Narcissus in The Alchemist

I've begun listening to The Alchemist by Paul Coehlo, but don't know if I'll be able to get further than the opening bit. It begins with some body called the alchemist who picks up a book and reads a story about Narcissus who loved to gaze upon his own beauty reflected in the lake. One day he fell in and drowned. The lake turned to salty tears after his death. Turns out the lake had been doing the same thing back at Narcissus -- contemplating its beauty reflected in his eyes. The alchemist thought this was a lovely story, whereas it turns my stomach. The lake did not love or mourn for Narcissus, or even regret the part that it had played in his death. The lake mourned the loss of its mirror. So we've got two selfish people here, who love not the person before them, but what they see in the lover's eyes.

Maybe it's just a bit too close to home for me.

One Year Later, Another Diabetic Incident

Low blood sugar this time. It was July 24, 2007, that Joe went to the ER with Diabetic Ketoacidosis. He has been getting all nervous because the first anniversary of his hospitalization is approaching. How silly and superstitious, I thought. The anniversary of an illness doesn't mean anything. Silly me. The hospital ER just called. Joe was found passed out near the bathroom of his shop. He had apparently had a low blood sugar incident.

Later: He wasn't passed out. He was lying in a pool of blood, conscious but unresponsive, his forehead gashed in several places. Jason from The Carriage Shop found him, and brought Jim King and Mark Cervelli from Wolfsburg Autowerks, who called 911. The paramedics gave him glucose which brought him out of the diabetic shock. He was much better by the time they got him to the emergency room, such that he was able to give them my name and number. The paramedics told me his blood sugar was zero.

Monday Report

Starbucks scares me as there are so many choices. However, after careful research, I was able to successfully make my first personalized Starbucks order -- tall whole milk cafe mocha with peppermint. At lunch, made a trip to Bookworm Used Books. Made 30 bucks in trade credit; bought an iPod/iTunes how-to.

Weekend Report

An excellent weekend, sunny and happy. Let's see... It started Thursday, I suppose, when he picked me up from the company picnic on his motorcycle. He came roaring up; I said, My ride's here" to gasps of general astonishment. Felicia said, "You have a hot boyfriend!" I did get to have my arms around him on the ride home but no more than that. I hadn't been alone with Joe all week so I got pretty grumpy as the evening wore on. Finally on Friday night we were able to get some time to ourselves.

Saturday morning was the annual BVSD book sale, in which the local school district makes its discards available to whoever wants to haul them away. I got three boxes, including some books on herbs and a children's book called "Nobody Knows I Have Delicate Toes" which I gave to Joe. Private joke. I puttered around on Saturday, walking the dogs and getting some shopping done. We three watched "Blood Simple", the Coen Brother's first movie, in the evening. Joe and I got some more time together.

Sunday morning is scheduled for Don and me. I had to convince him. Didn't really want to, but I do want to do my duty and keep him from being too grumpy or suspicious of me and Joe. Sunday afternoon my sister Maria called to ask if having a dog was good for depression. I told her that a dog is a little chid who needs to be trained and taken care of, so not really recommended. Not by me, anyway. She's having some spiritual and emotional difficulties. We're going to the library Monday to find books to help encourage her. Sunday evening I went down to Anne Marie's place, where Dad and Anne and I watched Generation Kill. I loved it. Sunday night Joe and I went out on the trampoline to talk and look at the moon. He said, "I'm here on the tramp with Charity" as though he could hardly believe it was happening. That's just how I feel all the time. More intimate time followed, this one really nice 'cause we got some pillow talk in afterward.

Mrs. Rhiannon in town

What did we do? We kept ourselves busy with small things, just like in the old days -- talking, walking dogs, playing the computer, reading books and watching movies.

Saturday: airport
Sunday: Rose and David went to coin show in Colo Springs
Monday: Birthday dinner at Uncle Richards
Tuesday: swimming with Aunt Jean, Aunt Teresa and all the cousins
Wednesday: ?
Thursday: she spent most of day with Grandpa, later we went to Borders Bookstore
Friday: Hobby Lobby and Borders Bookstore with Michaela; assembled scrapbook decorations
Saturday: airport

He's like a god

Isn't that horribly corny? But it's true. It's like he's carved out of marble. And you know what? I'm no longer jealous of the girls he had before me. They were very lucky to be in his arms. I hope they knew it.

I realize that this blog has degenerated into posts about Joe, Joe and more Joe. I'll try to be better; try to talk more about the other cool things I do. It's just that he fills so much of my head and heart and (admit it) my time. I'm like a teenager again; I'm just another girl who "lives but in her lord." (Dorothy Parker)

He was a little snide again on the phone. Something was bothering him. He 'fessed up to it right away this time: he doesn't like to share me -- not with my kids, not with my dogs, not with another man. I'm so glad he feels that way. I love him so much. I wish I could tell his parents how wonderful I think he is.

No one writes songs about the ones that come easy

He called me up Friday morning and insulted me in various ways. I called him on it, but we weren't able to get to the root of his moodiness just then. I was sooo angry about being treated that way. All weekend I jumped on him immediately at the slightest insult. And he was always very nice to me after I slapped him down.

I've already got a man that can't handle stress. I don't need another guy who takes his problems out on me. I was ready to call the whole thing off. I still am. I don't want a half-hearted love affair. I want a passionate epic affair. I want an affair that that spans years and continents, that transcends time and space. No one writes songs about the ones that come easy.

I know why he behaved that way on Friday. Thursday evening I had told him about the nice things a co-worker had said to me that day. He thought the comments were too familiar and was pretty jealous.

So maybe we are on our way. Maybe you can't have epic without some of the rougher emotions, too.

I want that jackpot

Intimate three nights in a row last week. Haven't had a chance this week. I want that.

I love Jim Bohannon of Boulder, Colorado.

Man I love my boyfriend

I love him SOOOO much! We had a great weekend. His daughter was out of town all weekend and when that happens he spends the day with me. We explored the country roads north of here on his motorcycle and found a cool little off-road spot. His bike is a bit too large for off-roading but we had fun anyway. We set his vintage canvas tent up in the backyard for Kendall and her SO.

What a complainer

Just got a ride in to town with Joe. He's good at talking, mostly about himself, along with complaints about the other drivers and whatever's in the news. He spoke disparagingly of the army's new ray gun. He thinks the U.S. military can be used against American citizens. He probably believes the White House was behind 9/11 and the Katrina mess, too. It wasn't pleasant and I was happy when the ride was over.

Maybe it's all a matter of learning to live with a person. What if I had said, "Will you please stop complaining?" It might have made a difference.

We had a nice evening which included some very sweet intimate time.

Rhiannon got married

And what a beautiful bride.

The trip was mildly horrible as is any trip with Don. I'm ready to ask for a divorce. Why travel with a person who makes travel miserable? He was happiest when he got back home and got to talk to Joe. Don was positively animated -- I never see him that way except when he's with someone else. The two of them sat on the couch and toked up while I brought in all the bags from the car. (To be fair, Joe asked if I needed help. I said no.)

At home I'm feeling completely beleaguered and overwhelmed. Michaela lives at home of course, as do Kendall and her boyfriend Xach, having been burned out of their apartment. The place is bursting at the seams. K and X sleep in my room. I sleep in one of the rooms I rent out to Joe. I am not allowed to let my dogs come in. Kendall and Xach are having a tough time finding a place for the summer so they have asked if they can live in a tent in the backyard.

I'm ready to cut it off with Joe. I've enjoyed loving him though the enjoyment has always been offset by pain. It's reached the point where the pleasure no longer makes up for the trouble.

Kendall and the Apartment Fire

Kendall's apartment building caught on fire in the middle of the night a few days ago. She and her roommate were awakened by shouts and pounding on the door. They had time to put on shoes and coats, then grabbed their backpacks and their two cats. They sat out on the lawn with all the other people, holding their cats on their laps and watching the firemen. They couldn't get their car from the parking lot because it was blocked by fire equipment.

So now they are bunking at our home. We're all waiting for the asbestos tests to come back. If the apartment was contaminated everything in it will be condemned -- the new mountain bike, Kendall's paintings, the college textbooks, clothes, mattress, TV, dishes, couch, dining table, etc., etc.

A teeny-tiny upside: Kendall and Xach are sleeping in my queen-size bed, and I'm in a single bed in the basement guest room. It's right next to Joe's room. He came in for a cuddle last night, told me I was so beautiful and that he loved me.

This is too hard

And so I want to quit. It's just too ridiculous that Don is all over him all even, with me all over him all night. It's ludicrous. I don't want any part of it any more. Also it's just too painful. I want something I'm probably not ever going to have. I'm tired of waiting.

The three of us went hiking on Sunday to Eldorado Canyon. It was lovely. It was also very difficult. I hated pretty much every minute. I can't have a good time when I'm with both of them. It's hard not to notice that Don is a ball-less wimp when he's next to Joe. The only thing he's got the guts for is to yell at me. It infuriates me that he will go spend time in the outdoors with his male friends, but he never would with me and the children. Joe and Don have a good time together. I can't compete. I want out.

Not that it's not painful to be alone. It is. I feel again like I felt long ago -- every breath hurts. Somehow I have to get through the day, and then through the week, and after that the rest of the year.

If he loved me, he would...

1. Want to talk to me.
2. Want to be with me.
3. Listen to me talk every now and then.
4. Be jealous of my husband.
5. Be nice to me.

Are these beliefs true? Can I absolutely know they are true?
He does all of them but #4.

I've got the Loader Lounger!

Not just one, either -- I've got three. They look lovely grouped with several flowering hibiscus trees in my Flower Room.

Webkinz Ancient Theme

I've bought a tiny room which I will decorate with this theme. So far I've got the wallpaper, a trophy pedestal and a brazier.

How do you talk about it?

How do you say you want sex? I don't think either of us knows how to.

"The purple brings out the blue of your eyes"

I caught a pop-fly with my face at Thursday's softball game and went down like a ton of bricks though I didn't lose consciousness. The first thing I said was "That was so easy! How could I miss that?" I continued on in that vein ("I let that hit me in the face!" "How could anyone be so pathetic?" etc.), never asking about my injuries which really impressed my teammates. I lay there in the infield surrounded by worried teammates while EMTs from the other team applied pressure and ice packs. The cuts on my face didn't bleed too badly, but they didn't stop, either. They bled from time of impact until being stitched up an hour and a half later. My nosebleed poured down the back of my throat rather than out the front, a good thing since blood is so upsetting. We forfeited the game and they took me to the emergency room where the doctor put in 15 teeny tiny stitches. Joe and I had planned some private time after the game which we went ahead with even though it was pretty late and I was black and blue. Today a coworker said that the purple brings out the blue of my eyes so it's plum shadow for me from now on!

Are you mad at me?

Yes, because of what you said yesterday about my dog.

He was jealous of the new dog because it's taking all my time. That's not exactly true -- while it does take a lot of time, it's not time away from Joe. it's time away from time I used to spend working out, doing yoga and playing with my first dog.

Ask someone who cares

Bandit, my new blue heeler, spent the day at the veterinarian's yesterday. He got neutered, had blood work to check for heart worms, and had a microchip implanted. Poor puppy! He was very glad to come home. He's spending the day in his cage today as he is not supposed to run around.

The microchip people wanted an alternate contact in case Bandit was lost and they couldn't get ahold of me. I asked Joe if he would do it. He said I should ask someone who cares. Maybe he was joking, but it really hurts. I guess I'm a "love me, love my dogs" person.

Oh look, he's calling me. I'm not going to pick up. I'll maybe call him back this afternoon. Or never. This relationship has been a lot of trouble. It hurts. I hate being as needy as I've been. Plus it's not like I can talk to him. Okay, I admit -- I can't talk to anybody. My self-esteem is too low. But a girl can dream, can't she? She can wish for a boyfriend she can talk to, even though that dream won't ever come true.

Evaluations today at work. I hate this time of year because I think I suck at my job.