New Job

Tomorrow I begin my new job as an XSLT developer. I don't feel ready.This is NOT going to work.

Where am I going with my life? What do I WANT? What do I want to be?

Let's do The Work on this: I need to make something of my life. Is this true?

Answer: Maybe, maybe not. Does it matter if I've written a bok, or raised good kids, or been responsible? Answer: I can't know. I'll never know. Maybe yes, maybe no. I do not know if what I do is ultimately good or bad. How would you judge it? By the effect my life has had on others. The bigger the effect the better. The better their lives are, the better I've done.

So who's judging? God? Others? Yes, others. History judges. If my name is in the history books then my life will have been worthwhile.

No, Daisy, then your life will have been noteworthy. It's not necessarily the same thing. Besides, why care what the history books say? I do, because then others will remember me. I'll have achieved some level of immortality. Like in Goodbye Mr. Chips. He remembered all the kids. Someone will have said of me, I remember you; I see you; I love the manifestation of the divine that is you.

I need to make something of my life. Is this true?

Answer: Yes, it's true. But I can't ever know if I have succeeded. Therefore, I must life by my own lights and trust the universe. I am the only judge of whether I have succeeded or not. I need to feel I've made something of my life, I need to be proud of me, I need to feel like I've made a difference. That's how I'll judge -- my looking within at my own reactions to what I've done.