Webkinz W

Look what I found in the Barking Mad mine today!

Update on the friends sob story from below: In just the two days since I invented Katie, I've been doing much better with real people. Somehow having her gives me a lot of confidence. I've done things I never do -- yesterday I insisted on not being interrupted instead of letting people talk over me like I usually do.

I don't have any friends!

It's true. I don't. I am afraid of people. That makes me not like them. When I was in elementary school I used to cry that to my mother. I wonder if she was secretly glad. I don't think she liked me all that much. Just yesterday, though, I was inspired by a PostSecret postcard to create an imaginary friend. So I did! Her name is Katie and she is exactly like me. I'm not creating a friend who has qualities that I don't have. I don't need that. I want someone exactly like me -- moody, funny-looking, socially awkward, etc.

Also, I'll try to pay more attention to people who ARE nice to me. So far today Kevin L talked to me about his garden; Vicki C. and I had a longish chat about technology; Sam S. told me about a band he thought I'd like.

And have I mentioned lately that my boyfriend is wonderful?

Michaela's Birthday!

She turned 19 on Sunday. I made a Black Forest cake and we had a small party. Kendall and boyfriend Xach came over along with friend Cheyenne. Don got her a couple silly presents. I usually give one large present and supplement the pile with a bunch of small nutty things from the Salvation Army but this year I didn't. Honestly, I forgot to. My dog Bandit and my boyfriend Joe are taking up all my mind.

It was a nice weekend. We rented the new Speed Racer movie and greatly enjoyed it, in defiance of the critics. Joe and daughter L took me sailing on Saturday after which I drove up to Ft. Collins to retrieve Kendall. Sunday I took the dogs to Dry Creek Trail and later to Coal Creek Trail.

Also, Joe told me his desire for me has increased over time. I'm finally getting what I wanted more than anything -- his heart. Honestly I'm not sure what to do with it.

Polyamory

What a week! Joe had another low blood sugar incident on Sunday and I got to nurse him through that. The diabetes and its complications have been a good thing for our relationship because we get to be emotionally close. He cried afterwords and said it hurt to love me. It's been a hard week for him because Don and I had been doing a lot of talking and laughing together, and it looked like we were getting our marriage back on track. He thought he didn't have a girlfriend anymore. I told him the truth about everything -- that I'm not really a poly girl; that I don't want to have sex with anybody but him; that Don had agreed to an open marriage as far as Joe was concerned.

I've been doing a wonderful meditation from the Meditation Station Podcast by Stin Hansen, about visualizing your perfect relationship. It's helping me be MUCH more secure and sure of myself around Joe. Previously I've been insecure and jealous. I've done the meditation three times so far, and things are so much happier for me.

A Waste of $60

Went to dinner (The Taj Indian buffet, $30) and a movie (The Sharp Edge, $30) with Joe last night. It was a waste of money and time. I didn't get much pleasure out of any of it. He managed to squeeze in an insult ("You're a freak") and say he didn't want to be in Don's shoes. I can't help thinking that he only wants to play at love. I'm never going to get that epic passionate love, am I?

In Memoriam: September 11

To those we lost,
and those we love,
and those who watch down from above
and those who weep
and those who cried:
those who loved and mourned and died.
In memory we say our prayers
for worries, sorrows, hurts, and cares.

Written by my daughter Rhiannon

Now What?

A long story short: My husband found out I was being unfaithful. Now we are deciding whether we want to stay together. It's really opened up the lines of communication and friendship -- might be the best thing that ever happened to us. We're talking about why it happened, what it's been like for us in the last 20 years, etc etc.

And what do I want? I wanted an epic and passionate relationship with Joe.
What does Joe want? I've no idea.

Divorce

Don and I have had a couple good talks about the situation. We've admitted -- without tears! -- that we haven't been right for each other since Day One. Let me say that I knew that back then; I turned him down two times because of it. But he was really persistent and so I thought that maybe we could make it after all. Now, 24 years later, we're facing the truth. We've had some really good times and some really really awful times.

I'm glad it's gonna be over. We're both happier. We aren't going to change our living situation. What might change is my relationship with Joe -- it might be over as well. You know what a roller coaster it has been for me, so you can probably understand my feeling of relief about this as well.

Low Blood Sugar again

Don knows.

So the truth all came out last night in a very quiet way. Don found out for sure (he's suspected for a while) that Joe and I are having an affair, and immediately found himself in the position of having to help his competitor.

Don had wondered where we were. He looked everywhere except Joe's bedroom, where we were having sex. Later he asked where we were and if we were having sex. I admitted to it.

At 1:30 a.m. Don woke me up to say that Joe was moaning, then went to the back porch where oddly enough Michaela was smoking a cigarette. I went downstairs to Joe's bedroom where I found him sitting on the floor at the foot of the bed, trying to speak but only able to make noises, very confused, and drenched with sweat, as soaked as if he'd fallen in the river. I administered with difficulty a vial of glucose gel. He's very strong and very heavy and it's hard to make him do something he doesn't want to do. He didn't want to take glucose, he wanted to test his blood sugar. I told him I had tested it and it was low. He understood. I gave him another vial which he took willingly. He got better. I made him take a third one mixed with juice. That third one was waaaaay too much. At 2:15 his sugar tested at 315. I changed his soaking wet sheets for dry ones then went to bed myself but couldn't sleep for a long time, knowing I had saved him only to kill him with ketones. I think I finally drifted off around 4:00 a.m.

Advice from Post Secret

"Free your secrets and become who you are." said Frank of Post Secret.

Thank you God, thank you Universe, thank you Divine Spirit, for this advice.

Don knows now. It's out in the open. He asked right out and I told him the truth.

What does the future hold? I don't know; but I do think it's important to be very very honest with myself and with both of them. If it all blows up then it blows up.

The importance of being mean

He responds well to me being mean. Sunday night we sat down to watch a movie together, just the two of us 'cause Don was too tired. J and I usually take the opportunity to cuddle but this time I rebuffed him strongly. We spent Monday together, it being a holiday, and he was very nice to me -- asked me if I still loved him in the morning, said he loved me, invited me to go with him to Boulder during the day, worried about me when I still wasn't home from Ft. Collins by 11:00p.m. We also talked a little about my concerns of being kicked out of bed for "doing it wrong." So now we're better.