Test: Negative

Still no period even though the EPT came up negative. I cried when I told him it was negative. I hadn't meant to; it just came happened. We had a really nice talk about being parents. I'd love to have a baby with him, and he'd love to have one with me. He'd like to be a stay-at-home dad; I'd love it if he would.

Our families would be scandalized. It's a shocking situation I admit. But I'm not scandalized. I'm happy. If it were a boy I'd want to name it after its father; if a girl, Mary Constance after its grandmothers, or Mary Eleanor after its grandmother and great-grandmother on its father's side.

Late again!

I was an emotional wreck for five days. That's when I wrote all that stuff below. I'm better now.

I'm late again. Obviously Joe and I are slow learners -- we didn't change our modus operandi after the last scare.

Not that we're scared. We're secretly thrilled. Sure it's a less-than-optimum situation, but we're in love and very happy together, and would be happy to share that feeling with a wee baby.

On the one hand, I don't want a baby. I'm too old. I don't want to get up in the middle of the night. I am the prime supporter of the household. I loved being a mom to Rhiannon, Kendall and Michaela, but now I want to focus on my career and hobbies.

On the other hand, I'd be honored to be the mother of Joe's child. I wouldn't get one started on purpose, but I'm not going to get rid of one if if one should come along.

Wednesday!

My boyfriend senses that something's wrong and it's motivating him to be super sweet and sensitive. He's saying nice things. He's asking if I want to go on a date. He's asking if I want to talk about whatever it is. He's saying that we haven't seen much of each other and need to reconnect.

I want to be strong and not care.

Okay, here's what's good about today:
It's Caroline Brenholdt's birthday!
It's the first UComm Golf Day of the season, and I'm going!
It's sale day at the Salvation Army: clothes and shoes 99 cents each!
Melanie and I filled the Square Foot Gardens with Mel's Mix yesterday. It was heavy work but they look good.

And I've got some nice programming challenges to solve today which I am looking forward to. They are interesting.

I'll be a player, too

All that happens is for my good. This is for my good, too.

He's a player; I'm gonna be.

I'm going to use him and abuse him and have a lot more fun than I've been having. Silly me, caring and wanting and loving. That's all changing. I am going to be happy and strong. I've never used anyone before.

You have to not care, which is doable. I will be able to be more bossy, more truthful, less concerned about what he'll say. Finally. I've been needing this; I just haven't been free to say so. I have tied myself with obligations, which he hasn't tied himself with. I'm free now. This will be interesting and fun.

And don't waste your time being sorry about what he's missing. He doesn't want it. He doesn't want your heart; doesn't want a divine connection; doesn't want an epic love. He's done that in the past and he's done with it. He remembers someone when he hears that song "Me in Honey." There's no place for you in there.

I dreamed a dream

There was a time when men were kind,
And their voices were soft,
And their words inviting.
There was a time when love was blind,
And the world was a song,
And the song was exciting.
There was a time when it all went wrong.

I dreamed a dream in time gone by,
When hope was high and life, worth living.
I dreamed that love would never die,
I dreamed that God would be forgiving.
Then I was young and unafraid,
And dreams were made and used and wasted.
There was no ransom to be paid,
No song unsung, no wine, untasted.

But the tigers come at night,
With their voices soft as thunder,
As they tear your hope apart,
And they turn your dream to shame.

He slept a summer by my side,
He filled my days with endless wonder,
He took my childhood in his stride,
But he was gone when autumn came.

And still I dream he'll come to me,
That we will live the years together,
But there are dreams that cannot be,
And there are storms we cannot weather.

I had a dream my life would be
So different from this hell I'm living,
So different now from what it seemed.
Now life has killed the dream I dreamed.

It's not gonna be epic

Ever. He won't give me epic. He gives me glib and shallow.

I think he still loves Anne and wants to be a family with Anne and Lauren. I don't even like Lauren.

I can't carry this level of emotion with what I'm getting back from him. I'll always be wanting something he's not going to give me. From now on we'll keep it light. No more longing. No more yearning. No more love songs.

If I can manage it, we'll have a happy friendship. No more sex, though. I can't handle that.

You know what really bugs me? That he talks to me like I'm a slut. He either thinks I am or wishes that I was. He needs to get himself a girl that is more capable of filling his requirements. You know what else? He's always talking about what an exciting life he's had. It wouldn't be so bad if I'd had one too. Also, see "Difficulties" on March 13 below.

I'm breaking up with my boyfriend.

It is going to be so nice to be a little freer, not so dependent on his affections, not so needy and weepy. I'll be able to talk to both of them without feeling embarrassed.

I'm not at home

I'm handling my emotions in the way I always do -- I left the house.

He went out sailing with Erika. Erika's a friend from long ago, and Erika's daughter Vera is company for Lauren. I used to be jealous of her but I'm not any more -- I've got other issues to worry about. I thought he was coming home around 2:00 but he didn't come back till 7:30. I became more and more worried as the hours dragged by because I didn't know if he was with people or by himself. I tried to work in the garden with David but we just can't communicate. He doesn't listen. Do I not listen? David made me angry. Jim made me angry and worried. So I left the house.

I'm up at my office, working on my photo blog. Also chatting with the Joseph Campbell Mythology Group! I haven't talked to them in years. I stopped going online when I started going to Jim's with David on Saturday nights.

They seem happy together and sufficient unto themselves.

Waiting

Friday night. Jim went to Wal-Mart. I could have gone if I'd wanted, but I wanted to be difficult so I didn't ask. I'm waiting for him to get back. I feel better now. I was moody and sad, as I often am. I often feel insecure and want to be reassured. That doesn't happen, though. He says nice things to me though not as often as I'd like.

I should write them down. That way I can refer to them often and not telling myself that he never says sweet things. It's not true.

Later: he was low when he got back. And then went lower -- got all sweaty but didn't pass out.

Facebook Blues

With Facebook, you can watch the few friends you have talk to each other and to other people, and be made even more aware that no one is talking to you.