A Little Bit Pregnant

I was! Eight days late; when it finally came it was ... different. The symptoms matched those of chemical pregnancy (a pregnancy that is confirmed by lab means only; the fetus never gets big enough to be confirmed by ultrasound). Anyway, the bleeding was fairly light as my periods go, which is consistent with early miscarriage according to some studies, and there were a lot more clots and tissue. I regret that I did not do a pregnancy test. It would be nice to know for sure.

About having a baby: not a good idea. I'd want to stay home with it, but can't as I'm the main support of the household. But mainly I don't want to go through all that again. I absolutely loved being a mom. It was a fantastic adventure that is over. I'm too old to do all that again.

Great Weekend

Trip to Target with Sweetie on Wednesday night. He was hard to talk to that night which put me in a horrible mood for the next two days -- I already have someone I can't talk to, thank you very much. I was all weepy and miserable. I kept to myself Thursday and Friday. Sweetie was very kind to me, and somehow I managed to pull out of it. We had a nice weekend. He invited me to go swimming with him and L on Saturday. We had a sweet time in the evening. On Sunday Don and I finally had a good talk about what we wanted. I wasn't super open because it's hard to say that you don't love someone anymore, but he knows. He said it himself. We are not going to be antagonistic and mean to each other. We're going to be nice. We went out to the coin and comic book store together, during which time he actually talked to me and was friendly.

One, two, I love you

One, two, I love you;
Three, four, let's shut the door;
Five, six, kiss me quick;
I can't wait to hold you once more.

"Sometimes I wish you were my wife"

I hope that can come true someday.

Things have been really good with us. He responds really really well to the happy thoughts that I think. It's amazing. When I send sweetness and light and happiness his way, he reacts in a positive way.

Webkinz: Three Wells!

I got three wells AGAIN in the wishing well!

Pillow Talk

We are greatly enjoying our pillow talk. It's new for me, this happy intimate chat. Very sweet and nice. Last weekend I whispered that he should marry me, and we bantered about what the wedding would be like. Apparently the idea didn't scare him off as he's been very affectionate these past few days. He commented in passing that besides physical intimacy, we have shared spiritual and emotional and mental intimacy as well.

I'm not doing well today

I miss my boyfriend. He spends all his time with Don, who is crazy about him and is all over him all the time. They laugh; they talk; they do little things together; they hang out in the garage smoking and watching T.V. I can't compete with that so I'm not going to.

I'm not high maintenance but I do need some. If I'm not gonna get it I'm out. Joe and Don can have each other. I feel redundant. Joe's got Don for laughter and company, Michaela for a female presence, and porn for sex. I'm just not necessary.

Terri Clark's playing on the radio. God I hate her. I can't stand her voice or her style, just like I can't stand the Dixie Chicks.

You know, no matter how hard I try, I will never ever be able to get what I want. I will always be a scared introvert. That's my biggest secret that I should send to PostSecret. I will never be confident enough to join the group that is laughing and talking outside my door.

Slept Over

I stayed the whole night in his room -- a first. Usually I skip outta there at 2:00 a.m. It was very nice. I always thought I couldn't sleep if someone was touching me. That's not true with him, though. We really do sleep in each other's arms. He woke up at 4:00 which apparently is usual, and we had some nice cuddling and lovely-dovey talk then. Finally went back to sleep and got up at 7:35. Way late!

I've got a really nice boyfriend

I'm reading two wonderful books: Mindful Loving and Inner Radiance, Outer Beauty. As I put the teachings into practice, my relationship with my boyfriend gets better and better. I don't feel so insecure anymore (not so much, anyway). I used to ask him, by way of reassurance, if he loved me. I don't anymore because I don't need to be reassured. And you know what? He says it on his own, lots and lots. He said lots of really sweet things last night. He thinks I'm really sweet. He wonders how he got so lucky.

We're better

We had a short talk about the incident and now we're better. He never did talk about what was bothering him; he doesn't want to keep rehashing it. He did acknowledge that he handled it poorly and should have given me an explanation. He said I was very beautiful and he would never want to hurt me. Fair enough. We had a lovely intimate time in which we talked about how much we loved each other and touched, tentatively, on the subject of marriage. Very scary. I love him sooo much, and he does me, but what if things go wrong? I couldn't take another relationship breakdown.

Something's Bugging Him

He teased me in slightly mean ways all weekend. None of it was really bad by itself but when I review the entirely of it I get pretty angry at being treated that way. Something's bugging him and so he's acting out. I asked him about it but he turned his back, said "What's NOT the matter?" then got out of bed to go watch the Simpson's. Fine. We can be over until, if and when, he can talk about what's on his mind. I don't need snotty treatment. I don't need someone who's not grown-up enough to say what's on his mind. I don't need to hang out with someone I can't talk to. Keep it to yourself.

Thoughts on the situation

My boyfriend is wonderful because he's so manly. He's also smart and funny and good-looking. He thinks I'm pretty and calls me his sexy girlfriend.

On the other hand: he doesn't like it that I'm having an affair. He'd prefer me to be perfect and pure. There's a bit of irony for you, eh? He wishes I were not the kind of person who would have an affair. What am I supposed to do with that? Answer: I can't be with him anymore. I spent many years with someone who despised me (that would be my husband, Don). I'm not going to do that again.

He's always joking; never being serious. I can't really talk to him. I'm always going to be wanting something from him that he's not going to give. Same old story for the past eight years. What have I ever gotten out of this except the hope and expectation that someday he'll love me? That hope has kept me going for so so long but eventually even I have to wake up. This is NEVER going to be an epic love-affair. He's a light-duty boyfriend, nothing else. A handsome smart funny sexy light-duty guy who spends his evenings watching TV. If I want to spend time with him then I have to become a TV watcher too.

I'm bored out of my mind

J and I haven't spent any decent time together in a while. We've been intimate, but w/o face time I end up feeling used. I'm bored out of my mind. I'm gonna take a break from being the dinner-maker for a while. That makes me feel used, too. I'm gonna focus on training Bandit and Dice, and spend sometime with my new digital camera and photo blog. It's a beautiful day out there; I should be taking photos of tombstones.

Email's Down

Note from our network admin:

It appears email in general is down again. 5-HELP is flooded and tells you to call back, so I'm assuming this is an ITS issue. A few people, myself included, can't log into our email even through WebMail. ITS has been making some email routing changes recently; it could have something to do with that. I'm sure they're working on it. I suggest we all just enjoy our Friday afternoon without the use of a critical business tool that this campus can't keep running for more than three weeks at a time.

Wonderful Love

Joe said that, in spite of its weirdness, what he has now is the best thing he's ever had.

Here's what he has: an inexpensive place to live, a buddy to pal around with, and a girl he's loved for a long time who now loves him back.

It's not the perfect situation but it is pretty close. We can't talk about it with anyone but ourselves, but I'd rather have things the way they are -- two boys and one girl -- than have them be like a storybook romance. I'd be afraid of a one-to-one relationship. I'd be afraid that it would get messed up.

Don said he wants me to be happy and if I love Joe, well, he can accept that.

Webkinz W

Look what I found in the Barking Mad mine today!

Update on the friends sob story from below: In just the two days since I invented Katie, I've been doing much better with real people. Somehow having her gives me a lot of confidence. I've done things I never do -- yesterday I insisted on not being interrupted instead of letting people talk over me like I usually do.

I don't have any friends!

It's true. I don't. I am afraid of people. That makes me not like them. When I was in elementary school I used to cry that to my mother. I wonder if she was secretly glad. I don't think she liked me all that much. Just yesterday, though, I was inspired by a PostSecret postcard to create an imaginary friend. So I did! Her name is Katie and she is exactly like me. I'm not creating a friend who has qualities that I don't have. I don't need that. I want someone exactly like me -- moody, funny-looking, socially awkward, etc.

Also, I'll try to pay more attention to people who ARE nice to me. So far today Kevin L talked to me about his garden; Vicki C. and I had a longish chat about technology; Sam S. told me about a band he thought I'd like.

And have I mentioned lately that my boyfriend is wonderful?

Michaela's Birthday!

She turned 19 on Sunday. I made a Black Forest cake and we had a small party. Kendall and boyfriend Xach came over along with friend Cheyenne. Don got her a couple silly presents. I usually give one large present and supplement the pile with a bunch of small nutty things from the Salvation Army but this year I didn't. Honestly, I forgot to. My dog Bandit and my boyfriend Joe are taking up all my mind.

It was a nice weekend. We rented the new Speed Racer movie and greatly enjoyed it, in defiance of the critics. Joe and daughter L took me sailing on Saturday after which I drove up to Ft. Collins to retrieve Kendall. Sunday I took the dogs to Dry Creek Trail and later to Coal Creek Trail.

Also, Joe told me his desire for me has increased over time. I'm finally getting what I wanted more than anything -- his heart. Honestly I'm not sure what to do with it.

Polyamory

What a week! Joe had another low blood sugar incident on Sunday and I got to nurse him through that. The diabetes and its complications have been a good thing for our relationship because we get to be emotionally close. He cried afterwords and said it hurt to love me. It's been a hard week for him because Don and I had been doing a lot of talking and laughing together, and it looked like we were getting our marriage back on track. He thought he didn't have a girlfriend anymore. I told him the truth about everything -- that I'm not really a poly girl; that I don't want to have sex with anybody but him; that Don had agreed to an open marriage as far as Joe was concerned.

I've been doing a wonderful meditation from the Meditation Station Podcast by Stin Hansen, about visualizing your perfect relationship. It's helping me be MUCH more secure and sure of myself around Joe. Previously I've been insecure and jealous. I've done the meditation three times so far, and things are so much happier for me.

A Waste of $60

Went to dinner (The Taj Indian buffet, $30) and a movie (The Sharp Edge, $30) with Joe last night. It was a waste of money and time. I didn't get much pleasure out of any of it. He managed to squeeze in an insult ("You're a freak") and say he didn't want to be in Don's shoes. I can't help thinking that he only wants to play at love. I'm never going to get that epic passionate love, am I?