly for so long, especially because his bad points make him a very poor choice for a partner.
The truth is, he's right. We're not compatible. I never want to do him from behind with a strapped-on dildo. I don't want to engage in wife-swapping. I don't want to be part of a menage a trois. So you see, with me he'd always be unhappy. In addition he's a complainer, a pothead, a smoker, unhappy with his job and his life, and can't get along with his bosses. He has had many sexual partners and has two children by two women. He's mildly bipolar, is on meds for depression and describes himself as passive/aggressive.
So why did I love him? Because he's smart and funny. He smiled when I smiled and turned pink when he saw me. Because he's adventurous and knowledgeable and uses words of three and four syllables. Because he said when he first met me it took his breath away. Because he said he would have come and talked to me more but couldn't due to the strength of his feeling. I loved him because I sensed a deep similarity between the two of us; I felt that in our depths we were exactly the same, so much so that if I called him by thought he'd hear me.
It was a wonderful experience, being rejected. I'm filled with admiration that he had the courage. I'm amazed at the truth revealed -- that rejection is sometimes necessary. Sometimes it's the best thing for all concerned, the kindest thing that can be done. It is truthful, it is honest, it is authentic. It snapped me to my senses.
I went to a medieval party in the evening. These are wonderful and great practice for me becoming more social. Kendall came too. She bid on and won a purse and an embroidered cloth so she was pretty happy.
Weekend, July 26-27, 2003
On Saturday I went to the school district surplus sale with Maria and Raul. We all had a great time. I got some excellent books on the Middle Ages and a coin book for Don that he really likes. I also painted the west wall of the front room turquoise. It is a lovely color but I'm not happy with it. I think I'll try a golden yellow. On Sunday I ice-skated, sewed a bit of garb and had Maria over to see the wall. She really likes it. Rhiannon is at camp and Michaela is in Minnesota so Kendall is an only child. It's lots of fun having her.
Friday, August 31, 2001
I want what I can't have
I feel grumpy today because I want something I can't have. And like a spoiled child, I want to throw a tantrum. It's Joe I want. And of course I can't have him. I'm married.
Thursday, August 30, 2001
I'm afraid of programming class
I got 22 out of 30, or 73 percent, on the calculus readiness exam which they consider good to go. I'm dropping it anyway in favor of Data Structures. Second class today. Am I sure I want to do this? I'm filled with fear about my ability to understand the material and complete the projects. It's how I felt all last semester. I'd sit on my bed looking at my programming assignment and wondering how on earth to do it. I always managed to figure it out, though, and I did end up with an A in the class, but the feeling was pretty overwhelming and I don't want to feel that way anymore. The events of the past two years have left my coping abilities at a very low level.
I wandered around Norlin Library after class today, marveling at all the information in the world and at how much there was to know. I feel hungry to know it all. At home, I walked dog, helped with homework and went to Dad's.
I wandered around Norlin Library after class today, marveling at all the information in the world and at how much there was to know. I feel hungry to know it all. At home, I walked dog, helped with homework and went to Dad's.
Wednesday, August 29, 2001
Tuesday, August 28, 2001
We had a quiz in calculus today. It tested our knowledge of algebra and trig. Supposedly the test is a good indicator of how well we'll do in calculus. It's been what, 20 years since I had algebra? I had to flat-out guess on a third of the questions. I don't think my grade is going to be very high.
Attended Data Structures, which has calculus as a prereq even though it's not used. I
asked the instructor if I could skip calculus. He said it was required mainly as a measure of "mathematical maturity", but I did need logarithms. Several of the other students offered to help me with that part.
At home, the girls and I hung around doing homework, playing with the dog, and visiting with each other.
Attended Data Structures, which has calculus as a prereq even though it's not used. I
asked the instructor if I could skip calculus. He said it was required mainly as a measure of "mathematical maturity", but I did need logarithms. Several of the other students offered to help me with that part.
At home, the girls and I hung around doing homework, playing with the dog, and visiting with each other.
Monday, August 27, 2001
Olive Party
First calculus class today. It doesn't look too hard yet.
We had one of our olive parties this evening. This is how they work: I buy five each of several kinds of olives from the olive bar at Whole Foods. There are all kinds of olives at the olive bar — green, ripe, big, small, pitted, seed-in, stuffed, empty, plain, flavored, all from various places around the world. We eat them and compare notes. My favorite olive today was the small green pitted one flavored with rosemary.
We had one of our olive parties this evening. This is how they work: I buy five each of several kinds of olives from the olive bar at Whole Foods. There are all kinds of olives at the olive bar — green, ripe, big, small, pitted, seed-in, stuffed, empty, plain, flavored, all from various places around the world. We eat them and compare notes. My favorite olive today was the small green pitted one flavored with rosemary.
Sunday, August 26, 2001
Back to School
I can't believe summer is over. School starts in earnest tomorrow, for me as well as the girls. I'm taking calculus this semester.
I went up to the reservoir in the evening. There was a triathlon going on, and it was very crowded by the beach house. I parked in the main parking lot and walked along the beach to the marina, where it was very quiet. Someone had put a picnic table out on the sand. I sat on a picnic bench, looking out over the water and reflecting back on my sailing time here. I can be there again just by thinking about it.
I went up to the reservoir in the evening. There was a triathlon going on, and it was very crowded by the beach house. I parked in the main parking lot and walked along the beach to the marina, where it was very quiet. Someone had put a picnic table out on the sand. I sat on a picnic bench, looking out over the water and reflecting back on my sailing time here. I can be there again just by thinking about it.
• "Excuse me, guys, I'd like to point out that we are sailing off into the sunset." • "Shipmate!" • High-fiving with Mark • Raising the sails on the keel boats • Sitting on the foredeck while underway, jibsail above me • Sitting on the foredeck at the floating dock, talking to Joe and enjoying the sun • My Sunfish crashing through the water in high wind, water over the bow, spray in my face • Talking with Jayne while watching the storm go by • Smiles across the water • Lake and sky turned pure gold by the setting sun •I still felt reflective when I got back home. Once everyone was in bed, I sat out on the porch in the light of the waxing moon. It was a little more than half full, bright white, cold and brilliant. Ice on fire.
Saturday, August 25, 2001
A day at various parties
Went with the whole family, dog included, to a pig roast today at a friend of Don's in Allenspark. I didn't know a soul there except Bill and Nancy, and to tell you the truth, I had no desire to meet anyone. I hung out with Rhiannon. We played horseshoes, took the dog for a walk, and generally enjoyed the beautiful mountain scenery. I did meet someone right at the end, a guy named Bob who has an eyeball tattooed on the palm of his hand. Bob was in a very introspective mood (for the last five years, says Don). He told me about his world travels and the crazy people in Pakistan.
Today is my Dad's birthday. I made the birthday cake (from scratch, may I add). The girls and I went down to his place after the pig roast to join the festivities. Ramona, her kids, and her friend Sam were up from Albuquerque. Also in attendance: Ray and family, Rich and kids, Maria and kid, Tess and family. The place was rocking. Everyone was impressed with the cake which was more than it deserved. I had used all-purpose flour and regular sugar so the texture was very coarse; it was like chocolate bread. Dad gathered all the kids in the front room to play a mystery song for them: Shostakovich's "Happy Birthday". It's a variation on the traditional Happy Birthday song. Some of the kids could tell what it was, some of them already knew it.
Today is my Dad's birthday. I made the birthday cake (from scratch, may I add). The girls and I went down to his place after the pig roast to join the festivities. Ramona, her kids, and her friend Sam were up from Albuquerque. Also in attendance: Ray and family, Rich and kids, Maria and kid, Tess and family. The place was rocking. Everyone was impressed with the cake which was more than it deserved. I had used all-purpose flour and regular sugar so the texture was very coarse; it was like chocolate bread. Dad gathered all the kids in the front room to play a mystery song for them: Shostakovich's "Happy Birthday". It's a variation on the traditional Happy Birthday song. Some of the kids could tell what it was, some of them already knew it.
Thursday, August 23, 2001
Last sailing class
Last sailing class of the summer. Boo hoo! It was sunny and windless, but no matter, it's beautiful out there. We practiced reefing and dropping anchor, and I learned how to work the outboard motor. My crew and I made tentative plans to sail at Carter Lake in three weeks. My crew is Mark, Mike and I. I wonder if they think "my crew" when they think about the three of us the way I do.
We hung around talking after the lesson was over. After a while, Joe came walking up the path, having finished his duties as sailing master. "Want to talk for ten minutes?" I asked. I pulled my car up so it was facing the reservoir and we sat in it, talking, while the world got darker and darker and the moonlight shimmered on the lake. It was pretty neat. I had been lonely for him all summer. Then we went out for Chinese.
As we said our goodbyes, he hugged me. Or at least, he tried to, but I misinterpreted him and kissed him instead. A very sensuous kiss, he later told me. One of the most sensuous he's ever had.
I can't help it. I'm crazy for him.
We hung around talking after the lesson was over. After a while, Joe came walking up the path, having finished his duties as sailing master. "Want to talk for ten minutes?" I asked. I pulled my car up so it was facing the reservoir and we sat in it, talking, while the world got darker and darker and the moonlight shimmered on the lake. It was pretty neat. I had been lonely for him all summer. Then we went out for Chinese.
As we said our goodbyes, he hugged me. Or at least, he tried to, but I misinterpreted him and kissed him instead. A very sensuous kiss, he later told me. One of the most sensuous he's ever had.
I can't help it. I'm crazy for him.
Wednesday, August 22, 2001
Missed
I'm kicking myself and pounding my head against the wall because I just found out I missed a sailing make-up class Monday. I had thought it was cancelled; I should have called to verify. Turns out that a couple students and the instructor showed up, so they got to rig the boat out and get out on the water. Darn it, darn it, darn it. I wonder if Joe was there. Probably was; he's the sailing master and has to be there when the students are there. Not only did I miss a chance to go out on the water, but I missed a chance to see Joe.
Oh well. Kendall and I spent some time together. We had a fun little adventure taking the dog for a walk in a place we'd never been before.
Oh well. Kendall and I spent some time together. We had a fun little adventure taking the dog for a walk in a place we'd never been before.
Tuesday, August 21, 2001
Shopped for school clothes with Kendall, Michaela, and their friends Emily and Laura. It helped to have friends along because they reassured the girls that yes, that is a cute shirt and you should definitely get it. The girls don't listen to me about that kind of thing. What does Mom know about fashion?
Sunday, August 19, 2001
I got to participate in a sailing workshop today. Our instructor wanted another student along to help crew, and I was lucky enough to be asked. I need all the learning time I can get. Today's adventures: As I was about to raise the mainsail, a stopper on the mast came loose and went overboard, letting most of the sail come sliding back off. For the record, our instructor was the last one to adjust the stopper. We couldn't use the jib at all because the previous sailors had let the shackle of the jib halyard go all the way up to the top of the mast.
Michaela's home. She had been with the Majors at their cabin in Steamboat for a week. She had a wonderful time. Jim is a great spiritual leader of his family. Every night they had a little ceremony. They formed a circle, then Jim went around to each child, touched their chest, head and shoulder and said "Love the LORD your God with all your heart, mind and strength." They said the Our Father, then he touched each child's forehead and said, "May the Lord Jesus bless you."
Michaela's home. She had been with the Majors at their cabin in Steamboat for a week. She had a wonderful time. Jim is a great spiritual leader of his family. Every night they had a little ceremony. They formed a circle, then Jim went around to each child, touched their chest, head and shoulder and said "Love the LORD your God with all your heart, mind and strength." They said the Our Father, then he touched each child's forehead and said, "May the Lord Jesus bless you."
Saturday, August 18, 2001
Friday, August 17, 2001
Thursday, August 16, 2001
Second class in intermediate Cal-20. Good day for sailing and good company. Got some time in on the water. Crunched the keel in the shallows, but luckily it's a swinging keel so we weren't in the kind of trouble we could have been in. The instructor failed to instruct us not to pass the warning buoy line.
Wednesday, August 15, 2001
Day Four - the Fourth Pearl
Today's a sad day because today we go back home.
Shari, Lindsey and two others stopped at Aunt Marg's on the way home from their morning ride and let me take a spin on one of the horses. I rode Flash, a two-year-old, around the loop of the drive. No big deal.
Ater they left, Dad, Aunt Marg and I breakfasted and visited. It was my turn to cut up the peaches for breakfast this morning. Then Dad and I were on our way. We popped up to Colville to buy a swimsuit I saw there yesterday. Decided I didn't like it, after all, but Dad bought raffle tickets for two guns, so he doesn't feel like the trip was wasted.
Then off to Spokane. We were due at the 12:00 mass at the Cathedral of Our Lady of Lourdes. We met Mike there. Then to Burger King for lunch, then to the airport, and home. My days of pearl, my diamond hours, have come to an end.
Shari, Lindsey and two others stopped at Aunt Marg's on the way home from their morning ride and let me take a spin on one of the horses. I rode Flash, a two-year-old, around the loop of the drive. No big deal.
Ater they left, Dad, Aunt Marg and I breakfasted and visited. It was my turn to cut up the peaches for breakfast this morning. Then Dad and I were on our way. We popped up to Colville to buy a swimsuit I saw there yesterday. Decided I didn't like it, after all, but Dad bought raffle tickets for two guns, so he doesn't feel like the trip was wasted.
Then off to Spokane. We were due at the 12:00 mass at the Cathedral of Our Lady of Lourdes. We met Mike there. Then to Burger King for lunch, then to the airport, and home. My days of pearl, my diamond hours, have come to an end.
Tuesday, August 14, 2001
Day Three - the Third Pearl
Got up before anyone else and took a stroll around the farm. Aunt Margaret keeps only chickens now, and didn't do a garden this year. I picked a bunch of apricots from her tree. It's great to have all the apricots one can eat, especially such fresh, sweet ones.
Mike came up and we did more shooting. I shot a 9mm Smith and Wesson today. It's lighter than yesterday's 9mm Berretta, but still has a big kick. You can feel the shock waves in your body when it goes off. Also shot a 22 pistol. I think I'll get a BB pistol and do a lot of target practice when I get back.
Dad and I drove up the Columbia, exploring. It was so nice to be near the water. We started planning a canoe trip for next year. We'll start up north and take a couple days to canoe down, camping and exploring the countryside as we go.
Finally, went out to eat at Mi Casita with Dad, Aunt Margaret, Mike, Pete and Shari. It's a little hole-in-the-wall Mexican place -- not too fancy, food not too bad. Of course, no one does chicken enchiladas like Delfino's Terrace.
Mike came up and we did more shooting. I shot a 9mm Smith and Wesson today. It's lighter than yesterday's 9mm Berretta, but still has a big kick. You can feel the shock waves in your body when it goes off. Also shot a 22 pistol. I think I'll get a BB pistol and do a lot of target practice when I get back.
Dad and I drove up the Columbia, exploring. It was so nice to be near the water. We started planning a canoe trip for next year. We'll start up north and take a couple days to canoe down, camping and exploring the countryside as we go.
Finally, went out to eat at Mi Casita with Dad, Aunt Margaret, Mike, Pete and Shari. It's a little hole-in-the-wall Mexican place -- not too fancy, food not too bad. Of course, no one does chicken enchiladas like Delfino's Terrace.
Monday, August 13, 2001
Day Two - the Second Pearl
The chickens wake up very very early around here and loudly crow.
Went up to see my cousin Pete and his wife Shari around lunchtime. They live above Aunt Margaret's farm in a log cabin that Pete built. Furnishings include a stuffed mountain lion and a bearskin, both of which he bagged himself. Pete and Shari told us all about the extraordinary healing powers of colloidal silver. They made a fresh glass of it for us. It tasted metallic and didn't make me feel especially powerful. Shouldn't it be like Popeye's spinach?
After a while, we heard the pop pop of gunshots, which meant that Mike had arrived with his 45's, so we went back down the mountain to join him. We spent an hour or so shooting pistols. I shot with a 9mm Beretta. Mike had us try combat shooting, which is simply shooting quickly at one's target w/o spending alot of time sighting. He'd yell, "Fire in the hole!" as a warning when he was about to shoot, so we did too. It was tons of fun. We'll practice more tomorrow with a 22. I need a smaller pistol anyway. The 9mm was a bit much for me, heavy with a big kick.
Later, Mike and Dad and I drove down the Columbia starting at Kettle Falls. We were looking for good beaches and a marina that rents sailboats. There are plenty of good quiet little marinas with boat ramp and gas, and beaches too, but no place to rent a sailboat though we saw about eight moored at Rickey Point. We called it Pirate's Cove.
We made it down to Gifford's Ferry, but didn't cross as we didn't want to be too late for dinner. To me, though, it counts as a Gifford's Ferry trip. It felt good. We stopped at an orchard or two and bought peaches and apricots. We've had all the apricots we could possible want, from the orchards and from Aunt Marg's tree.
Went up to see my cousin Pete and his wife Shari around lunchtime. They live above Aunt Margaret's farm in a log cabin that Pete built. Furnishings include a stuffed mountain lion and a bearskin, both of which he bagged himself. Pete and Shari told us all about the extraordinary healing powers of colloidal silver. They made a fresh glass of it for us. It tasted metallic and didn't make me feel especially powerful. Shouldn't it be like Popeye's spinach?
After a while, we heard the pop pop of gunshots, which meant that Mike had arrived with his 45's, so we went back down the mountain to join him. We spent an hour or so shooting pistols. I shot with a 9mm Beretta. Mike had us try combat shooting, which is simply shooting quickly at one's target w/o spending alot of time sighting. He'd yell, "Fire in the hole!" as a warning when he was about to shoot, so we did too. It was tons of fun. We'll practice more tomorrow with a 22. I need a smaller pistol anyway. The 9mm was a bit much for me, heavy with a big kick.
Later, Mike and Dad and I drove down the Columbia starting at Kettle Falls. We were looking for good beaches and a marina that rents sailboats. There are plenty of good quiet little marinas with boat ramp and gas, and beaches too, but no place to rent a sailboat though we saw about eight moored at Rickey Point. We called it Pirate's Cove.
We made it down to Gifford's Ferry, but didn't cross as we didn't want to be too late for dinner. To me, though, it counts as a Gifford's Ferry trip. It felt good. We stopped at an orchard or two and bought peaches and apricots. We've had all the apricots we could possible want, from the orchards and from Aunt Marg's tree.
Sunday, August 12, 2001
Day One - The First Pearl
Today was a gem. Dad and Mike picked me up from the Spokane airport. We stopped to say a prayer at the Cathedral of Our Lady of Lourdes, a place that my mother loved. A parisioner gave us a personal tour of the place. The stained glass windows are beautiful, made in Germany using a lost technology. They seem to glow.
My cousin Mike and I are like brother and sister, which is to say we argue. As we were driving up the interstate I was beginning to wish I hadn't come at all. Then we got to the farm and everything was all right. It is so peaceful there. Aunt Marg made us some iced tea. I reclined on the couch while Dad played the piano. It was a perfect moment and I told Aunt Marg so. Just then, Dad stopped playing, and Aunt Marg said, "They go by so quickly."
Later, Dad and I went up to the marina in Kettle Falls to see if there was any sailing. They rent houseboats there, but not sailboats. The houseboat guy let us spend about half an hour hanging about on one of the docked ones. We went up on top and looked out over Lake Roosevelt. A family was taking a houseboat out. It was nerve-wracking to watch as they tried to maneuver, but they did manage to get out of the harbor without smashing into anything.
My cousin Mike and I are like brother and sister, which is to say we argue. As we were driving up the interstate I was beginning to wish I hadn't come at all. Then we got to the farm and everything was all right. It is so peaceful there. Aunt Marg made us some iced tea. I reclined on the couch while Dad played the piano. It was a perfect moment and I told Aunt Marg so. Just then, Dad stopped playing, and Aunt Marg said, "They go by so quickly."
Later, Dad and I went up to the marina in Kettle Falls to see if there was any sailing. They rent houseboats there, but not sailboats. The houseboat guy let us spend about half an hour hanging about on one of the docked ones. We went up on top and looked out over Lake Roosevelt. A family was taking a houseboat out. It was nerve-wracking to watch as they tried to maneuver, but they did manage to get out of the harbor without smashing into anything.
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