Don Suspects

He caught me in a lie, for one, so that wasn't good. I denied the whole thing. One of these days it's gonna blow up in my face. In our faces. Is that what we want? I feel sick.

Went swimming with Joe and his six-year-old daughter on Saturday morn. She had us play a game where Don and I were mer-husband and mer-wife and she was our mer-child. I was totally up for that. She's a perceptive little thing, Joe says. In the evening I went to Joe's alone as Don did not want to go. He was sulking, probably because he knows I prefer Joe to him. Joe and I watched Poseidon naked. Couldn't have done that with Don there. This morning I got fitted for a diaphragm. I think the Instead Softcup would work as well.

I'm not going to call him this week. I'm going to take a break. If he wants to see me he can call me. He might call our house to invite the two of us over in which case I won't go. This week it's private time or nothing.

Nice Things He's Said

• You are a fine looking woman
• You took my breath away when I first met you, and I thought, "I'm in trouble now."
• When you went by, I wanted to fall to my knees and worship.
• My feelings were so intense I couldn't even look at you, much less come and talk to you.

Problem Not Solved

A couple years ago, when we were first flirting with a relationship, I wanted him so badly that I couldn't sleep. I thought that if I got my arms around him the problem would go away. But now here we are, most definitely in a relationship, and it turns out that the days I get to hold him are the ones that l can't sleep. I lie awake all night thinking about all we've done. I hardly slept a wink last night.

I love his body and he loves mine.

Okay, It's Not Over

It is just really different than I expect. I'm over-reacting to perceived indifference.

I think.

Anyway, the most unexpected thing happened: he called up this morning to ask me out to lunch. Apparently he couldn't wait to see me. He said he missed me while I was gone. I went to his shop where we had a wonderful time being physical. I had expected it to be wonderful, but this was REALLY wonderful. And when Bee Gees 'How Deep is Your Love' came on the radio, he said it should be our song. In the evening I went to his place after working out. Again, more wonderful togetherness. I'm floating on a golden cloud.

I don't know what the future will bring. I don't want to think about it. The future scares me. From now on I'm going to try to live in just this moment, nothing else. And this moment I'm very very happy.

I want to stand with you on a mountain
I want to bathe with you in the sea
I want to lay like this forever
Until the sky falls down on me.

New York!

Rhiannon and I spent the last eight days in Manhattan. What a fantastic place! We stayed in a hostel on the Upper West Side and did all the touristy things -- Staten Island Ferry, Brooklyn Bridge, a Broadway play, Empire State Building, Metropolitan Museum of Art, the Rainbow Room, etc. etc. I didn't want to come home.

New Yorkers are all thin, as it turns out, and their dogs are all small. They live in tiny expensive apartments and spend most of the time walking about the city. There are people everywhere all the time. I loved Central Park and Times Square and the subway and the book stores and the street performers and so on and so on.

It was really hard at first. Our room was so tiny -- just a bunk bed, a dresser and a flickering florescent light. I thought I couldn't possible live there for eight days. I had a huge problem with anxiety at first, but once I learned how to live in the city it was great. I can't wait to go back.

Conversation

I know you're getting sick of this but I'm not so here's more. I kept all my questions and comments lighthearted.

C: So, I need to get that PostSecret book back from you some time.
J: Do you want to come here or get it at home?
C: Oh I don't care. Whichever. *pause* Is your secret that you want to break up with your friend's wife but don't know how to tell her?
J: No! (laughing)
C: Then why don't you call me?
J: I've been really busy. I've been slammed here at work
C: That's such a crappy excuse.
J: I hate the phone. I'm trying to get work done, and it's ringing.
C: Sucks to be you, huh?
J: Not really.
C: Sucks to be one person working alone in an auto shop.
J: Better than working with others, all that mental abuse.

A bit about Don and how he mistreated me at the shop, about how Joe hated to watch it.

He invited the two of us over tonight. I told him no, I was busy getting ready to go to New York for a week. Also could he keep David company, if it's not too weird to ask that. I told him about the nameless fear I had of going. He called it existential.

It was a pleasant conversation, and wonderful to talk to him as always. I think we're back to three-way visiting: Don, Joe and me.

Some Hours are Better than Others

I finally called Sunday evening. He didn't pick up so I left a short message. Now it's Tuesday and still nothing. Guess it's over for sure. I've been dumped. Yes, it hurts.

Here's the thought from Ernest Holmes Science of Mind that's getting me through: "Today is the only day in which we live. We have to live each day as though it were complete and perfect within itself. We have to live each day as though all the joy there is in the universe were ours now."

So I tell myself, "Today is whole and complete within itself." It's hard to imagine that a day can be whole and complete without him; sometimes I'm not sure I can be whole and complete without him. But the words slowly seep into my being. Maybe I'll be okay.

Still Nothing

It's now Friday afternoon. I haven't seen or heard from him since Monday, when I called to see if I could come over. Is it too much to ask that the guy I obsess about also obsess about me? Apparently it is. I can no longer ignore the fact that he doesn't care to see me or to hear my voice. *Sigh.* Well, the month of August was a wonderful month. I got to talk to him, and touch him, and be with him. I loved every minute.

Now it's back to my vow of March 4. No more thinking about Joe.