It's not healthy

to need him this much, want him this much, be so insecure about him, be so unhappy when things go wrong, to think about him day and night. It might be better to cut it off. The relationship used to make me happy but I'm not any more. I'm not a better person. My world hasn't opened up. It's closed.

People want to be heard. I don't ever get to be heard. Ever. Not when I was little, not now that I am big. I don't get to talk. I don't get to be listened to. That's the cross I have to bear; that and always being afraid.

Joe took me motorcycling on Thursday and sailing on Saturday. I usually feel like I can't hang out with him since I don't hang out with my husband, and why should my boyfriend get more than my husband does? But I realized this morning that my husband chooses and has always chosen to be away from me. He's always preferred to go to work on the weekends over doing something with me. He's always hated 'recreating.' He's always had something to say to his male friends but nothing to say to me. He used to talk on the phone to Glenn for half an hour at a time. These days he chats happily with Joe in the morning and chats happily with Joe again at night. So I'm going to stop feeling like I owe him something.

J and I had something of an anniversary on Saturday -- the second anniversary of our first time. We were going to celebrate with more intimacy but somehow it fell through at the last minute. More accurately: the last second. There I was in a lacy sheer black nightie but I did something wrong (no idea what; maybe I was too aggressive) and he decided he'd rather go to sleep instead so I had to leave.

I took Kendall up to Ft. Collins yesterday and installed her in her new apartment. She's got a sweet little one bedroom just a block from campus. Classes start today. I bought her a bunch of groceries. I hope she was warm enough last night. College textbook prices are a complete scam.

Life is so much better for me when I'm by myself, walking with my dogs by the creek while listening to my iPod and thinking about divine spirit and the oneness of all things. I'm not afraid when I'm by myself. I wish I wasn't such a loser at social situations.

I am so weepy and emotional right now. I must be getting my period.