Monday, June 22, 2009

I love him but ...

I don't think we're right for each other. He wants strong and bossy; I'm sweet and gentle. I want someone to listen; he wants to talk and talk and talk about himself. I want loving words; he wants to be glib and shallow.

Somehow he always senses when things aren't going well and asks for more time together. Like just now he called and asked if we could spend some time together this evening. He tells me he loves me when he senses I'm upset.

Later that day: So we went for a bike ride, and played a game of UpWords, and had some intimate time. But I still don't feel connected to him somehow. I think it's me. It's because I don't feel like I can talk to him.

Honestly, my life isn't worth living. Who would want to live the life I've created for myself? I can barely stand it myself.

I'm going to try doing only and exactly what I want from now on. Plus be 100% authentic for a change. Since I got nothing, i got nothing to lose. I might as well stop being such a coward.

Next day: our relationship always improves TREMENDOUSLY when I decide I'm going to be my own person. He asked for time together again, and we had a lovely time doing what *I* wanted -- walking the dogs at Waneka Lake at sunset so I could take pics. Afterward he was very loving, which included saying that the future held only me -- Charity.

Maybe we'll be all right.