Monday, November 29, 2004

Month of February 2004

Sunday, February 8, 2004
I haven't written yet anything this month because I'm just not in the mood for whining and complaining about my troubles.

I had a nice day today. After chores and the grocery store, I went to the library for a free concert of classical and romantic period guitar solos. Very nice. Later I went down to Tess's to give little Michael a present. He's three and boy is he a doll. I'm in love with him. He's got the look I really like in men -- fair skin, dark curly hair, dark eyes. (FYI: Joe has that look, Don doesn't) His favorite birthday present was a piggy bank and bag of pennies and nickles, from Grandpa. Michael, apparently, likes money and takes it from wherever he can find it -- mommy's purse, his sibling's piggy banks, etc. When he'd put his coins in his new bank, I shook it saying "Money Money Money" and he thought that was great.

Kendall, Michaela and I are having a nice time together, just hanging around. They come into my room and into the kitchen to talk to me. We watched Clueless together yesterday. Very cute movie. With Rhiannon gone there's more space for them.

Okay, here comes a complaint: My brother's been telling me about a marriage retreat coming up in our area called Retrouville. It is designed especially for troubled marriages. He knows of my troubles and is encouraging me to go, but you know what? As long as Don doesn't care to contribute financially to the family, I'm not interested in working out our differences. I'm just not. I don't care to have a good relationship with a freeloader.

Tuesday, February 10, 2004
In all honesty, he's not a total freeloader. I can count on him to keep my car going -- my '74 Saab 900 which he fixed up for me. All we have is very old Saabs because that's all he can work on. And what's weird is that even though he works on old cars all day and into the night, most of our cars don't work that well. I had to rent a car to go down to New Mexico to get Rhiannon because he didn't think mine could make the trip. What does he really do out in the garage all day?

On another note: I am such an idiot. I'm given many many opportunities to get to know people and I usually don't take them because I'm always thinking about how insecure I am. So today, there I am in the same room with Deborah Jinn, MacArthur winner and possible future Nobel prize winner, creator of the Fermionic Condensate, a new form of matter. It was a small room and there's weren't many of us, but I didn't say anything to her, not even "Congratulations."

Wednesday, February 11, 2004
Drawing class this semester is very different from last semester. There are a lot of loudmouth know-it-alls in there this time. It's hard to get a word in edgewise. One girl, Rachel, had a lot to say during the critique about her work and other's work too. Too bad her work wasn't very good. My scribble picture, Still Life in Blue, turned out very well. I am proud of it.

I'm doing Tarot more consistently. I bought four new decks in the past few days. I can't help myself! I'm working with the Voyager Tarot just now -- a busy, jumbled deck, not nearly as beautiful as most reviews say, but I am getting helpful readings. I've also been studying Tarot spreads. I usually do a one-card spread because I'm such a newbie at this - ask a question, draw a card for the answer - but I've learned a little more and and am trying spreads with more cards now. I did a five-card spread on Tuesday on the situation with Joe and me. Yes, I know, I promised to never think of him again and obviously doing a Tarot reading on him doesn't help me toward my goal, however, it is a very interesting subject and a fun one for readings.

I did a "Past Present Future" reading with five cards and my Hanson-Roberts deck.

TABLE HERE

Dailies

Sunday, February 8, 2004
I haven't written yet anything this month because I'm just not in the mood for whining and complaining about my troubles.

I had a nice day today. After chores and the grocery store, I went to the library for a free concert of classical and romantic period guitar solos. Very nice. Later I went down to Tess's to give little Michael a present. He's three and boy is he a doll. I'm in love with him. He's got the look I really like in men -- fair skin, dark curly hair, dark eyes. (FYI: Joe has that look, Don doesn't) His favorite birthday present was a piggy bank and bag of pennies and nickles, from Grandpa. Michael, apparently, likes money and takes it from wherever he can find it -- mommy's purse, his sibling's piggy banks, etc. When he'd put his coins in his new bank, I shook it saying "Money Money Money" and he thought that was great.

Kendall, Michaela and I are having a nice time together, just hanging around. They come into my room and into the kitchen to talk to me. We watched Clueless together yesterday. Very cute movie. With Rhiannon gone there's more space for them.

Okay, here comes a complaint: My brother's been telling me about a marriage retreat coming up in our area called Retrouville. It is designed especially for troubled marriages. He knows of my troubles and is encouraging me to go, but you know what? As long as Don doesn't care to contribute financially to the family, I'm not interested in working out our differences. I'm just not. I don't care to have a good relationship with a freeloader.

Tuesday, February 10, 2004
In all honesty, he's not a total freeloader. I can count on him to keep my car going -- my '74 Saab 900 which he fixed up for me. All we have is very old Saabs because that's all he can work on. And what's weird is that even though he works on old cars all day and into the night, most of our cars don't work that well. I had to rent a car to go down to New Mexico to get Rhiannon because he didn't think mine could make the trip. What does he really do out in the garage all day?

On another note: I am such an idiot. I'm given many many opportunities to get to know people and I usually don't take them because I'm always thinking about how insecure I am. So today, there I am in the same room with Deborah Jinn, MacArthur winner and possible future Nobel prize winner, creator of the Fermionic Condensate, a new form of matter. It was a small room and there's weren't many of us, but I didn't say anything to her, not even "Congratulations."

Wednesday, February 11, 2004
Drawing class this semester is very different from last semester. There are a lot of loudmouth know-it-alls in there this time. It's hard to get a word in edgewise. One girl, Rachel, had a lot to say during the critique about her work and other's work too. Too bad her work wasn't very good. My scribble picture, Still Life in Blue, turned out very well. I am proud of it.

I'm doing Tarot more consistently. I bought four new decks in the past few days. I can't help myself! I'm working with the Voyager Tarot just now -- a busy, jumbled deck, not nearly as beautiful as most reviews say, but I am getting helpful readings. I've also been studying Tarot spreads. I usually do a one-card spread because I'm such a newbie at this - ask a question, draw a card for the answer - but I've learned a little more and and am trying spreads with more cards now. I did a five-card spread on Tuesday on the situation with Joe and me. Yes, I know, I promised to never think of him again and obviously doing a Tarot reading on him doesn't help me toward my goal, however, it is a very interesting subject and a fun one for readings.

I did a "Past Present Future" reading with five cards and my Hanson-Roberts deck.
1
2
3
4
5More Distant Past Recent Past Present Immediate Future More Distant Future
I drew:
Judgment (judgment, redemption) Nine of Swords (guilt, worry, anxiety) The Devil Seven of Cups (choice, addiction)
Page of Swords (challenge)

Pretty incredible reading. The past HAS been one of both judgment and redemption -- he angry at me for being less than perfect, me feeling like my whole world is fixed because he's in it. And that Devil -- whatever else it means, it's got a picture of an estranged couple on it. Apparently I'll have to make some kind of choice in the near future. He may be getting in touch with me. This will lead to a challenge to my integrity.

Thursday, February 12, 2004
So, guess who called and left a message on my machine? There it is -- an opportunity to make a choice -- to see him or not. Well, if the future is any indication of the past, seeing Joe will lead to a period of emotional turmoil which I will have to work hard to overcome. It won't lead to a relationship of any kind. He probably called because he wants something. Therefore let's not bother.

Friday, February 13, 2004
Chili party today at work. Everyone who wanted to brought a pot of chili to share. We stuffed ourselves while three judges decided the best of the chilis. I brought a batch using a recipe I'd found on the internet. It was pretty good but it didn't win anything. It had lots of secret ingredients: brown sugar, beer, coffee and cocoa powder. I think I'll call it "Chili with Four Secret Ingredients" from now on. It will be my special recipe.

Sunday, February 15, 2004
I have been thinking that I'd follow the Diamond Approach as a spiritual path but I've discovered I can't afford it. They want money, and lots of it: $100 to join, $170 per month thereafter, individual sessions extra. Sheesh. I could be a Christian for nothing. Maybe spiritual paths are stupid. I definitely reject any spiritual path that leads to "God" since there's nobody there and if there were I wouldn't worship it.

I've been thinking something else -- that my marriage has put me in survival mode. All I want to do is survive: survive his bad moods, survive his verbal attacks, survive the lack of money, survive the loneliness. There's no growth, no self-actualization, no love or self-esteem. And I get all this because I married a Christian. You see why I've left Christianity.

Though, in all honesty, he tries. He struggles with depression and with being unable to cope with the pressures of his life, but he does try. Sometimes.

Wednesday, February 18, 2004
Art class is good. I finished Incoming Globes and am very proud of it. The other students are a talky bunch and I am having a good time in there.

There is no answer to be found in the cards, or in the stars, or in divination of any sort. The answer is within you or it is no where.

I wish Joe loved me. I wish that, 20 years ago, I'd moved back to California and married John.

But he doesn't and I didn't and there's nothing I can do about it.

Friday, February 20, 2004
I complain a lot about Don in this journal but here's a secret. He loves me more than I love him. He always has. He loved me first and when he's in a good mood, he loves me still. It was his love for me that sparked and fed mine for him, and when he turned mean, his bad tempers killed off the love I had.

Saturday, November 27, 2004

Not a good day

I'm sick today. I'm grumpy. The house is a mess. Life sucks. I can't put my husband off all the time; well, I could, but I don't feel good about it, and my motto is to feel good, so I have to make love to him every now and then, but it doesn't work unless I pretend he's someone else; a stranger preferably. What kind of marriage is that? Crappy, that's what. I have an upset stomach and I'm tired and I'm bored. And I'm stuck. Christmas is coming, a holiday for which I have no affinity anymore. It's all just stuff I have to do, just like making love to my husband is something I have to do. I'd like to crawl off into a hole and just be alone.

Charity's Laws for a Life Well Lived

No fear, no self-doubt
Self-confidence and self-assurance are what it's all about. Do whatever you need to develop these qualities.
Awareness
Be aware of what's going on within you and around you in nature, in the world, and in the lives of others.
Authenticity
Drop the mask. Speak the truth. You are no one if you are not yourself.
Industry
Work hard at it! Throw yourself 100 percent into whatever you're doing. And stick to it! Talent grows with practice. Be disciplined in doing what you've chosen to do.
Excitement
Be excited about every moment, even about the small things. Let the simple things thrill you. And if things are dull, do something to make them interesting. Make all of life an adventure.
Connection
Love the one you're with. Tremendously. Passionately. Truly. Madly. Deeply. It feels good to love. But if that's too much, then make a connection. Collect somebody.
Mastery
Master a few things. Your choice, but do get good at them.
Habits
Have good habits. Then you won't always have to remind yourself. You'll do those boring little things automatically -- use sunscreen; eat salads and veggies; get enough sleep; exercise; drink water; save 10 percent; don't smoke -- those little things that over the long haul keep you healthy and happy.
Contribute
Be a contributor to the group. It's important to develop yourself so that you are a worthwhile and worthy member. In my case, it's "have something to say." Prove yourself worthy.
Challenge
Do something difficult. Stretch yourself. "We choose to do these things, not because they are easy, but because they are hard."
Insight, Learning and Discovery
Think. And learn. And make discoveries. And be curious about the world around you.
Forgiveness
Your adversaries are your friends.

Friday, November 26, 2004

Tons of clothes

Today is the Day After Thanksgiving - supposedly the biggest shopping day of the year. I popped into my favorite thrift store today and picked some shirts and a couple pairs of pants, all designer name and very nice. Cost $5.60, quite the bargain. I love my favorite thrift store. I love buying stuff and not worrying about the cost.

So, anyway, back at home I organized my closet a little and laid out what I'll be wearing for the next two weeks. I wonder how many different things I have to wear, total? I have a ton of clothes. How long could I go, wearing something new every day, before I had to wear something I've already worn? I don't know the answer to that a question. Probably two months at least.

I remember my first year in junior high (boy was that a long time ago). Up to then I'd only ever gone to Catholic school where we wore uniforms every day. For public school, my mom took me school shopping and we bought five different outfits for me, more than I'd ever had or needed before. Every Monday found me in the white shirt with orange vest, every Tuesday in the blue with white, and so on. I wonder if anyone ever noticed. I was pretty shy and kept to myself.

Wednesday, November 24, 2004

Meal, Ready to Eat

Rhiannon brought an MRE back from AmeriCorps with her. It was pretty good. MREs, as you undoubtedly know, are what they serve the Armed Forces when they're out in the field. Each MRE is a package of one meal for one soldier. Ours was Chicken Salsa. It included a flameless ration heater -- a little water-activated heater -- pour water onto the unit and it generates heat! There was plenty of food -- chicken with salsa, mexican rice, a vegetable cracker, jalapeno cheese sauce, hot cocoa, iced tea mix, shortbread cookies, and a pack of M&Ms. Oh, and the tiniest bottle of Tabasco sauce you ever saw, about the size of my thumb joint. Rhiannon says that if the Army recruiter who came to her high school had cracked open an MRE for the kids, she'd be in Iraq right now.

A very icy road

It's snowing out, and icy. While taking Kendall to her friend's I slid off the road into a ditch. I did not slam into the SUV which had stopped immediately ahead to help a motorist who was already in the ditch. Nor did I hit the people who were standing around. Nor did I slam into a thick wooden fence post, thereby smashing up my front end and ruining my dental work. I came to rest gently against the post instead. Several people stopped to ask if we needed help, causing a third car to run off the road. It was so incredibly dangerous out there. It's amazing that so little went wrong. I called my hubby who came out and picked me up. I'll go back for my car when the snow has melted and not before. Not one minute before.

Monday, November 22, 2004

It's great to be Blonde

Even though the highlights came out of a bottle, and I didn't do all that great a job on them, it's still great to be blonde. Especially when you have long hair, the way I do. :)

Saturday, November 20, 2004

Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind

Change your heart
Look around you
Change your heart
It will astound you
I need your lovin'
Like the sunshine

Everybody's gotta learn sometime
Everybody's gotta learn sometime
Everybody's gotta learn sometime

This was a strange movie. Strange strange strange.

Friday, November 19, 2004

AmeriCorps withdrawal

I'm not coping well with being away from AmeriCorps. And I was only there two days! It's all in my head, obviously.

I'll sing it one last time for you
Then we really have to go
You've been the only thing that's right
In all I've done.


I loved the AmeriCorps kids. I loved the campus. I loved the song they sang at the graduation ceremony. The whole thing was a fantastic experience.

To think I might not see those eyes
It makes it so hard not to cry
And as we say our long goodbyes
I nearly do.


I'm probably experiencing withdrawal because -- well, I honestly don't know why. I just know I wish I were back there. Everything felt right when I was there.

And I can barely look at you
But every single time I do
I know we'll make it anywhere
Away from here.


For two days I was an AmeriCorps kid. I got things done. I took life as it came. I slept on the couch with the lights on and people talking. I was part of a team. I could do anything.

Light up, light up
As if you have a choice
Even if you cannot hear my voice
I'll be right beside you dear.

(Run, Snow Patrol)