Wednesday, October 1, 2003
We had an Oktoberfest party at work and I had a very nice time talking with the other people at our table. I held my own and had things to say. Makes a nice change!
Today was a good day, a happy day. On days like this I feel like I've got things figured out and I wonder how I ever could have been down.
Kendall and Rhiannon rode with me into town this morning. It's so funny the way they tease each other. They do it like boys do, calling each other names as a sign of affection. "You're stupid." "You're ugly." "You smell bad." After these simple ones they get creative. They are both happy and it's very amusing to listen to. I don't allow them to tease Michaela this way though. She does not think it is funny. She takes it personally and gets angry and hurt. They aren't allowed to say those things to me, either.
Don's been working the past few days. Apparently he's got a job up at Bill's. He's not working so that he can help meet the family's expenses, however. He's working so he can pay his own bills. He has to pay his fuel bill and for storage for the many many car parts that he owns. I wish he cared whether his kids had enough to eat. I'm angry every day and I'll always be angry. It angers me that he lives at home like an overgrown teenager with no responsiblities to anyone but himself.
Thursday, October 2, 2003
Nice day. I enjoy life. Now, how can I ratchet the excitement level up a couple notches? To do that, I need someone to do things with. Life is exciting with Rhiannon because she enjoys life and likes having fun. I can't have fun with my husband; he's pretty much a stick in the mud. Around me, anyway. He does like hanging with his friends. Tonight he stayed up at Bill's for three hours after work; came home at 9:00 happy. When he walks in the house with a smile on his face it usually means he's stoned. He's generally not too happy otherwise.
Rhiannon and I watched Spanish for Gringos, a fun little beginning Spanish video. Kendall heard us laughing and shouting and came out to join the fun. Afterward, Rhiannon and I recited poetry at one another. She won 'cause she's got Dr. Seuss's The Lorax memorized while I could only think of "In Flanders Fields" and the beginnings of "Xanadu" and "The Cremation of Sam McGee."
I did not push myself to talk to people at work today. I stayed in my cubbie.
Saturday, October 4, 2003
I woke up this morning thinking 'Man, life sucks when you don't have any friends.' It'd be great to go hang out somewhere, go explore the area, but who do I do it with? I have always had a hard time making friends because I'm shy. The friends that I have made I haven't kept up with. I got busy being a mom and I let other relationships go. Now here I am, the kids almost grown, ready to enter the world of adults again but I've got no one.
Sometimes I think 'I can do this, I can make new friends.' Other times I think it is hopeless. Like I said, I've never been good at it. I don't really know how.
On a different note, I took Kendall, Michaela and Michaela's friend Annie to an SCA lampworking workshop. We had the best time. Lampwork is working with glass over a flame. You heat up the end of a glass cane till it's molten then fashion it into something. We made beads by wrapping the glass around a metal rod. Michaela loved it and wants to buy a lampworking kit, on special now for $99 at Hobby Lobby. She'll sell handmade beaded bracelets to her friends. I think it's a great idea.
Sunday, October 5, 2003
Rhiannon went with me to Albertson's when we went to pick up her prescription. The store was having a special on Celestial Seasonings tea -- ten boxes for ten dollars. Rhiannon went crazy throwing box after box into our cart. We bought around 20 boxes. She loves that tea.
Later we went to Grandpa's. He had a birthday gift to give Michaela so we had a small informal belated birthday celebration for her. We also watched the Monk show we had taped on Friday. What a great show that is.
Back home, I finished my drawing homework while Don watched the Cubs/Braves game. He said," Do you know that 42% of women are sexually dysfunctional?" I said I wondered how many men are abusive. Then he talked about how women won't give sex unless they are given things, like diamond rings and vacation cruises. They have what men need, he said, but they won't give it unless men spend money on them. I wonder what he's talking about. Does he mean he's met someone but she's holding out on him? Or is he referring to me? We're not having sex but it is not diamond rings I want. It is financial contribution to the family. Currently his contribution is zero dollars a month. Meanwhile he thinks all I care about is money. What a clueless idiot. What I care about is keeping a roof over our heads and food in our stomachs. It is impossible for me to be sexually attracted to a man who would let the bank take away our house.
We're not having sex because 1) his eyes glaze over when I put more than two sentences together, 2) he despises me for my weaknesses, 3) every now and then he blows up and tells me how awful I am, and 4) he flat out refuses to provide for his family. Oh, and also 5) he doesn't like our children all that much. They annoy him.
I suppose I should have taken him aside to talk but talks are so painful these days that I avoid them.
Anyway, the kids and I stayed up late reading poetry to one another and talking. I cried while reading Amy Lowell's Patterns. I cry whenever anything's the least bit sentimental. My kids are probably very tired of it, poor dears. Have I mentioned that they are great kids and I am crazy about them? If only they'd keep their rooms clean.
Monday, October 6, 2003
I popped in to see Rhiannon at the thrift store where she works and she told me the most encouraging story. Apparently, the other day when I went over to pick up her giant potted plant, some gentleman saw me, thought I was hot and asked who I was and if I had a boyfriend. Cool, huh? It's so nice to know someone was attracted to me. No messing around for me, though; I'm married. (Joe was a fluke that won't happen again.)
I am having the worst time remembering to put up my parking permit. I have received six tickets so far this year. My employer will forgive three a year then we're on our own. In addition to being forgetful, I've been very lax about getting the tickets taken care of and so today they towed my car. It was tremendously inconvenient and expensive too: $130 for the towing/impound fee and $80 for the tickets. I think I'll cancel the permit and start taking the bus. The bus pass is a free employee benefit while the permit costs $35/month. It will take me six months to make back the money I spent today. I only wish there were someone to blame besides myself.
Don was mostly helpful during this crisis. He drove me up to Parking Services. Once there he lost his temper and called me a bitch because -- I'm not really sure why. I called him an asshole and reminded him of the time he told the bank officer to fuck off.
Rhiannon came home at eleven -- her curfew -- and she and I and Kendall sat on my bed chatting about the day while I scratched their backs. Decompressing, I call it.
Tuesday, October 7, 2003
Went up to SCA fighter practice to pick up our lampwork beads. I just don't think the SCA is for me. More and more I am coming to think it's ridiculous to dress up and pretend to be someone you're not. I wouldn't be embarrassed to be seen doing other things I enjoy -- ice skating, dancing, playing the violin, horseback riding -- but I am definitely embarrassed to be seen dressed in garb.
It's kind of funny I feel this way. I was so excited about it at the beginning: excited about making garb, excited about cooking medieval food, excited about learning songs to sing in bardic circle. And look how many times I've taken the kids camping this year -- three! And I never took them camping before.
Thursday, October 9, 2003
Don did some work around the house today for a change. He did a bit of laundry, washed some of the dishes and mowed the lawn. Now that I'm writing I see it wasn't that much. I do that much every Saturday. Well, okay, I don't mow the lawn. But I do groceries and laundry and oversee chores and take the kids clothes shopping and make lunches and dinners.
Just half a year ago I was crazy in love with Joe. I wanted him so badly. When he spoke, my troubles were bearable. But now I'm disgusted. I feel like I was lied to and you know what? I also lied to myself.
Friday, October 10, 2003
Hey, that cute guy from the down the hall just walked by my office. He's a doll and it gives me a mild thrill to see him. Unfortunately he only works Fridays now so I don't get that thrill much.
Saturday, October 11, 2003
I always stuggle to keep the dark away. It's always right there, just below the surface, ready to seep through.
Maybe I should let it.
What is life all about? I don't want to get older and older and then die without knowing.
Sunday, October 12, 2003
Very very difficult day. Don and I had a painful fight.
Apparently everything I do is tremendously annoying. I don't know how the guy can stand me. I start things and don't finish them. I haven't hemmed the curtains and that angers him. I don't wipe out the sink when I've finished washing dishes. I do things that don't matter like making garb for the SCA. I like fiction and he thinks it's ridiculous. I'm doing a horrible job with the kids.
He doesn't like talking to me; I don't know what to say to him; I'm too quiet. I'm too flighty. Nothing about me is good. I'm dumb and stupid. I don't belong in society. I can't keep the house neat. I'll never get anywhere in life. I don't have any friends, I don't know how to have friends. And a person who doesn't have friends is a hopeless loser. That's me. A hopeless loser. But I don't like people anyway so what does it matter. They scare me. Deep down I'm afraid of people.
And the kids. They don't keep their rooms neat or do anything constructive and of course that reflects on me as a mother. I'm a failure as a mother. The one thing I love most in the world I'm failing at.
You know what? I don't think that life has any meaning. There's only one purpose at all that I can see and that is loving relationships. And since I don't have those and never will because I'm not capable of them then there is no reason for me to live, is there? I think I'll end it all when the girls have grown and gone. They won't need me anymore; they probably won't even love me anymore. They will probably despise me for my faults the way their daddy does. Like I did with my mother. I resented her because she didn't love me.
He said he was going to leave as soon as he had the money. He said I don't care about him. He said I never loved him. Not true. What is true is that I have been in self-preservation mode these past five or six years, brought about by his verbal abuse, heavy criticism and financial abandonment. He probably doesn't think those things are bad enough for me to be upset about. He thinks I should forgive and forget.
Tuesday, October 14, 2003
Don and I are being civil, even friendly, toward one another. I think our fight scared us both. We haven't talked about the issues raised. We never do. That's our pattern and a very unhealthy one it is.
Wednesday, October 15, 2003
Boy was I wrong. We're not better. He has been being nice but it's not because he doesn't want us to break up. I went down to talk to him last night, something I usually don't do because I'm prefer to avoid confrontation, especially confrontation that is likely to be very painful for me, the way talks with Don usually are.
He was honest. And right. He said we don't have the same goals so why should we stay together. Good point. I have to admit I thought that myself. Then we went on to discuss some of the ways I have failed and how our problems are all my fault. Pretty standard stuff. That's generally what our talks consist of. He's not interested in my side.
Also, he said I'm supposed to tell him to back off when he starts having one of his tantrums instead of letting him rant on and on about how much he doesn't like me. So when he rips me to shreds, that's my fault too.
He's right about the goals thing. We don't have the same goals. He wouldn't tell me what his are, but I know right now that they don't interest me and I don't want to work by his side helping him reach them. Neither do my goals interest him. Further, we have little in common and don't enjoy the same things.
So how did we get together in the first place? Because he took it into his head that he wanted me. He pursued me relentlessly until I gave in. Twice he suggested we go steady but I turned him down because I didn't think we were right for each other. He kept after me until I was convinced that he loved me and that we could work through our differences.
Now, 20 years later, my dreams of a strong spiritually-centered family are shriveled and dead.
Thursday, October 16, 2003
God, I am so angry. I am angry at Don's ridiculous persistance and inability to take no for an answer. It has ruined my life. Here I am, 20 years later, having to rebuild because he wouldn't go away when I told him to. 20 years lost.
Today is a really really bad day for me. Lots of tears. No reason to live. Thoughts of suicide. I am a complete non-entity so it doesn't really matter. No wonder I have such difficulties with social issues. There's no one here.
Parent/teacher conferences this evening. Kendall is doing well with A's in most of her classes. Michaela is doing poorly. D's and F's in most of hers. She has many missing assignments. Her teachers said she'd be getting A's if not for that. I've made up a list of the missing stuff. She has one week to get it completed then she loses all computer privileges.
After a difficult and emotional day, the evening turned out well. I saw several people I knew at parent/teacher conferences -- Carly's mom, Laurel's parents, Alice Thomason. I enjoyed catching up with them and I learned an important lesson -- it feels so good to have known people for a long time. As the years go by, we should be accumulating friends. I'll say that again so it sinks into my anti-social brain: As the years go by, we should be accumulating friends.
I'll tell you a secret, after which you can despise me for being such a loser: I want people to like me but I'm afraid of them and I don't have any friends. That's my deepest darkest secret that I don't tell anybody. I want people to like me but I'm afraid of them and I don't have any friends. I wish I had a husband that was sympathetic to me and helped me overcome my difficulties, not a mean one like the one I have now.
Saturday and Sunday, October 18-19, 2003
I began work on the High School Steppingstone Period in my Intensive Journal. I am so thankful that I saved my journals from that time. I've been re-reading them and am surprised that things are different than I remember. I remember myself as being a shy timid little mouse who scarcely spoke to anyone. The truth is not nearly so awful. I actually did have friends and I did have some excitement. Yes, I was too shy to talk to Dennis and Mike and that's too bad, especially considering the crushes I had on them and they on me. But I had friends in the form of Kendra and Gro and Carleen and Carrie. I was probably too self-conscious and low in self-esteem to be a really good friend to them, but I wasn't completely lonely and out in the cold.
Monday, October 20, 2003
Except for the lesson, art class today was excellent. The teacher did a very poor job of explaining negative space but luckily I have had that lesson before. The examples she showed did nothing to clarify the concept and her critique of our work at the end also praised pen and ink work and the use of value. I'm happy to report that my work, a white basket with flowers against a black background, was praised as a good example of positive and negative space.
Tuesday, October 21, 2003
I am having the most wonderful time reading my old journals. I wasn't so scared and friendless as I thought. I feel strong and happy.
I'm constantly angry with Don because he won't get a steady job. Michaela needs glasses -- that will cost several hundred dollars. Christmas is coming up -- several hundred more dollars. College expenses are right around the corner. I'm angry all the time.
Thursday, October 23, 2003
A bit of a mix-up this evening with picking up Kendall from school. Tonight was the school's Art and Music Extravaganza. Kendall was there showcasing her current art project -- a bowl of fruit with faces. Don agreed to pick her up at 8:45. She called me after school to ask if she could sleep over at a friend's instead of coming home. She wouldn't need a ride home after all. I couldn't get ahold of Don to relay this info; he had disappeared for the evening. I ended up having to go up to the school myself to head him off. I hung around for about 45 minutes walking the halls, looking outside, listening to the program and talking to Kendall. He never showed so we finally left, she to her friend's and me home. What's weird is that he came home at 10:30 and said he'd been waiting up there for her for an hour and a half. Turns out he never came inside. He spent the time hiking around on the trails outside the school. He figured Kendall would look through the parking lot for his car and thereby know he had arrived. How does that make sense as a way to pick someone up?
My latest negative space project, Sunset with Aspens, turned out pretty good. I masked out the aspens then covered the paper thickly with crayon, using an iron to set the wax. (Note to self: use a very low setting next time since crayon melts so quickly.)
Sad news: my paternal grandmother Nanna is dying. She's in a hospital down in Dade County, Florida, with her daughter my aunt. She has fluid build-up in her lungs and is expected to go at any time. She'll be buried here in Colorado next to my mother. My father is flying down today.
Friday, October 24, 2003
You know, I really like my job. I enjoy working on HTML. It's not really difficult or technical so I betray my lack of ambition in confessing my enjoyment of it but there it is. I do enjoy it.
SCA monthly revel tonight. I wasn't going to go, as I've decided not to do SCA anymore. However, Briana called and asked me to be the liaison for the conference room. No one else could do it; I was their last hope. So of course I said yes. Kendall came with me and together we worked on her Halloween costume. She's making a big bunny suit. I went over and made conversation with a few people, but the only one to come over to talk to us was our baron. Those people just aren't friendly. Kendall made an interesting comment -- she said they seemed like the immature kids at high school.
Saturday, October 25, 2003
Don did a lot of chores around the house today. Pretty unusual. He probably felt he was doing me a favor rather than doing his job. We're getting along okay. We still don't talk, so things probably seem better than they really are.
Sunday, October 26, 2003
I'm having a wonderful time working in my Intensive Journal. Today's realization was somewhat depressing, unfortunately. I realized I haven't changed much since high school. Sure, I'm more competent in several areas, but deep down I'm still the same person. I'm still afraid, still lonely yet reluctant to connect, still kinda lazy, still watching the excitement happen instead of making it happen. I desperately need to change, but how?
Wednesday, October 29, 2003
I've decided to contact my old philosophy professor. Perhaps he can tell me What It's All About. I hope he is doing well.
I think I would like a divorce. Life with Don is bleak.
Art class was good. I'm doing well in there, both artistically and socially. People listen when I talk. I told a short story, favorably received, about the time I saw Michelangelo's Pieta.
