The Purpose of Life

Why is it so hard for me to figure out what life is all about? I want to know NOW so I can dedicate the rest of my life to it, whatever it is. I've thought about this question for most of my life. I'll be 47 in a few days. No more thinking. I want to know and act. So I'm the Hermit. I go on spiritual retreat to contemplate life's purpose. I don't have a ton of experience to draw from but I have some. From my experience, what would I say is life's purpose?

First Answer: It's unknowable. That is, we can't know for certain that there is something or someone out there defining our purpose. It's here that I always get stuck. I always find myself wondering and searching for revelation, for meaning outside myself when really it is not there.

Second Answer: Therefore, we must find the answer within. We define it ourselves. And when I consider all that I know of the universe, the living things and the non-living, I find myself in agreement with those who say, "The meaning of life is recursive. The meaning of life is to live."

I love Ayn Rand's thought that man is a heroic being, his own happiness is his moral purpose, productive achievement is his noblest activity and reason is his only absolute. I find that encouraging.

My PostSecrets

What would I put on a postcard and mail to PostSecret?
1. I am afraid of people.
2. When my kids were little I loved them to pieces. I loved being their mom. But when they became teens I knew they were now smart enough to see my faults and reject me. So I rejected them first.
3. I have never felt like I fit in anywhere. Not my friends, not my family, not anywhere.
4. I've always been sane about love. Until last year. Last year I met a guy for whom I would throw EVERYTHING away -- my husband, my kids, my house, my life -- if he would say, "Come with me." And it breaks my heart that he won't say it.

Why Don Likes Joe

You know why Don likes you so much? First, of course, you're easy to like.

Second, you're a bachelor. All his friends are bachelors. He totally prefers the single life -- no kids, no wife, no demands at all, just the game on a big-screen TV, a few beers, a little pot, and a male friend to watch with. What could be more perfect?

Third and most important, he senses that I like you. There's no way he's gonna let himself be jealous. He prefers not to feel those kinds of emotions. Instead he goes the opposite direction -- he tries to be your best friend. He's working his ass off to be your best friend. He's all over you 100% of the time. There's no room for me at all. And what hurts is that you are totally fine with that.

So, I'm officially throwing in the towel; I withdraw my application; I forfeit the game. Team Charity is walking off the field. Score: Don 1, Joe 1, Charity 0. So I won't be over for TV and UpWords anymore, and if Don asks you in for dinner, I'd appreciate it if you would have something to get done at home before he comes over for the evening.

Don and Joe, Best Friends Forever.

I wonder if he ever thinks about me

This is a self-answering question. If you ever have to ask that question of yourself about a guy you are supposedly seeing, the answer is NO!!!!!

White Light Meditation

Just get quiet, sit and meditate on the concept of being surrounded by a fourth dimensional protective aura, and meditate on the concept that you have a divine birthright to health, wealth and happiness, to friendship, confidence and success.

Here on an autumn night

Here on an autumn night in the sweet orchard smell,
Sitting in a pile of leaves under the starry sky,
Oh what stories we could tell
With this starlight to tell them by.

October night, and you, and paradise,
So lovely and so full of grace,
Above your head, the universe has hung its lights,
And I reach out my hand to touch your face.

I believe in impulse, in all that is green,
Believe in the foolish vision that comes true,
Believe that all that is essential is unseen,
And for this lifetime I believe in you.

All of the lovers and the love they made:
Nothing that was between them was a mistake.
All that we did for love's sake,
Is not wasted and will never fade.

All who have loved shall be forever young
And walk in grandeur on a cool fall night
Along the avenue,
They live in every song that is ever sung,
In every painting of pure light,
In every pas de deux.

Oh love that shines in every star
And love reflected in the silver moon.
It is not here, but it's not far.
Not yet, but it will be here soon.

Garrison Keillor 1998

Too Easy for Him

Lunch today. Fairly nice all around, with some unhappy bits. Nice: touching his body with hands and mouth, talking, the good-bye kiss he gave me. Unhappy: I screwed up the food so he went w/o and was insulted when he mocked me about passion. I think he mocked me. I honestly can't be sure of things any more; I'm way over-sensitive when it comes to him.

I do think I'm making this too easy for him. It's time for another shot at leaving him alone. Resolution for this week: If he wants to see me, he can ask me.