I Miss My Mom

Spiritual Exercises

OceanGuru (who I think is very wise) writes:

Over the years I have found the following exercises to be most helpful:

1) spend ten minutes reliving the ten biggest winning moments in your past. Feel the 'WINNING FEELING" (Maxwell Maltz, PsychoCybernetics

2) Get quiet and think about how you'd feel if you KNEW with no doubt or fear that all your dreams were going to materialize and materialize sooner than you think. Hold that feeling for several minutes every day.

Ovulation Calendar

"You are ovulating between November 24, 2006 and November 26, 2006", says the Ovulation Calculator at womenshealth.gov. November 24 was the day we did it. That was careless of me. I won't be able to do a pregnancy test until a week after December 10, when my next period is due. If it's positive, then mid-February -- 12 weeks -- will be when we can actually talk about it to other people. Stay tuned.

I'm very happy. I'm very worried. And I feel like I've betrayed both Joe and Don.

I Continue In Love

And I always will. I can't stop! What follows is the shocking confession of a married woman about a man not her husband:

The day before Thanksgiving he took me up to Heil Ranch on his motorcycle. It's beautiful up there; we hiked around a bit; also squeezed in some cuddle time. After Thanksgiving dinner with my side of the family, Don and I popped over to Joe's with some Thanksgiving dinner for him. "You should call me tomorrow," I said softly when Don was in the other room. And he did! On Friday we spent several hours together at his place where we got naked, then had lunch and watched Jimmy Neutrino. Saturday night I popped over by myself while on the way back from visiting my daughter Kendall. We had some nice conversation and more making out. Sunday he brought his daughter over to our place and the three of us did puzzles. I spent the day in a happy daze, thinking about how nice it would be to pregnant. Sunday night Don and I went over to his place to watch James Bond and play UpWords. I won again! He was really sweet to me. So I've seen him every day for five days in a row. And it's still not enough. I want him always and everywhere.

I see now how a baby is an expression of love. I never really thought about it with Don. Our babies just happened along and I felt lucky that he tolerated them. It's not like we wanted to build a family as an expression of our love. That's how I feel about Joe, though. I want to have his baby and build a family together as an expression of our love.

Not that having a baby would make any sense. I'm almost 47, my girls are grown up, I've got a career which I want to keep, and I won't be able to stay home with the child. I'm sure there's tons more reasons, including not being married to the guy. But love doesn't make any sense, does it?

I invited him and his little girl over next weekend to make gingerbread houses for Christmas. They might let me come to Worlds of Wonder with them, too. So I have a nice weekend to look forward to. In the meantime, I'm going to concentrate on my work (become the best!) and my spiritual development (meditation, Science of Mind). I'm going to try to think about something besides his smile and his bright eyes every minute of every day the way I usually do.

Marie Antoinette

Went to see MA this weekend, having greatly anticipated it's release since summer. I was tremendously disappointed. It's boring as hell. Pretty to look at, but boring as hell. Several times during the show I was tempted to cut my losses and leave but convinced myself to stay because surely something was about to happen; surely a story would soon emerge from this jumble of random images. It never did.

The film is nothing more than a series of bright and colorful pictures from the life of Marie Antoinette. Oh sure, there was a little rumbling around the edges that things weren't so bright and happy in France but these issues were largely kept out of the movie. The unhappiness of their country scarcely touched them. There was no development of Marie's character, no in-depth look at what she was thinking or feeling. Surely she thought and felt something of depth over the course of her lifetime. The movie ends with the royal couple riding away in their coach. It looked to me like they got safely away. How can you end a movie about Marie Antoinette with her getting safely away?

I'm blogging this from my dashboard widget. So, he called, momentarily. I saw the caller ID, and as I pondered whether to answer, he apparently decided against it. I don't think I can stand by my promise to myself -- to never see or talk to him again.  

Betrayed Secrets

Last week I asked Tarot for a thought on the situation. I drew two cards, an adjective-noun pair. Three of swords - High Priestess said the Tarot: Betrayed Secrets. Uh oh.

I've decided not to go over to Joe's anymore. I can't stand all this endless up-and-down, does he like me/doesn't he, hot and cold that I've been going through. I want it to be over. I'm going to tell Don that I have a crush on Joe and because of that I don't want to see him anymore. That's as far as I'll go with betraying the secret.

I asked Tarot what it thought of my decision. Chariot-Five of Swords, it said. I've been puzzling the meaning. Victorius Conflict? Masculine Conflict, perhaps? That's certainly amusing but it won't stop me from doing what I've decided to do.