Off They Go

Tuesday, July 21, 2004
I took the family -- sans Rhiannan, of course -- to the airport today and sent them off to Florida. They will play in the sand and surf for a week. Their cousins Alexandria and Graham are there. They should have a great time. I'm so proud of Melanie and Karen. They are so tall and pretty! I stood on the bridge above while they went through the security line below. They looked up at me through the glass roof while they descended down the escalator to the shuttle. Right before they disappeared, I mouthed "You're pretty" to them.

I'm very much looking forward to spending a week on my own. I spent the evening very pleasurably. First, I went to my Dad's, where we stuffed ourselves with steak, corn and mangoes. Back at home, I read Stephen Crane's poetry aloud to myself, thinking frequently of Joe and of Rhiannon. Then I went jogging, took a bath by candlelight, and went to bed.

Joe and Rhiannon are my two great loves. Carrie B. was too, though, wasn't she? I loved her with all my heart. And she broke it.

You know what I want? To be able to say, "I loved. I loved deeply and madly and truly." Whitney Houston: "Didn't we almost have it all? The ride with you was worth the fall."

Thursday, July 22, 2004
Saw Joe today as we both headed off to work. He was getting into his car as I drove by. That guy is getting balder and balder. He pretended he didn't see me, and I didn't slow down to say hi. I'm still obsessed by him. Because I'm an idiot. Because my marriage isn't any good and I have nobody else to think of. Because I felt a deep connection with him.

Life is an adventure. You don't always know what will happen or how things will turn out. You marry and it turns bad. You fall for someone else, who maybe falls for you, but it doesn't go anywhere. That's my adventure, anyway.

Friday, July 23, 2004
Quarterly department staff retreat this morning. What a waste of time. Blah blah blah. Endless talk. It wasn't completely horrible, though. I sat next to Sam S. and we amused ourselves whispering funny comments to each other.

Three day weekend, July 24-26, 2004
What a great weekend. I made it a three day weekend by calling in sick Monday. (Couldn't sleep Sunday night so it wasn't too much of a lie.) I spent the weekend alone, mostly, reveling in my solitude and in my ability to go and do whatever I wanted. I finished a beautiful garb dress. I worked in the extra room downstairs, getting it cleaned out so it can be our family room. I bought a computer desk to put down there. I bought a portable archery target, set it up in the backyard and did some shooting. I had the most wonderful time ice-skating. I'm feeling more and more the way I want to feel out there -- like I'm dancing. I talked to Tess, got a massage from Maria, talked with Raul, who showed me SoulSeek, and visited with Dad. I spent four hours with the JCMG chat room crew on Saturday night. We have a lot of fun in there. We crack ourselves up. I jogged every day. I watched some Fellowship of the Ring and read some Harry Potter. Life is good. Very very good.

July 27, 2004
I spent another sleepless night last night. My back is bothering me. It's jumpy. So I spent the night trying various ways to work out the kinks. Unsuccessfully. They are still in there. Which means a sleepless night is in store for me tonight.

The lack of sleep bothers me greatly, mostly, I think, because of the lack of control I have with it. It's one thing to stay up till the wee hours reading and then be dead tired the next day, as I often do. But at least when reading, I know I can grab a few hours of zzzz's. With my back bothering me, I don't even get that. It's making me feel crazy, as though eternity were closing in upon me as the hours of darkness stretch out. Despair. Blackness. My death approaches, and I haven't figured life out yet.

July 28, 2004
You know what else I want? To serve. To make the world better by my passing through it.

Lovely Day

Lovely morning. I awoke from a wonderful dream, all about being part of a fun and loving family. Then I had a delicious breakfast of fried mushrooms on toast with a scrambled egg and coffee which I ate on the back porch. Afterwards I sat there lazily, reading the paper and enjoying the sunshine. Suddenly the dead bird moved! The cat killed it two days ago and left its body on the lawn. Oh my god! It's still alive! Then I saw the snake. It had ahold of the body and was moving it across the lawn toward the bushes. It made quite a bit of progress before it hit a tough spot and gave up. I finished the job for it -- I picked up the remains and threw them in the bushes. Bon apetit, snake.

I watched The Virgin Suicides with Kendall. It gave me alot to think about -- the relationship of parents and teens, of girls and boys, and of grownups to each other and themselves. It's tough, all the worrying I do about my kids. I should just eash off, trust them a little. Except they might do something dumb! Something irrevocable. Emotional hurts and physical hurts can last for a very long time. Anyway, Kendall is a great kid. I'm glad I've got her for my daughter.

Every evening, when I sit on my bed for some quiet contemplation, I feel a happy fullness. My heart swells with gladness. I love this life, warts and all. I love being alive. I don't have all the answers. Hell, I don't have any answers at all, but I love being part of it all the same.

You don't have to do anything

Here's a truth I've realized: You don't have to do anything except live with the consequences of your actions.

You don't have to work, or play, or learnthis or that, or be successful, or do anything at all with your life. You don't! But you do have to life with whatever you've chosen. If you've chosen to read, you won't ice skate. If you chose the beach, you don't have the mountains.

It doesn't matter what you choose. Choose anything you want! They are all good.

Here's another "have to" I heard somewhere that I really like:

There are only two things you have to do: 1) Die. 2) Live until then.

I find these words cut to the heart of the matter.

New Job

Tomorrow I begin my new job as an XSLT developer. I don't feel ready.This is NOT going to work.

Where am I going with my life? What do I WANT? What do I want to be?

Let's do The Work on this: I need to make something of my life. Is this true?

Answer: Maybe, maybe not. Does it matter if I've written a bok, or raised good kids, or been responsible? Answer: I can't know. I'll never know. Maybe yes, maybe no. I do not know if what I do is ultimately good or bad. How would you judge it? By the effect my life has had on others. The bigger the effect the better. The better their lives are, the better I've done.

So who's judging? God? Others? Yes, others. History judges. If my name is in the history books then my life will have been worthwhile.

No, Daisy, then your life will have been noteworthy. It's not necessarily the same thing. Besides, why care what the history books say? I do, because then others will remember me. I'll have achieved some level of immortality. Like in Goodbye Mr. Chips. He remembered all the kids. Someone will have said of me, I remember you; I see you; I love the manifestation of the divine that is you.

I need to make something of my life. Is this true?

Answer: Yes, it's true. But I can't ever know if I have succeeded. Therefore, I must life by my own lights and trust the universe. I am the only judge of whether I have succeeded or not. I need to feel I've made something of my life, I need to be proud of me, I need to feel like I've made a difference. That's how I'll judge -- my looking within at my own reactions to what I've done.

Busy busy busy day

It's amazing how quickly the day goes by. I got almost nothing done again. My list of babysteps toward goals is the first thing I set aside. Didn't meditate, didn't draw, didn't do tarot. Yet I was busy all day!

I walked the dog, cleaned the back porch, made food of various kinds, took Michaela to Walmart for camp stuff, talked to Mike H, took a short nap, read some Loving-What-Is posts, went to the grocery store for picnic food, and knitted a few lines. When evening came, it was off to Grampa's for BBQ and fireworks. Maria, Raul and Anne-Marie came and we all had a wonderful time.

I've come up with a whole bunch of things I can do inquiry on:

I need to know what life is about
I need to have friends
I need to know what to do with this life
I need to build a strong family
I have control over my life
I should be different than I am

I believe these are true, but are they really? I love this inquiry program. It's fantastic, wonderful, freeing. My life is wonderful and interesting.

I've started Victoria Principal's 30-Day Diet. I don't get to eat much, let me tell you. Unfortunately we've had BBQ's each evening since I started, and I was
forced to each much more than allowed. But each day dawns anew, and with it a fresh chance to starve myself.

Friday, July 2, 2004
I am really disgusted with my body. My lower half is shot to hell. God, I can't stand to look at myself. Thick waist, fat rear end, heavy thighs. Sickening. I keep starting various programs, and I keep failing. This weekend I'm starting another one -- Victoria Principal's 30-day Bikini Diet.

Sunday, July 4, 2004
I'm not doing too well with Victoria Principal's 30-day Bikini Diet. She prescribes VERY FEW calories so I'm very hungry. I did very good for the morning and afternoon, then stuffed myself in the evening. Hmmmm. I'll try again tomorrow.

Monday, July 5, 2004
I start my new job today down at ITS (Information Technology Services). I'll be job-sharing between that one as an XSLT developer and this one as an HTML developer. So where are my bosses, who presumably are going to help the transition? They are not here. Further, this whole XSLT thing is very new to me, and I'm not very good at it yet. Therefore, I'm VERY NERVOUS. I'm so nervous I can hardly think straight.