Wednesday, March 1, 2004
What do you do when everything crumbles around you? When the things you thought were true turn out to be empty shells? When you thought you were on the right track but it leads into brambles?
Everything -- Christianity, the tarot, mythology, psychology -- is full of wrong turns and false teachings. What is there? What do you base your life upon? How do you know what is worthwhile?
Thursday, March 11, 2004
Archery practice. Had an excellent time. Max and Simon and I stayed on a bit after everyone else had left. They talked, I listened and occasionally made a comment or asked a question. I admire them both so much. They are so knowledgeable. And Simon is like the perfect guy, for me, anyway. He's soft-spoken, yet very intelligent, knowledgeable, centered and self-confident. Boy, I wish I was like him.
Friday, March 12, 2004
Evaluation at work today. I HATE evaluations because I know I'm not working up to my potential. I know I could be working harder. I waste several hours a day goofing around. I could be focusing on my work, improving, talking to people. As it turns out, though, my boss and our clients are very happy with the work I've been doing. They say I'm quick, thorough and responsive. Which is true. I'm all that. I'm just not as good as I could be.
Joe called while I was in the evaluation meeting. I wonder why? My feelings for him fluctuate. My loving feelings for him are always coming back, and I'm always having to pep-talk myself out of them. I'm always having to remind myself, "Keep in mind, Charity, that you don't want to engage in sodomy" and "He wants a family. You can't give him that."
Joe called back. He called to tell me he talked to my husband this morning. Don called him at work, not knowing it was him, looking for a car part.
I can feel myself slipping into "Nobody Loves Me" mode. The world is starting to feel bleak and empty. I refuse to go there. I'm going to think about who I can love, who I can reach out to and have fun with. Maybe I can beat this.
I need a way to think about him.
Wednesday, March 17, 2004
I was bored out of my mind at art class today. We did a critique of our work. Each of us put up what we've done so far this semester, then talked about our work and solicited comments. Rachel, who is not very good, always has an awful lot to say about her work. Dion, who is excellent, has very little. Too bad everybody's not like him. Our teacher also does a lot of talking talking talking. I was being driven bonkers.
Weekend, March 20-21, 2004
I took Kendra and Michaela up to Glenwood Springs for a long weekend exploring Colorado's geology. We had a great time. We hit the Hot Springs for which Glenwood is famous (very popular but very overrated), hiked aways along Glenwood Canyon, and spent an hour or two in the Vapor Caves, which are dark, steamy, small underground caves. They are just a natural underground sauna, and more "real" than the Hot Springs were. We breakfasted in a local diner and vowed to always eat in local diners. No national chains for us. We also went up to Aspen, where we poked around an art gallery and got ice cream. Besides original work in the gallery, there was lots in the style of some master or another. We felt very intelligent being able to point out Klimpt, Van Gogh, Matisse, and Picasso. We listened to the girls' CDs the whole time. I liked Fountains of Wayne and said I was going to buy them but Michaela said I wasn't allowed to like her music.
Wednesday, March 24, 2004
There are no messages in the cards.
Thursday, March 25, 2004
Life completely and totally sucks. No one cares one bit about me. I talk and people ignore me. More specifically, I post messages on my yahoo groups and no one talks back. I'm Miss Invisible. Why do I spend so much time thinking about how to make my life worthwhile? It never will be, not to anyone. Who cares what I have to say? No one but myself.
You know what. I have such a hard time connecting with people because my mom didn't connect with me. I felt pretty rejected by her and I can't get over it enough to make connections with others. (Her mom did it to her, too, and she had plenty of her own troubles, so I'm not blaming her; that's just how it is.) I am hugely driven by fear of rejection which I cannot get over no matter how much I try. I determined that I would make sure my kids had a solid base and a strong connection with me so that they could go out into the world and make friends. And it worked! Each of them has friends that they hang out with and talk to on the phone. And you know what? I'm jealous! They have what I want. They have what I cannot get.
Sometimes I feel like I'm just waiting for death. I haven't figured out the purpose of life. I probably never will. I'll just drift on through until I'm finally dead.
Weekend, March 26-28, 2004
Busy busy busy. First, a wonderful thing: Rhiannon came home. She came in for the weekend to surprise her boyfriend for his birthday. I picked her up at the airport and was lucky enough to get to spend Friday with her. She was full of stories of her adventures in AmeriCorps. We got her hair cut, bought material for pajama pants (she'd promised pajama pants for two friends in Maryland) and out to dinner at the Cheesecake Factory, an expensive place that specializes in cheesecake, as you might guess. With cheesecake, I discovered, less is more. The restaurant did things to their cheesecakes that shouldn't be visited upon anyone. Mix-ins, for example, are just wrong.
On Saturday and Sunday Rhiannon disappeared to Boulder to hang out with her boyfriend. She brought him home Sunday evening for a visit. What a cutie!
Saturday night I went on-line and spent a few hours with my mythology group chat room. I've only been three times but I'm getting to know and like those people. Sunday I again went to the "Acoustic Brunch" at a coffee house up the street. I love these brunches. I sit at a cozy table, eating quiche, reading a book and listening to live acoustic guitar music performed by a lone artist.
Monday, March 29, 2004
My mother's birthday, may she rest in peace. Rhiannon has gone back home. She is just the neatest thing. She's gone and I miss her.
God, it's pathetic that my children are my social life. I have no one to hang out with but them. Yes, I know, I built my life this way so I have no one to blame but myself. Soon they'll be gone and I'll rebuild.
I'm not really interesting in rebuilding with my husband. He's boring and unintelligent. We haven't had a conversation in years. We have nothing to say to one another. Not only that, I just don't like the guy anymore.
Wednesday, March 31, 2004
Went to Dad's house last night to pay bills and get some tax work done. It's always so nice to be there. I'm very aware that I won't have these times with him forever. Ramona came in from Albuquerque around 10:30 with her kids and dogs. She's come for Nan's interment which will be Saturday. She's got a new Chihuahua. Boy, is it cute. It's like a little rat.
