Dice died

Peacefully Monday afternoon. She'd had a breakfast of oat bread, liver powder and egg, and Don had taken her on a walk around the neighborhood. I'm glad we gave her a good life.

Arteriovenous malformation

I've got one. And it bled a little in my brain. That's not a good thing. If it does it again I could be fucked.

Love Poems

I sent him one. He said it was sweet and he didn't know what to say. I am such an idiot. Such a fricking idiot. God I hate myself so much. What a slap in the face from someone I thought loved me. He does just enough to keep himself from being kicked out. And I call that the best I've ever had. I guess it's not hard to top Don, or Dad. This piddly little love IS the best I've ever had. There's only one reason not to kill myself and that's Michaela. It would probably hit her pretty hard. I like to think it would, anyway. I want to be important to somebody.

My siblings

Are people I lived with a long long time ago, when we were very little. We weren't friends then, and I can't pretend we are friends now. I only see them at Christmas. I'm not going to go to Christmas any more, or Thanksgiving either.

Ready to break up

For reals.

He's just so not suitable for long-term boyfriend material. There's no thought for the future with him, there's no planning, no preparation, no dreams. There's just TV, occasional outdoor outings, listening to him tell stories about himself and watching him get high. It's all very much in the present.

I'm not going to tell him, I'm just going to start acting differently.

No obligations.
I'm in charge.
It's my house.
I'll watch whatever I want to, downstairs.
I'll clean off the patio table and do my computer lessons out there.
I'll talk about whatever I want to.
I'll be a bitch and an asshole.
Very excited about the changes.

He uses me; time for me to start using him. No obligations.

Jim ticks me off sometimes

Dickhead. He got all pissed because I called him on his phone instead of coming outside into the cold to find him. He's got a pay-per-use phone so every phone call costs money. Yay! I've got the cheapest boyfriend ever. He can't spend thirty cents on me frivolously. Once we were home, I stomped into his room, flung a dollar at him, and stomped out. He came up to rub my back later, which he never ever does. Perhaps that was his way of making up. Too bad I won't get an apology.

First Post of 2013!

And it's already February.