Rhiannon's Poem

If you die, I will not dwell,
I'll send my angels straight to hell.
They'll find you with the demons there
and bring you up to heaven's air,

and they'll guard you then, you see,
to keep you for me saf-e-ly.
Then later, when I'm tucked in bed
I'll often think of what you said,

of how I'd cry myself to sleep--
Oh, I am certain I will weep.
But with whispers and with one last kiss
you'll tell me that I shouldn't miss

you, for you're waiting there for me;
and so all things end happily.

Bored/Blizzard

Don and I are back from an evening at Joe's of UpWords and T.V. I'm sick of going over there with Don to play UpWords and watch T.V. I'm bored to death of these evenings. Surreptitous smiles are okay but they aren't much. This whole thing is ridiculous. Here I am taking what little scraps I can get -- a smile here, an hour there. I hate it. It's pointless, it's stupid, it's not even a relationship.

We're digging out from the Blizzard of 2006, as they are calling it. God dumped a bunch of snow on us Wednesday. It's tons of fun to be out playing in it, not so much fun to drive in. Joe's van did fantastic. After they got home yesterday, the guys took me for a ride around the neighborhood in it. It blasted through the snow like a tank.

This is why I let myself love him

Another turning point; a fork stuck in the road. Time grabs you by the wrist; directs you where to go. So make the best of this test and don't ask why. It's not a question but a lesson learned in time. It's something unpredictable but in the end it's right. I hope you had the time of your life.

So take the photographs and still frames in your mind. Hang it on a shelf In good health and good time. Tattoos of memories and dead skin on trial. For what it's worth, it was worth all the while. -Green Day

At night I look up at the stars and I think about all they've seen, whirling away above our heads for thousands and thousands of years. Does it matter, stars, if one girl loves someone not her husband? I wouldn't have done it when the kids were small; I wouldn't have destroyed the family in that way. Don destroyed us but I kept us together. I love Joe because life is short. I love Joe because this love is worth this pain.

Roller Coaster Ride

Lunch at his shop today. Wonderful as usual. Culmination this time, though as usual it took some doing. I feel really full emotionally and it's kind of hard to talk about it, maybe because I've talked about it all so much already. I'm really up or I'm really down; it's a never-ending rollercoaster ride. An exciting rollercoaster ride, which I suppose is why I stay on.

I told him about Jamie flirting with me at the Christmas party. He admitted to jealousy. I told him about being worried I was pregnant. He said he'd be okay with a baby on the way. I'm happy with his responses. Maybe his heart is in it. Maybe he's coming around.

Conversation

He called. I answered. It was a very disappointing phone call. He didn't give me an opening to say my piece, which was "I'm going to do us both a favor and say no. It's been a lot of fun, but it's obvious that your heart just isn't in this." He did say that he couldn't talk to me about anything. I'm probably too naive and unsophisticated in the ways of the world. In other words, I don't know too much about society's dark underbelly -- drugs, cheap sex, fast thrills, what to say and what not to say about these things.

Period

It has come. Right on time. Exactly as scheduled. And what was so weird was that I was sure I was pregnant.

Unhappy

So Wednesday night, I met Don and Joe for UpWords at Joe's place. Don was in the easy chair when I arrived, Joe on the couch. I sat next to him on the couch. Shortly thereafter, when Don got up for a drink, Joe moved to the easy chair. He didn't even say anything. I was shocked and offended and furious. I didn't look at him the rest of visit. I'm still upset. Let's let this whole damn thing be over. Please.

Happy

I tend to mope around because I don't see or talk to Joe as much as I would like to. I decided I should mark on the calendar the times I do see him, because otherwise I forget, and I begin thinking I NEVER see him when actually I do. Turns out I've seen him a whole lot these last two weeks, many times with Don but plenty of times alone, too. So there, things aren't so bad.

I got to be with him for a couple hours Monday. He invited both of us over to watch the game. D was unable to go, being not at home, but said I could go over by myself, bless his trusting little heart. J and I didn't do anything too risky, just made out and talked and got to be together.

I dreamed last night I had a baby boy. He was tiny--I could hold him in one hand--and he had a cut on his temple. If I do have a child, which is doubtful, I would want it to be a boy and would want it to have his last name.

Lovely Weekend

Friday afternoon I went to his shop for some snuggle time. It was very cold so he hooked up a heater for the van then we got naked under a small soft blankie. No culmination as the little soldier no longer functions properly. Friday evening he came to dinner at our house then we went to his for TV and UpWords. I knit and play with the cat and glance at him surreptitously.

Saturday morning at 5:30 a.m. Rhiannon called from South Carolina. We got to talk for five minutes. It seems like a dream. She gets another five minute call at Christmas. D was out all day. I bustled about with domestic tasks then watched Tristan and Isolde by myself. Very much enjoyed it.

Sunday morning D and I met for our standing date in my bedroom. We had just finished when J and his little girl popped over to borrow milk. It was 9:30. "I thought you two were early risers," I heard him say. He invited us to breakfast at his place. Half an hour later we were chowing down on pancakes, sausages, eggs, juice and coffee. It was very cheery with the sunshine pouring in the window, the Disney channel on the TV and us grownups perusing the morning paper. When breakfast was all over, Lauren and I came to my house to play with my McDonald's Happy Meal Barbie set. In the afternoon I ice-skated. My skating continues to improve albeit slowly. In the evening D went to J's to watch the game. I apparently was not invited which is too bad because I had intended to turn down the invitation, as I was feeling jealous and grumpy, but you can't turn down an invitation that you don't receive. Instead, I worked on Kendall's Xmas present (a Gryffindor scarf), wrote to Rhiannon, visited with Michaela and with Kendall, who popped home to get the car. Kendall was sweet. She said she wished she could stay longer but had to go pick up her boyfriend. We hugged and said, "I love you" when she left.