This is too hard

And so I want to quit. It's just too ridiculous that Don is all over him all even, with me all over him all night. It's ludicrous. I don't want any part of it any more. Also it's just too painful. I want something I'm probably not ever going to have. I'm tired of waiting.

The three of us went hiking on Sunday to Eldorado Canyon. It was lovely. It was also very difficult. I hated pretty much every minute. I can't have a good time when I'm with both of them. It's hard not to notice that Don is a ball-less wimp when he's next to Joe. The only thing he's got the guts for is to yell at me. It infuriates me that he will go spend time in the outdoors with his male friends, but he never would with me and the children. Joe and Don have a good time together. I can't compete. I want out.

Not that it's not painful to be alone. It is. I feel again like I felt long ago -- every breath hurts. Somehow I have to get through the day, and then through the week, and after that the rest of the year.

If he loved me, he would...

1. Want to talk to me.
2. Want to be with me.
3. Listen to me talk every now and then.
4. Be jealous of my husband.
5. Be nice to me.

Are these beliefs true? Can I absolutely know they are true?
He does all of them but #4.

I've got the Loader Lounger!

Not just one, either -- I've got three. They look lovely grouped with several flowering hibiscus trees in my Flower Room.

Webkinz Ancient Theme

I've bought a tiny room which I will decorate with this theme. So far I've got the wallpaper, a trophy pedestal and a brazier.

How do you talk about it?

How do you say you want sex? I don't think either of us knows how to.

"The purple brings out the blue of your eyes"

I caught a pop-fly with my face at Thursday's softball game and went down like a ton of bricks though I didn't lose consciousness. The first thing I said was "That was so easy! How could I miss that?" I continued on in that vein ("I let that hit me in the face!" "How could anyone be so pathetic?" etc.), never asking about my injuries which really impressed my teammates. I lay there in the infield surrounded by worried teammates while EMTs from the other team applied pressure and ice packs. The cuts on my face didn't bleed too badly, but they didn't stop, either. They bled from time of impact until being stitched up an hour and a half later. My nosebleed poured down the back of my throat rather than out the front, a good thing since blood is so upsetting. We forfeited the game and they took me to the emergency room where the doctor put in 15 teeny tiny stitches. Joe and I had planned some private time after the game which we went ahead with even though it was pretty late and I was black and blue. Today a coworker said that the purple brings out the blue of my eyes so it's plum shadow for me from now on!

Are you mad at me?

Yes, because of what you said yesterday about my dog.

He was jealous of the new dog because it's taking all my time. That's not exactly true -- while it does take a lot of time, it's not time away from Joe. it's time away from time I used to spend working out, doing yoga and playing with my first dog.

Ask someone who cares

Bandit, my new blue heeler, spent the day at the veterinarian's yesterday. He got neutered, had blood work to check for heart worms, and had a microchip implanted. Poor puppy! He was very glad to come home. He's spending the day in his cage today as he is not supposed to run around.

The microchip people wanted an alternate contact in case Bandit was lost and they couldn't get ahold of me. I asked Joe if he would do it. He said I should ask someone who cares. Maybe he was joking, but it really hurts. I guess I'm a "love me, love my dogs" person.

Oh look, he's calling me. I'm not going to pick up. I'll maybe call him back this afternoon. Or never. This relationship has been a lot of trouble. It hurts. I hate being as needy as I've been. Plus it's not like I can talk to him. Okay, I admit -- I can't talk to anybody. My self-esteem is too low. But a girl can dream, can't she? She can wish for a boyfriend she can talk to, even though that dream won't ever come true.

Evaluations today at work. I hate this time of year because I think I suck at my job.

Webkinz Rare Item: Legionnaire Armor

I'm one of those nutty grown-ups that plays Webkinz. I've got a little koala named Ukie, who lives in a little house of nine rooms and three yards. Today's rare item is Legionnaire Armor for 7100 Kinz Cash. Ukie's only got 2600 so the he won't be purchasing the rare item today.

Kendall's 21!

On April 6. She and her boyfriend Xach came over for a family party. I made a Black Forest cake for her, and inundated her with silly gifts, though I forgot the most important one -- a Tequila Sunrise.

I love

That's all I can think sometimes. I love, I love, I love. It's an inferno, a storm, a typhoon that destroys all I am. To touch him is bliss. To want him is torture. To love him is pain.

Today

Today I'm wearing wide cut blue jeans, black T and black overshirt.

Bandit Blue is progressing well in car training. He no longer flattens himself on the pavement when I open the car door. Instead he approaches it, looking for his treat. Today I put them even farther back on the seat so he had to put his front feet up on the seat in order to reach them. Dice sits inside. I throw her a treat, then put one up for Blue.

Today as they drove down the street, Michaela's boyfriend Jimmy threw open the passenger door of her car and jumped out. He was angry that she had flirted with another guy. He got pretty scraped up and his leg got run over, too. Too bad it wasn't his head. He's okay, apparently, but the car is definitely the worse for wear. He used such force on the door that he dislodged the hinge. Now the door sticks out like a broken wing.

Is it true? Doing the Work

Here's some inquiry that I need to do:
Joe makes me feel cheap. Is it true?
Joe intends to make me feel cheap. Is it true?
Joe should love me wholeheartedly. Is it true?
Joe does not love me wholeheartedly. Is it true?

I feel them, and I get angry and melancholy, but I don't think they are true.

An interesting way to get rid of me

Joe and I were in the middle of an intimate moment last night when he got up, put on his robe and left the room. I lay there for a bit, puzzled as to what to do, then dressed and went upstairs to find him serving himself some ice cream. "I think my blood sugar is low," he said. "Good night." He patted my shoulder as he went back downstairs. And that was that.

Bad thing number two: Our new puppy bolted out the door as I left for work. It took a bit of a while to get him back in. He did not want to come; he twisted and clawed and bit at my hand as I held his collar which broke at the fastener. Somehow I managed to entice him in; I don't even remember how. I do remember being furious and stomping around the house yelling while he lay cautiously under the table. I threatened to take him to the Humane Society where he should have been anyway.

I'm getting a dog

My sister can't handle her blue heeler puppy. He's the sweetest little thing but she's got a ton of kids herself and he's way too high energy for every one. She called me as she was about to take him to the Dumb Friends League. I said I'd take him. He'll be crated in the front room when I get home. The menfolk think it's a very bad idea.

He's really sweet to me, but ...

but I still have a hard time with it all. I didn't want to come back from North Carolina, for example, just because of the emotional roller-coaster that this relationship is. It's not really his fault; it's because I'm a crazy girlfriend. It's because I take offense where none is intended. It's because I love him so much and am not sure how much he loves me. He's really sweet to me, though. He stays up talking to me. He calls me from work. He hangs around in the front room so I'll bump into him. He says my name. He tells me stories, maybe because then I can admire him and how brave he's been, maybe because he likes the sound of his own voice.

The True Love

by David Whyte

There's a faith in loving fiercely the one who is rightfully yours especially if you have waited years and especially if part of you never believed you could deserve this loved and beckoning hand held out to you this way.

I am thinking of faith now and the testaments of loneliness and what we feel we are worthy of in this world. Years ago in the Hebrides I remember an old man who would walk every morning on the gray stones to the shore of baying seals, who would press his hat to his chest in the blustering salt wind and say his prayer to the turbulent Jesus hidden in the waters.

And I think of the story of the storm and the people waking and seeing the distant, yet familiar figure, far across the water calling to them. And how we are all preparing for that abrupt waking and that calling and that moment when we have to say yes! Except it will not come so grandly, so biblically, but more subtly, and intimately in the face of the one you know you have to love.

So that when we finally step out of the boat toward them we find everything holds us, and everything confirms our courage.

And if you wanted to drown, you could, but you don't, because finally, after all this struggle and all these years, you don't want to anymore. You've simply had enough of drowning and you want to live, and you want to love.

And you'll walk across any territory, and any darkness, however fluid, and however dangerous to take the one hand and the one life, you know belongs in yours.

I love my boyfriend

He came up this morning for a cuddle; things ended up going pretty far. It's just so nice to touch him I can't help it! And he called me once we were both at work! This feels soooo good.

Motorcycle Riding

Joe took me out on the back roads north of Boulder yesterday. It was a lovely sunny day. We saw a coyote, and fires, and satellite dishes. We stopped to say hi to Carol, a friend of his who was walking along the road with a girlfriend.

Then he called me today, twice. He told Don that we'd been out riding so now Don knows I wasn't forthright with him. He told me Carol was an old girlfriend and he'd had her out riding on the motorcycle too.

Now I'm really unhappy. There's NOTHING that is special to me and him, nothing that he's done only with me. Everybody else has been there first. Every cool thing, every special thing, every intimate thing that we have done, he has already done with someone else.

And vice versa, I suppose. Snap out of it, Charity. I swear, you LOVE being melancholy and making yourself miserable.

My Aunt Jane died

Aunt Jane passed away on Leap Year Day. Her body had started reacting very negatively to the chemotherapy, so the doctors took her off it. She went downhill quickly, but experienced no pain and died quietly with three of her four sons around her. The fourth, David, was delayed by blizzard.

I had a wonderful time. I reconnected a little with my cousins; I met Eric's wife Karen, David's wife Pam, Danny's wife Lori and Alan's SO Tristan. Tears came easily at the viewing and the funeral.

I didn't want to come home. It's too complex here at home. They were both very happy I was back; both told me they were glad to have me home. It was Joe that took me to his bedroom for cuddle time before I left, Joe who came up at 4:30 a.m. to say good-bye, and Joe that I had Welcome Home sex with.