Staying Busy

It is SO NICE to be busy. It gives me a break from thinking about him. He was not in my thoughts for two whole hours just now. Whew!

Christmas plans are whirring up. With just a few days to go I'm finally getting in the mood to buy things and to make sure everyone has something fun to unwrap.

I was nervous yesterday, even fearful, about seeing him after his big admission, so I breathed into the feeling until it dissipated. "Breathing into" whatever I am feeling has been a huge huge help. I'm learning to just be.

"Me too you" I said this morning when he said "love you."

He Said It

We finished Brokeback Mountain last night. It's a movie about us -- obsessive love that can't come out in the open. Neither of us said that but I think we both noticed it. Then I rubbed his back till he fell asleep. Next morning we chatted about the characters, me sitting sleepily in the arm chair by the front door, him putting his boots on. Then "Bye," he said, "I love you." "Whaaaat?" I said in an incredulous tone. So he came over and said it again.

And then he left.

An Excellent Weekend

I was a little moody as the weekend approached, thinking about how he disappeared for three months this time last year, so I thought I'd just stay away from him as much as possible. Friday night was good: I worked on financial matters, then Rhiannon called. We chatted for quite a long time which forced me to stick to my resolution. On Saturday I got a lot done both around the house and on errands -- it was beautiful outside with the sun shining on the snow. I was gone so long that I felt contrite when I returned so I sought him out. We spent some nice time together in the late afternoon, talking while I rubbed his back. Saturday night Don and I went to Don's company Christmas party. I love going to those! I've known those folks for 15-20 years and it is so nice to catch up with them. I was anxious to see Joe again on our return, and he apparently felt the same way. He came up to see me after Don hit the hay and we stayed up till 1:30 a.m. talking and cuddling in the guest room. On Sunday my nieces and I decorated Grandpa's Christmas tree. Back at home, Joe made dinner then he and I played Scrabble and watched part of Brokeback Mountain.

I Love You

He mouthed this last week when I was touching him with my very cold hands. And yesterday he almost gave me the American Sign Language signal for "I Love You" -- though he came to his senses at the last minute and changed his fingers.

I'm angry. Why is it taking so long to say? And why now? Why not last August? Why not last year? Remember this time last year: In November I thought I was pregnant; in December I told him I loved him; in January he disappeared for three months.

I'm angry at myself for being such a wuss and for spending so much time loving someone who hasn't loved back.

Pet Names for My Lover

I've been musing over a loverly name for my new boyfriend. Don and I call each other 'darling' except when we're angry; then we use first names. Joe calls me 'sweetheart' or by my first name, which I really like. I like using his first name, too, except that it's so short. The syllable is over before it's even begun. He likes it when I call him 'Boy' so I'll use that, plus add miscellaneous syllables to his name stretch it out and add meaning: J-boy, J-beau, J-dear, J-daddy. And the occasional 'sweetie pie' and 'sweetheart.'

Something to Say

For the past 47 years I have not had anyone to discuss my day with -- not when I was a child, not when I was married. But now I do! Now I have to remember funny stories from my day, things I thought about, and snippets of news articles I read. I'm not at all used to it, but it makes a nice change. Today I'll talk about the student who writes for our web publication. He's a senior and an English major but that doesn't mean he can write -- journalism is significantly different than creative writing. And there's that couple in Croatia who painted their house white with black spots as a memorial to their beloved Dalmatian who was hit by car. And police are looking for a "Cinderella burglar" -- he left his shoe behind as he made his escape. It's nice to have someone at home who wants to make light conversation. Don has been absorbed in his own concerns for so many years that I just don't think of him as being available.

Offroad Adventures

J wants to buy a new truck, a Suzuki Sidekick that he can take off-roading.

I'm really upset about it because that vehicle is a concrete symbol that he's not mine, that before we met he had an exciting and adventurous life and that he continues to do exciting things that I can't be part of. The only time he's gonna use that car is when he goes camping with his ex and their daughter. I am never going to be able to go off-roading with him. Yes, I'm jealous. I'm jealous of every girl he's ever had, jealous of every adventure he's ever gone on, jealous of everything he's ever done or is going to do without me.

So you see I have become the crazy girlfriend.

On the upside, he looks at me with intensity and says nice things to me.