Gaining Forgiveness

One way I approach something like this when I am dealing with a person is - I imagine I'm at a beach on the ocean. The ocean waves are smoothly and peacefully coming in and flowing out. I imagine myself coming in from the right side of the picture along the beach. I guess you'd say, 'I enter from stage left' in theater vernacular.

I feel the sand on my bare feet as I slowly walk a ways along the beach with the ocean to my right. When I feel like it I sit down facing the ocean and watch the waves coming and going, easily and peacefully. I get myself in a very quiet and serene mood. Then I see the person I want to talk to coming toward me from my left. They come up to me and sit down to my left side, also facing the ocean.

I tell myself that this is my soul talking with the other person's soul. That we are talking soul to soul. After we are both sitting there for a few minutes and things are peaceful and quiet between us, I open up to the other soul. If I have offended that person, I apologize. If necessary, I explain my position to that other person and tell them why I was upset with them and/or why I did what I did and again apologize to them for offending them if necessary.

Now this is the important part. After I apologize and explain my position I SIT QUIETLY AND WAIT for their response. I DON'T PUT WORDS IN THEIR MOUTH. I WAIT FOR THEM TO SPEAK. Sometimes I hear what they have to say; sometimes not. Either way, I KNOW THAT WHAT I SAID WENT TO THEIR SOUL AND THEY HEARD WHAT I HAD TO SAY.

Sometimes we get into a discussion, sometimes not. But I never say anything for the other person -- I just listen.

After I have said all I needed to say and I feel as if the other soul has said what they have to say, we sit quietly there on the sand watching the ocean waves again.

Then I put a globe around the both of us. Usually a lightly colored golden globe. We are both inside that globe. Then I fill that globe with all the love, light, peace and serenity that I can. We'll sit in that globe filled with light and love until I feel inside that it is enough.

Then I imagine us both moving toward the ocean inside that globe. That globe floats on the ocean for a while and then sinks until we are completely surrounded by the ocean, which is God's Ocean of Love. I imagine the ocean getting a lighter and lighter color of blue until it turns into a white light and both our souls are bathed in that white
light.

When I feel it's time, I open my eyes and forget about it; let it go. I never speak to that person of this experience, but invariably, after a session like this, that person will respond in the outer world completely friendly and warmly towards me. Our dispute has been resolved.

Fullness

I feel so full of joy right now, for all kinds of reasons: because I get to see Joe tonight, because I'll have lunch with him next week, because I'm going to knit Kendall a Gryffindor scarf, because this weekend I am making a long black skirt and going iceskating, because I love playing UpWords, because I just had a hot chocolate, because I am learning the next level of CSS, because I meditate, because I love the Tao, because I have faith in God's universe and everything is going to be okay.

I'm Such a Liar

I could never let it be over. He calls; I come. And I think,"I get to have sex with Joe again!"

Postcard to Her Friend

What you wrote didn't ruin the card, I loved it.

I won't forget.

I loved your family. Heard you're going to Japan! That is awesome! Write me with the details?

Don't forget me.

(heart), Rhiannon

It Continues to Be Over

Don and I went over to Joe's to catch the end of the football game. I thought it would be a nice distraction for me, keeping my mind off Rhiannon's absence. And it was a nice distraction. We channel surfed and played UpWords. I had a good time. I'm so glad it's over, though. I don't want him to call me; I don't want to pick things back up; I want to let them lie peacefully where they are.

Parables

While at the bookstore, Rhiannon made up a little parable that ended, "The little piggie didn't know the dirt." She prompted me to make up one, too. Here's mine:

"They wandered through the bookstore, picking up this book and that, continually looking for the book that had the answers to their questions. They didn't know that only they could write that book."

Update

I've got four more days and three more nights with Rhiannon. She off with the Marines on Sunday night. She'll spend the night in Denver, then early Monday she ships out. Perhaps I'll go watch her swear in. What's weird is that I'm not upset just now. I'm happy. Is it because the meditation practice is working? Or is relaxation a side effect of the cough and cold pill I took this morning?

In other news, I have no desire to see or speak with Joe. None. After four years of obsessively thinking of him it's finally out of my system, driven out by the embarrassment and humiliation of not having my feelings returned.

I don't know where the future will take me, but it will probably be interesting, possibly even adventurous and exciting.

I'm Too Fat!!!!!

Bad news: I'm 6 pounds over my ideal weight. I tipped the scale at 129 pounds at the doctor's today. No wonder my jeans are all so uncomfortable! No wonder I only want to wear stretch pants! No wonder my butt isn't looking any smaller even though I'm working out almost every day! But now I'm getting serious. I'll drop 2 pounds a week for the next three weeks. You'll see. I'll be my old svelt self before you know it.

Valentine

Roses are #990000;
Violets are #0000FF.
All my base
Are belong to you.

The story of All Your Base
All Your Base movie

Today's Lesson: Want What You Have

"Once there was a way to get back homeward" began to play on the radio, and I became overwhelmed with feelings of loss and disappointment. How do you handle it when what you love is gone forever? What do you do when you can never go home? What if you can never get what you want?

I asked Rhiannon about this. She said to want something else. She should know. All her life she's wanted to be an astronaut. She's smart, she's motivated, she's lucky, and even though the competition is intense she could probably do it. She's also colorblind. When she found that out she had to let that dream go.

Here are the steps to learning to want what you have:

(1) Compassion: notice that others want basically the same things you do for the same reasons.
(2) Attention: be aware of what you are doing and feeling, and do it and feel it completely.
(3) Gratitude: practice being thankful for the incredible gifts you currently have.

Truthfulness

Generally I hide my true feelings. It's only anger and difficult situations that inspire me to truthfulness. Provoked by the disappointment with Joe, I had an authentic conversation with Don for once. It was really nice. We actually talked about how we feel about things and what we want in life and we ended up having a real nice day together.

It's Over

Thank God the drama has ended.

Here's what happened: I went over at lunch for some cuddle time. We got naked but he was unable to complete the act. Afterwards we lay in each others arms and talked. I cried a bit at his failing health. "I love you, you know," I said, and asked if he loved me. Pause. Uh oh. Turns out he is infatuated but doesn't have that depth of feeling. So there it is. I truly AM a slut for sleeping with a guy who doesn't love me, and he really IS just a player. No more, though. I can't whore myself out like that any more with a guy who doesn't love me. You know what's even worse? He probably feels sorry for me. Oh God, spare me from that man's pity.

Damn. It costs $200 to get that diaphragm and I haven't even used it.

I'm such an idiot. I ignored the basic advice: if a guy is crazy about you, he finds ways to see you. He calls you. He can't wait to see you again. He puts in the footwork. He works things out. These are basic fundamental rules of male behavior which Joe did not exhibit. I knew he was not working at this but I pushed ahead anyway. And here I am, finding out that the rules are right, the rules can be trusted. Guys don't change. If they love you, they do certain things; things that Joe did not do. I've no one to blame but myself in all this. He did not use me. I used myself. I am now totally embarrassed and ashamed of myself.

Damn. Now it's back to envying roadkill; back to learning to live without him; back to learning to make each day whole and complete in itself, without him.

My song now:
Love hurts, love scars,
Love wounds and mars
Any heart not tough or strong enough
To take a lot of pain, take a lot of pain
Love is like a cloud
It holds a lot of rain.

The meds have arrived!

Hooray, the meds have arrived! Diazepam is indicated for anxiety and sleeplessness, right? So I took one before I went to bed last night in leiu of a sleeping pill. Well, I still couldn't sleep but this time it didn't bother me. I was okay with having insomnia. I guess you can say the pill half worked.

Anti-Anxiety Meds

I ordered diazepam online. Man, I feel better already, just knowing they are on their way. $80 for 30 5-mg pills which I'll split in half, stretching them out for 60 days. That's a good long time and more than enough. I don't need them every day so these should last at least half a year.

Nothing

He didn't call for private time at all this past week. And yea, it hurts. I wish he wanted me. I wish he needed me. I had a lovely spiritual retreat however. I've begun a serious meditation practice as described in Full Catastrophe Living. I'm doing a body scan meditation every morning, breathing at night, and mindfulness all day. I've needed this for a while as my stress levels get pretty high sometimes due to the anxiety of Rhiannon leaving and the pain of piriformis syndrome. I learned an important lesson Saturday evening while Rhiannon and I were drinking chais at Borders Bookstore -- I realized that worry cuts you off from the happiness of the moment. I've been so upset about her going that I haven't been able to enjoy her presence. I stopped worrying immediately upon understanding that. I don't want to be miserable the last two weeks I have with her. I want to be happy. Can I transfer this lesson to my troubles with Joe? I'll try.

Update 1: Joe called while I was typing. We had a longish chatty pleasant conversation. He didn't ask to see me. He asked me to find size 1 swim fins online for his daughter. Nothing about our love or even our friendship. He's a player. He's just playing.

Update 2: I had a Monster Energy drink at lunch and I'm flying. I have a slight headache but the moodiness is gone. Maybe I don't need to see the doctor about that Valium after all. Maybe Monster Energy drinks are all I need. And they are a hellava lot cheaper than a $130 doctor's visit.