I'm not doing well today

I miss my boyfriend. He spends all his time with Don, who is crazy about him and is all over him all the time. They laugh; they talk; they do little things together; they hang out in the garage smoking and watching T.V. I can't compete with that so I'm not going to.

I'm not high maintenance but I do need some. If I'm not gonna get it I'm out. Joe and Don can have each other. I feel redundant. Joe's got Don for laughter and company, Michaela for a female presence, and porn for sex. I'm just not necessary.

Terri Clark's playing on the radio. God I hate her. I can't stand her voice or her style, just like I can't stand the Dixie Chicks.

You know, no matter how hard I try, I will never ever be able to get what I want. I will always be a scared introvert. That's my biggest secret that I should send to PostSecret. I will never be confident enough to join the group that is laughing and talking outside my door.

Slept Over

I stayed the whole night in his room -- a first. Usually I skip outta there at 2:00 a.m. It was very nice. I always thought I couldn't sleep if someone was touching me. That's not true with him, though. We really do sleep in each other's arms. He woke up at 4:00 which apparently is usual, and we had some nice cuddling and lovely-dovey talk then. Finally went back to sleep and got up at 7:35. Way late!

I've got a really nice boyfriend

I'm reading two wonderful books: Mindful Loving and Inner Radiance, Outer Beauty. As I put the teachings into practice, my relationship with my boyfriend gets better and better. I don't feel so insecure anymore (not so much, anyway). I used to ask him, by way of reassurance, if he loved me. I don't anymore because I don't need to be reassured. And you know what? He says it on his own, lots and lots. He said lots of really sweet things last night. He thinks I'm really sweet. He wonders how he got so lucky.

We're better

We had a short talk about the incident and now we're better. He never did talk about what was bothering him; he doesn't want to keep rehashing it. He did acknowledge that he handled it poorly and should have given me an explanation. He said I was very beautiful and he would never want to hurt me. Fair enough. We had a lovely intimate time in which we talked about how much we loved each other and touched, tentatively, on the subject of marriage. Very scary. I love him sooo much, and he does me, but what if things go wrong? I couldn't take another relationship breakdown.

Something's Bugging Him

He teased me in slightly mean ways all weekend. None of it was really bad by itself but when I review the entirely of it I get pretty angry at being treated that way. Something's bugging him and so he's acting out. I asked him about it but he turned his back, said "What's NOT the matter?" then got out of bed to go watch the Simpson's. Fine. We can be over until, if and when, he can talk about what's on his mind. I don't need snotty treatment. I don't need someone who's not grown-up enough to say what's on his mind. I don't need to hang out with someone I can't talk to. Keep it to yourself.

Thoughts on the situation

My boyfriend is wonderful because he's so manly. He's also smart and funny and good-looking. He thinks I'm pretty and calls me his sexy girlfriend.

On the other hand: he doesn't like it that I'm having an affair. He'd prefer me to be perfect and pure. There's a bit of irony for you, eh? He wishes I were not the kind of person who would have an affair. What am I supposed to do with that? Answer: I can't be with him anymore. I spent many years with someone who despised me (that would be my husband, Don). I'm not going to do that again.

He's always joking; never being serious. I can't really talk to him. I'm always going to be wanting something from him that he's not going to give. Same old story for the past eight years. What have I ever gotten out of this except the hope and expectation that someday he'll love me? That hope has kept me going for so so long but eventually even I have to wake up. This is NEVER going to be an epic love-affair. He's a light-duty boyfriend, nothing else. A handsome smart funny sexy light-duty guy who spends his evenings watching TV. If I want to spend time with him then I have to become a TV watcher too.

I'm bored out of my mind

J and I haven't spent any decent time together in a while. We've been intimate, but w/o face time I end up feeling used. I'm bored out of my mind. I'm gonna take a break from being the dinner-maker for a while. That makes me feel used, too. I'm gonna focus on training Bandit and Dice, and spend sometime with my new digital camera and photo blog. It's a beautiful day out there; I should be taking photos of tombstones.

Email's Down

Note from our network admin:

It appears email in general is down again. 5-HELP is flooded and tells you to call back, so I'm assuming this is an ITS issue. A few people, myself included, can't log into our email even through WebMail. ITS has been making some email routing changes recently; it could have something to do with that. I'm sure they're working on it. I suggest we all just enjoy our Friday afternoon without the use of a critical business tool that this campus can't keep running for more than three weeks at a time.

Wonderful Love

Joe said that, in spite of its weirdness, what he has now is the best thing he's ever had.

Here's what he has: an inexpensive place to live, a buddy to pal around with, and a girl he's loved for a long time who now loves him back.

It's not the perfect situation but it is pretty close. We can't talk about it with anyone but ourselves, but I'd rather have things the way they are -- two boys and one girl -- than have them be like a storybook romance. I'd be afraid of a one-to-one relationship. I'd be afraid that it would get messed up.

Don said he wants me to be happy and if I love Joe, well, he can accept that.

Webkinz W

Look what I found in the Barking Mad mine today!

Update on the friends sob story from below: In just the two days since I invented Katie, I've been doing much better with real people. Somehow having her gives me a lot of confidence. I've done things I never do -- yesterday I insisted on not being interrupted instead of letting people talk over me like I usually do.

I don't have any friends!

It's true. I don't. I am afraid of people. That makes me not like them. When I was in elementary school I used to cry that to my mother. I wonder if she was secretly glad. I don't think she liked me all that much. Just yesterday, though, I was inspired by a PostSecret postcard to create an imaginary friend. So I did! Her name is Katie and she is exactly like me. I'm not creating a friend who has qualities that I don't have. I don't need that. I want someone exactly like me -- moody, funny-looking, socially awkward, etc.

Also, I'll try to pay more attention to people who ARE nice to me. So far today Kevin L talked to me about his garden; Vicki C. and I had a longish chat about technology; Sam S. told me about a band he thought I'd like.

And have I mentioned lately that my boyfriend is wonderful?

Michaela's Birthday!

She turned 19 on Sunday. I made a Black Forest cake and we had a small party. Kendall and boyfriend Xach came over along with friend Cheyenne. Don got her a couple silly presents. I usually give one large present and supplement the pile with a bunch of small nutty things from the Salvation Army but this year I didn't. Honestly, I forgot to. My dog Bandit and my boyfriend Joe are taking up all my mind.

It was a nice weekend. We rented the new Speed Racer movie and greatly enjoyed it, in defiance of the critics. Joe and daughter L took me sailing on Saturday after which I drove up to Ft. Collins to retrieve Kendall. Sunday I took the dogs to Dry Creek Trail and later to Coal Creek Trail.

Also, Joe told me his desire for me has increased over time. I'm finally getting what I wanted more than anything -- his heart. Honestly I'm not sure what to do with it.

Polyamory

What a week! Joe had another low blood sugar incident on Sunday and I got to nurse him through that. The diabetes and its complications have been a good thing for our relationship because we get to be emotionally close. He cried afterwords and said it hurt to love me. It's been a hard week for him because Don and I had been doing a lot of talking and laughing together, and it looked like we were getting our marriage back on track. He thought he didn't have a girlfriend anymore. I told him the truth about everything -- that I'm not really a poly girl; that I don't want to have sex with anybody but him; that Don had agreed to an open marriage as far as Joe was concerned.

I've been doing a wonderful meditation from the Meditation Station Podcast by Stin Hansen, about visualizing your perfect relationship. It's helping me be MUCH more secure and sure of myself around Joe. Previously I've been insecure and jealous. I've done the meditation three times so far, and things are so much happier for me.

A Waste of $60

Went to dinner (The Taj Indian buffet, $30) and a movie (The Sharp Edge, $30) with Joe last night. It was a waste of money and time. I didn't get much pleasure out of any of it. He managed to squeeze in an insult ("You're a freak") and say he didn't want to be in Don's shoes. I can't help thinking that he only wants to play at love. I'm never going to get that epic passionate love, am I?

In Memoriam: September 11

To those we lost,
and those we love,
and those who watch down from above
and those who weep
and those who cried:
those who loved and mourned and died.
In memory we say our prayers
for worries, sorrows, hurts, and cares.

Written by my daughter Rhiannon

Now What?

A long story short: My husband found out I was being unfaithful. Now we are deciding whether we want to stay together. It's really opened up the lines of communication and friendship -- might be the best thing that ever happened to us. We're talking about why it happened, what it's been like for us in the last 20 years, etc etc.

And what do I want? I wanted an epic and passionate relationship with Joe.
What does Joe want? I've no idea.

Divorce

Don and I have had a couple good talks about the situation. We've admitted -- without tears! -- that we haven't been right for each other since Day One. Let me say that I knew that back then; I turned him down two times because of it. But he was really persistent and so I thought that maybe we could make it after all. Now, 24 years later, we're facing the truth. We've had some really good times and some really really awful times.

I'm glad it's gonna be over. We're both happier. We aren't going to change our living situation. What might change is my relationship with Joe -- it might be over as well. You know what a roller coaster it has been for me, so you can probably understand my feeling of relief about this as well.

Low Blood Sugar again

Don knows.

So the truth all came out last night in a very quiet way. Don found out for sure (he's suspected for a while) that Joe and I are having an affair, and immediately found himself in the position of having to help his competitor.

Don had wondered where we were. He looked everywhere except Joe's bedroom, where we were having sex. Later he asked where we were and if we were having sex. I admitted to it.

At 1:30 a.m. Don woke me up to say that Joe was moaning, then went to the back porch where oddly enough Michaela was smoking a cigarette. I went downstairs to Joe's bedroom where I found him sitting on the floor at the foot of the bed, trying to speak but only able to make noises, very confused, and drenched with sweat, as soaked as if he'd fallen in the river. I administered with difficulty a vial of glucose gel. He's very strong and very heavy and it's hard to make him do something he doesn't want to do. He didn't want to take glucose, he wanted to test his blood sugar. I told him I had tested it and it was low. He understood. I gave him another vial which he took willingly. He got better. I made him take a third one mixed with juice. That third one was waaaaay too much. At 2:15 his sugar tested at 315. I changed his soaking wet sheets for dry ones then went to bed myself but couldn't sleep for a long time, knowing I had saved him only to kill him with ketones. I think I finally drifted off around 4:00 a.m.

Advice from Post Secret

"Free your secrets and become who you are." said Frank of Post Secret.

Thank you God, thank you Universe, thank you Divine Spirit, for this advice.

Don knows now. It's out in the open. He asked right out and I told him the truth.

What does the future hold? I don't know; but I do think it's important to be very very honest with myself and with both of them. If it all blows up then it blows up.

The importance of being mean

He responds well to me being mean. Sunday night we sat down to watch a movie together, just the two of us 'cause Don was too tired. J and I usually take the opportunity to cuddle but this time I rebuffed him strongly. We spent Monday together, it being a holiday, and he was very nice to me -- asked me if I still loved him in the morning, said he loved me, invited me to go with him to Boulder during the day, worried about me when I still wasn't home from Ft. Collins by 11:00p.m. We also talked a little about my concerns of being kicked out of bed for "doing it wrong." So now we're better.

I was doing it wrong

Kendall's double bed wouldn't fit in the car, so Joe very kindly drove it and me up to Ft. Collins. He was distant and closed the entire time. He doesn't like talking while driving, at least not to me. I imagine his other girlfriends chattered happily on and on.

I did manage to find out what went wrong last Saturday when he changed his mind about being intimate. Apparently I wasn't touching him right -- he had wanted me to focus on one area rather than massaging more widely as I was doing. He said I wasn't being receptive and he didn't want to have to keep pushing for it. Something like that. What a bunch of crock. He never said a word at the time, not even when I asked. Not receptive?!?! How dare he make that my fault. Fuck that shit. I need to be able to trust him. I can't be wondering if he's about to shut me out. Now I know for sure that if I make a misstep during sex he will. I'm not going to touch him ever again. It's not worth it.

I loved him so much. And it's only ever been painful.

Webkinz: Three Wishing Wells!

I got three wishing wells today in the Wishing Well 2 game. I was wondering if they ever let you get that. Note my score before the $1000 windfall -- not much.

Work is hard

I am doing an extremely poor job at work. It is taking me FOREVER to figure out a CSS solution for a site I'm working on -- hours and hours and hours longer than estimated.

I am not as weepy as I was yesterday. Also, I've decided not to go down to see Joe at night until he asks. I was politely asked to leave the last two times; I just don't feel like going three for three.

It's not healthy

to need him this much, want him this much, be so insecure about him, be so unhappy when things go wrong, to think about him day and night. It might be better to cut it off. The relationship used to make me happy but I'm not any more. I'm not a better person. My world hasn't opened up. It's closed.

People want to be heard. I don't ever get to be heard. Ever. Not when I was little, not now that I am big. I don't get to talk. I don't get to be listened to. That's the cross I have to bear; that and always being afraid.

Joe took me motorcycling on Thursday and sailing on Saturday. I usually feel like I can't hang out with him since I don't hang out with my husband, and why should my boyfriend get more than my husband does? But I realized this morning that my husband chooses and has always chosen to be away from me. He's always preferred to go to work on the weekends over doing something with me. He's always hated 'recreating.' He's always had something to say to his male friends but nothing to say to me. He used to talk on the phone to Glenn for half an hour at a time. These days he chats happily with Joe in the morning and chats happily with Joe again at night. So I'm going to stop feeling like I owe him something.

J and I had something of an anniversary on Saturday -- the second anniversary of our first time. We were going to celebrate with more intimacy but somehow it fell through at the last minute. More accurately: the last second. There I was in a lacy sheer black nightie but I did something wrong (no idea what; maybe I was too aggressive) and he decided he'd rather go to sleep instead so I had to leave.

I took Kendall up to Ft. Collins yesterday and installed her in her new apartment. She's got a sweet little one bedroom just a block from campus. Classes start today. I bought her a bunch of groceries. I hope she was warm enough last night. College textbook prices are a complete scam.

Life is so much better for me when I'm by myself, walking with my dogs by the creek while listening to my iPod and thinking about divine spirit and the oneness of all things. I'm not afraid when I'm by myself. I wish I wasn't such a loser at social situations.

I am so weepy and emotional right now. I must be getting my period.

Life Update

Rhiannon is going to Georgia to spend Labor Day with her husband. That ticket cost $800 bucks. They are still in their honeymoon period so you gotta spend that kinda money. I'd spend it to go see Joe, but then we're still in our honeymoon period too. Speaking of that, tomorrow is the second anniversary of when we first 'did it,' though we didn't become a couple till more than a year later.

Kendall starts at CSU next week. She's found a cute little place to stay in for only $350/mo. It's been a lot of fun having her and her boyfriend Xach around. I'll miss them when they are gone.

Michaela keeps to herself these days. I think we all exasperate her. Can't blame her there really. She's taking a couple classes at the local community college, but not really working toward a degree. She enjoys her job as a waitress and is getting pretty good at it.

Joe took me out motorcycling yesterday at lunch. We went up Coal Creek Canyon to Wondervue and had lunch at a little restaurant he knew up there. He knows this whole area really well, having studied topo maps and explored it all. We came back via the Gross Reservoir road; saw deer, almost hit a chipmunk, etc. The sky was so blue!

The positive side of negative emotions

Rev. Sky of Unity Church of Hawaii did an excellent sermon on the gifts we get from the so-called negative emotions. I'm happy to say that I knew the flip side already. It was wonderful to hear someone articulate them; it made me more aware.

The upside of anger is power. Which is why I've always loved my anger.
The upside of fear is affirmation of life and of self. You are worth protecting; your fear wants to do just that.
The upside of grief is awareness of the preciousness of the moment. When you are experiencing loss, you are made more keenly aware of how wonderful each moment had been.

So what's the positive side of jealousy? Maybe it's the way it encourages me to keep from putting all my eggs in one basket; to cultivate other relationships.

And what's the downside of love? Probably the way it makes you stupid.

I should stop cultivating love and start cultivating anger, fear and grief. And jealousy.

Doing the Work

Joe should not fall in love with anyone else.
Is this true? Yes
Can I know that this is true? Okay, it's true for me. Maybe not for him. He should do what's best for him.
How do I feel when I believe this thought? I feel awful about both the thought and the opposite thought.
Turn it around:
1. Joe should fall in love with someone else.
- If he needs to, he should.
2. I should fall in love with someone else.
- This thought gives me hope. It won't be the end of the world if he leaves me.
3. I should not fall in love with someone else.
- I can stay in unrequited love forever if I need to.

Jealousy, the green-eyed monster, rears its ugly head once again

Joe spent a large portion of Saturday with Erica and her kid again, just like he did last weekend, and just like last weekend I was jealous. It was much worse this time, though. Last weekend it was tough. This time it was huge, tremendous and overwhelming. I felt childish and small for feeling jealous again, but I'll tell ya, Saturday night was one of the worst nights of my life. I spent most of Sunday trying to cope with the feelings, which I did by 1) absenting myself from home, 2) meditating, breathing and listening to spiritual talks, and 3) spending time with Mary and her kids. These things helped. I didn't want to go to bed angry again, though, so I went down to see him after everyone had gone to bed. I said what I needed to say. "It hurts to love you, baby"; "Are you going to play Brady Bunch with Erica on the weekends now?"; "I wish you were mine." He reassured me yet again in a very intense and loving episode.

He's gone

Rhiannon's husband Zac has gone. He graduated from training at the beginning of this month. August 9th he left for his duty station. Rumor has it he'll be deployed to Iraq in February, to return in August. "What will he do there?" I asked. "Play video games like all the rest of the marines," said Rhiannon. So I guess he'll be okay. She's rattling around, not sure what to do with herself. I get to talk to her more, but I'm a poor substitute. Bless my baby, God.

I guess I saved his life

itshercandy: are you online?
will: yes
itshercandy: just checking
itshercandy: Sorry about the long lunch. My housemate just had a diabetic incident.
will: Hope everyone is ok
itshercandy: He called at 12:30 to tell me his blood sugar had just tested really low. I guess he just wanted someone to know.
itshercandy: So I went over and it's lucky I did because he hadn't managed to stop the downward slide.
itshercandy: He was practically ...
itshercandy: well, he was conscious but unresponsive
itshercandy: so I forced him to sit up and drink the sugar water I had brought
itshercandy: and after a while he got better
itshercandy: so that's one trip to the emergency room averted
will: I'm glad you were there to help
itshercandy: it was actually fairly scary
itshercandy: 'cause I had to pick him up like a baby and hold him while I held the bottle to his lips
itshercandy: so then I stayed with him for a while after that

Another Trip to ER, this one not necessary

But the customer was scared, and so were the other guys.

He had a low blood sugar incident while with a customer. The customer went to Wolfsburg Autowerks, got Jim King and Mark Cervelli, who gave him sugar and took him to the emergency room. The ER people recognized him; said his forehead was healing very nicely.

I can't blame the guys for being scared, but really all they had to do was wait half an hour for the sugar to take effect.

Baby. If I've only gonna get a few years with you, I want to make them really good. Let's go out with a bang.

All Better

See what love does to me? It turns me into a jealous unreasonable crazy person. He reassured me in a way that I found believable. He looks at me and lets his heart show in his face.

I'm listening to Gordon Lightfoot's album Don Quixote. Folk is good but this particular instance is a little bit corny, though the guitar work is absolutely excellent.

Accusation

We went down to the family room for an early dinner. When we leaned together to kiss, I was shocked to smell pussy, and so I said, "You totally smell like pussy." He said maybe it was his armpits; he hadn't showered yet. Come on -- BO doesn't smell like 'down there' plus it was his face I was next to, not his pits. It couldn't have been the chicken, could it? And remember the other day when I saw hair comb in his van? Do I ask him if he's been cheating on me? And then do I believe him if he says no? An accusation of infidelity is the same as a judgment of guilty. I believe he would, if it were easy. And so many girls make it easy.

Oh look, he's calling. I've already decided I won't pick up. There, he didn't leave a message. That's probably the last time he'll call. He's not one to grovel.

Pictures are running through my head -- his face between her legs; her sitting in the passenger seat laughing. She wants the same thing I want -- connection.

Shania Twain's "Whose Bed Have Your Boots Been Under?" is helping me 'cause it asks the questions I'm thinking without being maudlin and sad. "Whose bed have your boots been under, and whose heart did you steal I wonder? This time did it feel like thunder, baby. Who do you run to? Whose lips have you been kissing, and whose ear did you make a wish in? Is she the one that you've been missing, baby.

He called again. And then again. I picked up on the third time. "Are you mad at me?" he asked. "Is it because of American Gladiators?" So I asked if he had another girl on the side, and we talked about it. He said no. He said he couldn't believe I'd think that. Then he said he'd love to cuddle with American Gladiator's Helga. So that wasn't much of a help. No 'I love only you forever.'

I hate wanting him so much; I hate needing him so much. I want to take a break. I'd rather break up than ask him to be different.

Yet Another DKA Incident

He kept his sugar a bit on the high side these last two weeks so as not to risk passing out again. This lead to another bout of Diabetic Ketoacidosis on Saturday. He was throwing up and hiccupping all night Saturday. We recognized it right away for what it was and were able to self-treat rather than going to the emergency room. Last year we had no idea and so wasted two days being sick. This time we started extra insulin right away. I slept downstairs and got up every hour or so to sit with him. It was difficult to keep him hydrated because he'd throw it right back up. The vomiting subsided Sunday morning, and the hiccupping stopped a few hours later.

Narcissus in The Alchemist

I've begun listening to The Alchemist by Paul Coehlo, but don't know if I'll be able to get further than the opening bit. It begins with some body called the alchemist who picks up a book and reads a story about Narcissus who loved to gaze upon his own beauty reflected in the lake. One day he fell in and drowned. The lake turned to salty tears after his death. Turns out the lake had been doing the same thing back at Narcissus -- contemplating its beauty reflected in his eyes. The alchemist thought this was a lovely story, whereas it turns my stomach. The lake did not love or mourn for Narcissus, or even regret the part that it had played in his death. The lake mourned the loss of its mirror. So we've got two selfish people here, who love not the person before them, but what they see in the lover's eyes.

Maybe it's just a bit too close to home for me.

One Year Later, Another Diabetic Incident

Low blood sugar this time. It was July 24, 2007, that Joe went to the ER with Diabetic Ketoacidosis. He has been getting all nervous because the first anniversary of his hospitalization is approaching. How silly and superstitious, I thought. The anniversary of an illness doesn't mean anything. Silly me. The hospital ER just called. Joe was found passed out near the bathroom of his shop. He had apparently had a low blood sugar incident.

Later: He wasn't passed out. He was lying in a pool of blood, conscious but unresponsive, his forehead gashed in several places. Jason from The Carriage Shop found him, and brought Jim King and Mark Cervelli from Wolfsburg Autowerks, who called 911. The paramedics gave him glucose which brought him out of the diabetic shock. He was much better by the time they got him to the emergency room, such that he was able to give them my name and number. The paramedics told me his blood sugar was zero.

Monday Report

Starbucks scares me as there are so many choices. However, after careful research, I was able to successfully make my first personalized Starbucks order -- tall whole milk cafe mocha with peppermint. At lunch, made a trip to Bookworm Used Books. Made 30 bucks in trade credit; bought an iPod/iTunes how-to.

Weekend Report

An excellent weekend, sunny and happy. Let's see... It started Thursday, I suppose, when he picked me up from the company picnic on his motorcycle. He came roaring up; I said, My ride's here" to gasps of general astonishment. Felicia said, "You have a hot boyfriend!" I did get to have my arms around him on the ride home but no more than that. I hadn't been alone with Joe all week so I got pretty grumpy as the evening wore on. Finally on Friday night we were able to get some time to ourselves.

Saturday morning was the annual BVSD book sale, in which the local school district makes its discards available to whoever wants to haul them away. I got three boxes, including some books on herbs and a children's book called "Nobody Knows I Have Delicate Toes" which I gave to Joe. Private joke. I puttered around on Saturday, walking the dogs and getting some shopping done. We three watched "Blood Simple", the Coen Brother's first movie, in the evening. Joe and I got some more time together.

Sunday morning is scheduled for Don and me. I had to convince him. Didn't really want to, but I do want to do my duty and keep him from being too grumpy or suspicious of me and Joe. Sunday afternoon my sister Maria called to ask if having a dog was good for depression. I told her that a dog is a little chid who needs to be trained and taken care of, so not really recommended. Not by me, anyway. She's having some spiritual and emotional difficulties. We're going to the library Monday to find books to help encourage her. Sunday evening I went down to Anne Marie's place, where Dad and Anne and I watched Generation Kill. I loved it. Sunday night Joe and I went out on the trampoline to talk and look at the moon. He said, "I'm here on the tramp with Charity" as though he could hardly believe it was happening. That's just how I feel all the time. More intimate time followed, this one really nice 'cause we got some pillow talk in afterward.

Mrs. Rhiannon in town

What did we do? We kept ourselves busy with small things, just like in the old days -- talking, walking dogs, playing the computer, reading books and watching movies.

Saturday: airport
Sunday: Rose and David went to coin show in Colo Springs
Monday: Birthday dinner at Uncle Richards
Tuesday: swimming with Aunt Jean, Aunt Teresa and all the cousins
Wednesday: ?
Thursday: she spent most of day with Grandpa, later we went to Borders Bookstore
Friday: Hobby Lobby and Borders Bookstore with Michaela; assembled scrapbook decorations
Saturday: airport

He's like a god

Isn't that horribly corny? But it's true. It's like he's carved out of marble. And you know what? I'm no longer jealous of the girls he had before me. They were very lucky to be in his arms. I hope they knew it.

I realize that this blog has degenerated into posts about Joe, Joe and more Joe. I'll try to be better; try to talk more about the other cool things I do. It's just that he fills so much of my head and heart and (admit it) my time. I'm like a teenager again; I'm just another girl who "lives but in her lord." (Dorothy Parker)

He was a little snide again on the phone. Something was bothering him. He 'fessed up to it right away this time: he doesn't like to share me -- not with my kids, not with my dogs, not with another man. I'm so glad he feels that way. I love him so much. I wish I could tell his parents how wonderful I think he is.

No one writes songs about the ones that come easy

He called me up Friday morning and insulted me in various ways. I called him on it, but we weren't able to get to the root of his moodiness just then. I was sooo angry about being treated that way. All weekend I jumped on him immediately at the slightest insult. And he was always very nice to me after I slapped him down.

I've already got a man that can't handle stress. I don't need another guy who takes his problems out on me. I was ready to call the whole thing off. I still am. I don't want a half-hearted love affair. I want a passionate epic affair. I want an affair that that spans years and continents, that transcends time and space. No one writes songs about the ones that come easy.

I know why he behaved that way on Friday. Thursday evening I had told him about the nice things a co-worker had said to me that day. He thought the comments were too familiar and was pretty jealous.

So maybe we are on our way. Maybe you can't have epic without some of the rougher emotions, too.

I want that jackpot

Intimate three nights in a row last week. Haven't had a chance this week. I want that.

I love Jim Bohannon of Boulder, Colorado.

Man I love my boyfriend

I love him SOOOO much! We had a great weekend. His daughter was out of town all weekend and when that happens he spends the day with me. We explored the country roads north of here on his motorcycle and found a cool little off-road spot. His bike is a bit too large for off-roading but we had fun anyway. We set his vintage canvas tent up in the backyard for Kendall and her SO.

What a complainer

Just got a ride in to town with Joe. He's good at talking, mostly about himself, along with complaints about the other drivers and whatever's in the news. He spoke disparagingly of the army's new ray gun. He thinks the U.S. military can be used against American citizens. He probably believes the White House was behind 9/11 and the Katrina mess, too. It wasn't pleasant and I was happy when the ride was over.

Maybe it's all a matter of learning to live with a person. What if I had said, "Will you please stop complaining?" It might have made a difference.

We had a nice evening which included some very sweet intimate time.

Rhiannon got married

And what a beautiful bride.

The trip was mildly horrible as is any trip with Don. I'm ready to ask for a divorce. Why travel with a person who makes travel miserable? He was happiest when he got back home and got to talk to Joe. Don was positively animated -- I never see him that way except when he's with someone else. The two of them sat on the couch and toked up while I brought in all the bags from the car. (To be fair, Joe asked if I needed help. I said no.)

At home I'm feeling completely beleaguered and overwhelmed. Michaela lives at home of course, as do Kendall and her boyfriend Xach, having been burned out of their apartment. The place is bursting at the seams. K and X sleep in my room. I sleep in one of the rooms I rent out to Joe. I am not allowed to let my dogs come in. Kendall and Xach are having a tough time finding a place for the summer so they have asked if they can live in a tent in the backyard.

I'm ready to cut it off with Joe. I've enjoyed loving him though the enjoyment has always been offset by pain. It's reached the point where the pleasure no longer makes up for the trouble.

Kendall and the Apartment Fire

Kendall's apartment building caught on fire in the middle of the night a few days ago. She and her roommate were awakened by shouts and pounding on the door. They had time to put on shoes and coats, then grabbed their backpacks and their two cats. They sat out on the lawn with all the other people, holding their cats on their laps and watching the firemen. They couldn't get their car from the parking lot because it was blocked by fire equipment.

So now they are bunking at our home. We're all waiting for the asbestos tests to come back. If the apartment was contaminated everything in it will be condemned -- the new mountain bike, Kendall's paintings, the college textbooks, clothes, mattress, TV, dishes, couch, dining table, etc., etc.

A teeny-tiny upside: Kendall and Xach are sleeping in my queen-size bed, and I'm in a single bed in the basement guest room. It's right next to Joe's room. He came in for a cuddle last night, told me I was so beautiful and that he loved me.

This is too hard

And so I want to quit. It's just too ridiculous that Don is all over him all even, with me all over him all night. It's ludicrous. I don't want any part of it any more. Also it's just too painful. I want something I'm probably not ever going to have. I'm tired of waiting.

The three of us went hiking on Sunday to Eldorado Canyon. It was lovely. It was also very difficult. I hated pretty much every minute. I can't have a good time when I'm with both of them. It's hard not to notice that Don is a ball-less wimp when he's next to Joe. The only thing he's got the guts for is to yell at me. It infuriates me that he will go spend time in the outdoors with his male friends, but he never would with me and the children. Joe and Don have a good time together. I can't compete. I want out.

Not that it's not painful to be alone. It is. I feel again like I felt long ago -- every breath hurts. Somehow I have to get through the day, and then through the week, and after that the rest of the year.

If he loved me, he would...

1. Want to talk to me.
2. Want to be with me.
3. Listen to me talk every now and then.
4. Be jealous of my husband.
5. Be nice to me.

Are these beliefs true? Can I absolutely know they are true?
He does all of them but #4.

I've got the Loader Lounger!

Not just one, either -- I've got three. They look lovely grouped with several flowering hibiscus trees in my Flower Room.

Webkinz Ancient Theme

I've bought a tiny room which I will decorate with this theme. So far I've got the wallpaper, a trophy pedestal and a brazier.

How do you talk about it?

How do you say you want sex? I don't think either of us knows how to.

"The purple brings out the blue of your eyes"

I caught a pop-fly with my face at Thursday's softball game and went down like a ton of bricks though I didn't lose consciousness. The first thing I said was "That was so easy! How could I miss that?" I continued on in that vein ("I let that hit me in the face!" "How could anyone be so pathetic?" etc.), never asking about my injuries which really impressed my teammates. I lay there in the infield surrounded by worried teammates while EMTs from the other team applied pressure and ice packs. The cuts on my face didn't bleed too badly, but they didn't stop, either. They bled from time of impact until being stitched up an hour and a half later. My nosebleed poured down the back of my throat rather than out the front, a good thing since blood is so upsetting. We forfeited the game and they took me to the emergency room where the doctor put in 15 teeny tiny stitches. Joe and I had planned some private time after the game which we went ahead with even though it was pretty late and I was black and blue. Today a coworker said that the purple brings out the blue of my eyes so it's plum shadow for me from now on!

Are you mad at me?

Yes, because of what you said yesterday about my dog.

He was jealous of the new dog because it's taking all my time. That's not exactly true -- while it does take a lot of time, it's not time away from Joe. it's time away from time I used to spend working out, doing yoga and playing with my first dog.

Ask someone who cares

Bandit, my new blue heeler, spent the day at the veterinarian's yesterday. He got neutered, had blood work to check for heart worms, and had a microchip implanted. Poor puppy! He was very glad to come home. He's spending the day in his cage today as he is not supposed to run around.

The microchip people wanted an alternate contact in case Bandit was lost and they couldn't get ahold of me. I asked Joe if he would do it. He said I should ask someone who cares. Maybe he was joking, but it really hurts. I guess I'm a "love me, love my dogs" person.

Oh look, he's calling me. I'm not going to pick up. I'll maybe call him back this afternoon. Or never. This relationship has been a lot of trouble. It hurts. I hate being as needy as I've been. Plus it's not like I can talk to him. Okay, I admit -- I can't talk to anybody. My self-esteem is too low. But a girl can dream, can't she? She can wish for a boyfriend she can talk to, even though that dream won't ever come true.

Evaluations today at work. I hate this time of year because I think I suck at my job.

Webkinz Rare Item: Legionnaire Armor

I'm one of those nutty grown-ups that plays Webkinz. I've got a little koala named Ukie, who lives in a little house of nine rooms and three yards. Today's rare item is Legionnaire Armor for 7100 Kinz Cash. Ukie's only got 2600 so the he won't be purchasing the rare item today.

Kendall's 21!

On April 6. She and her boyfriend Xach came over for a family party. I made a Black Forest cake for her, and inundated her with silly gifts, though I forgot the most important one -- a Tequila Sunrise.

I love

That's all I can think sometimes. I love, I love, I love. It's an inferno, a storm, a typhoon that destroys all I am. To touch him is bliss. To want him is torture. To love him is pain.

Today

Today I'm wearing wide cut blue jeans, black T and black overshirt.

Bandit Blue is progressing well in car training. He no longer flattens himself on the pavement when I open the car door. Instead he approaches it, looking for his treat. Today I put them even farther back on the seat so he had to put his front feet up on the seat in order to reach them. Dice sits inside. I throw her a treat, then put one up for Blue.

Today as they drove down the street, Michaela's boyfriend Jimmy threw open the passenger door of her car and jumped out. He was angry that she had flirted with another guy. He got pretty scraped up and his leg got run over, too. Too bad it wasn't his head. He's okay, apparently, but the car is definitely the worse for wear. He used such force on the door that he dislodged the hinge. Now the door sticks out like a broken wing.

Is it true? Doing the Work

Here's some inquiry that I need to do:
Joe makes me feel cheap. Is it true?
Joe intends to make me feel cheap. Is it true?
Joe should love me wholeheartedly. Is it true?
Joe does not love me wholeheartedly. Is it true?

I feel them, and I get angry and melancholy, but I don't think they are true.

An interesting way to get rid of me

Joe and I were in the middle of an intimate moment last night when he got up, put on his robe and left the room. I lay there for a bit, puzzled as to what to do, then dressed and went upstairs to find him serving himself some ice cream. "I think my blood sugar is low," he said. "Good night." He patted my shoulder as he went back downstairs. And that was that.

Bad thing number two: Our new puppy bolted out the door as I left for work. It took a bit of a while to get him back in. He did not want to come; he twisted and clawed and bit at my hand as I held his collar which broke at the fastener. Somehow I managed to entice him in; I don't even remember how. I do remember being furious and stomping around the house yelling while he lay cautiously under the table. I threatened to take him to the Humane Society where he should have been anyway.

I'm getting a dog

My sister can't handle her blue heeler puppy. He's the sweetest little thing but she's got a ton of kids herself and he's way too high energy for every one. She called me as she was about to take him to the Dumb Friends League. I said I'd take him. He'll be crated in the front room when I get home. The menfolk think it's a very bad idea.

He's really sweet to me, but ...

but I still have a hard time with it all. I didn't want to come back from North Carolina, for example, just because of the emotional roller-coaster that this relationship is. It's not really his fault; it's because I'm a crazy girlfriend. It's because I take offense where none is intended. It's because I love him so much and am not sure how much he loves me. He's really sweet to me, though. He stays up talking to me. He calls me from work. He hangs around in the front room so I'll bump into him. He says my name. He tells me stories, maybe because then I can admire him and how brave he's been, maybe because he likes the sound of his own voice.

The True Love

by David Whyte

There's a faith in loving fiercely the one who is rightfully yours especially if you have waited years and especially if part of you never believed you could deserve this loved and beckoning hand held out to you this way.

I am thinking of faith now and the testaments of loneliness and what we feel we are worthy of in this world. Years ago in the Hebrides I remember an old man who would walk every morning on the gray stones to the shore of baying seals, who would press his hat to his chest in the blustering salt wind and say his prayer to the turbulent Jesus hidden in the waters.

And I think of the story of the storm and the people waking and seeing the distant, yet familiar figure, far across the water calling to them. And how we are all preparing for that abrupt waking and that calling and that moment when we have to say yes! Except it will not come so grandly, so biblically, but more subtly, and intimately in the face of the one you know you have to love.

So that when we finally step out of the boat toward them we find everything holds us, and everything confirms our courage.

And if you wanted to drown, you could, but you don't, because finally, after all this struggle and all these years, you don't want to anymore. You've simply had enough of drowning and you want to live, and you want to love.

And you'll walk across any territory, and any darkness, however fluid, and however dangerous to take the one hand and the one life, you know belongs in yours.

I love my boyfriend

He came up this morning for a cuddle; things ended up going pretty far. It's just so nice to touch him I can't help it! And he called me once we were both at work! This feels soooo good.

Motorcycle Riding

Joe took me out on the back roads north of Boulder yesterday. It was a lovely sunny day. We saw a coyote, and fires, and satellite dishes. We stopped to say hi to Carol, a friend of his who was walking along the road with a girlfriend.

Then he called me today, twice. He told Don that we'd been out riding so now Don knows I wasn't forthright with him. He told me Carol was an old girlfriend and he'd had her out riding on the motorcycle too.

Now I'm really unhappy. There's NOTHING that is special to me and him, nothing that he's done only with me. Everybody else has been there first. Every cool thing, every special thing, every intimate thing that we have done, he has already done with someone else.

And vice versa, I suppose. Snap out of it, Charity. I swear, you LOVE being melancholy and making yourself miserable.

My Aunt Jane died

Aunt Jane passed away on Leap Year Day. Her body had started reacting very negatively to the chemotherapy, so the doctors took her off it. She went downhill quickly, but experienced no pain and died quietly with three of her four sons around her. The fourth, David, was delayed by blizzard.

I had a wonderful time. I reconnected a little with my cousins; I met Eric's wife Karen, David's wife Pam, Danny's wife Lori and Alan's SO Tristan. Tears came easily at the viewing and the funeral.

I didn't want to come home. It's too complex here at home. They were both very happy I was back; both told me they were glad to have me home. It was Joe that took me to his bedroom for cuddle time before I left, Joe who came up at 4:30 a.m. to say good-bye, and Joe that I had Welcome Home sex with.

Leap Year Day: St. Bridget's Complaint

February 29 is traditionally the day that women can propose to men. Apparently this tradition started in 5th century Ireland when St. Bridget complained to St. Patrick about women having to wait for so long for a man to propose. According to legend, St. Patrick said the yearning females could propose on this one day in February during the leap year. Sometimes today is called Sadie Hawkins Day, though that's not actually correct.

A couple weeks ago I told Joe this little factoid and teased him to watch out for today. I guess he liked that because he remembered. Today when he rang up he mentioned that it was Sadie Hawkins Day. I wonder if he wants me to propose. I'm afraid to. It's too intense. I'll cry.

Besides, even if he said yes, it would all be pretend anyway. It's not like we can really get married.

I can die now

I was thinking how nice life has been, how much I've enjoyed it and how lucky I've been. I'm lucky because I am a mom and I love Joe. I've also traveled a little, ridden horses, been sailing and ice skating and skiing, played softball, been loved by a dog, and on and on. Life has been wonderful, and if it should happen that it is over soon, it would be all right.

Weekend Report

Tons of fun this weekend that I want to chronicle:

First, babysitting with sleepover at my sister's. All the kids were there except the three littlest -- from Emily, 16, to David, 4, makes eight. It was frightfully easy and fun. We played UpWords, watched Peter Pan, and generally goofed around. Tommy, 15, is going goth -- all black, with black hat and black fingerless safety-pinned gloves. I think it's cool. Next day I took them all to Cinema Savers for Enchanted and National Treasure. When the other babysitter arrived I was free to go, so I went shopping! Found a few nice things at the Goodwill and ARC thrift stores.

Joe was soooo happy to see me when I got home. He said he missed me so much. That evening we three watched Fido, the most hilarious and campy movie about zombies. Don went to bed which gave Joe and I opportunity for intimate time together. He said he had wanted to 'self-stimulate' that afternoon, but told himself, "No, Joe, Charity needs that." And it's true. I do need it. I want it and I need it. Sunday morning is intimate time for Don and me, after which he went to work and Joe took me go-carting at an excellent motocross place along I-25 that rents go-carts too. Then dinner, another movie, and more cuddling for J and me. We tell each other "I love you" on a regular basis.

Happy Valentine's Day!

I love my boyfriend and he loves me. He tells me so.

Keyboard + Crumbs = Broken

One by one the important buttons on my keyboard stopped working till the thing barely worked at all. When Kevin heard of my plight he went to the sys admin and got me a new one. It's great! The keys on the right hand side work again! So today I dropped the first crumb down inside ....

Not Quite What I Was Planning: Six-Word Memoirs by Writers Famous and Obscure

Can you sum up your life in six words? I've taken a couple stabs at it:

Jimbo's Wild Ride: I'll come too.

Wasted time being angry; no more.

I love being my kids' mom.

I've always been scared of people.

"Are you happy?"

"Ecstatic. I feel like a kid again."

I cry after yoga class

I've been doing yoga on my own out of a book for more than a year, 15 minutes of work twice a day. A few months ago I joined a real yoga class and am noticing something -- after an hour of work I get fairly emotional. I find myself crying at the end of class.

I'm So Sleepy

Shortly after I got up Saturday morning I went back to bed. I slept most of Saturday, Sunday and Monday. It's Tuesday now. I'm at work but I wish I were sleeping. Nothing's wrong except that I'm sooooo tired. Joe has made some good guesses: maybe I'm pregnant, or maybe I'm depressed. Being pregnant would be the stupidest thing I could possibly do, but I'd be happy anyway. Being depressed is more likely. I AM sad. I'm sad that I'm not married to Joe. That sadness is pervading my entire view of my world and my life. It all seems pointless. I've got nothing to work on and nowhere to go. Life seems bleak and dull again, just like it was when I didn't have him at all. I had to learn to be happy then and maybe I can learn to be happy now.

Please come to a white paging telephone

Daniel Michael Miller II, 24, of Akron, Ohio, had his name legally changed to "The" Dan Miller Experience. His first name is "The" Dan (note the quotation marks please). Mr. Experience, a musician and rapper, says, "I like to do little things in my life that amuse me. This amuses me."

"What would you be?" I asked my boyfriend. He'd be Jimbo's Wild Ride. And I'd be Catherine St. Catherine. Maybe it's our tremendous differences that are what we like about each other. I wouldn't want him to be Joseph St. Joseph, that's for sure. And yet weirdly, deep down we are the same, in a way I can't explain, in a way that Don and I have never been.

American Gladiator

Joe is very happy that American Gladiator is back on after a many-year hiatus.
"You'll watch it with me?" he asked, and I promised I would, not realizing that he would be exclaiming over the fine bodies of the women gladiators. It was a little hard to take. Don has never ever done that so it was a new experience for me. After half an hour I took my knitting upstairs and watched "The Devil Wears Prada" instead.
I had a good think about it and came to some conclusions:
1) When you are in a relationship you can't be doing things that really bother your partner. You give up some freedoms for the pleasure of congenial chats, home-cooking, late-night massages and frequent sex.
2) Goggling other women is a deal-breaker for me. I can't be with a guy who comments on the hotness of other girls while I'm standing next to him.
3) It's wrong to be mad at him without telling him why.
Thankfully we had some time together later. "I just can't watch you salivate over other girls," I said as we settled in on the couch to cuddle.
"They are so hot," he said, "and it would be pretty fine to have them do that to me."
What an idiot. I immediately got up, went upstairs and went to bed.
Next morning he apologized. "I'm sorry, doll," he said. And "This is kind of like being married" and "I think you don't know how hot you are."
He pegged that, didn't he? I was upset because of my insecurities. But hey, I may have a good figure but it's nowhere as good as the female gladiators.