Appreciation

"Ciao, bella" he said before he left the house, and he asked for his good-bye hug. Apparently he's felt the strain in the relationship; it bothered him enough to make him call after he got to work, to say how much he appreciates me, and thank me for the hug, and ask if there was anything he needed to do differently. I told him part of the truth: that I enjoyed having him around and wouldn't want to change that. It's true--I wouldn't want him to leave even though it is difficult at times. I haven't changed my resolution to keep him at arm's length, though. I intend to try yet again to live by the tenets of "The Technique of the Love Affair." I still need peace; I still want my life back.

Later: back at home, I said, "Tell me again what you called to tell me." He said, "I called to tell you I love you very much." "Seriously...," I said. He started to come over and we would have had a very special moment except the window shades were all open and we might have been interrupted.

A Happy Day At Last

Today turned out to be a good day. I managed to get out of the house w/o giving Joe the customary hug, so that was good. I was mopey and weepy all morning as I reflected on how every conversation about 'us' ends the same: he says he has no feelings for me. I've been obsessed with him for seven years. I'm ready to admit that it's all been wasted. I'm ready to have my life back. My mood improved tremendously in the afternoon by virtue of some very enjoyable conversations with co-workers (Bryan and I were laughing so hard!) and some excellent productive work in a few web sites I'm working on (my jQuery work is coming along nicely). I love this job. Oh, and Michaela called to invite me to spend money on her. We're going shopping on Saturday. It's great to be a mom!

Disheartening

Always and forever will be.

"I had the odd sensation this morning of feeling like I was being unfaithful."
"I wish you wouldn't. I have a warm feeling about you two. Do you wish I felt more possessive? I am like Buddha, practicing non-attachment."

So now there's a hollow space.
I'm breathing into it and letting it be.

Yes I wish he felt more possessive. After all that giggling together, too, and reading the paper together, and massage, and hugs, and snuggles, and smiling at me, and coming up to see what I was doing, and "How did you get to be so sweet?" -- after all that he tells me he's "non-attached."

A Golden Cloud of Happiness

I'm floating on a golden cloud. I went to Joe's for cuddle time yesterday. He invited me. It wasn't just cuddling though -- you could crudely call it a booty call. It was wonderful nevertheless and an excellent display of manliness. We're both really happy.