I was doing it wrong

Kendall's double bed wouldn't fit in the car, so Joe very kindly drove it and me up to Ft. Collins. He was distant and closed the entire time. He doesn't like talking while driving, at least not to me. I imagine his other girlfriends chattered happily on and on.

I did manage to find out what went wrong last Saturday when he changed his mind about being intimate. Apparently I wasn't touching him right -- he had wanted me to focus on one area rather than massaging more widely as I was doing. He said I wasn't being receptive and he didn't want to have to keep pushing for it. Something like that. What a bunch of crock. He never said a word at the time, not even when I asked. Not receptive?!?! How dare he make that my fault. Fuck that shit. I need to be able to trust him. I can't be wondering if he's about to shut me out. Now I know for sure that if I make a misstep during sex he will. I'm not going to touch him ever again. It's not worth it.

I loved him so much. And it's only ever been painful.

Webkinz: Three Wishing Wells!

I got three wishing wells today in the Wishing Well 2 game. I was wondering if they ever let you get that. Note my score before the $1000 windfall -- not much.

Work is hard

I am doing an extremely poor job at work. It is taking me FOREVER to figure out a CSS solution for a site I'm working on -- hours and hours and hours longer than estimated.

I am not as weepy as I was yesterday. Also, I've decided not to go down to see Joe at night until he asks. I was politely asked to leave the last two times; I just don't feel like going three for three.

It's not healthy

to need him this much, want him this much, be so insecure about him, be so unhappy when things go wrong, to think about him day and night. It might be better to cut it off. The relationship used to make me happy but I'm not any more. I'm not a better person. My world hasn't opened up. It's closed.

People want to be heard. I don't ever get to be heard. Ever. Not when I was little, not now that I am big. I don't get to talk. I don't get to be listened to. That's the cross I have to bear; that and always being afraid.

Joe took me motorcycling on Thursday and sailing on Saturday. I usually feel like I can't hang out with him since I don't hang out with my husband, and why should my boyfriend get more than my husband does? But I realized this morning that my husband chooses and has always chosen to be away from me. He's always preferred to go to work on the weekends over doing something with me. He's always hated 'recreating.' He's always had something to say to his male friends but nothing to say to me. He used to talk on the phone to Glenn for half an hour at a time. These days he chats happily with Joe in the morning and chats happily with Joe again at night. So I'm going to stop feeling like I owe him something.

J and I had something of an anniversary on Saturday -- the second anniversary of our first time. We were going to celebrate with more intimacy but somehow it fell through at the last minute. More accurately: the last second. There I was in a lacy sheer black nightie but I did something wrong (no idea what; maybe I was too aggressive) and he decided he'd rather go to sleep instead so I had to leave.

I took Kendall up to Ft. Collins yesterday and installed her in her new apartment. She's got a sweet little one bedroom just a block from campus. Classes start today. I bought her a bunch of groceries. I hope she was warm enough last night. College textbook prices are a complete scam.

Life is so much better for me when I'm by myself, walking with my dogs by the creek while listening to my iPod and thinking about divine spirit and the oneness of all things. I'm not afraid when I'm by myself. I wish I wasn't such a loser at social situations.

I am so weepy and emotional right now. I must be getting my period.

Life Update

Rhiannon is going to Georgia to spend Labor Day with her husband. That ticket cost $800 bucks. They are still in their honeymoon period so you gotta spend that kinda money. I'd spend it to go see Joe, but then we're still in our honeymoon period too. Speaking of that, tomorrow is the second anniversary of when we first 'did it,' though we didn't become a couple till more than a year later.

Kendall starts at CSU next week. She's found a cute little place to stay in for only $350/mo. It's been a lot of fun having her and her boyfriend Xach around. I'll miss them when they are gone.

Michaela keeps to herself these days. I think we all exasperate her. Can't blame her there really. She's taking a couple classes at the local community college, but not really working toward a degree. She enjoys her job as a waitress and is getting pretty good at it.

Joe took me out motorcycling yesterday at lunch. We went up Coal Creek Canyon to Wondervue and had lunch at a little restaurant he knew up there. He knows this whole area really well, having studied topo maps and explored it all. We came back via the Gross Reservoir road; saw deer, almost hit a chipmunk, etc. The sky was so blue!

The positive side of negative emotions

Rev. Sky of Unity Church of Hawaii did an excellent sermon on the gifts we get from the so-called negative emotions. I'm happy to say that I knew the flip side already. It was wonderful to hear someone articulate them; it made me more aware.

The upside of anger is power. Which is why I've always loved my anger.
The upside of fear is affirmation of life and of self. You are worth protecting; your fear wants to do just that.
The upside of grief is awareness of the preciousness of the moment. When you are experiencing loss, you are made more keenly aware of how wonderful each moment had been.

So what's the positive side of jealousy? Maybe it's the way it encourages me to keep from putting all my eggs in one basket; to cultivate other relationships.

And what's the downside of love? Probably the way it makes you stupid.

I should stop cultivating love and start cultivating anger, fear and grief. And jealousy.

Doing the Work

Joe should not fall in love with anyone else.
Is this true? Yes
Can I know that this is true? Okay, it's true for me. Maybe not for him. He should do what's best for him.
How do I feel when I believe this thought? I feel awful about both the thought and the opposite thought.
Turn it around:
1. Joe should fall in love with someone else.
- If he needs to, he should.
2. I should fall in love with someone else.
- This thought gives me hope. It won't be the end of the world if he leaves me.
3. I should not fall in love with someone else.
- I can stay in unrequited love forever if I need to.

Jealousy, the green-eyed monster, rears its ugly head once again

Joe spent a large portion of Saturday with Erica and her kid again, just like he did last weekend, and just like last weekend I was jealous. It was much worse this time, though. Last weekend it was tough. This time it was huge, tremendous and overwhelming. I felt childish and small for feeling jealous again, but I'll tell ya, Saturday night was one of the worst nights of my life. I spent most of Sunday trying to cope with the feelings, which I did by 1) absenting myself from home, 2) meditating, breathing and listening to spiritual talks, and 3) spending time with Mary and her kids. These things helped. I didn't want to go to bed angry again, though, so I went down to see him after everyone had gone to bed. I said what I needed to say. "It hurts to love you, baby"; "Are you going to play Brady Bunch with Erica on the weekends now?"; "I wish you were mine." He reassured me yet again in a very intense and loving episode.

He's gone

Rhiannon's husband Zac has gone. He graduated from training at the beginning of this month. August 9th he left for his duty station. Rumor has it he'll be deployed to Iraq in February, to return in August. "What will he do there?" I asked. "Play video games like all the rest of the marines," said Rhiannon. So I guess he'll be okay. She's rattling around, not sure what to do with herself. I get to talk to her more, but I'm a poor substitute. Bless my baby, God.

I guess I saved his life

itshercandy: are you online?
will: yes
itshercandy: just checking
itshercandy: Sorry about the long lunch. My housemate just had a diabetic incident.
will: Hope everyone is ok
itshercandy: He called at 12:30 to tell me his blood sugar had just tested really low. I guess he just wanted someone to know.
itshercandy: So I went over and it's lucky I did because he hadn't managed to stop the downward slide.
itshercandy: He was practically ...
itshercandy: well, he was conscious but unresponsive
itshercandy: so I forced him to sit up and drink the sugar water I had brought
itshercandy: and after a while he got better
itshercandy: so that's one trip to the emergency room averted
will: I'm glad you were there to help
itshercandy: it was actually fairly scary
itshercandy: 'cause I had to pick him up like a baby and hold him while I held the bottle to his lips
itshercandy: so then I stayed with him for a while after that

Another Trip to ER, this one not necessary

But the customer was scared, and so were the other guys.

He had a low blood sugar incident while with a customer. The customer went to Wolfsburg Autowerks, got Jim King and Mark Cervelli, who gave him sugar and took him to the emergency room. The ER people recognized him; said his forehead was healing very nicely.

I can't blame the guys for being scared, but really all they had to do was wait half an hour for the sugar to take effect.

Baby. If I've only gonna get a few years with you, I want to make them really good. Let's go out with a bang.

All Better

See what love does to me? It turns me into a jealous unreasonable crazy person. He reassured me in a way that I found believable. He looks at me and lets his heart show in his face.

I'm listening to Gordon Lightfoot's album Don Quixote. Folk is good but this particular instance is a little bit corny, though the guitar work is absolutely excellent.

Accusation

We went down to the family room for an early dinner. When we leaned together to kiss, I was shocked to smell pussy, and so I said, "You totally smell like pussy." He said maybe it was his armpits; he hadn't showered yet. Come on -- BO doesn't smell like 'down there' plus it was his face I was next to, not his pits. It couldn't have been the chicken, could it? And remember the other day when I saw hair comb in his van? Do I ask him if he's been cheating on me? And then do I believe him if he says no? An accusation of infidelity is the same as a judgment of guilty. I believe he would, if it were easy. And so many girls make it easy.

Oh look, he's calling. I've already decided I won't pick up. There, he didn't leave a message. That's probably the last time he'll call. He's not one to grovel.

Pictures are running through my head -- his face between her legs; her sitting in the passenger seat laughing. She wants the same thing I want -- connection.

Shania Twain's "Whose Bed Have Your Boots Been Under?" is helping me 'cause it asks the questions I'm thinking without being maudlin and sad. "Whose bed have your boots been under, and whose heart did you steal I wonder? This time did it feel like thunder, baby. Who do you run to? Whose lips have you been kissing, and whose ear did you make a wish in? Is she the one that you've been missing, baby.

He called again. And then again. I picked up on the third time. "Are you mad at me?" he asked. "Is it because of American Gladiators?" So I asked if he had another girl on the side, and we talked about it. He said no. He said he couldn't believe I'd think that. Then he said he'd love to cuddle with American Gladiator's Helga. So that wasn't much of a help. No 'I love only you forever.'

I hate wanting him so much; I hate needing him so much. I want to take a break. I'd rather break up than ask him to be different.

Yet Another DKA Incident

He kept his sugar a bit on the high side these last two weeks so as not to risk passing out again. This lead to another bout of Diabetic Ketoacidosis on Saturday. He was throwing up and hiccupping all night Saturday. We recognized it right away for what it was and were able to self-treat rather than going to the emergency room. Last year we had no idea and so wasted two days being sick. This time we started extra insulin right away. I slept downstairs and got up every hour or so to sit with him. It was difficult to keep him hydrated because he'd throw it right back up. The vomiting subsided Sunday morning, and the hiccupping stopped a few hours later.