Hospitalized

He took himself to Urgent Care on Tuesday because he was still vomiting and hiccupping. They failed to pinpoint the problem and released him. I took him back on Wednesday. They still couldn't figure out the problem so they sent him to the hospital in an ambulance. I stayed at his bedside all day, first in the ICU and later in the hospital room. It was Diabetic Ketoacidosis, which before the discovery of insulin killed 100% of its victims. Nowadays it's just 2%. The hiccups were part of the body's attempt to excrete poisons through the respiratory system. They were so bad that at times he couldn't breathe. The hospital gave him drugs to ease the hiccups and put him on an IV to stabilize blood chemistry. On Thursday he was much better. On Friday they released him. I stayed with him all day Wednesday, most of the day Thursday, and most of the day Friday as well -- three very special days for me which I will always treasure.

More Disenchantment; plus I'm an idiot

I called him today to thank him for watching our house while we were gone. He sounded happy to hear from me but the conversation quickly degenerated from there. He told me the girl at the kennel was good-looking. He dissed everything I had to say about hiccup cures, and not gently either. He criticized my daughter's friend and the way he stays over at our house; said D and I have some serious boundary issues there. I hung up vowing yet again to stop seeing him. All the way home I pep-talked myself about not seeing him again. Then there he was in his red Saab, turning onto our street at the same time as me. He pulled over, I pulled up next to him, he said he felt awful and would I come over and nurse him. Sure, I said, while thinking "What am I doing? Why can't I just cut this off?" He really did feel awful, even threw up several times while I was there. We squeezed in some sex in between dashes to the bathroom. Do you think he's just using me? (said sarcastically). I've mentioned before that he doesn't work very hard at this relationship. I am acting like a silly, stupid and inexperienced young girl willing to throw away everything for some worthless guy. I see myself doing it and yet I can't stop.

Remember

That he doesn't ever think of me. That he doesn't ever call me. That he promised to call Friday if it was slow but forgot to. That I called twice for lunch dates but he was too busy. That he said he'd take me riding but forgot. That he knew we both had Saturday free--he mentioned on Thursday that the two of us should do something--but come Saturday he took off by himself all day instead. That I didn't hear from him at all in January or February or March.

Questions

For J: Your body has told you flat out, and plain as plain, that it does not want to deal with sweet things anymore. It even destroyed its own sugar-handling ability so that it would not have to. Yet you continue to shovel the sugar in. Why don't you listen to your body?

For J: Movies and TV and drinking are all ways of getting out of your own head, of not listening to the stuff that's going on in there. How come you hate your own thoughts so much?

For J, on saying he'll call: You've been telling me that lie for the last seven years. Do me a favor -- never, ever, let those words come out of your mouth again. I always believe you, and I always end up disappointed.

For me: How do I move past something that I've wanted so much for so long? How do I get out of the habit of thinking of him?

It's over. And I really mean it this time.

It's just too painful. I'm finally going to admit to myself that I will never have what I want out of him, and I'm calling it quits. He probably won't notice. It's not like I ever see him. It's not like I ever talk to him. This is more for my own sanity than anything. All I can do is this: I can stop hanging out with him and Don. That's what I did this past weekend -- When Don went to his place on Saturday to watch a movie, and had him to dinner on Sunday, I made myself scarce. I'm moving on. I feel so much better now.

Too painful

After I wrote that last post about him we had a very sweet time together. Actually we've had two alone times since then. And I see him almost every day but always in the company of my husband. He rarely asks to see me alone. I need to see him and it hurts when I don't. Yesterday he said we could go motorcycling today but he hasn't called to schedule. It's really really painful for me, all this waiting, all this hoping. I'd rather it were over.

Rhiannon called yesterday from her marine training camp in Monterey. She's connected at the hip to her boyfriend, apparently. He's always there in the background. They seem to have an excellent relationship. I can't talk to her though with him always there. I can only do light silly surface talk.

I'm feeling really blue today.