Monday, November 3, 2003
The world must have been a magical place for the Greeks and Romans, with every bit of nature peopled by spiritual beings. They had gods for everything. If you needed help, you entreated the god who had charge of that area. Very much like the Catholic saints. Saints are Catholic versions of the gods of antiquity.
Tuesday, November 4, 2003
I just don't see any reason to be alive, other than getting the kids raised. Once that's done there will be nothing left. I enjoy living, but there's no purpose to it. I enjoy lying here on my bed, watching Michaela play the computer and listening to Kendall's music. That's all nice. But there's no purpose to it. No meaning to life. And there's no one to talk to about my feelings. Don is not a thinker. He does very little wondering.
I realized, when walking the dog, that even though there's no reason to live, I didn't want to kill myself. I may be sad, but I enjoy life enough to want to keep living it.
But why is it that I feel most alive when I'm in the depths of despair? Why do I feel most important, if only to myself, when I contemplate suicide? I keep going back there and back there because that intensity of emotion is the only thing that makes me feel worthwhile.
Wednesday, November 5, 2003
I received a compliment today. I had popped into Rhiannon's place of employment to ask her a question I'd forgotten to ask earlier and to which I needed an answer. I went up to the counter and she said, "Hi Momma." A customer asked in surprise if I was her mother. I look like her sister, the customer said. Wasn't that nice? And may I remind you that Rhiannon is 17.
A good day at art class. One of the students brought pics of his tour in Italy. It was a perfect segue to my Leaning Tower of Pisa joke. I'm always happy when I get to tell that joke. My latest work, Still Life with Drapes, is coming along well. You know what? Drawing feels good because when you're concentrating you enter the Zone.
Friday, November 7, 2003
Rhiannon has asked permission to sleep over at a boy's dorm. She'll be 18 tomorrow and feels this is a step in her growing up. Stop snickering. She doesn't mean having sex, she means having trust -- trust from me that she won't be doing things that are bad.
We had a good talk last night about why one shouldn't have sex outside of marriage. STD's, pregnancy, emotional entanglements, etc. Since we aren't a religious family any more, I can't use the "God says not to" argument. It's a handy argument but it is not one that takes much brain power. As a matter of fact all it does is throw the responsibility for thinking onto someone else. If I can't think of any reasons not to other than that one, then perhaps it doesn't matter.
I gave permission, with the stipulation that she sleep in the dorm's guest room. Stay up as long as you want, Rhiannon, but sleep in the guest room.
Kendall's friend Dana will be spending the weekend with us. We should have a nice time.
I'm looking forward to watching McLaughlin Group and Colorado State of Mind tonight. Those are grown-up shows and, at 43, it's time for me to be a grown-up and take an interest in grown-up things.
Saturday, November 8, 2003
Rhiannon's 18th birthday! It's been a fantastic 18 years. I'm so lucky to be her mom. She wanted to take us out for cheesecake on the Pearl Street Mall. We went to BJ's first for pizza, jalapeno poppers and potato skins, then were so stuffed we skipped the cheesecake. Don didn't come. He was tired from working on my Dad's house. Excursions that include him are usually painful affairs so it was fine with me that he stayed home.
Sunday, November 9, 2003
Went to Cave of the Winds with family, including Don, who was able to sustain a good mood for the entirety of the trip even though he had to change my oil before we left. It was pretty dirty and let me tell you, I'm lucky he didn't blow his top and spend ten minutes calling me incompetent. When we got home he napped and watched TV for the remainder of the day. If there's anybody that gets plenty of sleep, it's him. I went grocery shopping, made cookies with little Sarah, did laundry, made dinner and did some uncluttering.
Monday, November 10, 2003
I was overcome with discouragement at art class today after talking to one of my classmates. He mentioned that he has no time for a social life anymore because he is taking two night classes. He usually likes to go out with friends. It was the contrast between us that discouraged me. I have no social life because I have no friends. Nor do I have time for friends. I go home every night so I can be a mom to my kids. Friends have not been a priority. That's why I have none. They haven't been a priority. On the other hand, I have great kids. Kendall and I had a lot of fun goofing off with the dog. Growing a good family has been a priority for me and I am happy to report success.
I'm also happy to report that Still Life with Drapes is looking very impressive. It's predecessor, Cupcakes, is okay.
Wednesday, November 12, 2003
An excellent day, god only knows why. All kinds of things went wrong. First, the Check Site Links utlity in Dreamweaver went wacko. It replaced the content every single page in my 250 page site with the content of the currently open file. Every single page. Two weeks work destroyed in ten minutes. It was -- and is -- nightmarish, unbelievable and surreal. What gives this story a happy ending is that I had a backup.
Second, I popped in to Rhiannon's live journal to see what she's been up to that she tells the world but doesn't tell me. Found out that she's experimented with drugs and alcohol. Her friends got her drunk for her 18th birthday. There was this angry entry about her father, which I copied here.
Third, my Still Life with Drapes, a work with charcoal and chalk which I worked on for hours and which had turned out very well, was ruined when I sprayed it with fixative. The fixative darkened everything by several shades and removed the subtle differences between highlights and shadows. I had been particularly proud of the reflections on the bottle. All gone. There's one bright spot -- the teacher asked me to leave this picture and my Cupcakes picture so she could photograph them to use in her slideshow of examples.
Friday, November 14, 2003
Today I feel really lucky and full and wonderful. I've had a nice talk with my sister Tessa about friendship. She doesn't do the friendship thing very well either, which surprises me because she's a happy little thing. We didn't commiserate, though. She's not a "poor me" kind of person the way I am. We just talked about our issues and personalities matter of factly. She has more children than I and they are younger therefore she has even less time for friendship than I do. She rationalizes it by saying that friends can drag you down. Silly Tessa. Here's something really cool about her: she's writing a book called A Christian Perspective on Harry Potter, in which she defends the HP books.
I'm happy about my plans for the weekend. I'm going to watch McLaughlin Group and Colorado State of Mind. I'm going to make a garb dress for Rhiannon of white brocade and blue satin. I'm going to watch Memento and take notes in the hope of figuring out its secrets. I'm going to work in my Intensive Journal.
Weekend, November 15-16, 2003
Very busy and productive. Got the dress cut out, both fashion fabric and lining. Didn't sew and fit the bodice which I had planned to do Saturday. I worked hard refinishing the entertainment center. Many coats were required and so it's still not done. Didn't watch the TV shows as originally planned because Don was watching a movie with the girls, a good thing. Didn't watch Memento because I hardly had a moment to sit and relax. I did manage to get out of the house, first to a gem and mineral show with the family and then to the movies with Rhiannon where we saw Master and Commander: the Far Side of the World. Did some more Intensive Journal study, plus laundry, meal planning and groceries. Didn't draw. Did meditate.
Oh my gosh, guess who lives on my street? More accurately, guess whose red Saab is continually parked in front of an apartment building on my street and whose brown van is parked out back? Joe's. No kidding. He had mentioned moving to Lafayette to be near his daughter. I haven't seen him yet so there's a chance I'm wrong about him living here. Suppose it's true -- I can't believe it! First he lives in our old house, now he lives on our street. The universe must be playing a cruel joke on him. Ha ha!
Monday, November 17, 2003
Good art class. We did figure drawing today with a real nude model. She was about 50 and her body wasn't terribly attractive in the conventional sense. Her breasts were flat and her stomach protruded. I suppose I'll look like that some day. I wonder if I've got the guts to be an artists model. I should try it!
I feel so funny right now. I wish I could put my finger on what's wrong. I feel like there's something I really want to do, or really want to have, something that would make this moment perfect, but I don't know what it is.
Tueday, November 18, 2003
Had a huge list of things to do after work, but Michaela asked me to help her build her web site so of course I did. She designed it herself and built the graphics too. I showed her how to export the graphics from Photoshop and how to build a table in Dreamweaver to put them all together. We had a nice time and it looks good. She hasn't yet decided where to post the site.
I finally sewed together and fitted the bodice of Rhiannon's Christmas present garb. Did I tell you it's white brocade lined with sky blue and trimmed with gold? That thing is going to be so BEAUTIFUL when it is done!
Thursday, November 20, 2003
I was in grave danger of descending into one of my dark moods this evening after a unsatisfactory interaction with a co-worker. I did okay conversation-wise, but felt powerless and uncentered and so of course I came across that way. It felt awful. I was beginning to despair and pity myself when Kendall and Michaela showed up at my office. From then on for the rest of the evening I had things other than myself to occupy my mind. 1) Kendall needed me to take her to the university library get books on Charles I at the university library. 2) We popped in to see Rhiannon at work and found she had neither showed up nor called. 3) Michaela needed help with her sewing project incuding a bit of redesigning the pattern. 4) I went to my father's to talk and pay bills. 5) Rhiannon finally came home and explained her day.
Sunday, November 23, 2003
Rhiannon was gone all Saturday, what with work and hanging out with friends. She called in the evening to ask permission to sleep over at Beeman's. He wouldn't be there, apparently, but he gave her his key. I said okay. She promised to come home in the morning. Well, she didn't show up till the last bus came through, leaving me to worry about her all day. I had no idea what to do so I consulted my Love and Logic parenting book. They reminded me that we are raising our kids to go out on their own and when they feel they are ready, we need to let them go. So when Rhiannon got home, I told her I just couldn't go on like this, having to worry about her all day. I thought it would be best if she got her own place.
I've actually been wanting her to get her own place for a while now, but didn't think it was a workable idea because she's leaving for AmeriCorps in January. So we'll see. Maybe we can find one for her for two months.
Monday, November 24, 2003
Big argument with Don this morning. It was a wide ranging argument that started when I told him I thought Rhiannon should move out. He was upset that I didn't consult him, that I never consult him, I shut him out. My point of view is that 1) he's generally unavailable so I can't ask him and 2) when he is around and I ask him for an opinion he says "I don't know." Then we moved on to how I never help him when he asks me. That's true, I don't. I'm already supporting his sorry ass and that's all I want to do for him. Besides, he has told me clearly and forcefully how unhappy he has been with my work in the past and this has destroyed all desire on my part to do any work for him in the future. Then we discussed money. He says that money is all I care about; it's all I've ever cared about; I don't care about him; his role was to provide spermatzoa and money. Hmmmmm. I suppose that is one way of looking at it. I'd say, rather, that his role was to be a loving father and husband and provider so I could stay home with the kids. He also said I was rude to his friends and have a very bad attitude about pot. It's true. I'm not very warm to his friends when they phone. They call and ask for David, I say curtly, "I'll get him" and that's that. And I think pot-smoking is a dirty filthy habit.
And I'm starting to act like him. I'm starting to be mean to him, the way he has been to me. He used to say, sometimes, "I should be nicer to you." Now I can say that to him.
I think I'd like him to leave. Divorce is going to be incredibly painful but I'd rather have that than live with someone who despises me as much as Don does.
I'm going down, down into the depths of despair. I feel it coming. I look into the future and what do I see? Loneliness and isolation. Don despises me. My children will grow up and will go on to their own troubles. They won't have any time or compassion for mine. My father will die and then there will be no one who cares for me.
I've loved being a mom but will it have been worth it? I gave up my life to raise three kids that I love very much. Raising them was life for me. Life and breath and sunshine and sweetness. There won't be anything when they are gone.
Tueday, November 25, 2003
What an emotional rollercoaster yesterday was! Don and I haven't discussed our argument. We never do. We just ignore them until they go away, cowards that we are. He said in the argument I don't accept him the way he is (I don't like it that he is a non-religious unemployed pot head) but you know what? He misrepresented himself when he was courting me. He was a Christian then, wore ties and wasn't getting high. I had no idea he was a doper or that he'd drop the church and take up his habit later.
But that's okay. I'm an atheist now, which is a good thing. I never would have left the faith if it weren't for Don's mistreatment of me. So you see, all things DO work for the good . . . (That's an ironic joke of sorts. It's from scripture, the full text of which read "All things work for the good of them that are called to His service.")
Art class yesterday was great. I had lots of fun joking and talking with my classmates and I made good progress on Nude Reclining with Rocks.
Saturday, November 29, 2003
I saw Joe while I was out walking the dog. He drove by in his red Saab just as I emerged from an alley. We saw one another but didn't make any sign of recognition. Asshole. Slimeball. I knew he lived on my street.
