- Fairy tales teach -- how to have courage, what to watch out for, how to be a hero.
- Fairy tales entertain. They are packed with beauty, danger, conflict, and daring deeds, all the stuff that makes a good story.
- Fairy tales remind us to view the world with wonder -- it's full of fairies and magic.
- Fairy tales encourage us to have hope. Though the witch has cast a spell on you, with perseverance and a pure heart, you can overcome it.
Friday, April 29, 2005
Fairy Tales
I spent the evening reading the fairy tales of The Faun and the Woodcutters Daughter, an excellent collection of new fairy tales written in the classical fairy tale style.
Monday, April 11, 2005
Are UFOs for real?
Are UFO's for real? I don't think so. Many people claim that the Army and NASA know that we're being visited by extraterrestrials but hide the truth because they don't want to cause widespread panic. I say baloney. Here's why:
First, a question to get you thinking: What does the Army need more than it needs anything? This is question goes to military theory. I'm asking about any army, any military, any where and any time in history -- the tall and proud United States Marines, the great fighting machine that was the Roman Legions, a band of braves on the North American prairie. What does a fighting force need?
First and foremost, it needs an enemy.
Ain't nothing for it to do if there ain't no enemy.
Extra-terrestrials would be the perfect enemy. If the Army or NASA could prove that we were being visited, then their budget would explode. They wouldn't have to close bases or deal with budget cuts. We'd throw money at them! Our best and brightest would sign up to deal with the alien scourge. Warriors and scientists and explorers of every stripe would be salivating to get their hands on this problem. Thank God, something to do! What a fantastic challenge! The existence of extra-terrestrials would be a good thing for NASA and the Army. That's why I don't believe in a cover-up.
First, a question to get you thinking: What does the Army need more than it needs anything? This is question goes to military theory. I'm asking about any army, any military, any where and any time in history -- the tall and proud United States Marines, the great fighting machine that was the Roman Legions, a band of braves on the North American prairie. What does a fighting force need?
First and foremost, it needs an enemy.
Ain't nothing for it to do if there ain't no enemy.
Extra-terrestrials would be the perfect enemy. If the Army or NASA could prove that we were being visited, then their budget would explode. They wouldn't have to close bases or deal with budget cuts. We'd throw money at them! Our best and brightest would sign up to deal with the alien scourge. Warriors and scientists and explorers of every stripe would be salivating to get their hands on this problem. Thank God, something to do! What a fantastic challenge! The existence of extra-terrestrials would be a good thing for NASA and the Army. That's why I don't believe in a cover-up.
Wednesday, April 06, 2005
Kendall turns 18
I wondered all day what surprise she'd have for me now that she's reached her majority. You know how kids ask to do crazy things, and the answer is generally 'Yes, when you're eighteen!' So what will she have today? A tattoo? Bright green hair?
Later: It's a tongue stud. And a pack of cigarettes. So after dinner, the girls and I went out on the porch and had a smoke. Really. Even Michaela, who's 15. The girls all looked pretty cool and sophisticated with their cigarettes. They obviously have more experience than they've let on. For me, that was probably the fourth cigarette I've ever had in my life. I learned something, though. I learned that sitting around smoking with friends is a neat way to pass the time. You talk and shoot the breeze. I had a good time.
Later: It's a tongue stud. And a pack of cigarettes. So after dinner, the girls and I went out on the porch and had a smoke. Really. Even Michaela, who's 15. The girls all looked pretty cool and sophisticated with their cigarettes. They obviously have more experience than they've let on. For me, that was probably the fourth cigarette I've ever had in my life. I learned something, though. I learned that sitting around smoking with friends is a neat way to pass the time. You talk and shoot the breeze. I had a good time.
Wednesday, March 30, 2005
Scary Tarot Reading
I frequently do spreadless readings, in which I ask a question and draw one card to answer.
My latest tarot reading scares me. I asked, "What can I do to get Joe out of my head? I don't want to think of him all the time anymore!" I drew the Two of Cups, which means friendship and love. In other words, the cards are saying, Don't bother . You two are going to be close. "But what about Don?" I asked. I drew the Five of Cups, which means grief and loss. Oh no! What's going to happen to Don? I don't want anything to happen to him. I love him. Yes, he's hard to live with, but I love him. I love both of them.
My latest tarot reading scares me. I asked, "What can I do to get Joe out of my head? I don't want to think of him all the time anymore!" I drew the Two of Cups, which means friendship and love. In other words, the cards are saying, Don't bother . You two are going to be close. "But what about Don?" I asked. I drew the Five of Cups, which means grief and loss. Oh no! What's going to happen to Don? I don't want anything to happen to him. I love him. Yes, he's hard to live with, but I love him. I love both of them.
Monday, March 28, 2005
The Lovers, The Hermit, The Chariot
I drew three cards for a Tarot reading a couple days ago, asking "When will I understand what life is all about?"
The cards were the Lovers, the Hermit, and the Chariot. What could it possibly mean? I wasn't able to intuit the meaning immediately, so I pondered the answer for a few days until it became clear. (One problem with understanding Tarot is that so many people say so many things about what the cards mean. You can get pretty confused.) It was actually quite simple, really. Just read the cards straight up and there it is. I'll understand what life is all about when there is perfect union between the lone seeker and the master of the physical world. I'm the Lone Seeker; the Hermit is my significator. I figured that the Chariot referred to my husband, who is Mr. Fix-it. So, perfect union between the two of us -- that's a tall order!
But later I got to wondering. What if the Chariot referred to Joe? It could. And the Lovers -- that's our card. The card for Don and me is Temperance, that is, combination of different materials. So, anyway, a few days later I was sitting with my cards, asking questions and drawing one card per question. What would be the significator for Joe, I asked? I drew a card, while thinking "I'm not sure I'll believe this answer." But guess what the answer was -- it was the Chariot.
The cards were the Lovers, the Hermit, and the Chariot. What could it possibly mean? I wasn't able to intuit the meaning immediately, so I pondered the answer for a few days until it became clear. (One problem with understanding Tarot is that so many people say so many things about what the cards mean. You can get pretty confused.) It was actually quite simple, really. Just read the cards straight up and there it is. I'll understand what life is all about when there is perfect union between the lone seeker and the master of the physical world. I'm the Lone Seeker; the Hermit is my significator. I figured that the Chariot referred to my husband, who is Mr. Fix-it. So, perfect union between the two of us -- that's a tall order!
But later I got to wondering. What if the Chariot referred to Joe? It could. And the Lovers -- that's our card. The card for Don and me is Temperance, that is, combination of different materials. So, anyway, a few days later I was sitting with my cards, asking questions and drawing one card per question. What would be the significator for Joe, I asked? I drew a card, while thinking "I'm not sure I'll believe this answer." But guess what the answer was -- it was the Chariot.
Wednesday, March 02, 2005
A Stoner Party
The phone rang at 9:30 pm last night. I was right by it so I picked it up on the first ring. My husband must have been waiting for the call as he picked it up on the first ring too. "Hello?" we both said. "Hey Don, it's Joe," said Joe's voice. "Come on over." "All right, see ya," answered my husband. We all hung up. I felt a little shaky. My heart pounded in my chest. Joe's voice! How I used to long to hear that voice! Just hearing it used to make things all better. And now there it was, asking my husband to come over. Don was out the door in ten minutes. I know what Joe wanted -- he wanted someone to smoke pot with. The two of them were having a stoner party.
Tuesday, February 15, 2005
AmeriCorps Pledge
I will get things done for America, to make our people safer, smarter, and healthier.
I will bring Americans together to strengthen our communities.
Faced with apathy, I will take action.
Faced with conflict, I will seek common ground.
Faced with adversity, I will persevere.
I will carry this commitment with me this year and beyond.
I am an AmeriCorps member, and I will get things done.
I will bring Americans together to strengthen our communities.
Faced with apathy, I will take action.
Faced with conflict, I will seek common ground.
Faced with adversity, I will persevere.
I will carry this commitment with me this year and beyond.
I am an AmeriCorps member, and I will get things done.
Monday, February 14, 2005
Eric Cecil's Suicide
Last Friday evening, Eric Cecil tried to kill himself with a drug overdose. He was mostly successful. He wound up in intensive care, his life hanging by a thread, and that thread tied to this earth by high-tech machines. There was no hope, though, and so on Sunday his parents gave permission to remove him from life-support. In this way they finished the job they themselves had started on Friday afternoon, when Eric told them he was gay and they kicked him out of the house. He was sixteen years old and an acquaintance of my children.
Wednesday, December 29, 2004
Shit, it's our anniversary
Don and I have been married twenty years. I've been unhappy more than I've been happy. It's been more miserable than joyous. I've been unhappy 60 to 70% of the time. It's been a crappy marriage. In twenty years I have not learned how to manage him; I have not learned how to change his mind when he's wrong; I have not learned how to deal with his tempers, his bad moods, his criticisms; I have not learned to communicate.
I guess I'd better learn. That's what I'm here for, isn't it? I chose him because he was like my Dad. I chose him so I could redeem my mother's marriage. My mother was miserable, too. But at least in that case, Dad made a ton of money. He took care of her financially, he took her on trips around the world, and he cared for her in his own immature way.
Don cares for me in his own immature way, too. Unfortunately he's a complete loser when it comes to making a living.
I guess I'd better learn. That's what I'm here for, isn't it? I chose him because he was like my Dad. I chose him so I could redeem my mother's marriage. My mother was miserable, too. But at least in that case, Dad made a ton of money. He took care of her financially, he took her on trips around the world, and he cared for her in his own immature way.
Don cares for me in his own immature way, too. Unfortunately he's a complete loser when it comes to making a living.
Thursday, December 16, 2004
Go with your gut
Don't worry, and don't think about it. When the time comes, you'll know what to do.
The problem is doing it when the time comes. You'll always be able to recognize the right time - it's that split second when you think "I should talk to them" or "I should do that" and then your mind says "No you shouldn't, because of this semi-plausable reason." It is a briefest of moments, and almost always everyone agrees with their mind.
Never agree with your mind. Your mind has no idea what it is talking about. Always go with your gut.
The problem is doing it when the time comes. You'll always be able to recognize the right time - it's that split second when you think "I should talk to them" or "I should do that" and then your mind says "No you shouldn't, because of this semi-plausable reason." It is a briefest of moments, and almost always everyone agrees with their mind.
Never agree with your mind. Your mind has no idea what it is talking about. Always go with your gut.
Tuesday, December 14, 2004
Friday, December 03, 2004
Don and Joe: Best Buddies
So my husband comes home from work and says, "I'm going to go up to visit Joe. He lives up the street across from the laundromat. He invited me over." He grabs a bite to eat and off he goes. I know Joe lives up the street. I went to his place last year about this time. It was the second-to-last time I ever talked to him. See how the universe taunts me. Very funny, God! My husband gets to be friends with Joe but I don't. I loved him but now I don't even get to see him.
Later: Don came home very very late, and very very stoned. They are both stoners. I hope they are happy together.
Later: Don came home very very late, and very very stoned. They are both stoners. I hope they are happy together.
Wednesday, December 01, 2004
Parasite: Pinworm
Kendall knocked on my bedroom door late last night. "Can we go to the drugstore? I need some medicine." She was horribly embarrassed to tell why. She'd somehow contracted pinworm. You know what that is? Little tiny white worms that live in your guts and crawl out your rectum at night to lay their eggs. You can see them if you look at your private parts at night. Yuck! Kendall self-diagnosed; I did not check her. When you're 17, the last thing you want is for your mom to look at your privates. I picked up an over-the-counter medicine for her. One dose takes care of the little buggers.
Monday, November 29, 2004
Month of February 2004
Sunday, February 8, 2004
I haven't written yet anything this month because I'm just not in the mood for whining and complaining about my troubles.
I had a nice day today. After chores and the grocery store, I went to the library for a free concert of classical and romantic period guitar solos. Very nice. Later I went down to Tess's to give little Michael a present. He's three and boy is he a doll. I'm in love with him. He's got the look I really like in men -- fair skin, dark curly hair, dark eyes. (FYI: Joe has that look, Don doesn't) His favorite birthday present was a piggy bank and bag of pennies and nickles, from Grandpa. Michael, apparently, likes money and takes it from wherever he can find it -- mommy's purse, his sibling's piggy banks, etc. When he'd put his coins in his new bank, I shook it saying "Money Money Money" and he thought that was great.
Kendall, Michaela and I are having a nice time together, just hanging around. They come into my room and into the kitchen to talk to me. We watched Clueless together yesterday. Very cute movie. With Rhiannon gone there's more space for them.
Okay, here comes a complaint: My brother's been telling me about a marriage retreat coming up in our area called Retrouville. It is designed especially for troubled marriages. He knows of my troubles and is encouraging me to go, but you know what? As long as Don doesn't care to contribute financially to the family, I'm not interested in working out our differences. I'm just not. I don't care to have a good relationship with a freeloader.
Tuesday, February 10, 2004
In all honesty, he's not a total freeloader. I can count on him to keep my car going -- my '74 Saab 900 which he fixed up for me. All we have is very old Saabs because that's all he can work on. And what's weird is that even though he works on old cars all day and into the night, most of our cars don't work that well. I had to rent a car to go down to New Mexico to get Rhiannon because he didn't think mine could make the trip. What does he really do out in the garage all day?
On another note: I am such an idiot. I'm given many many opportunities to get to know people and I usually don't take them because I'm always thinking about how insecure I am. So today, there I am in the same room with Deborah Jinn, MacArthur winner and possible future Nobel prize winner, creator of the Fermionic Condensate, a new form of matter. It was a small room and there's weren't many of us, but I didn't say anything to her, not even "Congratulations."
Wednesday, February 11, 2004
Drawing class this semester is very different from last semester. There are a lot of loudmouth know-it-alls in there this time. It's hard to get a word in edgewise. One girl, Rachel, had a lot to say during the critique about her work and other's work too. Too bad her work wasn't very good. My scribble picture, Still Life in Blue, turned out very well. I am proud of it.
I'm doing Tarot more consistently. I bought four new decks in the past few days. I can't help myself! I'm working with the Voyager Tarot just now -- a busy, jumbled deck, not nearly as beautiful as most reviews say, but I am getting helpful readings. I've also been studying Tarot spreads. I usually do a one-card spread because I'm such a newbie at this - ask a question, draw a card for the answer - but I've learned a little more and and am trying spreads with more cards now. I did a five-card spread on Tuesday on the situation with Joe and me. Yes, I know, I promised to never think of him again and obviously doing a Tarot reading on him doesn't help me toward my goal, however, it is a very interesting subject and a fun one for readings.
I did a "Past Present Future" reading with five cards and my Hanson-Roberts deck.
TABLE HERE
Dailies
Sunday, February 8, 2004
I haven't written yet anything this month because I'm just not in the mood for whining and complaining about my troubles.
I had a nice day today. After chores and the grocery store, I went to the library for a free concert of classical and romantic period guitar solos. Very nice. Later I went down to Tess's to give little Michael a present. He's three and boy is he a doll. I'm in love with him. He's got the look I really like in men -- fair skin, dark curly hair, dark eyes. (FYI: Joe has that look, Don doesn't) His favorite birthday present was a piggy bank and bag of pennies and nickles, from Grandpa. Michael, apparently, likes money and takes it from wherever he can find it -- mommy's purse, his sibling's piggy banks, etc. When he'd put his coins in his new bank, I shook it saying "Money Money Money" and he thought that was great.
Kendall, Michaela and I are having a nice time together, just hanging around. They come into my room and into the kitchen to talk to me. We watched Clueless together yesterday. Very cute movie. With Rhiannon gone there's more space for them.
Okay, here comes a complaint: My brother's been telling me about a marriage retreat coming up in our area called Retrouville. It is designed especially for troubled marriages. He knows of my troubles and is encouraging me to go, but you know what? As long as Don doesn't care to contribute financially to the family, I'm not interested in working out our differences. I'm just not. I don't care to have a good relationship with a freeloader.
Tuesday, February 10, 2004
In all honesty, he's not a total freeloader. I can count on him to keep my car going -- my '74 Saab 900 which he fixed up for me. All we have is very old Saabs because that's all he can work on. And what's weird is that even though he works on old cars all day and into the night, most of our cars don't work that well. I had to rent a car to go down to New Mexico to get Rhiannon because he didn't think mine could make the trip. What does he really do out in the garage all day?
On another note: I am such an idiot. I'm given many many opportunities to get to know people and I usually don't take them because I'm always thinking about how insecure I am. So today, there I am in the same room with Deborah Jinn, MacArthur winner and possible future Nobel prize winner, creator of the Fermionic Condensate, a new form of matter. It was a small room and there's weren't many of us, but I didn't say anything to her, not even "Congratulations."
Wednesday, February 11, 2004
Drawing class this semester is very different from last semester. There are a lot of loudmouth know-it-alls in there this time. It's hard to get a word in edgewise. One girl, Rachel, had a lot to say during the critique about her work and other's work too. Too bad her work wasn't very good. My scribble picture, Still Life in Blue, turned out very well. I am proud of it.
I'm doing Tarot more consistently. I bought four new decks in the past few days. I can't help myself! I'm working with the Voyager Tarot just now -- a busy, jumbled deck, not nearly as beautiful as most reviews say, but I am getting helpful readings. I've also been studying Tarot spreads. I usually do a one-card spread because I'm such a newbie at this - ask a question, draw a card for the answer - but I've learned a little more and and am trying spreads with more cards now. I did a five-card spread on Tuesday on the situation with Joe and me. Yes, I know, I promised to never think of him again and obviously doing a Tarot reading on him doesn't help me toward my goal, however, it is a very interesting subject and a fun one for readings.
I did a "Past Present Future" reading with five cards and my Hanson-Roberts deck.
1
2
3
4
5More Distant Past Recent Past Present Immediate Future More Distant Future
I drew:
Judgment (judgment, redemption) Nine of Swords (guilt, worry, anxiety) The Devil Seven of Cups (choice, addiction)
Page of Swords (challenge)
Pretty incredible reading. The past HAS been one of both judgment and redemption -- he angry at me for being less than perfect, me feeling like my whole world is fixed because he's in it. And that Devil -- whatever else it means, it's got a picture of an estranged couple on it. Apparently I'll have to make some kind of choice in the near future. He may be getting in touch with me. This will lead to a challenge to my integrity.
Thursday, February 12, 2004
So, guess who called and left a message on my machine? There it is -- an opportunity to make a choice -- to see him or not. Well, if the future is any indication of the past, seeing Joe will lead to a period of emotional turmoil which I will have to work hard to overcome. It won't lead to a relationship of any kind. He probably called because he wants something. Therefore let's not bother.
Friday, February 13, 2004
Chili party today at work. Everyone who wanted to brought a pot of chili to share. We stuffed ourselves while three judges decided the best of the chilis. I brought a batch using a recipe I'd found on the internet. It was pretty good but it didn't win anything. It had lots of secret ingredients: brown sugar, beer, coffee and cocoa powder. I think I'll call it "Chili with Four Secret Ingredients" from now on. It will be my special recipe.
Sunday, February 15, 2004
I have been thinking that I'd follow the Diamond Approach as a spiritual path but I've discovered I can't afford it. They want money, and lots of it: $100 to join, $170 per month thereafter, individual sessions extra. Sheesh. I could be a Christian for nothing. Maybe spiritual paths are stupid. I definitely reject any spiritual path that leads to "God" since there's nobody there and if there were I wouldn't worship it.
I've been thinking something else -- that my marriage has put me in survival mode. All I want to do is survive: survive his bad moods, survive his verbal attacks, survive the lack of money, survive the loneliness. There's no growth, no self-actualization, no love or self-esteem. And I get all this because I married a Christian. You see why I've left Christianity.
Though, in all honesty, he tries. He struggles with depression and with being unable to cope with the pressures of his life, but he does try. Sometimes.
Wednesday, February 18, 2004
Art class is good. I finished Incoming Globes and am very proud of it. The other students are a talky bunch and I am having a good time in there.
There is no answer to be found in the cards, or in the stars, or in divination of any sort. The answer is within you or it is no where.
I wish Joe loved me. I wish that, 20 years ago, I'd moved back to California and married John.
But he doesn't and I didn't and there's nothing I can do about it.
Friday, February 20, 2004
I complain a lot about Don in this journal but here's a secret. He loves me more than I love him. He always has. He loved me first and when he's in a good mood, he loves me still. It was his love for me that sparked and fed mine for him, and when he turned mean, his bad tempers killed off the love I had.
I haven't written yet anything this month because I'm just not in the mood for whining and complaining about my troubles.
I had a nice day today. After chores and the grocery store, I went to the library for a free concert of classical and romantic period guitar solos. Very nice. Later I went down to Tess's to give little Michael a present. He's three and boy is he a doll. I'm in love with him. He's got the look I really like in men -- fair skin, dark curly hair, dark eyes. (FYI: Joe has that look, Don doesn't) His favorite birthday present was a piggy bank and bag of pennies and nickles, from Grandpa. Michael, apparently, likes money and takes it from wherever he can find it -- mommy's purse, his sibling's piggy banks, etc. When he'd put his coins in his new bank, I shook it saying "Money Money Money" and he thought that was great.
Kendall, Michaela and I are having a nice time together, just hanging around. They come into my room and into the kitchen to talk to me. We watched Clueless together yesterday. Very cute movie. With Rhiannon gone there's more space for them.
Okay, here comes a complaint: My brother's been telling me about a marriage retreat coming up in our area called Retrouville. It is designed especially for troubled marriages. He knows of my troubles and is encouraging me to go, but you know what? As long as Don doesn't care to contribute financially to the family, I'm not interested in working out our differences. I'm just not. I don't care to have a good relationship with a freeloader.
Tuesday, February 10, 2004
In all honesty, he's not a total freeloader. I can count on him to keep my car going -- my '74 Saab 900 which he fixed up for me. All we have is very old Saabs because that's all he can work on. And what's weird is that even though he works on old cars all day and into the night, most of our cars don't work that well. I had to rent a car to go down to New Mexico to get Rhiannon because he didn't think mine could make the trip. What does he really do out in the garage all day?
On another note: I am such an idiot. I'm given many many opportunities to get to know people and I usually don't take them because I'm always thinking about how insecure I am. So today, there I am in the same room with Deborah Jinn, MacArthur winner and possible future Nobel prize winner, creator of the Fermionic Condensate, a new form of matter. It was a small room and there's weren't many of us, but I didn't say anything to her, not even "Congratulations."
Wednesday, February 11, 2004
Drawing class this semester is very different from last semester. There are a lot of loudmouth know-it-alls in there this time. It's hard to get a word in edgewise. One girl, Rachel, had a lot to say during the critique about her work and other's work too. Too bad her work wasn't very good. My scribble picture, Still Life in Blue, turned out very well. I am proud of it.
I'm doing Tarot more consistently. I bought four new decks in the past few days. I can't help myself! I'm working with the Voyager Tarot just now -- a busy, jumbled deck, not nearly as beautiful as most reviews say, but I am getting helpful readings. I've also been studying Tarot spreads. I usually do a one-card spread because I'm such a newbie at this - ask a question, draw a card for the answer - but I've learned a little more and and am trying spreads with more cards now. I did a five-card spread on Tuesday on the situation with Joe and me. Yes, I know, I promised to never think of him again and obviously doing a Tarot reading on him doesn't help me toward my goal, however, it is a very interesting subject and a fun one for readings.
I did a "Past Present Future" reading with five cards and my Hanson-Roberts deck.
TABLE HERE
Dailies
Sunday, February 8, 2004
I haven't written yet anything this month because I'm just not in the mood for whining and complaining about my troubles.
I had a nice day today. After chores and the grocery store, I went to the library for a free concert of classical and romantic period guitar solos. Very nice. Later I went down to Tess's to give little Michael a present. He's three and boy is he a doll. I'm in love with him. He's got the look I really like in men -- fair skin, dark curly hair, dark eyes. (FYI: Joe has that look, Don doesn't) His favorite birthday present was a piggy bank and bag of pennies and nickles, from Grandpa. Michael, apparently, likes money and takes it from wherever he can find it -- mommy's purse, his sibling's piggy banks, etc. When he'd put his coins in his new bank, I shook it saying "Money Money Money" and he thought that was great.
Kendall, Michaela and I are having a nice time together, just hanging around. They come into my room and into the kitchen to talk to me. We watched Clueless together yesterday. Very cute movie. With Rhiannon gone there's more space for them.
Okay, here comes a complaint: My brother's been telling me about a marriage retreat coming up in our area called Retrouville. It is designed especially for troubled marriages. He knows of my troubles and is encouraging me to go, but you know what? As long as Don doesn't care to contribute financially to the family, I'm not interested in working out our differences. I'm just not. I don't care to have a good relationship with a freeloader.
Tuesday, February 10, 2004
In all honesty, he's not a total freeloader. I can count on him to keep my car going -- my '74 Saab 900 which he fixed up for me. All we have is very old Saabs because that's all he can work on. And what's weird is that even though he works on old cars all day and into the night, most of our cars don't work that well. I had to rent a car to go down to New Mexico to get Rhiannon because he didn't think mine could make the trip. What does he really do out in the garage all day?
On another note: I am such an idiot. I'm given many many opportunities to get to know people and I usually don't take them because I'm always thinking about how insecure I am. So today, there I am in the same room with Deborah Jinn, MacArthur winner and possible future Nobel prize winner, creator of the Fermionic Condensate, a new form of matter. It was a small room and there's weren't many of us, but I didn't say anything to her, not even "Congratulations."
Wednesday, February 11, 2004
Drawing class this semester is very different from last semester. There are a lot of loudmouth know-it-alls in there this time. It's hard to get a word in edgewise. One girl, Rachel, had a lot to say during the critique about her work and other's work too. Too bad her work wasn't very good. My scribble picture, Still Life in Blue, turned out very well. I am proud of it.
I'm doing Tarot more consistently. I bought four new decks in the past few days. I can't help myself! I'm working with the Voyager Tarot just now -- a busy, jumbled deck, not nearly as beautiful as most reviews say, but I am getting helpful readings. I've also been studying Tarot spreads. I usually do a one-card spread because I'm such a newbie at this - ask a question, draw a card for the answer - but I've learned a little more and and am trying spreads with more cards now. I did a five-card spread on Tuesday on the situation with Joe and me. Yes, I know, I promised to never think of him again and obviously doing a Tarot reading on him doesn't help me toward my goal, however, it is a very interesting subject and a fun one for readings.
I did a "Past Present Future" reading with five cards and my Hanson-Roberts deck.
1
2
3
4
5More Distant Past Recent Past Present Immediate Future More Distant Future
I drew:
Judgment (judgment, redemption) Nine of Swords (guilt, worry, anxiety) The Devil Seven of Cups (choice, addiction)
Page of Swords (challenge)
Pretty incredible reading. The past HAS been one of both judgment and redemption -- he angry at me for being less than perfect, me feeling like my whole world is fixed because he's in it. And that Devil -- whatever else it means, it's got a picture of an estranged couple on it. Apparently I'll have to make some kind of choice in the near future. He may be getting in touch with me. This will lead to a challenge to my integrity.
Thursday, February 12, 2004
So, guess who called and left a message on my machine? There it is -- an opportunity to make a choice -- to see him or not. Well, if the future is any indication of the past, seeing Joe will lead to a period of emotional turmoil which I will have to work hard to overcome. It won't lead to a relationship of any kind. He probably called because he wants something. Therefore let's not bother.
Friday, February 13, 2004
Chili party today at work. Everyone who wanted to brought a pot of chili to share. We stuffed ourselves while three judges decided the best of the chilis. I brought a batch using a recipe I'd found on the internet. It was pretty good but it didn't win anything. It had lots of secret ingredients: brown sugar, beer, coffee and cocoa powder. I think I'll call it "Chili with Four Secret Ingredients" from now on. It will be my special recipe.
Sunday, February 15, 2004
I have been thinking that I'd follow the Diamond Approach as a spiritual path but I've discovered I can't afford it. They want money, and lots of it: $100 to join, $170 per month thereafter, individual sessions extra. Sheesh. I could be a Christian for nothing. Maybe spiritual paths are stupid. I definitely reject any spiritual path that leads to "God" since there's nobody there and if there were I wouldn't worship it.
I've been thinking something else -- that my marriage has put me in survival mode. All I want to do is survive: survive his bad moods, survive his verbal attacks, survive the lack of money, survive the loneliness. There's no growth, no self-actualization, no love or self-esteem. And I get all this because I married a Christian. You see why I've left Christianity.
Though, in all honesty, he tries. He struggles with depression and with being unable to cope with the pressures of his life, but he does try. Sometimes.
Wednesday, February 18, 2004
Art class is good. I finished Incoming Globes and am very proud of it. The other students are a talky bunch and I am having a good time in there.
There is no answer to be found in the cards, or in the stars, or in divination of any sort. The answer is within you or it is no where.
I wish Joe loved me. I wish that, 20 years ago, I'd moved back to California and married John.
But he doesn't and I didn't and there's nothing I can do about it.
Friday, February 20, 2004
I complain a lot about Don in this journal but here's a secret. He loves me more than I love him. He always has. He loved me first and when he's in a good mood, he loves me still. It was his love for me that sparked and fed mine for him, and when he turned mean, his bad tempers killed off the love I had.
Saturday, November 27, 2004
Not a good day
I'm sick today. I'm grumpy. The house is a mess. Life sucks. I can't put my husband off all the time; well, I could, but I don't feel good about it, and my motto is to feel good, so I have to make love to him every now and then, but it doesn't work unless I pretend he's someone else; a stranger preferably. What kind of marriage is that? Crappy, that's what. I have an upset stomach and I'm tired and I'm bored. And I'm stuck. Christmas is coming, a holiday for which I have no affinity anymore. It's all just stuff I have to do, just like making love to my husband is something I have to do. I'd like to crawl off into a hole and just be alone.
Charity's Laws for a Life Well Lived
No fear, no self-doubt
Self-confidence and self-assurance are what it's all about. Do whatever you need to develop these qualities.
Awareness
Be aware of what's going on within you and around you in nature, in the world, and in the lives of others.
Authenticity
Drop the mask. Speak the truth. You are no one if you are not yourself.
Industry
Work hard at it! Throw yourself 100 percent into whatever you're doing. And stick to it! Talent grows with practice. Be disciplined in doing what you've chosen to do.
Excitement
Be excited about every moment, even about the small things. Let the simple things thrill you. And if things are dull, do something to make them interesting. Make all of life an adventure.
Connection
Love the one you're with. Tremendously. Passionately. Truly. Madly. Deeply. It feels good to love. But if that's too much, then make a connection. Collect somebody.
Mastery
Master a few things. Your choice, but do get good at them.
Habits
Have good habits. Then you won't always have to remind yourself. You'll do those boring little things automatically -- use sunscreen; eat salads and veggies; get enough sleep; exercise; drink water; save 10 percent; don't smoke -- those little things that over the long haul keep you healthy and happy.
Contribute
Be a contributor to the group. It's important to develop yourself so that you are a worthwhile and worthy member. In my case, it's "have something to say." Prove yourself worthy.
Challenge
Do something difficult. Stretch yourself. "We choose to do these things, not because they are easy, but because they are hard."
Insight, Learning and Discovery
Think. And learn. And make discoveries. And be curious about the world around you.
Forgiveness
Your adversaries are your friends.
Self-confidence and self-assurance are what it's all about. Do whatever you need to develop these qualities.
Awareness
Be aware of what's going on within you and around you in nature, in the world, and in the lives of others.
Authenticity
Drop the mask. Speak the truth. You are no one if you are not yourself.
Industry
Work hard at it! Throw yourself 100 percent into whatever you're doing. And stick to it! Talent grows with practice. Be disciplined in doing what you've chosen to do.
Excitement
Be excited about every moment, even about the small things. Let the simple things thrill you. And if things are dull, do something to make them interesting. Make all of life an adventure.
Connection
Love the one you're with. Tremendously. Passionately. Truly. Madly. Deeply. It feels good to love. But if that's too much, then make a connection. Collect somebody.
Mastery
Master a few things. Your choice, but do get good at them.
Habits
Have good habits. Then you won't always have to remind yourself. You'll do those boring little things automatically -- use sunscreen; eat salads and veggies; get enough sleep; exercise; drink water; save 10 percent; don't smoke -- those little things that over the long haul keep you healthy and happy.
Contribute
Be a contributor to the group. It's important to develop yourself so that you are a worthwhile and worthy member. In my case, it's "have something to say." Prove yourself worthy.
Challenge
Do something difficult. Stretch yourself. "We choose to do these things, not because they are easy, but because they are hard."
Insight, Learning and Discovery
Think. And learn. And make discoveries. And be curious about the world around you.
Forgiveness
Your adversaries are your friends.
Friday, November 26, 2004
Tons of clothes
Today is the Day After Thanksgiving - supposedly the biggest shopping day of the year. I popped into my favorite thrift store today and picked some shirts and a couple pairs of pants, all designer name and very nice. Cost $5.60, quite the bargain. I love my favorite thrift store. I love buying stuff and not worrying about the cost.
So, anyway, back at home I organized my closet a little and laid out what I'll be wearing for the next two weeks. I wonder how many different things I have to wear, total? I have a ton of clothes. How long could I go, wearing something new every day, before I had to wear something I've already worn? I don't know the answer to that a question. Probably two months at least.
I remember my first year in junior high (boy was that a long time ago). Up to then I'd only ever gone to Catholic school where we wore uniforms every day. For public school, my mom took me school shopping and we bought five different outfits for me, more than I'd ever had or needed before. Every Monday found me in the white shirt with orange vest, every Tuesday in the blue with white, and so on. I wonder if anyone ever noticed. I was pretty shy and kept to myself.
So, anyway, back at home I organized my closet a little and laid out what I'll be wearing for the next two weeks. I wonder how many different things I have to wear, total? I have a ton of clothes. How long could I go, wearing something new every day, before I had to wear something I've already worn? I don't know the answer to that a question. Probably two months at least.
I remember my first year in junior high (boy was that a long time ago). Up to then I'd only ever gone to Catholic school where we wore uniforms every day. For public school, my mom took me school shopping and we bought five different outfits for me, more than I'd ever had or needed before. Every Monday found me in the white shirt with orange vest, every Tuesday in the blue with white, and so on. I wonder if anyone ever noticed. I was pretty shy and kept to myself.
Wednesday, November 24, 2004
Meal, Ready to Eat
Rhiannon brought an MRE back from AmeriCorps with her. It was pretty good. MREs, as you undoubtedly know, are what they serve the Armed Forces when they're out in the field. Each MRE is a package of one meal for one soldier. Ours was Chicken Salsa. It included a flameless ration heater -- a little water-activated heater -- pour water onto the unit and it generates heat! There was plenty of food -- chicken with salsa, mexican rice, a vegetable cracker, jalapeno cheese sauce, hot cocoa, iced tea mix, shortbread cookies, and a pack of M&Ms. Oh, and the tiniest bottle of Tabasco sauce you ever saw, about the size of my thumb joint. Rhiannon says that if the Army recruiter who came to her high school had cracked open an MRE for the kids, she'd be in Iraq right now.
A very icy road
It's snowing out, and icy. While taking Kendall to her friend's I slid off the road into a ditch. I did not slam into the SUV which had stopped immediately ahead to help a motorist who was already in the ditch. Nor did I hit the people who were standing around. Nor did I slam into a thick wooden fence post, thereby smashing up my front end and ruining my dental work. I came to rest gently against the post instead. Several people stopped to ask if we needed help, causing a third car to run off the road. It was so incredibly dangerous out there. It's amazing that so little went wrong. I called my hubby who came out and picked me up. I'll go back for my car when the snow has melted and not before. Not one minute before.
Monday, November 22, 2004
It's great to be Blonde
Even though the highlights came out of a bottle, and I didn't do all that great a job on them, it's still great to be blonde. Especially when you have long hair, the way I do. :)
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