Off They Go

Tuesday, July 21, 2004
I took the family -- sans Rhiannan, of course -- to the airport today and sent them off to Florida. They will play in the sand and surf for a week. Their cousins Alexandria and Graham are there. They should have a great time. I'm so proud of Melanie and Karen. They are so tall and pretty! I stood on the bridge above while they went through the security line below. They looked up at me through the glass roof while they descended down the escalator to the shuttle. Right before they disappeared, I mouthed "You're pretty" to them.

I'm very much looking forward to spending a week on my own. I spent the evening very pleasurably. First, I went to my Dad's, where we stuffed ourselves with steak, corn and mangoes. Back at home, I read Stephen Crane's poetry aloud to myself, thinking frequently of Joe and of Rhiannon. Then I went jogging, took a bath by candlelight, and went to bed.

Joe and Rhiannon are my two great loves. Carrie B. was too, though, wasn't she? I loved her with all my heart. And she broke it.

You know what I want? To be able to say, "I loved. I loved deeply and madly and truly." Whitney Houston: "Didn't we almost have it all? The ride with you was worth the fall."

Thursday, July 22, 2004
Saw Joe today as we both headed off to work. He was getting into his car as I drove by. That guy is getting balder and balder. He pretended he didn't see me, and I didn't slow down to say hi. I'm still obsessed by him. Because I'm an idiot. Because my marriage isn't any good and I have nobody else to think of. Because I felt a deep connection with him.

Life is an adventure. You don't always know what will happen or how things will turn out. You marry and it turns bad. You fall for someone else, who maybe falls for you, but it doesn't go anywhere. That's my adventure, anyway.

Friday, July 23, 2004
Quarterly department staff retreat this morning. What a waste of time. Blah blah blah. Endless talk. It wasn't completely horrible, though. I sat next to Sam S. and we amused ourselves whispering funny comments to each other.

Three day weekend, July 24-26, 2004
What a great weekend. I made it a three day weekend by calling in sick Monday. (Couldn't sleep Sunday night so it wasn't too much of a lie.) I spent the weekend alone, mostly, reveling in my solitude and in my ability to go and do whatever I wanted. I finished a beautiful garb dress. I worked in the extra room downstairs, getting it cleaned out so it can be our family room. I bought a computer desk to put down there. I bought a portable archery target, set it up in the backyard and did some shooting. I had the most wonderful time ice-skating. I'm feeling more and more the way I want to feel out there -- like I'm dancing. I talked to Tess, got a massage from Maria, talked with Raul, who showed me SoulSeek, and visited with Dad. I spent four hours with the JCMG chat room crew on Saturday night. We have a lot of fun in there. We crack ourselves up. I jogged every day. I watched some Fellowship of the Ring and read some Harry Potter. Life is good. Very very good.

July 27, 2004
I spent another sleepless night last night. My back is bothering me. It's jumpy. So I spent the night trying various ways to work out the kinks. Unsuccessfully. They are still in there. Which means a sleepless night is in store for me tonight.

The lack of sleep bothers me greatly, mostly, I think, because of the lack of control I have with it. It's one thing to stay up till the wee hours reading and then be dead tired the next day, as I often do. But at least when reading, I know I can grab a few hours of zzzz's. With my back bothering me, I don't even get that. It's making me feel crazy, as though eternity were closing in upon me as the hours of darkness stretch out. Despair. Blackness. My death approaches, and I haven't figured life out yet.

July 28, 2004
You know what else I want? To serve. To make the world better by my passing through it.