K.D. Lang

is fantastic! I've got her on my iPod with headphones. Somehow, having her crooning directly into my ears is really bringing out her incredible voice. I wish I could sing like her.

It's not really so bad

I spent Thursday and Friday and Saturday crying my eyes out because Don and Joe are so happy together and there isn't any room for me. It was an over-reaction on my part as all of my excessively emotional reactions have been. I should be aware of that by now -- crying means I'm over-reacting. Things look much better now, much more sunny. I've had some nice private time with both of them, and nice together time too. Last week Joe invited me on a motorcycle ride. Thankfully I had something else to do. I was much too emotional last week and it would not have been a good time to see him. I'm feeling much happier and more confident this week, and happily he extended the invitation again. It's beautiful outside - the aspens are turning gold, the leaves swirl down in the breeze. I shut my eyes to better feel the wind rushing past, the bike rumbling beneath us, his body in front of me, and thought how nice it was to be with someone so good at this. He braked suddenly but smoothly and I saw a buck deer crossing in front of us. See, that's just what I'm talking about, I thought. After our ride we went in the van for some cuddling. Thus I got to be in his arms again. The last time was in July, right before the hospitalization incident.

Things to do after hours

There are all kinds of things I can do to occupy myself between 5:00 and 7:30.

• See a movie
• Go shopping
• Go hiking
• Walk on Pearl Street Mall
• Go to Borders bookstore like Rhiannon and I used to do
• Stay in the office and work on my training
• Conduct art research at the college library
• Work on my art project here in the office
• Work on my photo blog
• Wander about the campus
• Attend campus events
• Cultivate a life on-line, esp. keeping up with long-distance friends and the JCMG which I have long neglected

I'm homeless now. I've nowhere to go. I have to make the city my home, the way I learned to in New York, and concentrate more on friends and career, both fairly neglected.

Home isn't home any more

Don is totally ga-ga over Joe. Don is so happy now. He whistles around the house. He spends long periods of time smoking, laughing, and shooting the breeze with Joe. Don used to leave for work promptly each morning and pick up coffee on the way; now he makes a pot at home and hangs around drinking it and talking things over with Joe. Having J around just makes it more obvious how little D and I have in common, how little we have to say to each other. The dog is crazy about J as well. I find it impossible to maintain a happy light-hearted mood so I've decided to just stay away. I've been rushing home after work to cook dinner and then clean up. That's just silly.

The Technique of the Love Affair

I am reading the most incredible book -- "The Technique of the Love Affair" by a gentlewoman. Absolutely fabulous advice, much of which I deliberately ignored in my relationship with Joe. I had thought that since the relationship itself was so non-traditional perhaps I could dispense with traditional forms of behavior. I spent a year -- more than a year -- in tremendous pain. It turns out that traditional behavior is a wonderful emotional protector.

Some pithy truths: A man who is not chasing you is a man who is not interested. It is essential while in a love relationship to keep up your friends and your interests -- the man must never feel that he is indispensable to you. A man smothered in love becomes satiated and bored. When a guy learns that he is indispensable to you he will lose interest so you can't let him know that. Be friendly and sweet and light-hearted, but keep the attitude that you can take him or leave him.