All those things are happening that I've read about.

May 30 I check my phone to see if he's called or messaged. I wonder if he misses me. I keep hoping he doesn't think I let him down. Grief comes in waves. Having to face getting rid of his stuff. Not being able to breathe cuz airways close up. The huge hole Feeling the need to contact him. Starting to do the stuff I routinely did for him and then remembering it's not necessary any more Looking up and thinking you saw them Looking over to where they aften sat but it's empty Guild: He did not want to die. The dailyness of it: everyday I wake up and he's not there.

I did not know the hole would be this big

May 21. I feel like I betrayed him. But he wouldn't go by himself. I practically begged him to. I think I should not be this upset about the loss of a dog. He was only a dog. I don't griev random humans though, do i? It's the relationship that matters. I experienced an "I can't breathe" moment. I really could't breathe, though I was trying to. The airways closed up. He did not want to die. I could see it in his eyes.