Friday, August 31, 2001

I want what I can't have

I feel grumpy today because I want something I can't have. And like a spoiled child, I want to throw a tantrum. It's Joe I want. And of course I can't have him. I'm married.

Thursday, August 30, 2001

I'm afraid of programming class

I got 22 out of 30, or 73 percent, on the calculus readiness exam which they consider good to go. I'm dropping it anyway in favor of Data Structures. Second class today. Am I sure I want to do this? I'm filled with fear about my ability to understand the material and complete the projects. It's how I felt all last semester. I'd sit on my bed looking at my programming assignment and wondering how on earth to do it. I always managed to figure it out, though, and I did end up with an A in the class, but the feeling was pretty overwhelming and I don't want to feel that way anymore. The events of the past two years have left my coping abilities at a very low level.

I wandered around Norlin Library after class today, marveling at all the information in the world and at how much there was to know. I feel hungry to know it all. At home, I walked dog, helped with homework and went to Dad's.

Wednesday, August 29, 2001

After work, I helped Michaela with homework, then went to Dad's and helped pay bills. We have a lot of filing and organizing to do. I'm considering taking half a day off on Friday so I can go work at Dad's.

Tuesday, August 28, 2001

We had a quiz in calculus today. It tested our knowledge of algebra and trig. Supposedly the test is a good indicator of how well we'll do in calculus. It's been what, 20 years since I had algebra? I had to flat-out guess on a third of the questions. I don't think my grade is going to be very high.

Attended Data Structures, which has calculus as a prereq even though it's not used. I
asked the instructor if I could skip calculus. He said it was required mainly as a measure of "mathematical maturity", but I did need logarithms. Several of the other students offered to help me with that part.

At home, the girls and I hung around doing homework, playing with the dog, and visiting with each other.

Monday, August 27, 2001

Olive Party

First calculus class today. It doesn't look too hard yet.

We had one of our olive parties this evening. This is how they work: I buy five each of several kinds of olives from the olive bar at Whole Foods. There are all kinds of olives at the olive bar — green, ripe, big, small, pitted, seed-in, stuffed, empty, plain, flavored, all from various places around the world. We eat them and compare notes. My favorite olive today was the small green pitted one flavored with rosemary.

Sunday, August 26, 2001

Back to School

I can't believe summer is over. School starts in earnest tomorrow, for me as well as the girls. I'm taking calculus this semester.

I went up to the reservoir in the evening. There was a triathlon going on, and it was very crowded by the beach house. I parked in the main parking lot and walked along the beach to the marina, where it was very quiet. Someone had put a picnic table out on the sand. I sat on a picnic bench, looking out over the water and reflecting back on my sailing time here. I can be there again just by thinking about it.
• "Excuse me, guys, I'd like to point out that we are sailing off into the sunset." • "Shipmate!" • High-fiving with Mark • Raising the sails on the keel boats • Sitting on the foredeck while underway, jibsail above me • Sitting on the foredeck at the floating dock, talking to Joe and enjoying the sun • My Sunfish crashing through the water in high wind, water over the bow, spray in my face • Talking with Jayne while watching the storm go by • Smiles across the water • Lake and sky turned pure gold by the setting sun •
I still felt reflective when I got back home. Once everyone was in bed, I sat out on the porch in the light of the waxing moon. It was a little more than half full, bright white, cold and brilliant. Ice on fire.

Saturday, August 25, 2001

A day at various parties

Went with the whole family, dog included, to a pig roast today at a friend of Don's in Allenspark. I didn't know a soul there except Bill and Nancy, and to tell you the truth, I had no desire to meet anyone. I hung out with Rhiannon. We played horseshoes, took the dog for a walk, and generally enjoyed the beautiful mountain scenery. I did meet someone right at the end, a guy named Bob who has an eyeball tattooed on the palm of his hand. Bob was in a very introspective mood (for the last five years, says Don). He told me about his world travels and the crazy people in Pakistan.

Today is my Dad's birthday. I made the birthday cake (from scratch, may I add). The girls and I went down to his place after the pig roast to join the festivities. Ramona, her kids, and her friend Sam were up from Albuquerque. Also in attendance: Ray and family, Rich and kids, Maria and kid, Tess and family. The place was rocking. Everyone was impressed with the cake which was more than it deserved. I had used all-purpose flour and regular sugar so the texture was very coarse; it was like chocolate bread. Dad gathered all the kids in the front room to play a mystery song for them: Shostakovich's "Happy Birthday". It's a variation on the traditional Happy Birthday song. Some of the kids could tell what it was, some of them already knew it.

Thursday, August 23, 2001

Last sailing class

Last sailing class of the summer. Boo hoo! It was sunny and windless, but no matter, it's beautiful out there. We practiced reefing and dropping anchor, and I learned how to work the outboard motor. My crew and I made tentative plans to sail at Carter Lake in three weeks. My crew is Mark, Mike and I. I wonder if they think "my crew" when they think about the three of us the way I do.

We hung around talking after the lesson was over. After a while, Joe came walking up the path, having finished his duties as sailing master. "Want to talk for ten minutes?" I asked. I pulled my car up so it was facing the reservoir and we sat in it, talking, while the world got darker and darker and the moonlight shimmered on the lake. It was pretty neat. I had been lonely for him all summer. Then we went out for Chinese.

As we said our goodbyes, he hugged me. Or at least, he tried to, but I misinterpreted him and kissed him instead. A very sensuous kiss, he later told me. One of the most sensuous he's ever had.

I can't help it. I'm crazy for him.

Wednesday, August 22, 2001

Missed

I'm kicking myself and pounding my head against the wall because I just found out I missed a sailing make-up class Monday. I had thought it was cancelled; I should have called to verify. Turns out that a couple students and the instructor showed up, so they got to rig the boat out and get out on the water. Darn it, darn it, darn it. I wonder if Joe was there. Probably was; he's the sailing master and has to be there when the students are there. Not only did I miss a chance to go out on the water, but I missed a chance to see Joe.

Oh well. Kendall and I spent some time together. We had a fun little adventure taking the dog for a walk in a place we'd never been before.

Tuesday, August 21, 2001

Shopped for school clothes with Kendall, Michaela, and their friends Emily and Laura. It helped to have friends along because they reassured the girls that yes, that is a cute shirt and you should definitely get it. The girls don't listen to me about that kind of thing. What does Mom know about fashion?

Sunday, August 19, 2001

I got to participate in a sailing workshop today. Our instructor wanted another student along to help crew, and I was lucky enough to be asked. I need all the learning time I can get. Today's adventures: As I was about to raise the mainsail, a stopper on the mast came loose and went overboard, letting most of the sail come sliding back off. For the record, our instructor was the last one to adjust the stopper. We couldn't use the jib at all because the previous sailors had let the shackle of the jib halyard go all the way up to the top of the mast.

Michaela's home. She had been with the Majors at their cabin in Steamboat for a week. She had a wonderful time. Jim is a great spiritual leader of his family. Every night they had a little ceremony. They formed a circle, then Jim went around to each child, touched their chest, head and shoulder and said "Love the LORD your God with all your heart, mind and strength." They said the Our Father, then he touched each child's forehead and said, "May the Lord Jesus bless you."

Saturday, August 18, 2001

Family and household responsibility day. Laundry, cleaning, groceries, errands. Hoped to sail, but the wind was only 2-3 mph all day, so didn't bother. Five days to my last sailing lesson.

Friday, August 17, 2001

Sailed a Sunfish Friday after work. Light breeze and sunny. I am becoming more confident. I took Rhiannon, Kendall and Emily D. with me. They hung out on the beach, where the water level is so low it is hilarious. Later, watched "Remember the Titans." Rhiannon and I loved it.

Thursday, August 16, 2001

Second class in intermediate Cal-20. Good day for sailing and good company. Got some time in on the water. Crunched the keel in the shallows, but luckily it's a swinging keel so we weren't in the kind of trouble we could have been in. The instructor failed to instruct us not to pass the warning buoy line.

Wednesday, August 15, 2001

Day Four - the Fourth Pearl

Today's a sad day because today we go back home.

Shari, Lindsey and two others stopped at Aunt Marg's on the way home from their morning ride and let me take a spin on one of the horses. I rode Flash, a two-year-old, around the loop of the drive. No big deal.

Ater they left, Dad, Aunt Marg and I breakfasted and visited. It was my turn to cut up the peaches for breakfast this morning. Then Dad and I were on our way. We popped up to Colville to buy a swimsuit I saw there yesterday. Decided I didn't like it, after all, but Dad bought raffle tickets for two guns, so he doesn't feel like the trip was wasted.

Then off to Spokane. We were due at the 12:00 mass at the Cathedral of Our Lady of Lourdes. We met Mike there. Then to Burger King for lunch, then to the airport, and home. My days of pearl, my diamond hours, have come to an end.

Tuesday, August 14, 2001

Day Three - the Third Pearl

Got up before anyone else and took a stroll around the farm. Aunt Margaret keeps only chickens now, and didn't do a garden this year. I picked a bunch of apricots from her tree. It's great to have all the apricots one can eat, especially such fresh, sweet ones.

Mike came up and we did more shooting. I shot a 9mm Smith and Wesson today. It's lighter than yesterday's 9mm Berretta, but still has a big kick. You can feel the shock waves in your body when it goes off. Also shot a 22 pistol. I think I'll get a BB pistol and do a lot of target practice when I get back.

Dad and I drove up the Columbia, exploring. It was so nice to be near the water. We started planning a canoe trip for next year. We'll start up north and take a couple days to canoe down, camping and exploring the countryside as we go.

Finally, went out to eat at Mi Casita with Dad, Aunt Margaret, Mike, Pete and Shari. It's a little hole-in-the-wall Mexican place -- not too fancy, food not too bad. Of course, no one does chicken enchiladas like Delfino's Terrace.

Monday, August 13, 2001

Day Two - the Second Pearl

The chickens wake up very very early around here and loudly crow.

Went up to see my cousin Pete and his wife Shari around lunchtime. They live above Aunt Margaret's farm in a log cabin that Pete built. Furnishings include a stuffed mountain lion and a bearskin, both of which he bagged himself. Pete and Shari told us all about the extraordinary healing powers of colloidal silver. They made a fresh glass of it for us. It tasted metallic and didn't make me feel especially powerful. Shouldn't it be like Popeye's spinach?

After a while, we heard the pop pop of gunshots, which meant that Mike had arrived with his 45's, so we went back down the mountain to join him. We spent an hour or so shooting pistols. I shot with a 9mm Beretta. Mike had us try combat shooting, which is simply shooting quickly at one's target w/o spending alot of time sighting. He'd yell, "Fire in the hole!" as a warning when he was about to shoot, so we did too. It was tons of fun. We'll practice more tomorrow with a 22. I need a smaller pistol anyway. The 9mm was a bit much for me, heavy with a big kick.

Later, Mike and Dad and I drove down the Columbia starting at Kettle Falls. We were looking for good beaches and a marina that rents sailboats. There are plenty of good quiet little marinas with boat ramp and gas, and beaches too, but no place to rent a sailboat though we saw about eight moored at Rickey Point. We called it Pirate's Cove.

We made it down to Gifford's Ferry, but didn't cross as we didn't want to be too late for dinner. To me, though, it counts as a Gifford's Ferry trip. It felt good. We stopped at an orchard or two and bought peaches and apricots. We've had all the apricots we could possible want, from the orchards and from Aunt Marg's tree.

Sunday, August 12, 2001

Day One - The First Pearl

Today was a gem. Dad and Mike picked me up from the Spokane airport. We stopped to say a prayer at the Cathedral of Our Lady of Lourdes, a place that my mother loved. A parisioner gave us a personal tour of the place. The stained glass windows are beautiful, made in Germany using a lost technology. They seem to glow.

My cousin Mike and I are like brother and sister, which is to say we argue. As we were driving up the interstate I was beginning to wish I hadn't come at all. Then we got to the farm and everything was all right. It is so peaceful there. Aunt Marg made us some iced tea. I reclined on the couch while Dad played the piano. It was a perfect moment and I told Aunt Marg so. Just then, Dad stopped playing, and Aunt Marg said, "They go by so quickly."

Later, Dad and I went up to the marina in Kettle Falls to see if there was any sailing. They rent houseboats there, but not sailboats. The houseboat guy let us spend about half an hour hanging about on one of the docked ones. We went up on top and looked out over Lake Roosevelt. A family was taking a houseboat out. It was nerve-wracking to watch as they tried to maneuver, but they did manage to get out of the harbor without smashing into anything.

Saturday, August 11, 2001

A busy day today. First our Saturday morning chores. Then off to the reservoir, where the girls swam and I sailed. It took a lot of dragging to get my Sunfish out of the mud and into deeper water where she could be launched. The wind and sun were very nice today. After that, to Dad's, where we picked bunches of tomatoes and cucumbers from his garden. He's up in Chewelah, and I go tomorrow!

For me, it's like going to heaven, because of the way I feel about the place and the people there. Each day will be like a pearl, each hour like a diamond.

Friday, August 10, 2001

Went up to the reservoir after work. A squall blew in. I ran the car battery out of juice as I sat there listening to the radio, watching the storm and forgetting to turn the headlights off. Yes, again. Don came up and rescued me. The weather cleared and the sun came out after about 45 minutes, but the boathouse wouldn't rent me a boat. Apparently they figured their work for the day was over.

The girls and Matt A. spent the day at the AMC 24 theater, watching movie after movie. They had a great time, as you can imagine.

Thursday, August 09, 2001

Registered Kendall at Fairview High School. She starts as a freshman in two weeks. Now I've got two high schoolers. Oh my gosh.

My husband was very sweet today. He said I'm getting better looking as I get older. Thank goodness it isn't going the other direction.

Intermediate keel boat sailing class started today. The Cal-20 is in dry dock due to its large keel so we're using a new vessel, a Southcoast 22, which has a retractable centerboard. The reservoir just bought it. It's sloop rigged, 22 feet long, has a lovely cabin and is even better than the Cal-20. It has a draft of only 10 inches when the centerboard's up, which is very handy considering the water level of the reservoir is dropping by a foot a day. We had to get it all fitted out, which took a while and didn't leave much time for sailing. There are three of us from the beginning Cal-20 class. We're a good crew, and it's nice to have familiar faces around. The instructor, sailing master (Joe), and a crew member are going to work on getting it ship-shape next Monday evening. It's possible I'll go up to Chewelah but am very tempted to stay here and help with the boat. I'd get some reservoir time in, and be able to hang with Joe, too.

Wednesday, August 08, 2001

Went to the reservoir after work. It's hard to get sailing time in. I can't always get up there when the weather is good, and it's so frequently uncooperative when I do get there. Today was an uncooperative day. Or to be more accurate, 4:00 p.m. was an uncooperative hour. The red flag was up due to high winds. So instead I sat on a picnic table in the wind and sun, watched other boaters, read my sailing book and meditated.

I had an insight while meditating. Perhaps I should call it a small step of emotional growth. I suddenly felt thankful for a situation this summer that has had me on an emotional roller coaster, alternately making me happy, hurt, angry, and jealous. It's been painful, but I have grown as a result. For that and for the good times, I am thankful.

Tuesday, August 07, 2001

Time takes back all his gifts

The girls met me at work so we could all go to the reservoir together. The weather looked iffy, though, so we went to the Bookworm, our favorite used bookstore instead.

I've been overcome with thoughts of change and loss lately. I wish I could hold on to the wonderful things I've had. I don't mean material things, but people and experiences. Life is like a river that sweeps on, but I don't want to go with it. I want to stay in one place. I want to hold forever the times I've had with my cousins, and the times when the girls were small, and the times I've been out sailing or riding. Most especially I don't want people I love to go away from me.

A few months ago, I was lying in bed, listening to the household waking up. I could hear the girls up and about, running water, clinking bowls and spoons as they got their breakfast, talking to one another, when suddenly I was taken back to when I was a child, lying in bed and listening to my brothers and sisters doing the same. I was overwhelmed with longing to have that again, to be a child in my parents' house, to be surrounded by my loud, busy, exasperating, happy family. I was overwhelmed with loss as well because time has taken that away from me.

Time takes back all his gifts, it is said. I didn't even know it was going.

Monday, August 06, 2001

Went up to the reservoir to meet my sailing crew. We're certified to sail the Cal-20 now, and this was to be our first time taking it out without an instructor. So, guess what happened this time to thwart our plans? Yes, there was bad weather, but worse than that, the boat wasn't even in the water. It's been dry-docked for the winter, and the reservoir is being drained. The Sunfishes are being left high and dry. You can touch the bottom of the swimming beach just standing. Apparently the reservoir is drained every five years for maintenance on the dam. So how am I going to get my sailing fix?

Friday, August 03, 2001

Went home sick Friday and stayed sick all weekend. Was well enough in the mornings to do chores and handle other family responsibilities around the house, but wasn't well enough to sail. My youngest sister, Ramona, was in town, and she and I and Tess and Dad went out to Mom's grave.

Finished Tale of Two Cities, which Rhiannon and I were reading this summer. I first read it in high school, so many long years ago, but like most things I did in high school, I did it half-heartedly, and I certainly don't remember it. I had no idea it was such an excellent story, and a tear-jerker, too.

Thursday, August 02, 2001

Felipe, the foot loving pigeon

The cat almost caught a morning dove today. The girls rescued the bird, which seemed injured. They put it in a small box, put the box in Rhiannon's room, and shut the door to keep the dog and cat out. Later in the evening, I took the dove up to the Greenwood Wildlife Sanctuary, where they saw that it was dying from the pox, some kind of bird virus. They will probably have to put it down.

A pigeon named Felipe hangs around the sanctuary. He did a lot of cooing and followed me around. I gave him some crumbled cracker, but he wasn't interested in eating. He was interested in my feet, with which he fell in love. He walked on them and around them, perched on them, and seemed quite enamored of them. A worker there said Felipe has a foot fetish.

I had planned to sail with Jayne at 4:00, but the weather turned bad at the time we were going to go up. We called the boathouse and found the lake was closed due to high winds. Later, of course, it turned sunny with a light breeze, but by then I was on to other things. There was a medieval festival at our library, to which I took the girls. It was aimed at younger kids than mine, but we had a good time anyway.

Wednesday, August 01, 2001

Success

I'm happy to report that I can now do 20 sit-ups with my hands behind my head. When summer started I couldn't do any sit-ups at all. I had to do tiny stomach curls. I've also slimmed my hips by a few inches, and can finally get into the skinny jeans that I've kept all these years as inspiration. Success is sweet.