Shit, it's our anniversary

Don and I have been married twenty years. I've been unhappy more than I've been happy. It's been more miserable than joyous. I've been unhappy 60 to 70% of the time. It's been a crappy marriage. In twenty years I have not learned how to manage him; I have not learned how to change his mind when he's wrong; I have not learned how to deal with his tempers, his bad moods, his criticisms; I have not learned to communicate.

I guess I'd better learn. That's what I'm here for, isn't it? I chose him because he was like my Dad. I chose him so I could redeem my mother's marriage. My mother was miserable, too. But at least in that case, Dad made a ton of money. He took care of her financially, he took her on trips around the world, and he cared for her in his own immature way.

Don cares for me in his own immature way, too. Unfortunately he's a complete loser when it comes to making a living.

Go with your gut

Don't worry, and don't think about it. When the time comes, you'll know what to do.

The problem is doing it when the time comes. You'll always be able to recognize the right time - it's that split second when you think "I should talk to them" or "I should do that" and then your mind says "No you shouldn't, because of this semi-plausable reason." It is a briefest of moments, and almost always everyone agrees with their mind.

Never agree with your mind. Your mind has no idea what it is talking about. Always go with your gut.

How to be completely miserable

1. Want something you can't have.
2. Reject what you do have.

Don and Joe: Best Buddies

So my husband comes home from work and says, "I'm going to go up to visit Joe. He lives up the street across from the laundromat. He invited me over." He grabs a bite to eat and off he goes. I know Joe lives up the street. I went to his place last year about this time. It was the second-to-last time I ever talked to him. See how the universe taunts me. Very funny, God! My husband gets to be friends with Joe but I don't. I loved him but now I don't even get to see him.

Later: Don came home very very late, and very very stoned. They are both stoners. I hope they are happy together.

Parasite: Pinworm

Kendall knocked on my bedroom door late last night. "Can we go to the drugstore? I need some medicine." She was horribly embarrassed to tell why. She'd somehow contracted pinworm. You know what that is? Little tiny white worms that live in your guts and crawl out your rectum at night to lay their eggs. You can see them if you look at your private parts at night. Yuck! Kendall self-diagnosed; I did not check her. When you're 17, the last thing you want is for your mom to look at your privates. I picked up an over-the-counter medicine for her. One dose takes care of the little buggers.

Month of February 2004

Sunday, February 8, 2004
I haven't written yet anything this month because I'm just not in the mood for whining and complaining about my troubles.

I had a nice day today. After chores and the grocery store, I went to the library for a free concert of classical and romantic period guitar solos. Very nice. Later I went down to Tess's to give little Michael a present. He's three and boy is he a doll. I'm in love with him. He's got the look I really like in men -- fair skin, dark curly hair, dark eyes. (FYI: Joe has that look, Don doesn't) His favorite birthday present was a piggy bank and bag of pennies and nickles, from Grandpa. Michael, apparently, likes money and takes it from wherever he can find it -- mommy's purse, his sibling's piggy banks, etc. When he'd put his coins in his new bank, I shook it saying "Money Money Money" and he thought that was great.

Kendall, Michaela and I are having a nice time together, just hanging around. They come into my room and into the kitchen to talk to me. We watched Clueless together yesterday. Very cute movie. With Rhiannon gone there's more space for them.

Okay, here comes a complaint: My brother's been telling me about a marriage retreat coming up in our area called Retrouville. It is designed especially for troubled marriages. He knows of my troubles and is encouraging me to go, but you know what? As long as Don doesn't care to contribute financially to the family, I'm not interested in working out our differences. I'm just not. I don't care to have a good relationship with a freeloader.

Tuesday, February 10, 2004
In all honesty, he's not a total freeloader. I can count on him to keep my car going -- my '74 Saab 900 which he fixed up for me. All we have is very old Saabs because that's all he can work on. And what's weird is that even though he works on old cars all day and into the night, most of our cars don't work that well. I had to rent a car to go down to New Mexico to get Rhiannon because he didn't think mine could make the trip. What does he really do out in the garage all day?

On another note: I am such an idiot. I'm given many many opportunities to get to know people and I usually don't take them because I'm always thinking about how insecure I am. So today, there I am in the same room with Deborah Jinn, MacArthur winner and possible future Nobel prize winner, creator of the Fermionic Condensate, a new form of matter. It was a small room and there's weren't many of us, but I didn't say anything to her, not even "Congratulations."

Wednesday, February 11, 2004
Drawing class this semester is very different from last semester. There are a lot of loudmouth know-it-alls in there this time. It's hard to get a word in edgewise. One girl, Rachel, had a lot to say during the critique about her work and other's work too. Too bad her work wasn't very good. My scribble picture, Still Life in Blue, turned out very well. I am proud of it.

I'm doing Tarot more consistently. I bought four new decks in the past few days. I can't help myself! I'm working with the Voyager Tarot just now -- a busy, jumbled deck, not nearly as beautiful as most reviews say, but I am getting helpful readings. I've also been studying Tarot spreads. I usually do a one-card spread because I'm such a newbie at this - ask a question, draw a card for the answer - but I've learned a little more and and am trying spreads with more cards now. I did a five-card spread on Tuesday on the situation with Joe and me. Yes, I know, I promised to never think of him again and obviously doing a Tarot reading on him doesn't help me toward my goal, however, it is a very interesting subject and a fun one for readings.

I did a "Past Present Future" reading with five cards and my Hanson-Roberts deck.

TABLE HERE

Dailies

Sunday, February 8, 2004
I haven't written yet anything this month because I'm just not in the mood for whining and complaining about my troubles.

I had a nice day today. After chores and the grocery store, I went to the library for a free concert of classical and romantic period guitar solos. Very nice. Later I went down to Tess's to give little Michael a present. He's three and boy is he a doll. I'm in love with him. He's got the look I really like in men -- fair skin, dark curly hair, dark eyes. (FYI: Joe has that look, Don doesn't) His favorite birthday present was a piggy bank and bag of pennies and nickles, from Grandpa. Michael, apparently, likes money and takes it from wherever he can find it -- mommy's purse, his sibling's piggy banks, etc. When he'd put his coins in his new bank, I shook it saying "Money Money Money" and he thought that was great.

Kendall, Michaela and I are having a nice time together, just hanging around. They come into my room and into the kitchen to talk to me. We watched Clueless together yesterday. Very cute movie. With Rhiannon gone there's more space for them.

Okay, here comes a complaint: My brother's been telling me about a marriage retreat coming up in our area called Retrouville. It is designed especially for troubled marriages. He knows of my troubles and is encouraging me to go, but you know what? As long as Don doesn't care to contribute financially to the family, I'm not interested in working out our differences. I'm just not. I don't care to have a good relationship with a freeloader.

Tuesday, February 10, 2004
In all honesty, he's not a total freeloader. I can count on him to keep my car going -- my '74 Saab 900 which he fixed up for me. All we have is very old Saabs because that's all he can work on. And what's weird is that even though he works on old cars all day and into the night, most of our cars don't work that well. I had to rent a car to go down to New Mexico to get Rhiannon because he didn't think mine could make the trip. What does he really do out in the garage all day?

On another note: I am such an idiot. I'm given many many opportunities to get to know people and I usually don't take them because I'm always thinking about how insecure I am. So today, there I am in the same room with Deborah Jinn, MacArthur winner and possible future Nobel prize winner, creator of the Fermionic Condensate, a new form of matter. It was a small room and there's weren't many of us, but I didn't say anything to her, not even "Congratulations."

Wednesday, February 11, 2004
Drawing class this semester is very different from last semester. There are a lot of loudmouth know-it-alls in there this time. It's hard to get a word in edgewise. One girl, Rachel, had a lot to say during the critique about her work and other's work too. Too bad her work wasn't very good. My scribble picture, Still Life in Blue, turned out very well. I am proud of it.

I'm doing Tarot more consistently. I bought four new decks in the past few days. I can't help myself! I'm working with the Voyager Tarot just now -- a busy, jumbled deck, not nearly as beautiful as most reviews say, but I am getting helpful readings. I've also been studying Tarot spreads. I usually do a one-card spread because I'm such a newbie at this - ask a question, draw a card for the answer - but I've learned a little more and and am trying spreads with more cards now. I did a five-card spread on Tuesday on the situation with Joe and me. Yes, I know, I promised to never think of him again and obviously doing a Tarot reading on him doesn't help me toward my goal, however, it is a very interesting subject and a fun one for readings.

I did a "Past Present Future" reading with five cards and my Hanson-Roberts deck.
1
2
3
4
5More Distant Past Recent Past Present Immediate Future More Distant Future
I drew:
Judgment (judgment, redemption) Nine of Swords (guilt, worry, anxiety) The Devil Seven of Cups (choice, addiction)
Page of Swords (challenge)

Pretty incredible reading. The past HAS been one of both judgment and redemption -- he angry at me for being less than perfect, me feeling like my whole world is fixed because he's in it. And that Devil -- whatever else it means, it's got a picture of an estranged couple on it. Apparently I'll have to make some kind of choice in the near future. He may be getting in touch with me. This will lead to a challenge to my integrity.

Thursday, February 12, 2004
So, guess who called and left a message on my machine? There it is -- an opportunity to make a choice -- to see him or not. Well, if the future is any indication of the past, seeing Joe will lead to a period of emotional turmoil which I will have to work hard to overcome. It won't lead to a relationship of any kind. He probably called because he wants something. Therefore let's not bother.

Friday, February 13, 2004
Chili party today at work. Everyone who wanted to brought a pot of chili to share. We stuffed ourselves while three judges decided the best of the chilis. I brought a batch using a recipe I'd found on the internet. It was pretty good but it didn't win anything. It had lots of secret ingredients: brown sugar, beer, coffee and cocoa powder. I think I'll call it "Chili with Four Secret Ingredients" from now on. It will be my special recipe.

Sunday, February 15, 2004
I have been thinking that I'd follow the Diamond Approach as a spiritual path but I've discovered I can't afford it. They want money, and lots of it: $100 to join, $170 per month thereafter, individual sessions extra. Sheesh. I could be a Christian for nothing. Maybe spiritual paths are stupid. I definitely reject any spiritual path that leads to "God" since there's nobody there and if there were I wouldn't worship it.

I've been thinking something else -- that my marriage has put me in survival mode. All I want to do is survive: survive his bad moods, survive his verbal attacks, survive the lack of money, survive the loneliness. There's no growth, no self-actualization, no love or self-esteem. And I get all this because I married a Christian. You see why I've left Christianity.

Though, in all honesty, he tries. He struggles with depression and with being unable to cope with the pressures of his life, but he does try. Sometimes.

Wednesday, February 18, 2004
Art class is good. I finished Incoming Globes and am very proud of it. The other students are a talky bunch and I am having a good time in there.

There is no answer to be found in the cards, or in the stars, or in divination of any sort. The answer is within you or it is no where.

I wish Joe loved me. I wish that, 20 years ago, I'd moved back to California and married John.

But he doesn't and I didn't and there's nothing I can do about it.

Friday, February 20, 2004
I complain a lot about Don in this journal but here's a secret. He loves me more than I love him. He always has. He loved me first and when he's in a good mood, he loves me still. It was his love for me that sparked and fed mine for him, and when he turned mean, his bad tempers killed off the love I had.

Not a good day

I'm sick today. I'm grumpy. The house is a mess. Life sucks. I can't put my husband off all the time; well, I could, but I don't feel good about it, and my motto is to feel good, so I have to make love to him every now and then, but it doesn't work unless I pretend he's someone else; a stranger preferably. What kind of marriage is that? Crappy, that's what. I have an upset stomach and I'm tired and I'm bored. And I'm stuck. Christmas is coming, a holiday for which I have no affinity anymore. It's all just stuff I have to do, just like making love to my husband is something I have to do. I'd like to crawl off into a hole and just be alone.

Charity's Laws for a Life Well Lived

No fear, no self-doubt
Self-confidence and self-assurance are what it's all about. Do whatever you need to develop these qualities.
Awareness
Be aware of what's going on within you and around you in nature, in the world, and in the lives of others.
Authenticity
Drop the mask. Speak the truth. You are no one if you are not yourself.
Industry
Work hard at it! Throw yourself 100 percent into whatever you're doing. And stick to it! Talent grows with practice. Be disciplined in doing what you've chosen to do.
Excitement
Be excited about every moment, even about the small things. Let the simple things thrill you. And if things are dull, do something to make them interesting. Make all of life an adventure.
Connection
Love the one you're with. Tremendously. Passionately. Truly. Madly. Deeply. It feels good to love. But if that's too much, then make a connection. Collect somebody.
Mastery
Master a few things. Your choice, but do get good at them.
Habits
Have good habits. Then you won't always have to remind yourself. You'll do those boring little things automatically -- use sunscreen; eat salads and veggies; get enough sleep; exercise; drink water; save 10 percent; don't smoke -- those little things that over the long haul keep you healthy and happy.
Contribute
Be a contributor to the group. It's important to develop yourself so that you are a worthwhile and worthy member. In my case, it's "have something to say." Prove yourself worthy.
Challenge
Do something difficult. Stretch yourself. "We choose to do these things, not because they are easy, but because they are hard."
Insight, Learning and Discovery
Think. And learn. And make discoveries. And be curious about the world around you.
Forgiveness
Your adversaries are your friends.

Tons of clothes

Today is the Day After Thanksgiving - supposedly the biggest shopping day of the year. I popped into my favorite thrift store today and picked some shirts and a couple pairs of pants, all designer name and very nice. Cost $5.60, quite the bargain. I love my favorite thrift store. I love buying stuff and not worrying about the cost.

So, anyway, back at home I organized my closet a little and laid out what I'll be wearing for the next two weeks. I wonder how many different things I have to wear, total? I have a ton of clothes. How long could I go, wearing something new every day, before I had to wear something I've already worn? I don't know the answer to that a question. Probably two months at least.

I remember my first year in junior high (boy was that a long time ago). Up to then I'd only ever gone to Catholic school where we wore uniforms every day. For public school, my mom took me school shopping and we bought five different outfits for me, more than I'd ever had or needed before. Every Monday found me in the white shirt with orange vest, every Tuesday in the blue with white, and so on. I wonder if anyone ever noticed. I was pretty shy and kept to myself.

Meal, Ready to Eat

Rhiannon brought an MRE back from AmeriCorps with her. It was pretty good. MREs, as you undoubtedly know, are what they serve the Armed Forces when they're out in the field. Each MRE is a package of one meal for one soldier. Ours was Chicken Salsa. It included a flameless ration heater -- a little water-activated heater -- pour water onto the unit and it generates heat! There was plenty of food -- chicken with salsa, mexican rice, a vegetable cracker, jalapeno cheese sauce, hot cocoa, iced tea mix, shortbread cookies, and a pack of M&Ms. Oh, and the tiniest bottle of Tabasco sauce you ever saw, about the size of my thumb joint. Rhiannon says that if the Army recruiter who came to her high school had cracked open an MRE for the kids, she'd be in Iraq right now.

A very icy road

It's snowing out, and icy. While taking Kendall to her friend's I slid off the road into a ditch. I did not slam into the SUV which had stopped immediately ahead to help a motorist who was already in the ditch. Nor did I hit the people who were standing around. Nor did I slam into a thick wooden fence post, thereby smashing up my front end and ruining my dental work. I came to rest gently against the post instead. Several people stopped to ask if we needed help, causing a third car to run off the road. It was so incredibly dangerous out there. It's amazing that so little went wrong. I called my hubby who came out and picked me up. I'll go back for my car when the snow has melted and not before. Not one minute before.

It's great to be Blonde

Even though the highlights came out of a bottle, and I didn't do all that great a job on them, it's still great to be blonde. Especially when you have long hair, the way I do. :)

Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind

Change your heart
Look around you
Change your heart
It will astound you
I need your lovin'
Like the sunshine

Everybody's gotta learn sometime
Everybody's gotta learn sometime
Everybody's gotta learn sometime

This was a strange movie. Strange strange strange.

AmeriCorps withdrawal

I'm not coping well with being away from AmeriCorps. And I was only there two days! It's all in my head, obviously.

I'll sing it one last time for you
Then we really have to go
You've been the only thing that's right
In all I've done.

I loved the AmeriCorps kids. I loved the campus. I loved the song they sang at the graduation ceremony. The whole thing was a fantastic experience.

To think I might not see those eyes
It makes it so hard not to cry
And as we say our long goodbyes
I nearly do.

I'm probably experiencing withdrawal because -- well, I honestly don't know why. I just know I wish I were back there. Everything felt right when I was there.

And I can barely look at you
But every single time I do
I know we'll make it anywhere
Away from here.

For two days I was an AmeriCorps kid. I got things done. I took life as it came. I slept on the couch with the lights on and people talking. I was part of a team. I could do anything.

Light up, light up
As if you have a choice
Even if you cannot hear my voice
I'll be right beside you dear.
(Run, Snow Patrol)

Why can't I drop these last five pounds? she wondered as she savored a Lindsor truffle.

Why can't I drop these last five pounds? she mused as she nibbled a cookie.

My Daily Check

Work is going well. I've got a nice team, nice job, nice future. I enjoy the combination of art and tech.

Photography is going well, too. I'm learning, anyway. Hold the camera steady! Don't bother taking pics at dusk -- it's too dark! Hold the camera steady! Go for the unusual angle! Be careful with focus and light metering! And hold the camera steady!

I'm having trouble getting my daily check done, mainly because I have so many things to do on there that I'll be hopping to get them all done. I don't look forward to more work when I get home from work. Whereas reading and photography are fun hobbies, the others seem like work. Plus I've got tons of other stuff to do, too.

Okay, how about if we make it one hour of "work" only? Not counting the exercise part.

- I want to meditate
- I want to read one article
- I want to draw
- I want to journal and do inquiry
- I want to do tarot

At 15 minutes each, that comes to 1 1/4 hours per day, plus various reading and exercise. There, that's not so bad, is it? That's not much journaling time, but I'll write fast.

I'm having nice chats with Kendall these days. She asks me to crack her back, or massage it, so we get some touch time. Meanwhile, Michaela is a Grumpy Gus. She's 15, and apparently can barely stand to talk to me or be in the same room with me.

I know Rhiannon got into drugs and sex. I hope she's not doing that while in AmeriCorps, and I hope she doesn't fall back into them when she returns.

Okay, gotta go. My 15 minutes of journaling time is up.

Lucky Don

Good day at work. Lots of talk about the problems we face, plus a goal-setting session with Malinda and Will and Burton.

Don stayed out till 7:00, working at his friends' auto repair shop and probably getting high after work. He's lucky I'm here to care for the kids.

Let me repeat that:

He's lucky I come home and stay home. He's lucky I work. He's lucky I buy the groceries. He's lucky I take care of the kids. Otherwise there wouldn't be a roof over our heads, food in the fridge, or a parent at home.

I sound bitter, don't I? Today I am bitter. It must be very nice to be a teenager the way he is -- no responsibilities, Mom taking care of everything.

It's hell to be bitter. I don't want to go there again. I've spent too much time in hell already.

No god, no life beyond this one. This sun only, these stars, these flowers, this grass, these birds singing. Then darkness falls and all is lost.

Kerry blames Bush for (fill in blank)

Campaign promises and campaign criticism are in the same vein, aren't they? Both untrue, both extreme, both said in an attempt to get elected. I'm personally sick of Kerry's constant criticism of Bush.

First, there's nothing easier that criticising the job someone else is doing. If he does end up with the job himself, he'll find it's not quite as easy as he makes it sound. But you know what? Kerry should know that already. He's been a senator for twenty years. He should know how hard it is to get the job done. Or has he not been paying attention?

Second, Kerry's criticism is generally untrue. He leaves out half the story or places the blame where it doesn't belong. Take his charge that the military doesn't have the equipment it needs to get the job done. Turns out our soldiers don't have adequate protective gear so their parents are buying it for them. Kerry says that's all Bush's fault. He doesn't remind us that he himself has consistently voted to cut our military. He doesn't remind us that he turned down Bush's request for more military spending in Iraq. He hasn't taken any responsibility for the situation. He's a blamer and god, do I hate blamers.

Here's another example: the vaccine shortage. Kerry lays the blame for that on Bush, of course. He doesn't mention that ten years ago, there were 25 vaccine makers in the U.S. But then the Clinton administration passed a wonderful new law requiring vaccine makers to sell their vaccines at half price to make them more available to the disenfranchised poor. Sounds good, doesn't it? Sounds all beneficial and helpful, eh? Unfortunately twenty vaccine makers couldn't survive the resulting monetary shake-out. They went bankrupt. Now the remaining five vaccine makers struggle to meet demand. Who's fault is it? According to Kerry, it's Bush's fault.

How will I make my mark on the world?

Here I am, life half over, and suddenly I'm thinking of the bigger picture. In the twenty years leading up to this moment, I was happy to do my best to be a good and godly wife and mother. But that's gone now, taken from me by my husband, of all people. He doesn't care if I'm a godly wife and mother. He wants me to work (which I do because he doesn't) and be his mother only.

So the destruction of my dream has also destroyed my faith.What is there for me now, now that hearth and home are taken? I want to replace them with something bigger.

Writers leave their mark, as do counselors. I've already written a book - a children's religious book, which ten years later is still in print and a popular little book in its niche so I'm told. I can't tell you the title because this blog is written under a pseudonym.

I plan to draw a set of tarot cards to help people on their journey. I'd better get cracking on that, as I'm still a beginner at drawing.

My photography and iceskating are fun, but those are personal hobbies, not things that will really effect others.

There will not be a Draft

Kerry and his supporters are lying to you about the draft. There are no plans to re-instate the draft.

A spokeswoman for the Defense Department told CNSNews.com there is no intention to have a draft, nor does the Pentagon want one.

"Secretary Rumsfeld has said all along we do not need a draft. That's our stance and it will continue to be," said Lt. Col. Ellen Krenke, a Pentagon spokeswoman. "We don't need one. We're recruiting the number of people we need and the quality of people we need to perform all of our missions."

Bush also has dismissed the rumor, telling a questioner during the Oct. 8 presidential debate, "We're not going to have a draft, period. The all-volunteer Army works."

The Star

I took the dog for a walk today along Coal Creek. It was dark out. The path was difficult to see. As I walked I realized how what I was doing was a metaphor for my life -- walking in darkness along a trail whose end I cannot see, able to discern only the bend immediately ahead.

The leaves whispered in the trees above. Dead leaves and gravel crunched beneath my feet. What secret did the leaves tell one another? Perhaps they spoke of their approaching death, or of the oncoming winter. The pine trees had told them about winter, for of course they themselves have never seen it. The pine trees know immortality. They've seen many many winters. The leaves of the deciduous trees will never see even one. They will die before that time comes. What do the leaves think of it? What tales do they pass amongst themselves? Perhaps only jokes and gossip. Maybe leaves don't worry themselves with something they cannot change. Maybe they don't worry about death. Maybe they enjoy their day in the sun then let it go, knowing that life goes in seasons.

Whereas I walk in the sunlight that is not light and long for the darkness in which stars shine. That's what this surrounding darkness does for me -- I can see the light of the Star because of it.

The star. The beacon. The guide. It stands for hope of renewal and renewal of hope, the waters of life poured forth. In the darkness can be seen the light.

I don't walk in total darkness. The Star shines forth, guiding me.

Giving to Beggars

Today I gave a couple bucks to a guy begging at a stop light. He was a healthy-looking, cheerful guy, late twenties or early thirties, the perfect candidate for the question, "Why don't you get a job?" I didn't ask him though. I've decided I'm not going to worry about that kind of thing.

Maybe he was scamming me. Maybe he's going to spend the money on alcohol or drugs. Maybe he's in a tough spot that he'll get out of by next month or next year. Maybe his wife died and he just doesn't care any more. Maybe he's turned his back on the whole rat race and has embraced the Rainbow Family lifestyle.

I don't know the guy's situation. It's not the first time I've given to beggars and it won't be the last. The guy was begging on a street corner, for chrissake, and I gave him a couple bucks.

Dream

It's Friday night and I'm kicking around the house by myself. I decide to go out and find some company. I go up to campus and enter a building where clubs and groups hold their meetings, thinking I can probably find something fun going on in here. The building is a maze inside - narrow halls going this way and that. Here's a group that seems to be of elementary age children. I keep looking. Here's a room full of people doing something with sleeping bags. They all have red shirts on and are each in a gray sleeping bag. They are all lined up neatly, as if in formation. Now they change their formation and wiggle into a freer, looser pattern. Now they huddle up into a mound. They wriggle apart. Two of them have something unusual going on. Their sleeping bags are open. Their legs are spread. They are having a baby. I watch one more closely. The head emerges. It's a fully grown head. It has hair. It can speak. The woman looks very strange with a head sticking out of her. The rest emerges. Its small but fully grown. A bit later the "child" is brought over to me. I speak to it. Her, actually. She answers me, still feeling a bit shy from being so new and freshly born.

What did it all mean? I'm birthing adults, possibly referring to my children. They are teens now, not kids any longer. Notice how I reject the elementary age kids. It's not babies I had, really, it is adults. It's only for a little that they are babies, just long enough to trick us. For the rest of their life, they are adults. Am I explaining myself?

Second Presidential Debate

The second debate just ended. It was great. We can say without doubt that Kerry is the better debater. He expresses himself well and he's got an impressive array of facts immediately available. I read somewhere that his debate coach at Yale said Kerry was the second best debater he's ever taught; the first was William F. Buckley.

Bush did better this time around. He was more animated, nor did he repeat himself as much as he did the first time, though he's simply not as good a speaker as Kerry. For all his shortcomings as a speaker, however, I am convinced that he would be, and is, the better leader.

He said a few things that were telling. For example,in answer to the question about stem-cell research, he was clear that we are somehow trying to find the balance between ethics and science. Kerry didn't make that distinction, though it is a really important one.

Kerry's endless criticism of Bush became wearing. There's nothing easier to do than criticize. Kerry was full of promises about how he'd do better, but rather vague how he'd actually do it. He has to be vague, of course. He's been a senator for twenty years, surely he's observed the difficulties of the presidential job. He knows it is incredibly complex. He knows that the promises will be very difficult to fulfill. It's easy to make them, though.

Bush seems to be the kind of man who has strong convictions, and who, after consultation with advisors, will make a decision or take a stand that may be unpopular; who won't back off from what he feels is right to do. I appreciate that about him.

What if all of life were fun?

I've got a million things to do tomorrow, almost all of them in the fun category.

Non-fun: grocery shop, unclutter Rhiannon's room, do chores, shop with Michaela.

Fun: blog, go shooting for photography project, develop web page for photography project, ice skate, birthday party for Sara.

Q: What if all of life were fun?
A: It can be, if you choose to enjoy everything. Life is a game. Play for fun.

Confession

So guess who talked to who today? Don, my husband of 18 years, talked to Joe, the man I was in love with two years ago. Don needed Acura advice for my sister's car and called Joe to get it. Don doesn't know anything about me and Joe. I told Joe things would stay that way.

I have no need for confession. I believe in my grandmother's advice, that while confession may be good for the soul it's bad for relationships. The last time I talked to Joe, a year ago now, I told him I wouldn't ever tell. I consider the whole thing to be a secret that belongs to the both of us, not just to me. Also, I was concerned about just this type of eventuality -- that the two of them would have contact through their work. I didn't want them to be uncomfortable in each other's presence.

I qualified my promise, though. I won't tell until I'm sixty. I reserve the right to say anything to anybody when I'm sixty. So when that year rolls around, maybe then I'll tell Don, "I kissed Joe the year my mother died." But I won't say anything till then.

Now perhaps Joe knows I've kept my word thus far.

He Talks Too Much

God, my office mate is so annoying. He's a talker. A big talker. I ask him a question ("Is cuFSTitle in the XML what the stylesheet calls the Business Title?") (Doesn't that sound like an impressive question? I'm pretty impressed myself.) which he answers with a long history of how he queries the database and why. Waaaaaaay too many words. I can't listen to that deluge of detritus in the hope of mining a gem, so I don't listen at all.

The Bunny Got Away Again

The bunny got away again; no one knows how. Don said he saw him hopping about the alley in the afternoon. He had been roaming free in Rhiannon's room. Our best guess is that someone left the door open though no one will admit to this. He must have grabbed the chance for freedom when it came. Can you blame him? He probably explored the downstairs a bit, then made his way up the stairs, through the kitchen and out the back door, which we leave open in nice weather. Too bad it's not nice weather now. It's dark out, with thunder, lightning, rain and hail. I went out with an umbrella and a flashlight but didn't see him. I hope the little guy stays warm and dry all night.

I took the dog out once the rain let up. (Still lightning though - very exciting!) It was all dark and still, with porchlight gleaming off the wet patches, a perfect singing-in-the-rain night, and so I did. Mary Chapin Carpenter's Come On Come On, my current favorite.

The Meaning of Life

What is the meaning of life? I've been pondering this question for years and I still don't know. But I do know one thing - whatever the meaning of life is, it can be found in shorter time spans. It's not just your life you need to think about; it's this year, this week, this minute. What's the meaning of this minute? If you can answer that, you may have the answer to all.

I've Found Paradise

It's right here in Lafayette, along the Coal Creek Trail. There's a small bosque there (a cottonwood forest next to a river) where birds flutter, horses graze, and the sun sparkles on the stream. The skeleton of a huge white tree stretches up over a swimming hole. There's a rope swing on it so anyone who wants to can swing out over the water. I sat there, entranced by the reflections and the dragonflies, for half an hour while my dog played at the water's edge.

Today was a really wonderful day. I got up early and headed out to take some photos. I love this hobby. Today I walked up Cannon alley and down Chester alley. I took some shots of dew on autumn leaves, bees in flowers, a tiny pumpkin on a compost pile, and wicker chairs backlit by sun.

A lot of the photos don't turn out which is discouraging. I'm having a difficult time capturing on film the quality of uniqueness that I see about me. I'm not ready to give up, though. I must keep trying, keep learning.

My exercise program is going well. I'm being fairly consistent and my body is responding. I am having a hard time keeping the calories down, though, because 1) food feels so good, and 2) it's something to do when you're reading or working on something mindless.

The Most Important Thing

The most important thing in life is to manifest the divine light as is given you to manifest it; which you do by being the best you can be, by living vitally, or as Joseph Campbell puts it, by following your bliss.

The things that makes me ME are passing and transitory. The eternal thing is the consciousness of which I am a part. And yet, it is my uniqueness though which others will be blessed and served. Be unique. Be vital. Follow your bliss.

In the world of the passing and transitory:
Kendall had a bunch of friends over for a poker tournament this evening. I spent a good deal of time wondering when I should make them go home. I feel silly about my worrying now. They are good kids and the party was pretty low key. There was no alcohol, smoking or rowdy behavior. My carpets were in no danger. (I can hear what you're thinking - "You call that a party?"). There was just lots of talk, laughter and Jimi Hendrix blasting on the stereo. At 12:30, they started to say things like, "I'm ready for this tournament to be over," and "I can barely keep my eyes open." I took that as my cue to say "It's 12:30. I should probably kick you guys out now." They finished their hand and off they went.

The Price You Pay

In spite of the fact that I love what I do, I sometimes think I should have entered a different career. Because I might enjoy it even better. Because I might be able to do more to make the world a better place. Because it might be what I am supposed to be doing.

And this makes me realize: Whatever you choose, you don't choose something else.

Further, you don't have to do anything. You don't have to choose anything. But you do have to live with the consequences of your choice.

That's the desperate truth, the spiral paradox. The price you pay is that you have to live with the consequences.

So ask yourself, Who are you? What do you want to be? What would you give to be that person?

Would you give your time? Your money? Your life?

What do you give in exchange for what you most want?

This is your life you are living. This is your life that you are giving. You can choose or not choose, do or not do, live or not live. But you cannot Not Pay. You will always pay.

Just make sure that what you get is worth it. You are trading your life for something. Make sure it's worth it.

Life is Good

Just a quick note to say I like my new hobby (photograpy), I like my new job (XSLT developer), I like my rabbit and my dog, I like my body, I like my hair, I like my kids. My house is okay, as is my husband. He's great except he doesn't want to be bothered with adult responsibility. Life is pretty good. Not perfect, but pretty damn good.

Here's what I did after work: went for walk with dog and took snapshots, made salsa (there is nothing as good as homemade salsa -- nothing), picked up, started a load of laundry, did aerobics and watched Whale Rider (a very sloooooooow movie; I could barely get through it). I only partially completed my Daily Check List.

Disaster Relief

Here's an entry from Rhiannon's Blog. She's on disaster relief in Florida, cleaning up after the many hurricanes that blew through this season.

I love hard gym floors.
They are fun to sleep on,
especially when you have 30 girls packed
into a room fifteen by twenty feet large.

I love tarping roofs,
especially when the roofs are so hot
they melt your tennis shoes.
I am glad that the tarps are slippery,
because it makes it that much easier to fall off.
Especially when you have to walk across them to get off.

I love lots of fast food.
If it were up to me, I would eat nothing else.
Fortunately, we don't eat anything else.
Fast food 3 meals a day, 7 days a week.
I love being a vegetarian.

I love moving.
It's a good thing that we move once a day.
Otherwise I would get to sleep on a bed.
Otherwise I would get to eat a home-cooked meal.
Otherwise I would get to shower in a decent shower.
It's a good thing that we move once a day.

I love disaster relief.

Thank you.

Images in Blogger

I'm working on getting images figured out.

Here are some:


Okay, that worked. Those are thumbnail images from my Back Alley Project photography, which I work on after I get home from work.

It's been an education, let me tell you. I've ruined several good pictures through

1. camera shake
2. paying no attention to aperture
3. incorrect light metering
   

My Projects

1. Archery
2. Ice Skating
3. Medieval Garb
4. Photo Album / Scrapbooking
5. Drawing
6. Intensive Journal Summary
7. Intensive Journaling
8. Charity's End Web Site
9. Story Telling
10. Guitar and Violin
11. Tarot
12. Mythology Group
13. Knitting
14. New Media Design
15. Motherhood
16. Loving What Is Inquiry
17. Race Walking
18. Photo Journalism – Lafayette's Back Alleys

My SCA Medieval Garb

Completed

• Brown velvet tunic with cream underskirt.
• White early Tudor with blue underskirt.
• Maroon early Tudor with gold underskirt.
• Black dress.
• Short red tunic, heavily embroidered, with sage green underdress and medieval print sleeves.
• Blue tunic embroidered with white leaves, with red underdress.
• Dark blue cote with white hem and red sleeves.
• Cream tunic with brown trim and brown underdress.
• Various skirt/vest/ combinations.
• Blue dress with red heraldic tabard.
• Red dress with lavender underskirt and blue tabard.
• Five cloaks.

In various stages of completion

• Black and maroon Italian Ren.
• Sage green cote with quilted jacket.
• Black cote with beaded underdress.
• Maroon with lace-up front and white brocade underskirt.

Off They Go

Tuesday, July 21, 2004
I took the family -- sans Rhiannan, of course -- to the airport today and sent them off to Florida. They will play in the sand and surf for a week. Their cousins Alexandria and Graham are there. They should have a great time. I'm so proud of Melanie and Karen. They are so tall and pretty! I stood on the bridge above while they went through the security line below. They looked up at me through the glass roof while they descended down the escalator to the shuttle. Right before they disappeared, I mouthed "You're pretty" to them.

I'm very much looking forward to spending a week on my own. I spent the evening very pleasurably. First, I went to my Dad's, where we stuffed ourselves with steak, corn and mangoes. Back at home, I read Stephen Crane's poetry aloud to myself, thinking frequently of Joe and of Rhiannon. Then I went jogging, took a bath by candlelight, and went to bed.

Joe and Rhiannon are my two great loves. Carrie B. was too, though, wasn't she? I loved her with all my heart. And she broke it.

You know what I want? To be able to say, "I loved. I loved deeply and madly and truly." Whitney Houston: "Didn't we almost have it all? The ride with you was worth the fall."

Thursday, July 22, 2004
Saw Joe today as we both headed off to work. He was getting into his car as I drove by. That guy is getting balder and balder. He pretended he didn't see me, and I didn't slow down to say hi. I'm still obsessed by him. Because I'm an idiot. Because my marriage isn't any good and I have nobody else to think of. Because I felt a deep connection with him.

Life is an adventure. You don't always know what will happen or how things will turn out. You marry and it turns bad. You fall for someone else, who maybe falls for you, but it doesn't go anywhere. That's my adventure, anyway.

Friday, July 23, 2004
Quarterly department staff retreat this morning. What a waste of time. Blah blah blah. Endless talk. It wasn't completely horrible, though. I sat next to Sam S. and we amused ourselves whispering funny comments to each other.

Three day weekend, July 24-26, 2004
What a great weekend. I made it a three day weekend by calling in sick Monday. (Couldn't sleep Sunday night so it wasn't too much of a lie.) I spent the weekend alone, mostly, reveling in my solitude and in my ability to go and do whatever I wanted. I finished a beautiful garb dress. I worked in the extra room downstairs, getting it cleaned out so it can be our family room. I bought a computer desk to put down there. I bought a portable archery target, set it up in the backyard and did some shooting. I had the most wonderful time ice-skating. I'm feeling more and more the way I want to feel out there -- like I'm dancing. I talked to Tess, got a massage from Maria, talked with Raul, who showed me SoulSeek, and visited with Dad. I spent four hours with the JCMG chat room crew on Saturday night. We have a lot of fun in there. We crack ourselves up. I jogged every day. I watched some Fellowship of the Ring and read some Harry Potter. Life is good. Very very good.

July 27, 2004
I spent another sleepless night last night. My back is bothering me. It's jumpy. So I spent the night trying various ways to work out the kinks. Unsuccessfully. They are still in there. Which means a sleepless night is in store for me tonight.

The lack of sleep bothers me greatly, mostly, I think, because of the lack of control I have with it. It's one thing to stay up till the wee hours reading and then be dead tired the next day, as I often do. But at least when reading, I know I can grab a few hours of zzzz's. With my back bothering me, I don't even get that. It's making me feel crazy, as though eternity were closing in upon me as the hours of darkness stretch out. Despair. Blackness. My death approaches, and I haven't figured life out yet.

July 28, 2004
You know what else I want? To serve. To make the world better by my passing through it.

Lovely Day

Lovely morning. I awoke from a wonderful dream, all about being part of a fun and loving family. Then I had a delicious breakfast of fried mushrooms on toast with a scrambled egg and coffee which I ate on the back porch. Afterwards I sat there lazily, reading the paper and enjoying the sunshine. Suddenly the dead bird moved! The cat killed it two days ago and left its body on the lawn. Oh my god! It's still alive! Then I saw the snake. It had ahold of the body and was moving it across the lawn toward the bushes. It made quite a bit of progress before it hit a tough spot and gave up. I finished the job for it -- I picked up the remains and threw them in the bushes. Bon apetit, snake.

I watched The Virgin Suicides with Kendall. It gave me alot to think about -- the relationship of parents and teens, of girls and boys, and of grownups to each other and themselves. It's tough, all the worrying I do about my kids. I should just eash off, trust them a little. Except they might do something dumb! Something irrevocable. Emotional hurts and physical hurts can last for a very long time. Anyway, Kendall is a great kid. I'm glad I've got her for my daughter.

Every evening, when I sit on my bed for some quiet contemplation, I feel a happy fullness. My heart swells with gladness. I love this life, warts and all. I love being alive. I don't have all the answers. Hell, I don't have any answers at all, but I love being part of it all the same.

You don't have to do anything

Here's a truth I've realized: You don't have to do anything except live with the consequences of your actions.

You don't have to work, or play, or learnthis or that, or be successful, or do anything at all with your life. You don't! But you do have to life with whatever you've chosen. If you've chosen to read, you won't ice skate. If you chose the beach, you don't have the mountains.

It doesn't matter what you choose. Choose anything you want! They are all good.

Here's another "have to" I heard somewhere that I really like:

There are only two things you have to do: 1) Die. 2) Live until then.

I find these words cut to the heart of the matter.

New Job

Tomorrow I begin my new job as an XSLT developer. I don't feel ready.This is NOT going to work.

Where am I going with my life? What do I WANT? What do I want to be?

Let's do The Work on this: I need to make something of my life. Is this true?

Answer: Maybe, maybe not. Does it matter if I've written a bok, or raised good kids, or been responsible? Answer: I can't know. I'll never know. Maybe yes, maybe no. I do not know if what I do is ultimately good or bad. How would you judge it? By the effect my life has had on others. The bigger the effect the better. The better their lives are, the better I've done.

So who's judging? God? Others? Yes, others. History judges. If my name is in the history books then my life will have been worthwhile.

No, Daisy, then your life will have been noteworthy. It's not necessarily the same thing. Besides, why care what the history books say? I do, because then others will remember me. I'll have achieved some level of immortality. Like in Goodbye Mr. Chips. He remembered all the kids. Someone will have said of me, I remember you; I see you; I love the manifestation of the divine that is you.

I need to make something of my life. Is this true?

Answer: Yes, it's true. But I can't ever know if I have succeeded. Therefore, I must life by my own lights and trust the universe. I am the only judge of whether I have succeeded or not. I need to feel I've made something of my life, I need to be proud of me, I need to feel like I've made a difference. That's how I'll judge -- my looking within at my own reactions to what I've done.

Busy busy busy day

It's amazing how quickly the day goes by. I got almost nothing done again. My list of babysteps toward goals is the first thing I set aside. Didn't meditate, didn't draw, didn't do tarot. Yet I was busy all day!

I walked the dog, cleaned the back porch, made food of various kinds, took Michaela to Walmart for camp stuff, talked to Mike H, took a short nap, read some Loving-What-Is posts, went to the grocery store for picnic food, and knitted a few lines. When evening came, it was off to Grampa's for BBQ and fireworks. Maria, Raul and Anne-Marie came and we all had a wonderful time.

I've come up with a whole bunch of things I can do inquiry on:

I need to know what life is about
I need to have friends
I need to know what to do with this life
I need to build a strong family
I have control over my life
I should be different than I am

I believe these are true, but are they really? I love this inquiry program. It's fantastic, wonderful, freeing. My life is wonderful and interesting.

I've started Victoria Principal's 30-Day Diet. I don't get to eat much, let me tell you. Unfortunately we've had BBQ's each evening since I started, and I was
forced to each much more than allowed. But each day dawns anew, and with it a fresh chance to starve myself.

Friday, July 2, 2004
I am really disgusted with my body. My lower half is shot to hell. God, I can't stand to look at myself. Thick waist, fat rear end, heavy thighs. Sickening. I keep starting various programs, and I keep failing. This weekend I'm starting another one -- Victoria Principal's 30-day Bikini Diet.

Sunday, July 4, 2004
I'm not doing too well with Victoria Principal's 30-day Bikini Diet. She prescribes VERY FEW calories so I'm very hungry. I did very good for the morning and afternoon, then stuffed myself in the evening. Hmmmm. I'll try again tomorrow.

Monday, July 5, 2004
I start my new job today down at ITS (Information Technology Services). I'll be job-sharing between that one as an XSLT developer and this one as an HTML developer. So where are my bosses, who presumably are going to help the transition? They are not here. Further, this whole XSLT thing is very new to me, and I'm not very good at it yet. Therefore, I'm VERY NERVOUS. I'm so nervous I can hardly think straight.

Month of June 2004

Tuesday, June 1, 2004
Don and I are doing a little better. We are actually talking to one another, chatting about this and that. I'm still mad that he doesn't contribute financially. Here's a radical idea: What if I gave that thought up completely? What if it was okay with me that he not give money? Answer: Then I would be letting myself be taken advantage of.Question: So what? Answer: Then the marriage wouldn't be much of a partnership.

Wednesday, June 2, 2004
I did not lose six pounds last month like I said I was going to. Bad Daisy! I MUST lost the weight this month. My summer shorts are all uncomfortably tight.

Also this month, I'm going to work hard on all the things I want to learn and do. Mastery, that's my goal. Life is so much more enjoyable when you're good at things.

I got off to a good start today. I finished my first knitting project. It's a dishrag. A 100% cotton, hand-knitted, very large dishrag. If you paid me $3/hour to knit that dishrag, then that would be a $12 dishrag you've got there.

Wednesday, June 9, 2004
Michaela spent the previous week in Minnesota with her cousins. She flew home today in the company of my sister, who had to leave the party early to get back to work. She's the sweetest person imaginable, and an air traffic controller in Albuquerque. In other words, she works for the FAA, which has oversees all the airports in the country. She wore her employee tag around her neck. She said it's not necessary, but she's found she gets better treatment when she does. She also said it's kinda fun walking around the airport, knowing that she's got authority over pretty much everyone there.

Thursday, June 10, 2004
My life is so great I can't believe it. I'm doing so many cool things, and cool things happen to me. This evening, Kendall had a bunch of her friends over to watch movies. They are all great kids. I went to archery practice, where I bruised my arm up real nice and had a nice solo chat with Simon, who I greatly admire. Back at home, I watched the rest of Peter Pan with the kids. What a great movie -- so much sexual symbolism and nuance. Then I read and went to bed where I dreamed happy dreams.

Friday, June 11, 2004
At work, I watched Reagan's funeral with a few co-workers. We were all teary eyed. Also, the main characters from HMS Pinafore were in the photography studio for pictures. The sailor looks very much like Joe. It was hard to look at him. I hope he didn't notice me staring. Joe is in the past, where he belongs, and I'm glad. His memory is all warm and fuzzy. I still love him, but it is more love of an idea than a real person.

Thursday, June 17, 2004
That cute guy from down the hall just walked by. He looked in my office, too, as he went by. I sure hope I looked good. I bet I don't. I think he has a slight crush on me, just like I have on him. We're similar types -- quiet with bright eyes.

One of the members of a list I'm on shared part of a story with us: A Dog's Tale by Mark Twain. I found the whole thing online. Here's a link: A Dog's Tale. Don't read it unless you've got a box of Kleenex handy.

I'm listening to music from the Cowboy Cultural Society (www.cowboyculturalsociety.com). It's great. I love this kind of stuff.

Monday, June 21, 2004
First day of uPortal seminar. Ive been tapped to be the XSLT queen at work, working on our new student and faculty portal. I've no idea what the whole thing is about; hence my presence here. It's all beginning to make sense. Meals and snacks are included in the fee, and boy, does this place do them right. The delicous meals start with a soup or salad and finish with dessert, all gourmet and of huge portions. I'm stuffed.

Rhiannon comes home today for a week's vacation. Yea! After the seminar finishes, I've the rest of the week off.

Monday, June 28, 2004
What a great week. Rhiannon was a loving, wonderful, fun presence. She chose to hang around with us rather than going up to town to see her boyfriend. That can mean only one thing -- they've broken up. That's too bad. She didn't talk about it. I hope she's not taking it too hard.

So I got her full time. We watched movies, played games, and ate out. We went to several extended family dinner parties. She treated us all to jalepeno poppers at Beau Jo's afrer which we walked on the mall -- a new family tradition. She and I went to the Cheesecake Factory for dessert. They must have twenty different kinds of cheesecake there. I've had several of the flavors now, and I can most definitely say that cheesecake reaches the pinnacle of perfection when it is simple. If you are searching for perfection in a cheesecake, choose simplicity. Most everything else is downhill.

The new Michael Moore movie, Farenheit 9/11, is out. I've seen his 'Roger and Me' and 'Bowling for Columbine.' Both are an outrageous mix of half-truths, exaggerations, manipulations, outright lies, editing so tight that truth is left behind, and shock-jock reporting. I can't imagine that Faranheit 9/11 is any different.

Month of May 2004

Saturday, May 1, 2004
Quest for the Unicorn's Horn. I went for the morning and I did okay. I worked Troll for a while which gave me an opportunity to meet people. I very much enjoyed that. I also talked to Cecily at length and chatted with Lia and Reshana. I danced in the Maypole dance which was a lot of fun. I didn't sing to the Baronness, which I should have done, if only to practice my song in front of an audience so I can sing it at a bardic sometime. Plus I would have won a token. I was overcome with panic several times. I look out over the field and think "Oh my god, who am I going to talk to next." These SCA events are good for me. They force me to get out with people. Someday I'll even be successful!

In the evening I visited my YahooGroup chat room. It's something I do every Saturday. I'm getting to know the girls--it's mostly girls, with the occasional male sprinkled here and there. Nice chat tonight as usual. Charlie confessed that he had never been intimate with a woman. Tami told us a story from her crazy younger days. Jan and Kione contributed wise words. Sue and Sabrina were there, too; the whole gang.

Sunday, May 2, 2004
Slept late, then did chores with the girls, then popped to the library with Kendra for a couple hours, then went by myself to Dad's for a short visit. Mary and Ray were there with their kids. Mary wants to learn to knit. I told her I'd teach her. Not that I'm any good but I do know how to cast on, how to knit and how to purl. I'm going to research medieval knitting. Apparently it came to Europe from Arabia through Spain. Excellent. My persona is Spanish. Spanish knitting will be an excellent bit of history to specialize in.

I've decided to lose six pounds by the end of this month. At 5'6" and 128 lbs I'm not overweight by any means. However, my best weight is 120. I've been slowly inching up over the winter, and now my jeans no longer fit. A few extra pounds makes a big difference, especially when they are all in your ass.

Monday, May 3, 2004
I feel grumpy. I don't know why. Just grumpy. Like no one likes me and I like no one. I huddled in my office all day. Toward the end I finally forced myself to make a connection. I talked to one of my co-workers about his weekend. I usually expect people to run away from me, so while he was talking I kept wondering when he would quit and beat a retreat. He didn't though. He stayed and kept chatting. I'd better do The Work on the belief that no one wants to talk to me.

Michaela was angry at me yesterday because of a punishment I enforced. Today she's better. We had a nice time talking and laughing this evening. She told me about her day.

I was thinking today about how wonderful it has been to have three neat kids. I've been so lucky to be their mom. Each year has been a precious jewel. I wrote these things in my journal and read them aloud to M and K as I wrote. K said it was silly and bit me on the shoulder. (She always does that. It's a love bite.) Then she went and got her homework -- Latin translation -- and read it to me. So I think she liked what I was writing.

Tuesday, May 4 , 2004
I got a lot of things on my to-do list done today, which always makes me feel good. I hemmed the red garb skirt, uploaded another picture to humanclock.com, called my sister, exercised, etc.

Suddenly I feel really fat. It hasn't happened suddenly; my weight has been inching up all winter. But now I can't stand it. Most of my jeans don't fit. My waist is disgustingly thick. My legs are out of shape. My butt is blobby. And yet my upper body is too skinny. My arms are toothpicks. I know the solution: become a swimmer. That will increase chest circumference and muscle mass, giving me a much more balanced look. Maybe I'll have time once my class is over.

Wednesday, May 5 , 2004
Drawing class today. We've got four pictures due next Monday. My pics are Waterfall, The Land of Fruit, Nude 1 (Graphite) and Nude 2 (Charcoal). I'm not done with any of them but they are coming along nicely. The teacher complimented me on my work; said I was drawing with much more confidence this semester than last. It's true.

Drawing class is a very nice class. Did I connect with anyone in class today? Well, I talked with Jerry and Leroy a little. I avoided contact with Billy when I was sitting outside on the steps, but that's only because I was singing a sad song to myself when he came out, and thinking about my dead mother and how wrong I was to resent her all those years. I was sniffling a little and wasn't ready for company.

Thursday, May 6 , 2004
Michaela is failing freshman French. Seems like she's always been failing one course or another, sometimes several at a time, ever since middle school. She's a smart little thing, too, but she just doesn't take school seriously. Missing assignments? Who cares? For Michaela, school is the place you go to be with your friends.

I spent an enjoyable evening at Dad's. Cleopatra with Elizabeth Taylor and Richard Burton was on TV so we watched that for a while. The porch was swarming with mosquitos. They plastered themselves up against the windows. I felt like I was living in an Alfred Hitchcock movie. We also discussed Nan-isms -- the good advice Nan, his mother, had to say. For example:

• Deny it. Even if you're caught bare-assed naked in bed with someone else, deny it. They want to believe you.
• Virtue often gets the credit that should really go to cold feet.
• When you are breaking the law, commit the deed to memory. Don't take pictures to better remember the fun.

I've signed up for the Shyness Group on Yahoo.com. I'm looking forward to sharing painful stores of social anxiety with all the other members. Hurray!

Weekend, May 7-9 , 2004
Enjoyable weekend. Saturday I went down to my brother Ray's to celebrate his son's First Communion. Several other friends of his were there that I did not know. I didn't experience the panic that I did when I went to Tess's a couple weeks ago. However, I didn't talk to them much at all. I just didn't bother myself to do so. Sunday I went to my sister Maria's to teach her how to knit. By the end of the session she was casting on successfully. She said I changed her life. She had been so afraid of the difficulties of knitting that she was psychologically blocked. I cured that.

Rhiannan bought me a spa trip for Mother's Day. She arranged the whole thing long distance from Maryland. It started at 5:30. I went up to town a bit early so I'd have time to find the place. It was near the library. A public jam session was taking place on the lawn, with percussion and dancing. I joined in for a bit, then it was off to the spa where I soaked in a whirlpool for a while, then got an hour-long massage. It was wonderful. Afterward I stopped at a deli to pick up a bite to eat. There was a cute young guy behind the counter who gave me the most wonderful smile. Like he thought I was the most wonderful thing ever. I was confused. Why was he smiling like that? Was I particularly beautiful at that moment because of the massage? He was both cuter and younger than I, and I did not feel worthy of his smile. I was much too embarrassed to connect with him. Afterwards I regretted my embarrassment. From now on I vow to always smile back. If something's going to happen, let it happen!

Monday, May 10 , 2004
I'm now the proud owner of a padded bra. It gives me an excellent profile. Quite impressive!

Tuesday, May 11, 2004
Michaela showed me a message her friend wrote to her. It's in Leet. Can you read it?

/\/\1(-43_4
-3__0 /\/\1(-43_4! -333-333! _33+!!! 15/\/'+ "7" = +0 "+"? 6222! +-15 15 +235 =_/\/, /\/0/\/? 3_3_6-! 1 4+3 /\/\33535 =02 3234<=45+!!! /\/\\/\/4-4-4!!!! \/\/3__, 1 +-1/\/< +-15 1s 3/\/0_6- _33+ =02 +0)4`/! `/0_'23 4 +0)4`/!!! 3\/\/4-4-4444!!! >< - )34+-!!! 3`/3`/3!!!
~ <4+`/

Translation:
Hello Michaela! Hee-Hee! Leet!!! Isn't "7" = to "+"? Grrr! This is tres fun, non? Bleugh! I ate meeses for breakfast!!! Mwahaha!!!! Well, I think this is enough leet for today! You're a today!!! Bwahahaaaa!!! X-Death!!! ByBye!!!~Katy

Thursday, May 13, 2004
Today I'm wearing a bra that holds the girls snugly and close to my chest. Quite a different look. Boyish, really.

I've got a great weekend planned. Archery tonight, knitting party with Maria on Friday, a night at the symphony on Saturday, and ice skating Sunday. Plus reading, drawing, sewing, a little Firefly, some domesticity and some garden work. Sweet!

Friday, May 14, 2004
I was so up this morning. I was flying. I had a wonderful time at archery last night. I didn't do so hot, but I enjoyed being with everybody. And I dreamed about Simon, our archery master. And I was excited about knitting with Maria and her kids. So emotionally I was soaring. But now I've crashed. I feel tired, a bit down, and I'm wondering how I'll have the energy to get through the rest of the day. My weekend plans don't seem so interesting to me as they did yesterday. I think I'll take a nap when I get home. A nap sounds delicious.

Weekend, May 14-16, 2004
Weekend nice. I had a great time knitting with Maria on Friday. Saturday's highlights included a phone conversation with Rhiannon, online myth group chat and a evening at the symphony. Sunday was all about iceskating, cookie making with Sara and dinner out with Michaela, after which we rented Big Fish and stayed up way too late.

Tuesday, May 18, 2004
I have got a ton of half-finished garb to complete and it's taking me forever to get it done. However, I did make a little progress this evening, plus I figured out how to get the straps attached on my quiver. Did I tell you about my quiver? It's a mailing tube covered with red faux snakeskin. Boy, is it beautiful. Also this evening: watched American Idol with Kendall, which was a lot of fun. Fantasia was the strongest singer this evening. She's very good, but she gets a blank look on her face when she sings. It's very odd. Plus she's about as graceful as a scarecrow. The other two contestants did not do well this evening.

Wednesday, May 18, 2004
Here's the plan for tonight: Make a tunic top from the cream and white striped material. Finish quiver.

Thursday, May 27, 2004
The tunic top turned out terrible. I threw it away. No big loss, as the material was $1/yard scratchy polyester. The quiver is great. The quiver is wonderful. I love the quiver.

I've been thinking about my mom. What did it feel like to be so sick? Did she know her death was coming closer? Did she know that she wouldn't be coming back from the hospital?
I was there with her when she died. I held her hand and smoothed her hair, which was more physical contact with her than I ever remember getting. She liked me okay, I guess, but I don't know if she loved me. She probably wanted to but couldn't. Maybe she was just undemonstrative, maybe she couldn't give to me what she never got from her own mom, maybe she was just too overwhelmed by the number of children she had and the difficulty of marriage with my dad.

I didn't know all that as a child, though. I resented her and resented her and resented her.

Memorial Day Weekend, May 28-31, 2004
So how did I do this weekend? Can I count this weekend as successful? Did I meet my watchwords? Did I move toward my goals?

Watchwords: Excitement - Learning - Connection - Authenticity - Mastery - Industry - Awareness

I watched American Beauty with Michaela then looked up the symbolism on the Internet. Roses constricted, roses wild and untamed. I babysat for Tess so she could have some time alone with daughter Emily. Babysitting for Tess is a mind-blowing experience. She's got 9 kids. I went to a party celebrating my nephew's first communion. I got there before anyone else I knew, and while I stood there by myself panic and fear began to descend upon me. Luckily a friendly person with whom I had a slight acquaintance made conversation with me. Then my siblings showed up and I talked with them at length. What else did I do? I drove to the ice rink to skate but it was closed for the holiday. I watched the Indy 500 with Don up till it was rained out. I took Michaela shopping. I enjoyed breakfasts on the porch. I took the family out to Efrain's for our first local restaurant tasting party. I knitted. I worked on garb. I went jogging twice. I attended JCMG chat on Saturday night and talked to everyone for a couple hours. I found a place to shoot arrows nearby. I walked the dog. I watched a Firefly episode. I read XSLT for Dummies. I read a bit of Mythic Image. I drove with Kendall, who is working on her license.

So I had a nice, busy, enjoyable weekend. Once I felt overwhelming panic, but more often I was filled to overflowing with fullness and love.

Month of April 2004

Thursday, April 1, 2004
Morning: I'm sitting down to breakfast in front of my computer. I've got melty Brie on crunchy rice cakes, juicy orange slices and a rich hot carob with steamed milk. The Astronauts are singing retro music on my CD player. Web sites beckon. It's a great morning!

Day: Kendall and her friend Dana pulled a funny April Fool's Day prank today. They scraped the white filling out of Oreos and replaced it with toothpaste. Then they went around school offering the cookies to all of their friends. They still had cookies when English class came around, so they placed the cookies on a plate for everyone to help themselves. Everyone did. They'd take a bite, then spit it out, yelling "What the hell is in these cookies?" It was great.

Evening: The family is assembling for Nan's funeral. Uncle Allen arrived today with Bonnie, Amanda and Kyle. We had a wonderful gourmet dinner at Dad's, prepared by Allen. Lots of talk, laughter and very good food.

Thursday, April 8, 2004
Archery practice this evening. I love these and today was a good one. Because I'm not so good with people sometimes, I pulled a Tarot card before I went to answer the question "What personality trait should I embody in order to be most successful tonight?" I drew the Hermit, which to me means, "Let your light shine." In addition, the Hermit is kind of "my card," that is, it represents me, both numerologically and in personality. Be yourself, said the Tarot. Don't try to be what you're not. Let who you are shine through. So I did and I had a wonderful time. I did fairly well shooting, too. I love this sport!

Tuesday, April 13, 2004
Did I tell you that Rhiannon ran up a huge medical bill while she was camping with the Rainbow Family? She contracted an ear infection, probably the second ear infection of her entire life, and of course she gets it while she's out traveling with people who don't do health care. They tried to cure it with natural remedies but it didn't respond to treatment. Finally she couldn't take the pain anymore and went to the Gila Regional Medical Center Emergency Room to see a doctor. The emergency room is where indigent people get their health care, and a very expensive place to get health care it is. The doctor was with her for fifteen minutes at most but still had no problem billing us $500.00. Fucking highway robbery. She gave them a fake name and SSN so I can't put it on my health insurance. The whole thing was giving me bad dreams -- not because I'm so incredibly honest, but because I didn't want to get in trouble or have Rhiannon get in trouble for skipping out on the bill. So anyway, she's going to pay me $25/month till it's paid back.

Wednesday, April 14, 2004
I've made a vow to draw every day this week. I'll never get better if I don't practice. So far, so good. It's incredible to see something come to life on paper.

I'm listening to an excellent country station just now. Great mix of new songs and oldies. I'm hearing some I haven't heard in years.

Weekend, April 17-18, 2004
I went to a seminar this weekend. It was about "The Work of Byron Katie" and was quite interesting. I went because I heard that this process uses "Inquiry" and "The Work" which are the same words that the Diamond Approach uses. I was hoping to learn the method in a much cheaper way than having to learn it at the Ridhwan Foundation. I've decided not to join the Foundation, by the way, because of the immense amount of money required. My alarm bells were going off. There's probably a scam in there somewhere. Religion should be free. I will, however, continue to read the books and perhaps follow this way on my own. But I'm not going to fork over thousands of dollars per year for the next ten years.

At Byron Katie's seminar I learned that there's another side to the beliefs that we hold true. We believe such things as "My dad is an asshole" or "My mother didn't love me or "I'll never get my emotional needs met" (my particular favorite). Then we filter everything we see through these beliefs. Katie taught us how to question our beliefs, to see them from a different perspective, and to replace them if necessary with beliefs that are more true. I have a lot to work through and so my journal will be very interesting in these coming months. I met a nice man named David who I hope to see again, friendship-wise. He was one of my partners during the facilitator/client sessions. Perhaps we'll meet at one of the inquiry circles in the area. I did not go intending to make any friends, however, and I pretty much kept to myself emotionally. All around me people were connecting and bonding, but I didn't let myself be a part of that. I figured I'd never see these people again, so why bother? (That's probably a belief that I should work through.)

The belief I was working on with David was "My husband should support his family." That can be turned around by saying, "I should support my family" or "His family should support my husband or "My husband shouldn't support his family"." Eye opening statements, the first two, as they do contain truth. I can't see the truth in the last statement unless I give up an underlying belief in the roles of men and women, of husbands and wives, of fathers and mothers.
Here are the four questions you ask of your belief when doing The Work:

1. Is it true?
2. Is it absolutely true?
3. How do you react when you think that thought?
4. Who would you be without the thought?

Then you turn the thought around, i.e., think of its opposite. Is this new thought true in any way? Can you find another turnaround and if so, is this thought true? Find three ways that these new thoughts are true.

Monday, April 19, 2004
I purchased two more tarot decks, even though I said I wouldn't buy any. I bought "Tarot of the Cloisters" because I've always wanted it and Kendall encouraged me, and I bought "Tarot Prediction Deck" because it has pips for the minor arcana. I want a deck that le'ts me interpret the minor arcana the way I want to.

Pat at work and I had a nice talk about spiritual teachers. She was involved in the Diamond Approach for a little. She told me a little about Gurdjieff, who I will read. She would have gone to the Byron Katie's seminar if she'd known about it.

Tuesday, April 20, 2004
I bought a great book at lunch called "Six Ways of Being Religious." Not that I don't already have a lot of books to read. I need to find some medieval specialty, as well, so I have something to talk about with these medieval re-enactment people I hang around with sometimes.

Wednesday, April 21, 2004
"Six Ways of Being Religious" is incredible. Not only that, it goes for $55 on Amazon.com but I spent only $8 for it.

The six ways are:

1. Way of Right Action
2. Way of Sacred Right
3. Way of Reasoned Inquiry
4. Way of Mystical Quest
5. Way of Shamanic Meditation
6. Way of Devotion

We will be looking at Christianity and Buddhism in light of these ways. I like the book very much so far. It seems to be respectful of all religions, most especially in letting them describe themselves rather than looking at them through the lens of Christianity as many Western thinkers have tended to do.

Thursday, April 22, 2004
Oh for heaven's sake, guess who just called me. Joe. He was bored and wanted to chat. So we chatted. I guess that is what I get from him, isn't it? Calls when he needs to pass a bit of time. I had been wondering if and when he'd call. It has been such a struggle for me to get him out of my head. I think about him everyday, but want him to be gone forever! When I catch myself thinking of him, I give myself a slap on the arm in an attempt to associate pain with Joe. Not that I don't already have that association. My relationship with him has been nothing but pain.

Friday, April 23, 2004
Every now and then I think, "I've got to get a handle on this Freud guy. He's been such a big influence in the world of psychology" so I sit down to read his work, but I never get very far before I think, "I bet Freud abused his kids and slept with his clients as well, and he made up this big theory in order to justify his behavior."

An acquaintance showed me a paper he'd written analyzing Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets from a Freudian perspective. His analysis really turned my stomach. It was sick. "Too many flying dicks," as another acquaintance said.

It has been said that psychological theories are nothing more than personal confessions. If so, then Freud must have had huge sexual hang-ups. I wouldn't be surprised if it turned out that he engaged in deviant sexual behavior. I have become a Freud skeptic in a big way.

Sunday, April 25, 2004
Confirmation party for my niece Emily at her house. Tons of people, none of whom I knew. I wandered about feeling a bit panicked. I did manage to get a good conversation going with Emily's other grandpa, all about Cuba and cigars, quite interesting, really, and I was enjoying myself, but then Emily's mother Tess came over. She interrupted us and the flow never came back. I also tried to start a conversation with two gentlemen I was sitting next to while eating but it never really got anywhere. Tough crowd. Panic was descending on me, enveloping and overwhelming me. I was about to go home when my side of the family showed up. Hallelujah!

Wednesday, April 28, 2004
I'm in the middle of making a quiver and a new garb dress. Both are beautiful. Both are low-budget. The quiver is made of a mailing tube covered in red faux snakeskin from the Salvation Army. It is so beautiful it makes me drool. The garb is made from $1/yard navy and black stuff from Walmart that crinkled up along its length when washed. It's beautifully heavy, has a fantastic drape, and the crinkles give it some natural stretch. Plus it feels wonderful. I've put on a medieval-looking metal closure and cream silk sleeves, also from the Salvation Army. I'll wear the gown under a red tabard appliqued with a gold fleur-de-lys. I'd estimate the cost of the materials for this project at $10.

I don't know why I get so excited about making garb and going camping with the SCA. I don't really know anyone. Rhiannon, by the way, wants me to go to Pennsic with her this summer. It would be very fun and very expensive, what with plane tickets, car rental and eating out. I just might do it.

Thursday, April 29, 2004
Life is so great I can't even believe it. I spent the evening with my father and his girlfriend. (Did I mention that she looks just like my mother, may she rest in peace?) We had a wonderful time talking and joking. Later my uncle called from California. He's a great big guy who loves life in a great big way; it was great to hear from him. Dad and I got a lot done. While going through all the papers we found some old photos of people we've loved. We agreed, "It's been great. This life has been a good one."

Two newborn babies lay side by side in their hospital cribs. They looked at one another before they were taken away to their homes and families. Ninety years later, they again lay side by side in the hospital, this time on their death beds. One looked at the other and said, "So, what'd ya think?"

I think it has been great. I think it has been worth it. Right this minute is worth it. It's snowing outside, classical music is on the boom box, and I've got a good job and a good weekend planned. And I'm wearing a Fred Flintstones tie.

Friday, April 30, 2004
I was the staff liaison for our SCA revel tonight. About ten people showed up. We made hobby horses, worked on various projects, and talked. I still get overcome with panic sometimes, even though I've been in the group for a year! I've GOT to overcome this! Too bad I don't know how. Anyway, I sat near the center of the circled tables, hemming my gown, laughing and making comments when appropriate. I didn't command much attention. Sometimes I wish I could think of something to say, but I just can't. It's my own fault. I haven't researched the Middle Ages or come up with any good stories to relate. One can't say anything when one has nothing to say, after all. The rule for social gatherings is PREPARE. It's a rule I usually break.

Month of March 2004

Wednesday, March 1, 2004
What do you do when everything crumbles around you? When the things you thought were true turn out to be empty shells? When you thought you were on the right track but it leads into brambles?

Everything -- Christianity, the tarot, mythology, psychology -- is full of wrong turns and false teachings. What is there? What do you base your life upon? How do you know what is worthwhile?

Thursday, March 11, 2004
Archery practice. Had an excellent time. Max and Simon and I stayed on a bit after everyone else had left. They talked, I listened and occasionally made a comment or asked a question. I admire them both so much. They are so knowledgeable. And Simon is like the perfect guy, for me, anyway. He's soft-spoken, yet very intelligent, knowledgeable, centered and self-confident. Boy, I wish I was like him.

Friday, March 12, 2004
Evaluation at work today. I HATE evaluations because I know I'm not working up to my potential. I know I could be working harder. I waste several hours a day goofing around. I could be focusing on my work, improving, talking to people. As it turns out, though, my boss and our clients are very happy with the work I've been doing. They say I'm quick, thorough and responsive. Which is true. I'm all that. I'm just not as good as I could be.

Joe called while I was in the evaluation meeting. I wonder why? My feelings for him fluctuate. My loving feelings for him are always coming back, and I'm always having to pep-talk myself out of them. I'm always having to remind myself, "Keep in mind, Charity, that you don't want to engage in sodomy" and "He wants a family. You can't give him that."

Joe called back. He called to tell me he talked to my husband this morning. Don called him at work, not knowing it was him, looking for a car part.

I can feel myself slipping into "Nobody Loves Me" mode. The world is starting to feel bleak and empty. I refuse to go there. I'm going to think about who I can love, who I can reach out to and have fun with. Maybe I can beat this.

I need a way to think about him.

Wednesday, March 17, 2004
I was bored out of my mind at art class today. We did a critique of our work. Each of us put up what we've done so far this semester, then talked about our work and solicited comments. Rachel, who is not very good, always has an awful lot to say about her work. Dion, who is excellent, has very little. Too bad everybody's not like him. Our teacher also does a lot of talking talking talking. I was being driven bonkers.

Weekend, March 20-21, 2004
I took Kendra and Michaela up to Glenwood Springs for a long weekend exploring Colorado's geology. We had a great time. We hit the Hot Springs for which Glenwood is famous (very popular but very overrated), hiked aways along Glenwood Canyon, and spent an hour or two in the Vapor Caves, which are dark, steamy, small underground caves. They are just a natural underground sauna, and more "real" than the Hot Springs were. We breakfasted in a local diner and vowed to always eat in local diners. No national chains for us. We also went up to Aspen, where we poked around an art gallery and got ice cream. Besides original work in the gallery, there was lots in the style of some master or another. We felt very intelligent being able to point out Klimpt, Van Gogh, Matisse, and Picasso. We listened to the girls' CDs the whole time. I liked Fountains of Wayne and said I was going to buy them but Michaela said I wasn't allowed to like her music.

Wednesday, March 24, 2004
There are no messages in the cards.

Thursday, March 25, 2004
Life completely and totally sucks. No one cares one bit about me. I talk and people ignore me. More specifically, I post messages on my yahoo groups and no one talks back. I'm Miss Invisible. Why do I spend so much time thinking about how to make my life worthwhile? It never will be, not to anyone. Who cares what I have to say? No one but myself.

You know what. I have such a hard time connecting with people because my mom didn't connect with me. I felt pretty rejected by her and I can't get over it enough to make connections with others. (Her mom did it to her, too, and she had plenty of her own troubles, so I'm not blaming her; that's just how it is.) I am hugely driven by fear of rejection which I cannot get over no matter how much I try. I determined that I would make sure my kids had a solid base and a strong connection with me so that they could go out into the world and make friends. And it worked! Each of them has friends that they hang out with and talk to on the phone. And you know what? I'm jealous! They have what I want. They have what I cannot get.

Sometimes I feel like I'm just waiting for death. I haven't figured out the purpose of life. I probably never will. I'll just drift on through until I'm finally dead.

Weekend, March 26-28, 2004
Busy busy busy. First, a wonderful thing: Rhiannon came home. She came in for the weekend to surprise her boyfriend for his birthday. I picked her up at the airport and was lucky enough to get to spend Friday with her. She was full of stories of her adventures in AmeriCorps. We got her hair cut, bought material for pajama pants (she'd promised pajama pants for two friends in Maryland) and out to dinner at the Cheesecake Factory, an expensive place that specializes in cheesecake, as you might guess. With cheesecake, I discovered, less is more. The restaurant did things to their cheesecakes that shouldn't be visited upon anyone. Mix-ins, for example, are just wrong.

On Saturday and Sunday Rhiannon disappeared to Boulder to hang out with her boyfriend. She brought him home Sunday evening for a visit. What a cutie!

Saturday night I went on-line and spent a few hours with my mythology group chat room. I've only been three times but I'm getting to know and like those people. Sunday I again went to the "Acoustic Brunch" at a coffee house up the street. I love these brunches. I sit at a cozy table, eating quiche, reading a book and listening to live acoustic guitar music performed by a lone artist.

Monday, March 29, 2004
My mother's birthday, may she rest in peace. Rhiannon has gone back home. She is just the neatest thing. She's gone and I miss her.

God, it's pathetic that my children are my social life. I have no one to hang out with but them. Yes, I know, I built my life this way so I have no one to blame but myself. Soon they'll be gone and I'll rebuild.

I'm not really interesting in rebuilding with my husband. He's boring and unintelligent. We haven't had a conversation in years. We have nothing to say to one another. Not only that, I just don't like the guy anymore.

Wednesday, March 31, 2004
Went to Dad's house last night to pay bills and get some tax work done. It's always so nice to be there. I'm very aware that I won't have these times with him forever. Ramona came in from Albuquerque around 10:30 with her kids and dogs. She's come for Nan's interment which will be Saturday. She's got a new Chihuahua. Boy, is it cute. It's like a little rat.

Month of February 2004

Sunday, February 8, 2004
I haven't written yet anything this month because I'm just not in the mood for whining and complaining about my troubles.

I had a nice day today. After chores and the grocery store, I went to the library for a free concert of classical and romantic period guitar solos. Very nice. Later I went down to Tess's to give little Michael a present. He's three and boy is he a doll. I'm in love with him. He's got the look I really like in men -- fair skin, dark curly hair, dark eyes. (FYI: Joe has that look, Don doesn't) His favorite birthday present was a piggy bank and bag of pennies and nickles, from Grandpa. Michael, apparently, likes money and takes it from wherever he can find it -- mommy's purse, his sibling's piggy banks, etc. When he'd put his coins in his new bank, I shook it saying "Money Money Money" and he thought that was great.

Kendall, Michaela and I are having a nice time together, just hanging around. They come into my room and into the kitchen to talk to me. We watched Clueless together yesterday. Very cute movie. With Rhiannon gone there's more space for them.

Okay, here comes a complaint: My brother's been telling me about a marriage retreat coming up in our area called Retrouville. It is designed especially for troubled marriages. He knows of my troubles and is encouraging me to go, but you know what? As long as Don doesn't care to contribute financially to the family, I'm not interested in working out our differences. I'm just not. I don't care to have a good relationship with a freeloader.

Tuesday, February 10, 2004
In all honesty, he's not a total freeloader. I can count on him to keep my car going -- my '74 Saab 900 which he fixed up for me. All we have is very old Saabs because that's all he can work on. And what's weird is that even though he works on old cars all day and into the night, most of our cars don't work that well. I had to rent a car to go down to New Mexico to get Rhiannon because he didn't think mine could make the trip. What does he really do out in the garage all day?

On another note: I am such an idiot. I'm given many many opportunities to get to know people and I usually don't take them because I'm always thinking about how insecure I am. So today, there I am in the same room with Deborah Jinn, MacArthur winner and possible future Nobel prize winner, creator of the Fermionic Condensate, a new form of matter. It was a small room and there's weren't many of us, but I didn't say anything to her, not even "Congratulations."

Wednesday, February 11, 2004
Drawing class this semester is very different from last semester. There are a lot of loudmouth know-it-alls in there this time. It's hard to get a word in edgewise. One girl, Rachel, had a lot to say during the critique about her work and other's work too. Too bad her work wasn't very good. My scribble picture, Still Life in Blue, turned out very well. I am proud of it.

I'm doing Tarot more consistently. I bought four new decks in the past few days. I can't help myself! I'm working with the Voyager Tarot just now -- a busy, jumbled deck, not nearly as beautiful as most reviews say, but I am getting helpful readings. I've also been studying Tarot spreads. I usually do a one-card spread because I'm such a newbie at this - ask a question, draw a card for the answer - but I've learned a little more and and am trying spreads with more cards now. I did a five-card spread on Tuesday on the situation with Joe and me. Yes, I know, I promised to never think of him again and obviously doing a Tarot reading on him doesn't help me toward my goal, however, it is a very interesting subject and a fun one for readings.

I did a "Past Present Future" reading with five cards and my Hanson-Roberts deck.

1	2	3	4	5
More Distant Past	Recent Past	Present	Immediate Future	More Distant Future
I drew:
Judgment (judgment, redemption)	Nine of Swords (guilt, worry, anxiety)	The Devil	Seven of Cups (choice, addiction)	Page of Swords (challenge)

Pretty incredible reading. The past HAS been one of both judgment and redemption -- he angry at me for being less than perfect, me feeling like my whole world is fixed because he's in it. And that Devil -- whatever else it means, it's got a picture of an estranged couple on it. Apparently I'll have to make some kind of choice in the near future. He may be getting in touch with me. This will lead to a challenge to my integrity.

Thursday, February 12, 2004
So, guess who called and left a message on my machine? There it is -- an opportunity to make a choice -- to see him or not. Well, if the future is any indication of the past, seeing Joe will lead to a period of emotional turmoil which I will have to work hard to overcome. It won't lead to a relationship of any kind. He probably called because he wants something. Therefore let's not bother.

Friday, February 13, 2004
Chili party today at work. Everyone who wanted to brought a pot of chili to share. We stuffed ourselves while three judges decided the best of the chilis. I brought a batch using a recipe I'd found on the internet. It was pretty good but it didn't win anything. It had lots of secret ingredients: brown sugar, beer, coffee and cocoa powder. I think I'll call it "Chili with Four Secret Ingredients" from now on. It will be my special recipe.

Sunday, February 15, 2004
I have been thinking that I'd follow the Diamond Approach as a spiritual path but I've discovered I can't afford it. They want money, and lots of it: $100 to join, $170 per month thereafter, individual sessions extra. Sheesh. I could be a Christian for nothing. Maybe spiritual paths are stupid. I definitely reject any spiritual path that leads to "God" since there's nobody there and if there were I wouldn't worship it.

I've been thinking something else -- that my marriage has put me in survival mode. All I want to do is survive: survive his bad moods, survive his verbal attacks, survive the lack of money, survive the loneliness. There's no growth, no self-actualization, no love or self-esteem. And I get all this because I married a Christian. You see why I've left Christianity.

Though, in all honesty, he tries. He struggles with depression and with being unable to cope with the pressures of his life, but he does try. Sometimes.

Wednesday, February 18, 2004
Art class is good. I finished Incoming Globes and am very proud of it. The other students are a talky bunch and I am having a good time in there.

There is no answer to be found in the cards, or in the stars, or in divination of any sort. The answer is within you or it is no where.

I wish Joe loved me. I wish that, 20 years ago, I'd moved back to California and married John.

But he doesn't and I didn't and there's nothing I can do about it.

Friday, February 20, 2004
I complain a lot about Don in this journal but here's a secret. He loves me more than I love him. He always has. He loved me first and when he's in a good mood, he loves me still. It was his love for me that sparked and fed mine for him, and when he turned mean, his bad tempers killed off the love I had.