Wednesday, March 26, 2008

Today

Today I'm wearing wide cut blue jeans, black T and black overshirt.

Bandit Blue is progressing well in car training. He no longer flattens himself on the pavement when I open the car door. Instead he approaches it, looking for his treat. Today I put them even farther back on the seat so he had to put his front feet up on the seat in order to reach them. Dice sits inside. I throw her a treat, then put one up for Blue.

Today as they drove down the street, Michaela's boyfriend Jimmy threw open the passenger door of her car and jumped out. He was angry that she had flirted with another guy. He got pretty scraped up and his leg got run over, too. Too bad it wasn't his head. He's okay, apparently, but the car is definitely the worse for wear. He used such force on the door that he dislodged the hinge. Now the door sticks out like a broken wing.

Monday, March 24, 2008

Is it true? Doing the Work

Here's some inquiry that I need to do:
Joe makes me feel cheap. Is it true?
Joe intends to make me feel cheap. Is it true?
Joe should love me wholeheartedly. Is it true?
Joe does not love me wholeheartedly. Is it true?

I feel them, and I get angry and melancholy, but I don't think they are true.

Thursday, March 20, 2008

An interesting way to get rid of me

Joe and I were in the middle of an intimate moment last night when he got up, put on his robe and left the room. I lay there for a bit, puzzled as to what to do, then dressed and went upstairs to find him serving himself some ice cream. "I think my blood sugar is low," he said. "Good night." He patted my shoulder as he went back downstairs. And that was that.

Bad thing number two: Our new puppy bolted out the door as I left for work. It took a bit of a while to get him back in. He did not want to come; he twisted and clawed and bit at my hand as I held his collar which broke at the fastener. Somehow I managed to entice him in; I don't even remember how. I do remember being furious and stomping around the house yelling while he lay cautiously under the table. I threatened to take him to the Humane Society where he should have been anyway.

Tuesday, March 18, 2008

I'm getting a dog

My sister can't handle her blue heeler puppy. He's the sweetest little thing but she's got a ton of kids herself and he's way too high energy for every one. She called me as she was about to take him to the Dumb Friends League. I said I'd take him. He'll be crated in the front room when I get home. The menfolk think it's a very bad idea.

Monday, March 17, 2008

He's really sweet to me, but ...

but I still have a hard time with it all. I didn't want to come back from North Carolina, for example, just because of the emotional roller-coaster that this relationship is. It's not really his fault; it's because I'm a crazy girlfriend. It's because I take offense where none is intended. It's because I love him so much and am not sure how much he loves me. He's really sweet to me, though. He stays up talking to me. He calls me from work. He hangs around in the front room so I'll bump into him. He says my name. He tells me stories, maybe because then I can admire him and how brave he's been, maybe because he likes the sound of his own voice.

The True Love

by David Whyte

There's a faith in loving fiercely the one who is rightfully yours especially if you have waited years and especially if part of you never believed you could deserve this loved and beckoning hand held out to you this way.

I am thinking of faith now and the testaments of loneliness and what we feel we are worthy of in this world. Years ago in the Hebrides I remember an old man who would walk every morning on the gray stones to the shore of baying seals, who would press his hat to his chest in the blustering salt wind and say his prayer to the turbulent Jesus hidden in the waters.

And I think of the story of the storm and the people waking and seeing the distant, yet familiar figure, far across the water calling to them. And how we are all preparing for that abrupt waking and that calling and that moment when we have to say yes! Except it will not come so grandly, so biblically, but more subtly, and intimately in the face of the one you know you have to love.

So that when we finally step out of the boat toward them we find everything holds us, and everything confirms our courage.

And if you wanted to drown, you could, but you don't, because finally, after all this struggle and all these years, you don't want to anymore. You've simply had enough of drowning and you want to live, and you want to love.

And you'll walk across any territory, and any darkness, however fluid, and however dangerous to take the one hand and the one life, you know belongs in yours.

Wednesday, March 12, 2008

I love my boyfriend

He came up this morning for a cuddle; things ended up going pretty far. It's just so nice to touch him I can't help it! And he called me once we were both at work! This feels soooo good.

Monday, March 10, 2008

Motorcycle Riding

Joe took me out on the back roads north of Boulder yesterday. It was a lovely sunny day. We saw a coyote, and fires, and satellite dishes. We stopped to say hi to Carol, a friend of his who was walking along the road with a girlfriend.

Then he called me today, twice. He told Don that we'd been out riding so now Don knows I wasn't forthright with him. He told me Carol was an old girlfriend and he'd had her out riding on the motorcycle too.

Now I'm really unhappy. There's NOTHING that is special to me and him, nothing that he's done only with me. Everybody else has been there first. Every cool thing, every special thing, every intimate thing that we have done, he has already done with someone else.

And vice versa, I suppose. Snap out of it, Charity. I swear, you LOVE being melancholy and making yourself miserable.

Sunday, March 09, 2008

My Aunt Jane died

Aunt Jane passed away on Leap Year Day. Her body had started reacting very negatively to the chemotherapy, so the doctors took her off it. She went downhill quickly, but experienced no pain and died quietly with three of her four sons around her. The fourth, David, was delayed by blizzard.

I had a wonderful time. I reconnected a little with my cousins; I met Eric's wife Karen, David's wife Pam, Danny's wife Lori and Alan's SO Tristan. Tears came easily at the viewing and the funeral.

I didn't want to come home. It's too complex here at home. They were both very happy I was back; both told me they were glad to have me home. It was Joe that took me to his bedroom for cuddle time before I left, Joe who came up at 4:30 a.m. to say good-bye, and Joe that I had Welcome Home sex with.