All those things are happening that I've read about.

May 30 I check my phone to see if he's called or messaged. I wonder if he misses me. I keep hoping he doesn't think I let him down. Grief comes in waves. Having to face getting rid of his stuff. Not being able to breathe cuz airways close up. The huge hole Feeling the need to contact him. Starting to do the stuff I routinely did for him and then remembering it's not necessary any more Looking up and thinking you saw them Looking over to where they aften sat but it's empty Guild: He did not want to die. The dailyness of it: everyday I wake up and he's not there.

I did not know the hole would be this big

May 21. I feel like I betrayed him. But he wouldn't go by himself. I practically begged him to. I think I should not be this upset about the loss of a dog. He was only a dog. I don't griev random humans though, do i? It's the relationship that matters. I experienced an "I can't breathe" moment. I really could't breathe, though I was trying to. The airways closed up. He did not want to die. I could see it in his eyes.

Bandit is dead

We put Bandit down on Friday, May 20, 2022. The grief comes in waves. His teeth failed him. They were bleeding continuously. Something in his mouth was bleeding continuously. We, Jim and me took him to the Humane Society in Boulder for euthanasia and private cremation. We'll get his ashes back. I'll put them in the yard with the finches and Dice. Decided last night. Made appt this morning for 1:00. Spent the moring crying and sitting with him. Drove in to Bouder. It was raining. He did not want to go in. He knew, probably. Sat with him while injection. He fell asleep right away. I hope he died then. I'm not totally sure. Yes of course he did. They told me sedative and heart stopper. I thought there would be two injections but there was only one. He fell asleep right away. He's gone. I was with him when he died. I wanted to have been with him when he died. I miss him. I've been crying a lot. I keep thinking he'll call or message. I understand wanting to see the dead so one last time. Wishing I could pet him again. When it's over it's over.

In another universe I'm happy

Not that I'm not happy here, but maybe I could be happier. Surrounded by family and friends, for example, instead of eating dinner alone on my bed.

Last Text with Rhiannon

I was being difficult, admittedly. But she was being particularly assholey, too. God I'm sick of people who believe they know it all. How is it that that's the only kind of people I know? Am I really the only one who doesn't know all that much?

The sad thing is, she won't even notice if I don't text or call her, because we rarely talk. A couple times a year, maybe. She doesn't know me at all, nor I her.

Dice died

Peacefully Monday afternoon. She'd had a breakfast of oat bread, liver powder and egg, and Don had taken her on a walk around the neighborhood. I'm glad we gave her a good life.

Arteriovenous malformation

I've got one. And it bled a little in my brain. That's not a good thing. If it does it again I could be fucked.

Love Poems

I sent him one. He said it was sweet and he didn't know what to say. I am such an idiot. Such a fricking idiot. God I hate myself so much. What a slap in the face from someone I thought loved me. He does just enough to keep himself from being kicked out. And I call that the best I've ever had. I guess it's not hard to top Don, or Dad. This piddly little love IS the best I've ever had. There's only one reason not to kill myself and that's Michaela. It would probably hit her pretty hard. I like to think it would, anyway. I want to be important to somebody.

My siblings

Are people I lived with a long long time ago, when we were very little. We weren't friends then, and I can't pretend we are friends now. I only see them at Christmas. I'm not going to go to Christmas any more, or Thanksgiving either.

Ready to break up

For reals.

He's just so not suitable for long-term boyfriend material. There's no thought for the future with him, there's no planning, no preparation, no dreams. There's just TV, occasional outdoor outings, listening to him tell stories about himself and watching him get high. It's all very much in the present.

I'm not going to tell him, I'm just going to start acting differently.

No obligations.
I'm in charge.
It's my house.
I'll watch whatever I want to, downstairs.
I'll clean off the patio table and do my computer lessons out there.
I'll talk about whatever I want to.
I'll be a bitch and an asshole.
Very excited about the changes.

He uses me; time for me to start using him. No obligations.

Jim ticks me off sometimes

Dickhead. He got all pissed because I called him on his phone instead of coming outside into the cold to find him. He's got a pay-per-use phone so every phone call costs money. Yay! I've got the cheapest boyfriend ever. He can't spend thirty cents on me frivolously. Once we were home, I stomped into his room, flung a dollar at him, and stomped out. He came up to rub my back later, which he never ever does. Perhaps that was his way of making up. Too bad I won't get an apology.

First Post of 2013!

And it's already February.

Foot Surgery

Bunionectomy on Tuesday. Wednesday was horrible but it's getting better.

Still want out

We had (another) nice talk in which I explained my feelings. Jim's great for wanting to understand. But he's still best friends with David. I want out. They are both going to have to go. It's gonna hurt like hell but I've got to get out of here. They are sitting down in the family room right now, watching TV and chatting. I'd like to watch TV and chat with my boyfriend, but there's no room. I refuse to make up a threesome; that's just too twisted. I want them both to go away. I've decided to sell the house. It's gonna be really painful and difficult. But come spring, Jim will still not have a job, David will still not have a job, they will still be best buds, and they will have spent even more time in each other's company than Jim will have spent with me. I want out.

I'm leaving!

I've finally reached the point where I can ask for a divorce, break up with Jim and sell the house.

I hate it here so so much. David and Jim are a real tight couple; there's no room for me.

Independent

D and J went off to Chandler's mine yesterday, leaving me alone for hours. It was the best thing, as these things usually turn out to be, for it gave me the chance to go to Union Reservoir. I realized while there that I'm not capable of being in a successful relationship, want to be like Rose Wilder Lane, and am being forced to be what is best for me -- independent. I'm going to cut my hair as a sign of that.

Finally ready for the future

It's taken many years, but I'm finally ready for the 'Let's get a divorce' discussion with Don. I actually envisioned it, and it went well! Also am ready to move on with my life without J. He's got so many awesome qualities, but there are two deal-breakers: no job, and best friends with Don. I'm okay with moving to a smaller place. Not sure what to do about the dogs. Maybe Rose can take Dice. Bandit will be lonely until I get home but there's no help for that.

I hate myself

Because I suck

New Goal: Wedge Driver

New goal for June: Drive a wedge between Don and YKW. I just can't take the happy friendship that exists between them. I'm going to make them distrustful and unhappy with each other. I'm going to do it by making friendly with Don.

Update July 2013: This turned out to be very hard to do, because I just don't like Don. I don't want to interact with him in any way. But, I'm going to try again.

I Love Jim

And he loves me. He's the one I love. Don't know what the future holds, nor are things perfect. But they are mostly perfect.