Morning: I'm sitting down to breakfast in front of my computer. I've got melty Brie on crunchy rice cakes, juicy orange slices and a rich hot carob with steamed milk. The Astronauts are singing retro music on my CD player. Web sites beckon. It's a great morning!
Day: Kendall and her friend Dana pulled a funny April Fool's Day prank today. They scraped the white filling out of Oreos and replaced it with toothpaste. Then they went around school offering the cookies to all of their friends. They still had cookies when English class came around, so they placed the cookies on a plate for everyone to help themselves. Everyone did. They'd take a bite, then spit it out, yelling "What the hell is in these cookies?" It was great.
Evening: The family is assembling for Nan's funeral. Uncle Allen arrived today with Bonnie, Amanda and Kyle. We had a wonderful gourmet dinner at Dad's, prepared by Allen. Lots of talk, laughter and very good food.
Thursday, April 8, 2004
Archery practice this evening. I love these and today was a good one. Because I'm not so good with people sometimes, I pulled a Tarot card before I went to answer the question "What personality trait should I embody in order to be most successful tonight?" I drew the Hermit, which to me means, "Let your light shine." In addition, the Hermit is kind of "my card," that is, it represents me, both numerologically and in personality. Be yourself, said the Tarot. Don't try to be what you're not. Let who you are shine through. So I did and I had a wonderful time. I did fairly well shooting, too. I love this sport!
Tuesday, April 13, 2004
Did I tell you that Rhiannon ran up a huge medical bill while she was camping with the Rainbow Family? She contracted an ear infection, probably the second ear infection of her entire life, and of course she gets it while she's out traveling with people who don't do health care. They tried to cure it with natural remedies but it didn't respond to treatment. Finally she couldn't take the pain anymore and went to the Gila Regional Medical Center Emergency Room to see a doctor. The emergency room is where indigent people get their health care, and a very expensive place to get health care it is. The doctor was with her for fifteen minutes at most but still had no problem billing us $500.00. Fucking highway robbery. She gave them a fake name and SSN so I can't put it on my health insurance. The whole thing was giving me bad dreams -- not because I'm so incredibly honest, but because I didn't want to get in trouble or have Rhiannon get in trouble for skipping out on the bill. So anyway, she's going to pay me $25/month till it's paid back.
Wednesday, April 14, 2004
I've made a vow to draw every day this week. I'll never get better if I don't practice. So far, so good. It's incredible to see something come to life on paper.
I'm listening to an excellent country station just now. Great mix of new songs and oldies. I'm hearing some I haven't heard in years.
Weekend, April 17-18, 2004
I went to a seminar this weekend. It was about "The Work of Byron Katie" and was quite interesting. I went because I heard that this process uses "Inquiry" and "The Work" which are the same words that the Diamond Approach uses. I was hoping to learn the method in a much cheaper way than having to learn it at the Ridhwan Foundation. I've decided not to join the Foundation, by the way, because of the immense amount of money required. My alarm bells were going off. There's probably a scam in there somewhere. Religion should be free. I will, however, continue to read the books and perhaps follow this way on my own. But I'm not going to fork over thousands of dollars per year for the next ten years.
At Byron Katie's seminar I learned that there's another side to the beliefs that we hold true. We believe such things as "My dad is an asshole" or "My mother didn't love me or "I'll never get my emotional needs met" (my particular favorite). Then we filter everything we see through these beliefs. Katie taught us how to question our beliefs, to see them from a different perspective, and to replace them if necessary with beliefs that are more true. I have a lot to work through and so my journal will be very interesting in these coming months. I met a nice man named David who I hope to see again, friendship-wise. He was one of my partners during the facilitator/client sessions. Perhaps we'll meet at one of the inquiry circles in the area. I did not go intending to make any friends, however, and I pretty much kept to myself emotionally. All around me people were connecting and bonding, but I didn't let myself be a part of that. I figured I'd never see these people again, so why bother? (That's probably a belief that I should work through.)
The belief I was working on with David was "My husband should support his family." That can be turned around by saying, "I should support my family" or "His family should support my husband or "My husband shouldn't support his family"." Eye opening statements, the first two, as they do contain truth. I can't see the truth in the last statement unless I give up an underlying belief in the roles of men and women, of husbands and wives, of fathers and mothers.
Here are the four questions you ask of your belief when doing The Work:
- Is it true?
- Is it absolutely true?
- How do you react when you think that thought?
- Who would you be without the thought?
Monday, April 19, 2004
I purchased two more tarot decks, even though I said I wouldn't buy any. I bought "Tarot of the Cloisters" because I've always wanted it and Kendall encouraged me, and I bought "Tarot Prediction Deck" because it has pips for the minor arcana. I want a deck that le'ts me interpret the minor arcana the way I want to.
Pat at work and I had a nice talk about spiritual teachers. She was involved in the Diamond Approach for a little. She told me a little about Gurdjieff, who I will read. She would have gone to the Byron Katie's seminar if she'd known about it.
Tuesday, April 20, 2004
I bought a great book at lunch called "Six Ways of Being Religious." Not that I don't already have a lot of books to read. I need to find some medieval specialty, as well, so I have something to talk about with these medieval re-enactment people I hang around with sometimes.
Wednesday, April 21, 2004
"Six Ways of Being Religious" is incredible. Not only that, it goes for $55 on Amazon.com but I spent only $8 for it.
The six ways are:
- Way of Right Action
- Way of Sacred Right
- Way of Reasoned Inquiry
- Way of Mystical Quest
- Way of Shamanic Meditation
- Way of Devotion
Thursday, April 22, 2004
Oh for heaven's sake, guess who just called me. Joe. He was bored and wanted to chat. So we chatted. I guess that is what I get from him, isn't it? Calls when he needs to pass a bit of time. I had been wondering if and when he'd call. It has been such a struggle for me to get him out of my head. I think about him everyday, but want him to be gone forever! When I catch myself thinking of him, I give myself a slap on the arm in an attempt to associate pain with Joe. Not that I don't already have that association. My relationship with him has been nothing but pain.
Friday, April 23, 2004
Every now and then I think, "I've got to get a handle on this Freud guy. He's been such a big influence in the world of psychology" so I sit down to read his work, but I never get very far before I think, "I bet Freud abused his kids and slept with his clients as well, and he made up this big theory in order to justify his behavior."
An acquaintance showed me a paper he'd written analyzing Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets from a Freudian perspective. His analysis really turned my stomach. It was sick. "Too many flying dicks," as another acquaintance said.
It has been said that psychological theories are nothing more than personal confessions. If so, then Freud must have had huge sexual hang-ups. I wouldn't be surprised if it turned out that he engaged in deviant sexual behavior. I have become a Freud skeptic in a big way.
Sunday, April 25, 2004
Confirmation party for my niece Emily at her house. Tons of people, none of whom I knew. I wandered about feeling a bit panicked. I did manage to get a good conversation going with Emily's other grandpa, all about Cuba and cigars, quite interesting, really, and I was enjoying myself, but then Emily's mother Tess came over. She interrupted us and the flow never came back. I also tried to start a conversation with two gentlemen I was sitting next to while eating but it never really got anywhere. Tough crowd. Panic was descending on me, enveloping and overwhelming me. I was about to go home when my side of the family showed up. Hallelujah!
Wednesday, April 28, 2004
I'm in the middle of making a quiver and a new garb dress. Both are beautiful. Both are low-budget. The quiver is made of a mailing tube covered in red faux snakeskin from the Salvation Army. It is so beautiful it makes me drool. The garb is made from $1/yard navy and black stuff from Walmart that crinkled up along its length when washed. It's beautifully heavy, has a fantastic drape, and the crinkles give it some natural stretch. Plus it feels wonderful. I've put on a medieval-looking metal closure and cream silk sleeves, also from the Salvation Army. I'll wear the gown under a red tabard appliqued with a gold fleur-de-lys. I'd estimate the cost of the materials for this project at $10.
I don't know why I get so excited about making garb and going camping with the SCA. I don't really know anyone. Rhiannon, by the way, wants me to go to Pennsic with her this summer. It would be very fun and very expensive, what with plane tickets, car rental and eating out. I just might do it.
Thursday, April 29, 2004
Life is so great I can't even believe it. I spent the evening with my father and his girlfriend. (Did I mention that she looks just like my mother, may she rest in peace?) We had a wonderful time talking and joking. Later my uncle called from California. He's a great big guy who loves life in a great big way; it was great to hear from him. Dad and I got a lot done. While going through all the papers we found some old photos of people we've loved. We agreed, "It's been great. This life has been a good one."
Two newborn babies lay side by side in their hospital cribs. They looked at one another before they were taken away to their homes and families. Ninety years later, they again lay side by side in the hospital, this time on their death beds. One looked at the other and said, "So, what'd ya think?"I think it has been great. I think it has been worth it. Right this minute is worth it. It's snowing outside, classical music is on the boom box, and I've got a good job and a good weekend planned. And I'm wearing a Fred Flintstones tie.
Friday, April 30, 2004
I was the staff liaison for our SCA revel tonight. About ten people showed up. We made hobby horses, worked on various projects, and talked. I still get overcome with panic sometimes, even though I've been in the group for a year! I've GOT to overcome this! Too bad I don't know how. Anyway, I sat near the center of the circled tables, hemming my gown, laughing and making comments when appropriate. I didn't command much attention. Sometimes I wish I could think of something to say, but I just can't. It's my own fault. I haven't researched the Middle Ages or come up with any good stories to relate. One can't say anything when one has nothing to say, after all. The rule for social gatherings is PREPARE. It's a rule I usually break.
