Who are you if you can't remember?

Michaela's 17-year-old boyfriend got a concussion while snowboarding on Monday. Monday night Russell was still having trouble with short-term memory. Michaela talked to him on the phone late, keeping him up 'cause he wasn't supposed to go to sleep yet. He couldn't remember past a minute. What if he never gets better? Would it still be Russell? I guess it would be, but it would be a Russell caught in a perpetual now, the eternal shining moment, nothing behind and maybe nothing ahead either. Never getting old, always 17. All there is is now. It's like achieving immortality. Who are we if we have no future to plan for, no past to warm us on bleak days? We could hardly even carry on a conversation. We'd be like the animals. Maybe it's our memories and our planning, our dreams and our regrets, that make us human.

Paleo Diet

This week I began the Paleo Diet. Luckily I've already been eating pretty healthfully so this new way isn't too much of a shock. I do love my muesli and milk and peanut butter, though, and will have to give that up. Basically, the diet calls for the elimination of grains, including whole grains, no legumes and no dairy either. This cuts out most Mexican, my favorite food genre. I'll eat lean meats and tons of fruits and veggies. When I'm hungry, I'll eat more veggies. I'll let you know how it goes.

My weight this morning was 120 lbs. It's been consistently low, I'm happy to say, hovering at 120 - 121 for the past week. Oddly though, my backside isn't slimming. Still got the same largish butt. Largish for my frame, anyway. Like most of us, I want a smaller behind. Because my weight is pretty low, I've decided not to cut calories any more and instead focus on my workouts. In January I started every-other-day weight lifting, and in mid-Feb added aerobics on the off days. My goal is stronger bones and toned muscles. Hopefully the effects will show within the next month.

My stuff

My photography
My tarot
My religious studies
My digital art
My drawing
My house
My cooking
My bodybuilding
My family
My friends
My SCA

Who would Jesus bomb?

I saw this question question on a bumper sticker today. A simple question, a simple answer, from simple-minded people. Jesus of course would bomb no one, so let's make the question a little tougher: Who would Jesus bomb if he knew someone is going to poison a schoolhouse full of kids? Anyone? No one? If no one, why not?

How many schoolhouses full of kids need to be on the hit list before Jesus will order out the bombers? There must be some number, some quantity of people whose deaths are just too many. Maybe it's not schoolhouses, maybe it's ports, or towers full of people, or whole cities. Would Jesus order the use of fatal force then? Surely there is a time when Jesus would use the power at his disposal in order to protect the people that are in his charge.

Or maybe not. He's God, after all, and we've seen God's modus operandi -- God just sits back and lets it happen. Personally I'd rather have a leader who was more pro-active.

FEMA wasted millions in Katrina aid

And still, everyone clamors to put them in charge of disasters. Ridiculous. What a fucking big screw up, and the governments of New Orleans and Louisiana are even worse.

Miserable

So, saw Joe at the Rec Center again, him swimming with his little girl, me working out. We waved at each other through the glass. He pointed me out to his daughter, and she waved too. In this way we pretend we are friends. I watched them swimming, smiling, having fun and was jealous jealous jealous. Last time I saw him I spoke to him too, and I spent the day being all warm and glowy with the after-effects. This time I didn't speak to him. These after-effects are sad and blue.

Life is only worth living when you love with all your heart

And from now on, I'll do my best to do that. My best moments in the past have been the one's when I loved immensely -- the people, the places, the things that I was doing. In the future, I will let that feeling flow and grow. I love this moment. I love these people. I love everything that I have.

Looking Forward to the Future

It's amazing how much cool stuff there is to look forward to. Lots of it falls under the category of Simple Pleasures, but occasionally something more exciting is thrown into the mix.

For me, there's Veronica Mars to watch tonight with the kids. The Olympics start this weekend. Tomorrow night is archery practice. I'm making valentines with my nieces Saturday afternoon, and chatting with the Joseph Campbell Mythology Group on Saturday night. I'll work on my photography this weekend, and maybe go ice skating too. Next week is the annual University Communications Chili Cookoff. (My chili won a prize last year!) Maybe I'll go to Borders with Rhiannon again on Friday. Plus there's cuddling time with my husband. This summer I'll go camping with the SCA, maybe work in a trip to Albuquerque and maybe a trip to somewhere else as well. Who knows, maybe I'll take sailing again. If Joe teaches, I will!

We Pawns

I bumped into the name of an old college friend of mine today. I was getting the School of Journalism newsletter onto the web, and there it was. Sheila. But is it really her? The woman's picture is only a little like the girl I remember. There was an email address. I wanted to contact her, to say, is it you? Are you the Sheila that went to Steamboat Springs with Daisy Trench? Do you remember the pics we took of each other by the auditorium?

I felt silly doing that, so I did something even sillier. I sent her a poem that she wrote long ago, and I asked: Sheila, is this your poem? If she recognizes it, that will prove it's her without me having to ask all these personal questions.

The poem is called 'We Pawns." She wrote it when someone broke her heart. She would never tell me who it was.

We Pawns
So what gives you the right?
Am I such a burden now?
To you, I guess I was just a bug on a pin.
A specimen for all your friends to examine
And exclaim "ooh" and "ah"
While looking at you enviously.

What gives you the right
To toy with my feelings, you fool?
Do you know, I really loved you?
I doubt you care -- not even
In the deepest corner of your heart.

Heart? Heart? Do you have a heart?
Or is it just a piece of data processing?
A little microfiche stamped "heart."
A miniaturized computer with tabs
That say "motives" and "drives."

You will never know how happy I was with you.
Did you ever guess that one night
I actually pinched my knee
Because I couldn't believe that it was you
Sitting across the table from me!

And that's not like me, either;
Usually, emotions are broken down
Into little components with "reason" and "judgment"
Imprinted on them.

But for this once, I decided
To dispense with the analysis of emotions.
Just experience them, maybe it will be better.
After all, emotions are not concrete.

For this, I was dealt a blow.
No return, only your greed.
Blind at the time, I fulfilled your need.
I guess I was just a pawn.

Well, we pawns have feelings too.
And believe me, it won't happen again.
Thanks for the scar on my heart
Which will prevent me from ever
Experiencing love as with you.

You took what you wanted and left me in the street to die;
And I did die, a thousand times,
As a friend joked that maybe
You'd given my bracelet to another girl.
That hurt! So bad, like a knife
Reopening a wound. My bracelet;
Why couldn't you have given it back, only two blocks away?
It won't fit you. It's made for a tiny wrist -- like mine.

On Death

I went to my dad's last night to help pay bills, as I've done every week without fail (practically) since Mom died five years ago. Dad's 70 now. His hair's been white for a while but suddenly last night, he looked old. Suddenly last night he looked like he might becoming frail. It was easy for me to imagine being at his funeral the way we'd been at Mom's.

He told me a story of a hawk that he saw catch a sparrow. The hawk perched on his back fence and ripped the sparrow to shreds. He said it was horrible to watch. I spent the evening thinking about how death stalks each one of us. It lurks right behind. We might die violently or gently, but we are gonna die. Remember that, and let it make each moment sweeter.

Welfare Sucks

Welfare sucks. It creates a bunch of worthless idiots. Case in point: the black welfare mom who chewed out New York City mayor John Lindsey: "I've got six kids and each one of them has a different daddy. It's my job to have kids, and your job, Mr. Mayor, to take care of them." What baloney! What arrogance! These people need their welfare checks stopped. I've worked hard to take care of my kids. Why do I have to pay for this kind of crap from her?

To Do Before I Die

Raise good kids -- and love the heck out of them
Play a team sport
Learn to play a musical instrument with some degree of skill
Learn a foreign language
Explore a foreign country
Learn to sail a sailboat
Ride horseback on the beach
Visit a real castle
Get published: book, article, or letter to the editor
Go cross country by bus
Go on a pilgrimage or vision quest
Dance! Learn a style and go several times, enough so you get good at it.
Learn NATO phonetic alphabet
Go caving
Take a road trip around the state, visiting all its interesting and unusual places
Swim in the ocean
Eat a fresh durien
Eat mangos fresh from the tree
Read a book that's considered influential
Go target shooting with guns or bows and arrows
Join a Living History group
Go skinnydipping
Roleplay
Teach a class
Get good at reading tarot cards
Memorize a poem (or several!)
Love someone even though it makes no sense
Ice skate on a river
Hold a butterfly
Hold a baby chick
Be present at a death
Plan a funeral
Join a community, any community, and work to make it work
Get banned from somewhere for improper behavior
Be the boss
Be in a play
Teach someone illiterate to read
Be able to entertain a group with a story
Visit a concentration camp
Attend a really huge rock concert
Be responsible for kids: babysitter, camp counselor, etc.
Visit the Panama Canal
Visit a rainforest (there's one in Oregon)
Go on a backpacking trip, 3-day minimum
Go camping
Go whitewater rafting
Ski or snowboard
Climb a mountain
Go to a Rainbow Gathering
Be there for a total eclipse of the sun
Take a ride down a subterranean river
Ride a mechanical bull
Be a nude model for an artist or drawing class
Visit New York City's library and Central Park
Go see Lady Diana Spencer's grave
Make a friend and sustain the friendship over many many years
Get a master's degree
Become really and truly myself
To Be Continued . . .

Melissa Plaut, New York Hack

I'm fascinated by bloggers who make the big time. Lots of us are. Bloggers are reality shows over the internet. We like to see how and what other people are doing.

So here's another one: New York Hack. I read about her in Yahoo News this morning. She's a cab driver in New York. Unlike myself, she posts her real name and pictures of herself on the site. It's kinda cool to see New York from a cab driver's perspective. She's down with the real people of the city. New York is such a fascinating place. So much hustle and bustle. Will Melissa Plaut get a book and T.V. show like Stephanie Klein did?

http://newyorkhack.blogspot.com/

Stephanie Klein: Another Blogger Makes Good

Stephanie Klein, Greek Tragedy. A voyeuristic peak into a chatty girl's life. She's become immensely popular, has a huge following. She's landed a book deal (Straight Up and Dirty) and I hear they are going to make a sitcom based on her story. Why she's so popular: her blog is a real life Sex and the City. She's young, she's pretty, she's chatty, she talks about everything (nothing is too sacred or personal to share), she blogs in the nude, she posts lots of pictures. She lets herself be known.

I don't do that. You don't know who I really am. It has to be that way. I'm a wife and mother of teens -- I can't be known! I post stuff here that's secret to myself. I don't mind letting you, gentle reader, know all. I've told you that I love someone else. But I can't have my husband or my kids finding out, now can I?

http://stephanieklein.blogs.com/