Monday, November 3, 2003
The world must have been a magical place for the Greeks and Romans, with every bit of nature peopled by spiritual beings. They had gods for everything. If you needed help, you entreated the god who had charge of that area. Very much like the Catholic saints. Saints are Catholic versions of the gods of antiquity.
Tuesday, November 4, 2003
I just don't see any reason to be alive, other than getting the kids raised. Once that's done there will be nothing left. I enjoy living, but there's no purpose to it. I enjoy lying here on my bed, watching Michaela play the computer and listening to Kendall's music. That's all nice. But there's no purpose to it. No meaning to life. And there's no one to talk to about my feelings. Don is not a thinker. He does very little wondering.
I realized, when walking the dog, that even though there's no reason to live, I didn't want to kill myself. I may be sad, but I enjoy life enough to want to keep living it.
But why is it that I feel most alive when I'm in the depths of despair? Why do I feel most important, if only to myself, when I contemplate suicide? I keep going back there and back there because that intensity of emotion is the only thing that makes me feel worthwhile.
Wednesday, November 5, 2003
I received a compliment today. I had popped into Rhiannon's place of employment to ask her a question I'd forgotten to ask earlier and to which I needed an answer. I went up to the counter and she said, "Hi Momma." A customer asked in surprise if I was her mother. I look like her sister, the customer said. Wasn't that nice? And may I remind you that Rhiannon is 17.
A good day at art class. One of the students brought pics of his tour in Italy. It was a perfect segue to my Leaning Tower of Pisa joke. I'm always happy when I get to tell that joke. My latest work, Still Life with Drapes, is coming along well. You know what? Drawing feels good because when you're concentrating you enter the Zone.
Friday, November 7, 2003
Rhiannon has asked permission to sleep over at a boy's dorm. She'll be 18 tomorrow and feels this is a step in her growing up. Stop snickering. She doesn't mean having sex, she means having trust -- trust from me that she won't be doing things that are bad.
We had a good talk last night about why one shouldn't have sex outside of marriage. STD's, pregnancy, emotional entanglements, etc. Since we aren't a religious family any more, I can't use the "God says not to" argument. It's a handy argument but it is not one that takes much brain power. As a matter of fact all it does is throw the responsibility for thinking onto someone else. If I can't think of any reasons not to other than that one, then perhaps it doesn't matter.
I gave permission, with the stipulation that she sleep in the dorm's guest room. Stay up as long as you want, Rhiannon, but sleep in the guest room.
Kendall's friend Dana will be spending the weekend with us. We should have a nice time.
I'm looking forward to watching McLaughlin Group and Colorado State of Mind tonight. Those are grown-up shows and, at 43, it's time for me to be a grown-up and take an interest in grown-up things.
Saturday, November 8, 2003
Rhiannon's 18th birthday! It's been a fantastic 18 years. I'm so lucky to be her mom. She wanted to take us out for cheesecake on the Pearl Street Mall. We went to BJ's first for pizza, jalapeno poppers and potato skins, then were so stuffed we skipped the cheesecake. Don didn't come. He was tired from working on my Dad's house. Excursions that include him are usually painful affairs so it was fine with me that he stayed home.
Sunday, November 9, 2003
Went to Cave of the Winds with family, including Don, who was able to sustain a good mood for the entirety of the trip even though he had to change my oil before we left. It was pretty dirty and let me tell you, I'm lucky he didn't blow his top and spend ten minutes calling me incompetent. When we got home he napped and watched TV for the remainder of the day. If there's anybody that gets plenty of sleep, it's him. I went grocery shopping, made cookies with little Sarah, did laundry, made dinner and did some uncluttering.
Monday, November 10, 2003
I was overcome with discouragement at art class today after talking to one of my classmates. He mentioned that he has no time for a social life anymore because he is taking two night classes. He usually likes to go out with friends. It was the contrast between us that discouraged me. I have no social life because I have no friends. Nor do I have time for friends. I go home every night so I can be a mom to my kids. Friends have not been a priority. That's why I have none. They haven't been a priority. On the other hand, I have great kids. Kendall and I had a lot of fun goofing off with the dog. Growing a good family has been a priority for me and I am happy to report success.
I'm also happy to report that Still Life with Drapes is looking very impressive. It's predecessor, Cupcakes, is okay.
Wednesday, November 12, 2003
An excellent day, god only knows why. All kinds of things went wrong. First, the Check Site Links utlity in Dreamweaver went wacko. It replaced the content every single page in my 250 page site with the content of the currently open file. Every single page. Two weeks work destroyed in ten minutes. It was -- and is -- nightmarish, unbelievable and surreal. What gives this story a happy ending is that I had a backup.
Second, I popped in to Rhiannon's live journal to see what she's been up to that she tells the world but doesn't tell me. Found out that she's experimented with drugs and alcohol. Her friends got her drunk for her 18th birthday. There was this angry entry about her father, which I copied here.
Third, my Still Life with Drapes, a work with charcoal and chalk which I worked on for hours and which had turned out very well, was ruined when I sprayed it with fixative. The fixative darkened everything by several shades and removed the subtle differences between highlights and shadows. I had been particularly proud of the reflections on the bottle. All gone. There's one bright spot -- the teacher asked me to leave this picture and my Cupcakes picture so she could photograph them to use in her slideshow of examples.
Friday, November 14, 2003
Today I feel really lucky and full and wonderful. I've had a nice talk with my sister Tessa about friendship. She doesn't do the friendship thing very well either, which surprises me because she's a happy little thing. We didn't commiserate, though. She's not a "poor me" kind of person the way I am. We just talked about our issues and personalities matter of factly. She has more children than I and they are younger therefore she has even less time for friendship than I do. She rationalizes it by saying that friends can drag you down. Silly Tessa. Here's something really cool about her: she's writing a book called A Christian Perspective on Harry Potter, in which she defends the HP books.
I'm happy about my plans for the weekend. I'm going to watch McLaughlin Group and Colorado State of Mind. I'm going to make a garb dress for Rhiannon of white brocade and blue satin. I'm going to watch Memento and take notes in the hope of figuring out its secrets. I'm going to work in my Intensive Journal.
Weekend, November 15-16, 2003
Very busy and productive. Got the dress cut out, both fashion fabric and lining. Didn't sew and fit the bodice which I had planned to do Saturday. I worked hard refinishing the entertainment center. Many coats were required and so it's still not done. Didn't watch the TV shows as originally planned because Don was watching a movie with the girls, a good thing. Didn't watch Memento because I hardly had a moment to sit and relax. I did manage to get out of the house, first to a gem and mineral show with the family and then to the movies with Rhiannon where we saw Master and Commander: the Far Side of the World. Did some more Intensive Journal study, plus laundry, meal planning and groceries. Didn't draw. Did meditate.
Oh my gosh, guess who lives on my street? More accurately, guess whose red Saab is continually parked in front of an apartment building on my street and whose brown van is parked out back? Joe's. No kidding. He had mentioned moving to Lafayette to be near his daughter. I haven't seen him yet so there's a chance I'm wrong about him living here. Suppose it's true -- I can't believe it! First he lives in our old house, now he lives on our street. The universe must be playing a cruel joke on him. Ha ha!
Monday, November 17, 2003
Good art class. We did figure drawing today with a real nude model. She was about 50 and her body wasn't terribly attractive in the conventional sense. Her breasts were flat and her stomach protruded. I suppose I'll look like that some day. I wonder if I've got the guts to be an artists model. I should try it!
I feel so funny right now. I wish I could put my finger on what's wrong. I feel like there's something I really want to do, or really want to have, something that would make this moment perfect, but I don't know what it is.
Tueday, November 18, 2003
Had a huge list of things to do after work, but Michaela asked me to help her build her web site so of course I did. She designed it herself and built the graphics too. I showed her how to export the graphics from Photoshop and how to build a table in Dreamweaver to put them all together. We had a nice time and it looks good. She hasn't yet decided where to post the site.
I finally sewed together and fitted the bodice of Rhiannon's Christmas present garb. Did I tell you it's white brocade lined with sky blue and trimmed with gold? That thing is going to be so BEAUTIFUL when it is done!
Thursday, November 20, 2003
I was in grave danger of descending into one of my dark moods this evening after a unsatisfactory interaction with a co-worker. I did okay conversation-wise, but felt powerless and uncentered and so of course I came across that way. It felt awful. I was beginning to despair and pity myself when Kendall and Michaela showed up at my office. From then on for the rest of the evening I had things other than myself to occupy my mind. 1) Kendall needed me to take her to the university library get books on Charles I at the university library. 2) We popped in to see Rhiannon at work and found she had neither showed up nor called. 3) Michaela needed help with her sewing project incuding a bit of redesigning the pattern. 4) I went to my father's to talk and pay bills. 5) Rhiannon finally came home and explained her day.
Sunday, November 23, 2003
Rhiannon was gone all Saturday, what with work and hanging out with friends. She called in the evening to ask permission to sleep over at Beeman's. He wouldn't be there, apparently, but he gave her his key. I said okay. She promised to come home in the morning. Well, she didn't show up till the last bus came through, leaving me to worry about her all day. I had no idea what to do so I consulted my Love and Logic parenting book. They reminded me that we are raising our kids to go out on their own and when they feel they are ready, we need to let them go. So when Rhiannon got home, I told her I just couldn't go on like this, having to worry about her all day. I thought it would be best if she got her own place.
I've actually been wanting her to get her own place for a while now, but didn't think it was a workable idea because she's leaving for AmeriCorps in January. So we'll see. Maybe we can find one for her for two months.
Monday, November 24, 2003
Big argument with Don this morning. It was a wide ranging argument that started when I told him I thought Rhiannon should move out. He was upset that I didn't consult him, that I never consult him, I shut him out. My point of view is that 1) he's generally unavailable so I can't ask him and 2) when he is around and I ask him for an opinion he says "I don't know." Then we moved on to how I never help him when he asks me. That's true, I don't. I'm already supporting his sorry ass and that's all I want to do for him. Besides, he has told me clearly and forcefully how unhappy he has been with my work in the past and this has destroyed all desire on my part to do any work for him in the future. Then we discussed money. He says that money is all I care about; it's all I've ever cared about; I don't care about him; his role was to provide spermatzoa and money. Hmmmmm. I suppose that is one way of looking at it. I'd say, rather, that his role was to be a loving father and husband and provider so I could stay home with the kids. He also said I was rude to his friends and have a very bad attitude about pot. It's true. I'm not very warm to his friends when they phone. They call and ask for David, I say curtly, "I'll get him" and that's that. And I think pot-smoking is a dirty filthy habit.
And I'm starting to act like him. I'm starting to be mean to him, the way he has been to me. He used to say, sometimes, "I should be nicer to you." Now I can say that to him.
I think I'd like him to leave. Divorce is going to be incredibly painful but I'd rather have that than live with someone who despises me as much as Don does.
I'm going down, down into the depths of despair. I feel it coming. I look into the future and what do I see? Loneliness and isolation. Don despises me. My children will grow up and will go on to their own troubles. They won't have any time or compassion for mine. My father will die and then there will be no one who cares for me.
I've loved being a mom but will it have been worth it? I gave up my life to raise three kids that I love very much. Raising them was life for me. Life and breath and sunshine and sweetness. There won't be anything when they are gone.
Tueday, November 25, 2003
What an emotional rollercoaster yesterday was! Don and I haven't discussed our argument. We never do. We just ignore them until they go away, cowards that we are. He said in the argument I don't accept him the way he is (I don't like it that he is a non-religious unemployed pot head) but you know what? He misrepresented himself when he was courting me. He was a Christian then, wore ties and wasn't getting high. I had no idea he was a doper or that he'd drop the church and take up his habit later.
But that's okay. I'm an atheist now, which is a good thing. I never would have left the faith if it weren't for Don's mistreatment of me. So you see, all things DO work for the good . . . (That's an ironic joke of sorts. It's from scripture, the full text of which read "All things work for the good of them that are called to His service.")
Art class yesterday was great. I had lots of fun joking and talking with my classmates and I made good progress on Nude Reclining with Rocks.
Saturday, November 29, 2003
I saw Joe while I was out walking the dog. He drove by in his red Saab just as I emerged from an alley. We saw one another but didn't make any sign of recognition. Asshole. Slimeball. I knew he lived on my street.
Saturday, November 01, 2003
Wednesday, October 01, 2003
Month of October 2003
Wednesday, October 1, 2003
We had an Oktoberfest party at work and I had a very nice time talking with the other people at our table. I held my own and had things to say. Makes a nice change!
Today was a good day, a happy day. On days like this I feel like I've got things figured out and I wonder how I ever could have been down.
Kendall and Rhiannon rode with me into town this morning. It's so funny the way they tease each other. They do it like boys do, calling each other names as a sign of affection. "You're stupid." "You're ugly." "You smell bad." After these simple ones they get creative. They are both happy and it's very amusing to listen to. I don't allow them to tease Michaela this way though. She does not think it is funny. She takes it personally and gets angry and hurt. They aren't allowed to say those things to me, either.
Don's been working the past few days. Apparently he's got a job up at Bill's. He's not working so that he can help meet the family's expenses, however. He's working so he can pay his own bills. He has to pay his fuel bill and for storage for the many many car parts that he owns. I wish he cared whether his kids had enough to eat. I'm angry every day and I'll always be angry. It angers me that he lives at home like an overgrown teenager with no responsiblities to anyone but himself.
Thursday, October 2, 2003
Nice day. I enjoy life. Now, how can I ratchet the excitement level up a couple notches? To do that, I need someone to do things with. Life is exciting with Rhiannon because she enjoys life and likes having fun. I can't have fun with my husband; he's pretty much a stick in the mud. Around me, anyway. He does like hanging with his friends. Tonight he stayed up at Bill's for three hours after work; came home at 9:00 happy. When he walks in the house with a smile on his face it usually means he's stoned. He's generally not too happy otherwise.
Rhiannon and I watched Spanish for Gringos, a fun little beginning Spanish video. Kendall heard us laughing and shouting and came out to join the fun. Afterward, Rhiannon and I recited poetry at one another. She won 'cause she's got Dr. Seuss's The Lorax memorized while I could only think of "In Flanders Fields" and the beginnings of "Xanadu" and "The Cremation of Sam McGee."
I did not push myself to talk to people at work today. I stayed in my cubbie.
Saturday, October 4, 2003
I woke up this morning thinking 'Man, life sucks when you don't have any friends.' It'd be great to go hang out somewhere, go explore the area, but who do I do it with? I have always had a hard time making friends because I'm shy. The friends that I have made I haven't kept up with. I got busy being a mom and I let other relationships go. Now here I am, the kids almost grown, ready to enter the world of adults again but I've got no one.
Sometimes I think 'I can do this, I can make new friends.' Other times I think it is hopeless. Like I said, I've never been good at it. I don't really know how.
On a different note, I took Kendall, Michaela and Michaela's friend Annie to an SCA lampworking workshop. We had the best time. Lampwork is working with glass over a flame. You heat up the end of a glass cane till it's molten then fashion it into something. We made beads by wrapping the glass around a metal rod. Michaela loved it and wants to buy a lampworking kit, on special now for $99 at Hobby Lobby. She'll sell handmade beaded bracelets to her friends. I think it's a great idea.
Sunday, October 5, 2003
Rhiannon went with me to Albertson's when we went to pick up her prescription. The store was having a special on Celestial Seasonings tea -- ten boxes for ten dollars. Rhiannon went crazy throwing box after box into our cart. We bought around 20 boxes. She loves that tea.
Later we went to Grandpa's. He had a birthday gift to give Michaela so we had a small informal belated birthday celebration for her. We also watched the Monk show we had taped on Friday. What a great show that is.
Back home, I finished my drawing homework while Don watched the Cubs/Braves game. He said," Do you know that 42% of women are sexually dysfunctional?" I said I wondered how many men are abusive. Then he talked about how women won't give sex unless they are given things, like diamond rings and vacation cruises. They have what men need, he said, but they won't give it unless men spend money on them. I wonder what he's talking about. Does he mean he's met someone but she's holding out on him? Or is he referring to me? We're not having sex but it is not diamond rings I want. It is financial contribution to the family. Currently his contribution is zero dollars a month. Meanwhile he thinks all I care about is money. What a clueless idiot. What I care about is keeping a roof over our heads and food in our stomachs. It is impossible for me to be sexually attracted to a man who would let the bank take away our house.
We're not having sex because 1) his eyes glaze over when I put more than two sentences together, 2) he despises me for my weaknesses, 3) every now and then he blows up and tells me how awful I am, and 4) he flat out refuses to provide for his family. Oh, and also 5) he doesn't like our children all that much. They annoy him.
I suppose I should have taken him aside to talk but talks are so painful these days that I avoid them.
Anyway, the kids and I stayed up late reading poetry to one another and talking. I cried while reading Amy Lowell's Patterns. I cry whenever anything's the least bit sentimental. My kids are probably very tired of it, poor dears. Have I mentioned that they are great kids and I am crazy about them? If only they'd keep their rooms clean.
Monday, October 6, 2003
I popped in to see Rhiannon at the thrift store where she works and she told me the most encouraging story. Apparently, the other day when I went over to pick up her giant potted plant, some gentleman saw me, thought I was hot and asked who I was and if I had a boyfriend. Cool, huh? It's so nice to know someone was attracted to me. No messing around for me, though; I'm married. (Joe was a fluke that won't happen again.)
I am having the worst time remembering to put up my parking permit. I have received six tickets so far this year. My employer will forgive three a year then we're on our own. In addition to being forgetful, I've been very lax about getting the tickets taken care of and so today they towed my car. It was tremendously inconvenient and expensive too: $130 for the towing/impound fee and $80 for the tickets. I think I'll cancel the permit and start taking the bus. The bus pass is a free employee benefit while the permit costs $35/month. It will take me six months to make back the money I spent today. I only wish there were someone to blame besides myself.
Don was mostly helpful during this crisis. He drove me up to Parking Services. Once there he lost his temper and called me a bitch because -- I'm not really sure why. I called him an asshole and reminded him of the time he told the bank officer to fuck off.
Rhiannon came home at eleven -- her curfew -- and she and I and Kendall sat on my bed chatting about the day while I scratched their backs. Decompressing, I call it.
Tuesday, October 7, 2003
Went up to SCA fighter practice to pick up our lampwork beads. I just don't think the SCA is for me. More and more I am coming to think it's ridiculous to dress up and pretend to be someone you're not. I wouldn't be embarrassed to be seen doing other things I enjoy -- ice skating, dancing, playing the violin, horseback riding -- but I am definitely embarrassed to be seen dressed in garb.
It's kind of funny I feel this way. I was so excited about it at the beginning: excited about making garb, excited about cooking medieval food, excited about learning songs to sing in bardic circle. And look how many times I've taken the kids camping this year -- three! And I never took them camping before.
Thursday, October 9, 2003
Don did some work around the house today for a change. He did a bit of laundry, washed some of the dishes and mowed the lawn. Now that I'm writing I see it wasn't that much. I do that much every Saturday. Well, okay, I don't mow the lawn. But I do groceries and laundry and oversee chores and take the kids clothes shopping and make lunches and dinners.
Just half a year ago I was crazy in love with Joe. I wanted him so badly. When he spoke, my troubles were bearable. But now I'm disgusted. I feel like I was lied to and you know what? I also lied to myself.
Friday, October 10, 2003
Hey, that cute guy from the down the hall just walked by my office. He's a doll and it gives me a mild thrill to see him. Unfortunately he only works Fridays now so I don't get that thrill much.
Saturday, October 11, 2003
I always stuggle to keep the dark away. It's always right there, just below the surface, ready to seep through.
Maybe I should let it.
What is life all about? I don't want to get older and older and then die without knowing.
Sunday, October 12, 2003
Very very difficult day. Don and I had a painful fight.
Apparently everything I do is tremendously annoying. I don't know how the guy can stand me. I start things and don't finish them. I haven't hemmed the curtains and that angers him. I don't wipe out the sink when I've finished washing dishes. I do things that don't matter like making garb for the SCA. I like fiction and he thinks it's ridiculous. I'm doing a horrible job with the kids.
He doesn't like talking to me; I don't know what to say to him; I'm too quiet. I'm too flighty. Nothing about me is good. I'm dumb and stupid. I don't belong in society. I can't keep the house neat. I'll never get anywhere in life. I don't have any friends, I don't know how to have friends. And a person who doesn't have friends is a hopeless loser. That's me. A hopeless loser. But I don't like people anyway so what does it matter. They scare me. Deep down I'm afraid of people.
And the kids. They don't keep their rooms neat or do anything constructive and of course that reflects on me as a mother. I'm a failure as a mother. The one thing I love most in the world I'm failing at.
You know what? I don't think that life has any meaning. There's only one purpose at all that I can see and that is loving relationships. And since I don't have those and never will because I'm not capable of them then there is no reason for me to live, is there? I think I'll end it all when the girls have grown and gone. They won't need me anymore; they probably won't even love me anymore. They will probably despise me for my faults the way their daddy does. Like I did with my mother. I resented her because she didn't love me.
He said he was going to leave as soon as he had the money. He said I don't care about him. He said I never loved him. Not true. What is true is that I have been in self-preservation mode these past five or six years, brought about by his verbal abuse, heavy criticism and financial abandonment. He probably doesn't think those things are bad enough for me to be upset about. He thinks I should forgive and forget.
Tuesday, October 14, 2003
Don and I are being civil, even friendly, toward one another. I think our fight scared us both. We haven't talked about the issues raised. We never do. That's our pattern and a very unhealthy one it is.
Wednesday, October 15, 2003
Boy was I wrong. We're not better. He has been being nice but it's not because he doesn't want us to break up. I went down to talk to him last night, something I usually don't do because I'm prefer to avoid confrontation, especially confrontation that is likely to be very painful for me, the way talks with Don usually are.
He was honest. And right. He said we don't have the same goals so why should we stay together. Good point. I have to admit I thought that myself. Then we went on to discuss some of the ways I have failed and how our problems are all my fault. Pretty standard stuff. That's generally what our talks consist of. He's not interested in my side.
Also, he said I'm supposed to tell him to back off when he starts having one of his tantrums instead of letting him rant on and on about how much he doesn't like me. So when he rips me to shreds, that's my fault too.
He's right about the goals thing. We don't have the same goals. He wouldn't tell me what his are, but I know right now that they don't interest me and I don't want to work by his side helping him reach them. Neither do my goals interest him. Further, we have little in common and don't enjoy the same things.
So how did we get together in the first place? Because he took it into his head that he wanted me. He pursued me relentlessly until I gave in. Twice he suggested we go steady but I turned him down because I didn't think we were right for each other. He kept after me until I was convinced that he loved me and that we could work through our differences.
Now, 20 years later, my dreams of a strong spiritually-centered family are shriveled and dead.
Thursday, October 16, 2003
God, I am so angry. I am angry at Don's ridiculous persistance and inability to take no for an answer. It has ruined my life. Here I am, 20 years later, having to rebuild because he wouldn't go away when I told him to. 20 years lost.
Today is a really really bad day for me. Lots of tears. No reason to live. Thoughts of suicide. I am a complete non-entity so it doesn't really matter. No wonder I have such difficulties with social issues. There's no one here.
Parent/teacher conferences this evening. Kendall is doing well with A's in most of her classes. Michaela is doing poorly. D's and F's in most of hers. She has many missing assignments. Her teachers said she'd be getting A's if not for that. I've made up a list of the missing stuff. She has one week to get it completed then she loses all computer privileges.
After a difficult and emotional day, the evening turned out well. I saw several people I knew at parent/teacher conferences -- Carly's mom, Laurel's parents, Alice Thomason. I enjoyed catching up with them and I learned an important lesson -- it feels so good to have known people for a long time. As the years go by, we should be accumulating friends. I'll say that again so it sinks into my anti-social brain: As the years go by, we should be accumulating friends.
I'll tell you a secret, after which you can despise me for being such a loser: I want people to like me but I'm afraid of them and I don't have any friends. That's my deepest darkest secret that I don't tell anybody. I want people to like me but I'm afraid of them and I don't have any friends. I wish I had a husband that was sympathetic to me and helped me overcome my difficulties, not a mean one like the one I have now.
Saturday and Sunday, October 18-19, 2003
I began work on the High School Steppingstone Period in my Intensive Journal. I am so thankful that I saved my journals from that time. I've been re-reading them and am surprised that things are different than I remember. I remember myself as being a shy timid little mouse who scarcely spoke to anyone. The truth is not nearly so awful. I actually did have friends and I did have some excitement. Yes, I was too shy to talk to Dennis and Mike and that's too bad, especially considering the crushes I had on them and they on me. But I had friends in the form of Kendra and Gro and Carleen and Carrie. I was probably too self-conscious and low in self-esteem to be a really good friend to them, but I wasn't completely lonely and out in the cold.
Monday, October 20, 2003
Except for the lesson, art class today was excellent. The teacher did a very poor job of explaining negative space but luckily I have had that lesson before. The examples she showed did nothing to clarify the concept and her critique of our work at the end also praised pen and ink work and the use of value. I'm happy to report that my work, a white basket with flowers against a black background, was praised as a good example of positive and negative space.
Tuesday, October 21, 2003
I am having the most wonderful time reading my old journals. I wasn't so scared and friendless as I thought. I feel strong and happy.
I'm constantly angry with Don because he won't get a steady job. Michaela needs glasses -- that will cost several hundred dollars. Christmas is coming up -- several hundred more dollars. College expenses are right around the corner. I'm angry all the time.
Thursday, October 23, 2003
A bit of a mix-up this evening with picking up Kendall from school. Tonight was the school's Art and Music Extravaganza. Kendall was there showcasing her current art project -- a bowl of fruit with faces. Don agreed to pick her up at 8:45. She called me after school to ask if she could sleep over at a friend's instead of coming home. She wouldn't need a ride home after all. I couldn't get ahold of Don to relay this info; he had disappeared for the evening. I ended up having to go up to the school myself to head him off. I hung around for about 45 minutes walking the halls, looking outside, listening to the program and talking to Kendall. He never showed so we finally left, she to her friend's and me home. What's weird is that he came home at 10:30 and said he'd been waiting up there for her for an hour and a half. Turns out he never came inside. He spent the time hiking around on the trails outside the school. He figured Kendall would look through the parking lot for his car and thereby know he had arrived. How does that make sense as a way to pick someone up?
My latest negative space project, Sunset with Aspens, turned out pretty good. I masked out the aspens then covered the paper thickly with crayon, using an iron to set the wax. (Note to self: use a very low setting next time since crayon melts so quickly.)
Sad news: my paternal grandmother Nanna is dying. She's in a hospital down in Dade County, Florida, with her daughter my aunt. She has fluid build-up in her lungs and is expected to go at any time. She'll be buried here in Colorado next to my mother. My father is flying down today.
Friday, October 24, 2003
You know, I really like my job. I enjoy working on HTML. It's not really difficult or technical so I betray my lack of ambition in confessing my enjoyment of it but there it is. I do enjoy it.
SCA monthly revel tonight. I wasn't going to go, as I've decided not to do SCA anymore. However, Briana called and asked me to be the liaison for the conference room. No one else could do it; I was their last hope. So of course I said yes. Kendall came with me and together we worked on her Halloween costume. She's making a big bunny suit. I went over and made conversation with a few people, but the only one to come over to talk to us was our baron. Those people just aren't friendly. Kendall made an interesting comment -- she said they seemed like the immature kids at high school.
Saturday, October 25, 2003
Don did a lot of chores around the house today. Pretty unusual. He probably felt he was doing me a favor rather than doing his job. We're getting along okay. We still don't talk, so things probably seem better than they really are.
Sunday, October 26, 2003
I'm having a wonderful time working in my Intensive Journal. Today's realization was somewhat depressing, unfortunately. I realized I haven't changed much since high school. Sure, I'm more competent in several areas, but deep down I'm still the same person. I'm still afraid, still lonely yet reluctant to connect, still kinda lazy, still watching the excitement happen instead of making it happen. I desperately need to change, but how?
Wednesday, October 29, 2003
I've decided to contact my old philosophy professor. Perhaps he can tell me What It's All About. I hope he is doing well.
I think I would like a divorce. Life with Don is bleak.
Art class was good. I'm doing well in there, both artistically and socially. People listen when I talk. I told a short story, favorably received, about the time I saw Michelangelo's Pieta.
We had an Oktoberfest party at work and I had a very nice time talking with the other people at our table. I held my own and had things to say. Makes a nice change!
Today was a good day, a happy day. On days like this I feel like I've got things figured out and I wonder how I ever could have been down.
Kendall and Rhiannon rode with me into town this morning. It's so funny the way they tease each other. They do it like boys do, calling each other names as a sign of affection. "You're stupid." "You're ugly." "You smell bad." After these simple ones they get creative. They are both happy and it's very amusing to listen to. I don't allow them to tease Michaela this way though. She does not think it is funny. She takes it personally and gets angry and hurt. They aren't allowed to say those things to me, either.
Don's been working the past few days. Apparently he's got a job up at Bill's. He's not working so that he can help meet the family's expenses, however. He's working so he can pay his own bills. He has to pay his fuel bill and for storage for the many many car parts that he owns. I wish he cared whether his kids had enough to eat. I'm angry every day and I'll always be angry. It angers me that he lives at home like an overgrown teenager with no responsiblities to anyone but himself.
Thursday, October 2, 2003
Nice day. I enjoy life. Now, how can I ratchet the excitement level up a couple notches? To do that, I need someone to do things with. Life is exciting with Rhiannon because she enjoys life and likes having fun. I can't have fun with my husband; he's pretty much a stick in the mud. Around me, anyway. He does like hanging with his friends. Tonight he stayed up at Bill's for three hours after work; came home at 9:00 happy. When he walks in the house with a smile on his face it usually means he's stoned. He's generally not too happy otherwise.
Rhiannon and I watched Spanish for Gringos, a fun little beginning Spanish video. Kendall heard us laughing and shouting and came out to join the fun. Afterward, Rhiannon and I recited poetry at one another. She won 'cause she's got Dr. Seuss's The Lorax memorized while I could only think of "In Flanders Fields" and the beginnings of "Xanadu" and "The Cremation of Sam McGee."
I did not push myself to talk to people at work today. I stayed in my cubbie.
Saturday, October 4, 2003
I woke up this morning thinking 'Man, life sucks when you don't have any friends.' It'd be great to go hang out somewhere, go explore the area, but who do I do it with? I have always had a hard time making friends because I'm shy. The friends that I have made I haven't kept up with. I got busy being a mom and I let other relationships go. Now here I am, the kids almost grown, ready to enter the world of adults again but I've got no one.
Sometimes I think 'I can do this, I can make new friends.' Other times I think it is hopeless. Like I said, I've never been good at it. I don't really know how.
On a different note, I took Kendall, Michaela and Michaela's friend Annie to an SCA lampworking workshop. We had the best time. Lampwork is working with glass over a flame. You heat up the end of a glass cane till it's molten then fashion it into something. We made beads by wrapping the glass around a metal rod. Michaela loved it and wants to buy a lampworking kit, on special now for $99 at Hobby Lobby. She'll sell handmade beaded bracelets to her friends. I think it's a great idea.
Sunday, October 5, 2003
Rhiannon went with me to Albertson's when we went to pick up her prescription. The store was having a special on Celestial Seasonings tea -- ten boxes for ten dollars. Rhiannon went crazy throwing box after box into our cart. We bought around 20 boxes. She loves that tea.
Later we went to Grandpa's. He had a birthday gift to give Michaela so we had a small informal belated birthday celebration for her. We also watched the Monk show we had taped on Friday. What a great show that is.
Back home, I finished my drawing homework while Don watched the Cubs/Braves game. He said," Do you know that 42% of women are sexually dysfunctional?" I said I wondered how many men are abusive. Then he talked about how women won't give sex unless they are given things, like diamond rings and vacation cruises. They have what men need, he said, but they won't give it unless men spend money on them. I wonder what he's talking about. Does he mean he's met someone but she's holding out on him? Or is he referring to me? We're not having sex but it is not diamond rings I want. It is financial contribution to the family. Currently his contribution is zero dollars a month. Meanwhile he thinks all I care about is money. What a clueless idiot. What I care about is keeping a roof over our heads and food in our stomachs. It is impossible for me to be sexually attracted to a man who would let the bank take away our house.
We're not having sex because 1) his eyes glaze over when I put more than two sentences together, 2) he despises me for my weaknesses, 3) every now and then he blows up and tells me how awful I am, and 4) he flat out refuses to provide for his family. Oh, and also 5) he doesn't like our children all that much. They annoy him.
I suppose I should have taken him aside to talk but talks are so painful these days that I avoid them.
Anyway, the kids and I stayed up late reading poetry to one another and talking. I cried while reading Amy Lowell's Patterns. I cry whenever anything's the least bit sentimental. My kids are probably very tired of it, poor dears. Have I mentioned that they are great kids and I am crazy about them? If only they'd keep their rooms clean.
Monday, October 6, 2003
I popped in to see Rhiannon at the thrift store where she works and she told me the most encouraging story. Apparently, the other day when I went over to pick up her giant potted plant, some gentleman saw me, thought I was hot and asked who I was and if I had a boyfriend. Cool, huh? It's so nice to know someone was attracted to me. No messing around for me, though; I'm married. (Joe was a fluke that won't happen again.)
I am having the worst time remembering to put up my parking permit. I have received six tickets so far this year. My employer will forgive three a year then we're on our own. In addition to being forgetful, I've been very lax about getting the tickets taken care of and so today they towed my car. It was tremendously inconvenient and expensive too: $130 for the towing/impound fee and $80 for the tickets. I think I'll cancel the permit and start taking the bus. The bus pass is a free employee benefit while the permit costs $35/month. It will take me six months to make back the money I spent today. I only wish there were someone to blame besides myself.
Don was mostly helpful during this crisis. He drove me up to Parking Services. Once there he lost his temper and called me a bitch because -- I'm not really sure why. I called him an asshole and reminded him of the time he told the bank officer to fuck off.
Rhiannon came home at eleven -- her curfew -- and she and I and Kendall sat on my bed chatting about the day while I scratched their backs. Decompressing, I call it.
Tuesday, October 7, 2003
Went up to SCA fighter practice to pick up our lampwork beads. I just don't think the SCA is for me. More and more I am coming to think it's ridiculous to dress up and pretend to be someone you're not. I wouldn't be embarrassed to be seen doing other things I enjoy -- ice skating, dancing, playing the violin, horseback riding -- but I am definitely embarrassed to be seen dressed in garb.
It's kind of funny I feel this way. I was so excited about it at the beginning: excited about making garb, excited about cooking medieval food, excited about learning songs to sing in bardic circle. And look how many times I've taken the kids camping this year -- three! And I never took them camping before.
Thursday, October 9, 2003
Don did some work around the house today for a change. He did a bit of laundry, washed some of the dishes and mowed the lawn. Now that I'm writing I see it wasn't that much. I do that much every Saturday. Well, okay, I don't mow the lawn. But I do groceries and laundry and oversee chores and take the kids clothes shopping and make lunches and dinners.
Just half a year ago I was crazy in love with Joe. I wanted him so badly. When he spoke, my troubles were bearable. But now I'm disgusted. I feel like I was lied to and you know what? I also lied to myself.
Friday, October 10, 2003
Hey, that cute guy from the down the hall just walked by my office. He's a doll and it gives me a mild thrill to see him. Unfortunately he only works Fridays now so I don't get that thrill much.
Saturday, October 11, 2003
I always stuggle to keep the dark away. It's always right there, just below the surface, ready to seep through.
Maybe I should let it.
What is life all about? I don't want to get older and older and then die without knowing.
Sunday, October 12, 2003
Very very difficult day. Don and I had a painful fight.
Apparently everything I do is tremendously annoying. I don't know how the guy can stand me. I start things and don't finish them. I haven't hemmed the curtains and that angers him. I don't wipe out the sink when I've finished washing dishes. I do things that don't matter like making garb for the SCA. I like fiction and he thinks it's ridiculous. I'm doing a horrible job with the kids.
He doesn't like talking to me; I don't know what to say to him; I'm too quiet. I'm too flighty. Nothing about me is good. I'm dumb and stupid. I don't belong in society. I can't keep the house neat. I'll never get anywhere in life. I don't have any friends, I don't know how to have friends. And a person who doesn't have friends is a hopeless loser. That's me. A hopeless loser. But I don't like people anyway so what does it matter. They scare me. Deep down I'm afraid of people.
And the kids. They don't keep their rooms neat or do anything constructive and of course that reflects on me as a mother. I'm a failure as a mother. The one thing I love most in the world I'm failing at.
You know what? I don't think that life has any meaning. There's only one purpose at all that I can see and that is loving relationships. And since I don't have those and never will because I'm not capable of them then there is no reason for me to live, is there? I think I'll end it all when the girls have grown and gone. They won't need me anymore; they probably won't even love me anymore. They will probably despise me for my faults the way their daddy does. Like I did with my mother. I resented her because she didn't love me.
He said he was going to leave as soon as he had the money. He said I don't care about him. He said I never loved him. Not true. What is true is that I have been in self-preservation mode these past five or six years, brought about by his verbal abuse, heavy criticism and financial abandonment. He probably doesn't think those things are bad enough for me to be upset about. He thinks I should forgive and forget.
Tuesday, October 14, 2003
Don and I are being civil, even friendly, toward one another. I think our fight scared us both. We haven't talked about the issues raised. We never do. That's our pattern and a very unhealthy one it is.
Wednesday, October 15, 2003
Boy was I wrong. We're not better. He has been being nice but it's not because he doesn't want us to break up. I went down to talk to him last night, something I usually don't do because I'm prefer to avoid confrontation, especially confrontation that is likely to be very painful for me, the way talks with Don usually are.
He was honest. And right. He said we don't have the same goals so why should we stay together. Good point. I have to admit I thought that myself. Then we went on to discuss some of the ways I have failed and how our problems are all my fault. Pretty standard stuff. That's generally what our talks consist of. He's not interested in my side.
Also, he said I'm supposed to tell him to back off when he starts having one of his tantrums instead of letting him rant on and on about how much he doesn't like me. So when he rips me to shreds, that's my fault too.
He's right about the goals thing. We don't have the same goals. He wouldn't tell me what his are, but I know right now that they don't interest me and I don't want to work by his side helping him reach them. Neither do my goals interest him. Further, we have little in common and don't enjoy the same things.
So how did we get together in the first place? Because he took it into his head that he wanted me. He pursued me relentlessly until I gave in. Twice he suggested we go steady but I turned him down because I didn't think we were right for each other. He kept after me until I was convinced that he loved me and that we could work through our differences.
Now, 20 years later, my dreams of a strong spiritually-centered family are shriveled and dead.
Thursday, October 16, 2003
God, I am so angry. I am angry at Don's ridiculous persistance and inability to take no for an answer. It has ruined my life. Here I am, 20 years later, having to rebuild because he wouldn't go away when I told him to. 20 years lost.
Today is a really really bad day for me. Lots of tears. No reason to live. Thoughts of suicide. I am a complete non-entity so it doesn't really matter. No wonder I have such difficulties with social issues. There's no one here.
Parent/teacher conferences this evening. Kendall is doing well with A's in most of her classes. Michaela is doing poorly. D's and F's in most of hers. She has many missing assignments. Her teachers said she'd be getting A's if not for that. I've made up a list of the missing stuff. She has one week to get it completed then she loses all computer privileges.
After a difficult and emotional day, the evening turned out well. I saw several people I knew at parent/teacher conferences -- Carly's mom, Laurel's parents, Alice Thomason. I enjoyed catching up with them and I learned an important lesson -- it feels so good to have known people for a long time. As the years go by, we should be accumulating friends. I'll say that again so it sinks into my anti-social brain: As the years go by, we should be accumulating friends.
I'll tell you a secret, after which you can despise me for being such a loser: I want people to like me but I'm afraid of them and I don't have any friends. That's my deepest darkest secret that I don't tell anybody. I want people to like me but I'm afraid of them and I don't have any friends. I wish I had a husband that was sympathetic to me and helped me overcome my difficulties, not a mean one like the one I have now.
Saturday and Sunday, October 18-19, 2003
I began work on the High School Steppingstone Period in my Intensive Journal. I am so thankful that I saved my journals from that time. I've been re-reading them and am surprised that things are different than I remember. I remember myself as being a shy timid little mouse who scarcely spoke to anyone. The truth is not nearly so awful. I actually did have friends and I did have some excitement. Yes, I was too shy to talk to Dennis and Mike and that's too bad, especially considering the crushes I had on them and they on me. But I had friends in the form of Kendra and Gro and Carleen and Carrie. I was probably too self-conscious and low in self-esteem to be a really good friend to them, but I wasn't completely lonely and out in the cold.
Monday, October 20, 2003
Except for the lesson, art class today was excellent. The teacher did a very poor job of explaining negative space but luckily I have had that lesson before. The examples she showed did nothing to clarify the concept and her critique of our work at the end also praised pen and ink work and the use of value. I'm happy to report that my work, a white basket with flowers against a black background, was praised as a good example of positive and negative space.
Tuesday, October 21, 2003
I am having the most wonderful time reading my old journals. I wasn't so scared and friendless as I thought. I feel strong and happy.
I'm constantly angry with Don because he won't get a steady job. Michaela needs glasses -- that will cost several hundred dollars. Christmas is coming up -- several hundred more dollars. College expenses are right around the corner. I'm angry all the time.
Thursday, October 23, 2003
A bit of a mix-up this evening with picking up Kendall from school. Tonight was the school's Art and Music Extravaganza. Kendall was there showcasing her current art project -- a bowl of fruit with faces. Don agreed to pick her up at 8:45. She called me after school to ask if she could sleep over at a friend's instead of coming home. She wouldn't need a ride home after all. I couldn't get ahold of Don to relay this info; he had disappeared for the evening. I ended up having to go up to the school myself to head him off. I hung around for about 45 minutes walking the halls, looking outside, listening to the program and talking to Kendall. He never showed so we finally left, she to her friend's and me home. What's weird is that he came home at 10:30 and said he'd been waiting up there for her for an hour and a half. Turns out he never came inside. He spent the time hiking around on the trails outside the school. He figured Kendall would look through the parking lot for his car and thereby know he had arrived. How does that make sense as a way to pick someone up?
My latest negative space project, Sunset with Aspens, turned out pretty good. I masked out the aspens then covered the paper thickly with crayon, using an iron to set the wax. (Note to self: use a very low setting next time since crayon melts so quickly.)
Sad news: my paternal grandmother Nanna is dying. She's in a hospital down in Dade County, Florida, with her daughter my aunt. She has fluid build-up in her lungs and is expected to go at any time. She'll be buried here in Colorado next to my mother. My father is flying down today.
Friday, October 24, 2003
You know, I really like my job. I enjoy working on HTML. It's not really difficult or technical so I betray my lack of ambition in confessing my enjoyment of it but there it is. I do enjoy it.
SCA monthly revel tonight. I wasn't going to go, as I've decided not to do SCA anymore. However, Briana called and asked me to be the liaison for the conference room. No one else could do it; I was their last hope. So of course I said yes. Kendall came with me and together we worked on her Halloween costume. She's making a big bunny suit. I went over and made conversation with a few people, but the only one to come over to talk to us was our baron. Those people just aren't friendly. Kendall made an interesting comment -- she said they seemed like the immature kids at high school.
Saturday, October 25, 2003
Don did a lot of chores around the house today. Pretty unusual. He probably felt he was doing me a favor rather than doing his job. We're getting along okay. We still don't talk, so things probably seem better than they really are.
Sunday, October 26, 2003
I'm having a wonderful time working in my Intensive Journal. Today's realization was somewhat depressing, unfortunately. I realized I haven't changed much since high school. Sure, I'm more competent in several areas, but deep down I'm still the same person. I'm still afraid, still lonely yet reluctant to connect, still kinda lazy, still watching the excitement happen instead of making it happen. I desperately need to change, but how?
Wednesday, October 29, 2003
I've decided to contact my old philosophy professor. Perhaps he can tell me What It's All About. I hope he is doing well.
I think I would like a divorce. Life with Don is bleak.
Art class was good. I'm doing well in there, both artistically and socially. People listen when I talk. I told a short story, favorably received, about the time I saw Michelangelo's Pieta.
Monday, September 01, 2003
Month of September 2003
Tuesday, September 9.
Took Rhiannon to the Bookworm and then to fighter practice where I helped her get in armor. I don't really like the other players in our shire. Only a few of them are very warm or welcoming. Most of them look at me like I don't exist.
Back at home, watched a neat show about the making and destruction of the World Trade Center towers. Quite moving.
Wednesday, September 10.
Did well in drawing class today. The teacher help up my variable line width drawing for all to admire. Also found out that my perspective drawing was posted in a display case in the hallway. My hope is renewed. Maybe I will be a good drawer after all.
Saturday, September 13.
Crown Tournament today. We (Rhiannon and I) didn't go to the tourney but did go to the feast, where we had a wonderful time. Our favorite bard won the competition with two excellent pieces, the first a spoken poem about a stable-boy's ill-fated hunt for a white stag and the second a rousing rendition of her kingdom war song. She's the one who wrote the Guenevere song I admire so much. Rhiannon looked beautiful in the court dress I made for her. We met some new people and talked to one of the bards of Unser Hafen and his wife, who were very kind and lent us paper plates as we had left the house without our feast gear. Also met Faran who has recently moved here from another kingdom. Afterward we helped clean up, a good way to get one's face recognized. I'm never sure from one event to the next if I want to continue in the SCA. I'm having a nice time meeting new people but a difficult time getting in with the local group itself, partly my own fault as I'm not good as making friends.
Saturday, September 20, 2003
Very very difficult day. One of my dark moods overtook me. In the morning I went to an SCA event. Rhiannon couldn't come with me as she had to work. I dropped off the food I had made, thought I'd chat with Rowan but she wouldn't make eye contact. I visited with a new member for a bit, then looked around for someone I knew, spotted Brianna sitting with someone so went over and sat down. She said hi but kept her back to me the rest of the time. I tried to open conversation by talking about a medieval project I was working on but was unable to generate interest. I guess I just don't know what to say to these people. It's always a struggle and I always wonder if I'm going to have anyone to talk to. I left almost immediately as I don't see any reason to put myself through torture.
I left David in charge of overseeing chores while I went to the event. Kendall and Michaela reported that he had a hissy fit. I can only imagine. I've seen those before. He did a lot of criticizing me, so they said. Be that as it may, he got a lot done and the house looks pretty good. Too bad he usually never does housework.
Sunday, September 21. Michaela's 14th birthday!
A good productive day. A much better day than yesterday, which was one of my dark days. I completed my two drawings which are due tomorrow. I watched a Joseph Campbell Power of Myth production on PBS. I walked the dog and took R and K to the library. I made a Black Forest cake for Michaela's b-day. Michaela is a great kid and I'm glad I have her.
Monday, September 22.
You know, I don't think I'm destined for true love. Ain't never gonna happen. I do not have and cannot get the qualities necessary to get my needs met. And if that's not enough to destroy one's faith in a loving God, I don't know what is.
I want to unload everything, become lighter and lighter, live on less and less, until I and all I have finally become transparent. What did the antagonist say as he died in Cowboy BeBop, the Movie? "I wanted to get out of this world of dreams. I kept searching for the door that would lead me out. Now I understand there never was a door." And Electra said, "Of all the days that I have lived, only those I spent with you seem real."
Drawing class in the evening. Had an enjoyable time and it pulled me out of my funky mood. We critiqued our work today. I'm proud of my two pics and am happy to report that they had a good reception from the class. We got out of class early so I popped in to say hi to Dad. We paid some bills and visited. I enjoy my private time at his house.
Friday, September 26, 2003
A bleak weekend stretches ahead of me. I've got things to do but somehow none of them seem interesting. I'd almost rather the weekend was over so I could be back at work. I'm learning some new skills there and I'd rather keep working on them than hang around here.
Life sucks. There's no point to it. I've heard all the explanations and none of them excite me: "We're here to glorify God," "We're here to be the best we can be;" "Just enjoy each moment."
Monday, September 29, 2003.
The weekend's over and it wasn't so bad. On Saturday Don brought me breakfast in bed, after which he ranted about the uselessness of recreation then disappeared all day up to his friend Bill's. The girls and I bustled about getting our chores done. In the evening I took Rhiannon and Kendall out for Chinese while Michaela had friends over for an informal birthday party/sleepover. Sunday Rhiannon and I cooked breakfast for them all. It was a lot of fun. Later R and I took the dog out to play at the dog park. We had a wonderful time throwing the ball for her while trying to keep it away from the other dogs. I needed to work on my drawing but was a bit reluctant to because I knew Don would be critical. He doesn't like things that aren't work-related. This from someone who 1) watched T.V. for hours on Sunday and 2) hasn't contributed financially to the family for almost a year.
Now I'm at work, starting my Photoshop work while drinking chamomile tea and listening to Harry Belafonte. At this moment life is good.
BTW, while reading Real Web Project Management I bumped into a much better job title for myself than web production assistant. I am an HTML developer and, apparently, am in constant demand in any Web company or department. Woohoo!
Took Rhiannon to the Bookworm and then to fighter practice where I helped her get in armor. I don't really like the other players in our shire. Only a few of them are very warm or welcoming. Most of them look at me like I don't exist.
Back at home, watched a neat show about the making and destruction of the World Trade Center towers. Quite moving.
Wednesday, September 10.
Did well in drawing class today. The teacher help up my variable line width drawing for all to admire. Also found out that my perspective drawing was posted in a display case in the hallway. My hope is renewed. Maybe I will be a good drawer after all.
Saturday, September 13.
Crown Tournament today. We (Rhiannon and I) didn't go to the tourney but did go to the feast, where we had a wonderful time. Our favorite bard won the competition with two excellent pieces, the first a spoken poem about a stable-boy's ill-fated hunt for a white stag and the second a rousing rendition of her kingdom war song. She's the one who wrote the Guenevere song I admire so much. Rhiannon looked beautiful in the court dress I made for her. We met some new people and talked to one of the bards of Unser Hafen and his wife, who were very kind and lent us paper plates as we had left the house without our feast gear. Also met Faran who has recently moved here from another kingdom. Afterward we helped clean up, a good way to get one's face recognized. I'm never sure from one event to the next if I want to continue in the SCA. I'm having a nice time meeting new people but a difficult time getting in with the local group itself, partly my own fault as I'm not good as making friends.
Saturday, September 20, 2003
Very very difficult day. One of my dark moods overtook me. In the morning I went to an SCA event. Rhiannon couldn't come with me as she had to work. I dropped off the food I had made, thought I'd chat with Rowan but she wouldn't make eye contact. I visited with a new member for a bit, then looked around for someone I knew, spotted Brianna sitting with someone so went over and sat down. She said hi but kept her back to me the rest of the time. I tried to open conversation by talking about a medieval project I was working on but was unable to generate interest. I guess I just don't know what to say to these people. It's always a struggle and I always wonder if I'm going to have anyone to talk to. I left almost immediately as I don't see any reason to put myself through torture.
I left David in charge of overseeing chores while I went to the event. Kendall and Michaela reported that he had a hissy fit. I can only imagine. I've seen those before. He did a lot of criticizing me, so they said. Be that as it may, he got a lot done and the house looks pretty good. Too bad he usually never does housework.
Sunday, September 21. Michaela's 14th birthday!
A good productive day. A much better day than yesterday, which was one of my dark days. I completed my two drawings which are due tomorrow. I watched a Joseph Campbell Power of Myth production on PBS. I walked the dog and took R and K to the library. I made a Black Forest cake for Michaela's b-day. Michaela is a great kid and I'm glad I have her.
Monday, September 22.
You know, I don't think I'm destined for true love. Ain't never gonna happen. I do not have and cannot get the qualities necessary to get my needs met. And if that's not enough to destroy one's faith in a loving God, I don't know what is.
I want to unload everything, become lighter and lighter, live on less and less, until I and all I have finally become transparent. What did the antagonist say as he died in Cowboy BeBop, the Movie? "I wanted to get out of this world of dreams. I kept searching for the door that would lead me out. Now I understand there never was a door." And Electra said, "Of all the days that I have lived, only those I spent with you seem real."
Drawing class in the evening. Had an enjoyable time and it pulled me out of my funky mood. We critiqued our work today. I'm proud of my two pics and am happy to report that they had a good reception from the class. We got out of class early so I popped in to say hi to Dad. We paid some bills and visited. I enjoy my private time at his house.
Friday, September 26, 2003
A bleak weekend stretches ahead of me. I've got things to do but somehow none of them seem interesting. I'd almost rather the weekend was over so I could be back at work. I'm learning some new skills there and I'd rather keep working on them than hang around here.
Life sucks. There's no point to it. I've heard all the explanations and none of them excite me: "We're here to glorify God," "We're here to be the best we can be;" "Just enjoy each moment."
Monday, September 29, 2003.
The weekend's over and it wasn't so bad. On Saturday Don brought me breakfast in bed, after which he ranted about the uselessness of recreation then disappeared all day up to his friend Bill's. The girls and I bustled about getting our chores done. In the evening I took Rhiannon and Kendall out for Chinese while Michaela had friends over for an informal birthday party/sleepover. Sunday Rhiannon and I cooked breakfast for them all. It was a lot of fun. Later R and I took the dog out to play at the dog park. We had a wonderful time throwing the ball for her while trying to keep it away from the other dogs. I needed to work on my drawing but was a bit reluctant to because I knew Don would be critical. He doesn't like things that aren't work-related. This from someone who 1) watched T.V. for hours on Sunday and 2) hasn't contributed financially to the family for almost a year.
Now I'm at work, starting my Photoshop work while drinking chamomile tea and listening to Harry Belafonte. At this moment life is good.
BTW, while reading Real Web Project Management I bumped into a much better job title for myself than web production assistant. I am an HTML developer and, apparently, am in constant demand in any Web company or department. Woohoo!
Friday, August 01, 2003
Month of August 2003
Sunday, August 3, 2003.
I painted the west wall again. I don't like it again. It's a bright spring green. I like it much more than the turquoise I had before, but I think this green may be too intense.
Wednesday, August 6, 2003.
I'm having a wonderful time hanging around the house. I wish I could be home with the kids during the summer. Maria came over for a bit of dinner and to see my new wall. She agrees that it is too bright. I need to tone it down a bit. I've chosen bad colors twice now and am not confident in my ability to choose a good color the third time. I'll have Maria choose. Something like celery.I'm going to have to redo it again.
Thursday, August 7, 2003.
It's 4:50a.m. I've been up since 3:00 a.m. and I slept only fitfully before that. I was waiting for Kendall to get home. She was supposed to be in at midnight. She came in at 3:00. She says she WAS home at midnight but sat out in the car with Graham talking. Hmmmmm. Well, I'm going to have to ground her. I can't keep late nights like these.
I'm feeling dreary again. My life sucks. It has no point. It's bleak and dreary. I need help. I need purpose. I need social interaction. The girls all have better lives than me. Why shouldn't they? They've got friends which I don't have and no responsibilities which I do have. I've given up everything so I could raise them. Has it been worth it? It's been wonderful, no doubt about that. But when it's all over I'll be left with nothing. They will leave to find their own way.
It's me that's the problem. There's nothing there when one looks at me. No sense of self. No personality. No person. I'm Eleanor Rigby. I'm going to die alone in my room.
It doesn't help that my marriage is in such a shambles. It's because of Don that my future looks bleak. But I've got some ideas about that. I could, for example, just get over it that Don is an addict who can't support us or even contribute anything. Accept the fact that my husband is an overgrown teenager and always will be. The resentment has been gnawing away at me for four years. Maybe I should just let it go. After all, there is a lot that is good about the way things are. I have more power, for one. So what if I have a spouse with whom I don't want to retire, a spouse who bores me, a spouse I can't talk to? Things could be worse.
I am so glad that Joe is out of the picture. I am recovering quite nicely. Boy, I sure had it bad. I used to think about him all the time. He was always there behind every thought. Now he's fading away. He had many good qualities, which is why I liked him, and I was willing to overlook his bad points. Pothead. Swinging lifestyle. Complainer. Unhappy with job but won't work for what he really wants. Passive/aggressive. On meds for depression. Children from other relationships. I remind myself that if we were a couple I'd have to engage in sodomy. That thought removes any regret from my mind.
Just spent hours working on a T-tunic the Period Way (visit web site). I used a lovely sage green rayon. Nice drape, soft to touch. There wasn't enough material to make the skirt as full as it ought to be but it looks pretty good. Sadly, I can't get the darn thing on. It's too tight to go over my shoulders. Here I thought I was doing so well. I may be able to save the dress by opening the sides seams and adding lace-ups. Maybe. My failures at sewing are why I continue to shop at eBay and the Salvation Army. Also finished The DaVinci Code tonight. It ends like the Mists of Avalon ends -- the sacred feminine lives!
Friday, August 8, 2003.
Watched CowBoy Bebop: The Movie. Quote: "I wanted to get out of this world of dreams. I kept searching for the door that would lead me out. Now I understand there never was a door."
I feel that way too. I'm trapped in this life, in this dimension, in this three-dimensional space where there is nothing for me. Bleak past. Bleak future. Small and timid, unimportant, invisible, my moments like sand slipping through my fingers.
And Electra says, "Of all the days I've lived, only the time I spent with you seemed real."
On a more practical note, I opened up the sides of the green tunic. Now it works. I'll add lace-ups there. I began work on a white brocade tunic for Michaela. I went to the old house with Dad and helped clean up. He wants to open it for renting by September.
Saturday, August 9, 2003.
Went down to Cave of the Winds in Manitou Springs with Don, Kendall and Michaela. We took the Lantern Tour in which one walks around with only a lantern for light. It was a bit tough for me as I'm a little claustrophobic. It's good for me to do things that are hard so I resisted the impulse to run screaming back to the surface. Everything went well until the guide had us blow out our lanterns and walk around in the dark. I became fairly upset. I didn't scream or anything, thank god, but I did get panicky. I'd like to do the tour again and redeem myself.
I realized something. Advice givers say, "To have a friend, be a friend." But the truth is, people don't like you because you like them. They like you because you are utterly yourself. The more self-confidence you have, the stronger your sense of self, the less you need other people, the more personal respect you have for yourself, then the more others like you. The less you care about their feelings for you, the more they like you. People don't like desperate, needy, lonely people. They like people who are complete and happy and have something to give.
Sunday, August 10, 2003.
I do a lot of ripping out seams and doing things over when I do garb sewing. I learning something new every time. In spite of it all, Michaela's tunic is quite beautifully. I'm proud of it. And of my sage green tunic. I'm planning a beautiful black one with beaded trim and a beaded underdress to wear for Crown Tournament. I'm excited to get to work on it.
Friday, August 15, 2003.
I had a wonderful visit with Lorraine. She's been in town for two weeks and has been busy busy busy visiting friends. I confess I haven't tried very hard to see her. The day before she left we met up at Mike's and were able to visit in person. She answered a question I'd had without me even asking it. She said she needed counseling because she was very unhappy with the way her life had turned out. I had been wondering how she felt about her life because her's has been similar to mine only the bad parts have been worse. She's been through a divorce, she's had to move away from Boulder and Kevin's in jail. It's Mike's fault. It's Mike's fault she left and it's Mike's fault that Kevin hasn't been turned around.
It's really neat knowing someone as long as I've known Lorraine. We've had our babies together and seen them grow up.
Saturday, August 16, 2003.
A nice day, but I didn't get done the things I wanted to get done. Instead, we all, Don included, went to the old house to help clean up and move furniture. That took several hours, after which we were all too tired for our own chores. Rhiannon wanted to treat us to jalapeno poppers at BJ's on Pearl Street so the girls and I went then walked on Pearl and bought ice cream. It was a nice change.
Sunday, August 17, 2003.
Sailed today, probably for the last time ever. Three years ago I wanted to become a sailor. For three summers I took lessons and went out sailing on the Sunfish and the keelboats. Now that I've tried it I've changed my mind. I don't like having no control over the power source. You never know if you'll have too much wind or not enough.
I hadn't sailed this summer up until today because whenever I wanted to go the air was still. This morning I awoke to the sound of wind in the branches so off to the reservoir I went. It turned out to be a little more than I could handle. I also forgot almost everything I ever knew. I couldn't get the boat out of irons once she got in. After a long, pathetic and losing struggle to get the boat under control, I found myself blown back to where the canoes are moored. I hopped out, wrapped up the sail and tied the boat to the floating dock. Thank goodness no one I know was there to see me.
I've discovered that sailing is not that exciting except when the wind is trying to knock you over. Yes, it's beautiful out there. Yes, there's a certain romance to it all. It's not a very active sport, though, and after sitting all day I'd rather do something that gets my body moving.
Went to Dad's in the afternoon. Maria is very unhappy that she won't be able to purchase the old house.
Made K and M weed for half an hour. Don thought it was a waste of time. He favors letting the place go wild. We didn't weed at all the entire summer but now the dead stuff needs to be removed. In my opinion.
Tuesday, August 19, 2003.
Sometimes I think my life sticks and my future is bleak. Sometimes I'm happy and feel filled to overflowing with contentment. I felt both ways tonight.
Thursday and Friday, August 20 and 21, 2003.
First day of school for Michaela and Kendall. Neither is happy about it. When I dropped Michaela off she said, "There's Amber. God, I hate her." It was very funny. Kendall is worried that classes may be too difficult, especially Latin. Friday evening was a Caer Galen revel. I had a wonderful time. I wore my blue tunic embroidered all over with white birds and flowers. I talked with several people including a new family with teens. Tonight's project was painting our blazon on small wooden shields. I brought home an extra and Michaela painted hers.
Saturday, August 23, 2003.
Busy busy busy. A very productive day. A happy day, too.
Sunday, August 24, 2003.
Rhiannon and Michaela helped set up the tents Dad gave us. We have two tents now - our own encampment! I made cupcakes for Pat's birthday. People tend to overlook her because she's quiet, like me. In the evening I went to Broomfield to celebrate Dad's birthday. A nice gathering as usual.
Monday, August 25, 2003.
Joe called. Thank goodness I was out. He left a message, "I just wanted you to know I don't hate you because you're a Republican." So, am I supposed to call back to find out why he does hate me? I could tell him why I hate him -- because he's a liar and a slimeball. I've been a complete idiot about him but don't intend to be so any longer.
First day of drawing class at Front Range. I'm excited about this but can I really fit something else in? I'm got family, work, mythology group, ice skating and SCA.
Thursday, August 28, 2003.
It happened again today, that sense of being trapped in eternity, smothered by the passage of time. I was thinking of the heroine of Ursula K. LeGuin's Always Coming Home. Her father and mother were of two incompatible cultures. Her father sent a message to her mother as his civilization was collapsing. "Tell your mother . . . " What was it?
LeGuin's stuff always moves me deeply. She often writes of the exile.
"Is integrity a realistic idea in the real world? I believe it is the only thing that will endure. Anything less is simply attempting to build a society, or a city, or a life on a foundation of illusion" from an Amazon.com review of her book City of Illusions.
This evening I made a tunic for Zack who is coming with us this weekend. Also finished Michaela's white tunic and worked a bit on my sage green one. And bought a few more camping items at WalMart.
Friday, August 29, 2003.
It was "Tell your mother not to wait, not to wait for me."
We had planned to leave today for the Heroes and Legends SCA event but rain prevented us. Rhiannon, Zack and I went to see Pirates of the Caribbean instead. Michaela was going to come but she got left behind by mistake -- her own. She thought we were leaving to walk the dog instead of leaving for the movie. The movie was quite enjoyable and showed Orlando Bloom to be a handsome heartthrob. He's worth the price of admission.
Saturday, August 30, 2003.
Heroes and Legends! Tons of fun. We brought Zack Seaman and our dog with us. Got into camp about 12:30, pitched out tents, put on our garb, went to watch the fighters. It was a bit of a chilly day with rain in the evening. My sleeping bag alone of all the bags got wet.
Sunday, August 31, 2003.
Much nicer today with enough sun to dry the wet things. Walked around looking at things and talking to people. Put on mundane clothing and went for a hike. Mortality settled over me again, suffocating. It was a difficult day. Took the kids into town for ice cream in the evening. Later went to Bardic Circle with Rhiannon. We stayed from beginning to end, 3.5 hours. It was wonderful. Bardic makes it all worthwhile.
I painted the west wall again. I don't like it again. It's a bright spring green. I like it much more than the turquoise I had before, but I think this green may be too intense.
Wednesday, August 6, 2003.
I'm having a wonderful time hanging around the house. I wish I could be home with the kids during the summer. Maria came over for a bit of dinner and to see my new wall. She agrees that it is too bright. I need to tone it down a bit. I've chosen bad colors twice now and am not confident in my ability to choose a good color the third time. I'll have Maria choose. Something like celery.I'm going to have to redo it again.
Thursday, August 7, 2003.
It's 4:50a.m. I've been up since 3:00 a.m. and I slept only fitfully before that. I was waiting for Kendall to get home. She was supposed to be in at midnight. She came in at 3:00. She says she WAS home at midnight but sat out in the car with Graham talking. Hmmmmm. Well, I'm going to have to ground her. I can't keep late nights like these.
I'm feeling dreary again. My life sucks. It has no point. It's bleak and dreary. I need help. I need purpose. I need social interaction. The girls all have better lives than me. Why shouldn't they? They've got friends which I don't have and no responsibilities which I do have. I've given up everything so I could raise them. Has it been worth it? It's been wonderful, no doubt about that. But when it's all over I'll be left with nothing. They will leave to find their own way.
It's me that's the problem. There's nothing there when one looks at me. No sense of self. No personality. No person. I'm Eleanor Rigby. I'm going to die alone in my room.
It doesn't help that my marriage is in such a shambles. It's because of Don that my future looks bleak. But I've got some ideas about that. I could, for example, just get over it that Don is an addict who can't support us or even contribute anything. Accept the fact that my husband is an overgrown teenager and always will be. The resentment has been gnawing away at me for four years. Maybe I should just let it go. After all, there is a lot that is good about the way things are. I have more power, for one. So what if I have a spouse with whom I don't want to retire, a spouse who bores me, a spouse I can't talk to? Things could be worse.
I am so glad that Joe is out of the picture. I am recovering quite nicely. Boy, I sure had it bad. I used to think about him all the time. He was always there behind every thought. Now he's fading away. He had many good qualities, which is why I liked him, and I was willing to overlook his bad points. Pothead. Swinging lifestyle. Complainer. Unhappy with job but won't work for what he really wants. Passive/aggressive. On meds for depression. Children from other relationships. I remind myself that if we were a couple I'd have to engage in sodomy. That thought removes any regret from my mind.
Just spent hours working on a T-tunic the Period Way (visit web site). I used a lovely sage green rayon. Nice drape, soft to touch. There wasn't enough material to make the skirt as full as it ought to be but it looks pretty good. Sadly, I can't get the darn thing on. It's too tight to go over my shoulders. Here I thought I was doing so well. I may be able to save the dress by opening the sides seams and adding lace-ups. Maybe. My failures at sewing are why I continue to shop at eBay and the Salvation Army. Also finished The DaVinci Code tonight. It ends like the Mists of Avalon ends -- the sacred feminine lives!
Friday, August 8, 2003.
Watched CowBoy Bebop: The Movie. Quote: "I wanted to get out of this world of dreams. I kept searching for the door that would lead me out. Now I understand there never was a door."
I feel that way too. I'm trapped in this life, in this dimension, in this three-dimensional space where there is nothing for me. Bleak past. Bleak future. Small and timid, unimportant, invisible, my moments like sand slipping through my fingers.
And Electra says, "Of all the days I've lived, only the time I spent with you seemed real."
On a more practical note, I opened up the sides of the green tunic. Now it works. I'll add lace-ups there. I began work on a white brocade tunic for Michaela. I went to the old house with Dad and helped clean up. He wants to open it for renting by September.
Saturday, August 9, 2003.
Went down to Cave of the Winds in Manitou Springs with Don, Kendall and Michaela. We took the Lantern Tour in which one walks around with only a lantern for light. It was a bit tough for me as I'm a little claustrophobic. It's good for me to do things that are hard so I resisted the impulse to run screaming back to the surface. Everything went well until the guide had us blow out our lanterns and walk around in the dark. I became fairly upset. I didn't scream or anything, thank god, but I did get panicky. I'd like to do the tour again and redeem myself.
I realized something. Advice givers say, "To have a friend, be a friend." But the truth is, people don't like you because you like them. They like you because you are utterly yourself. The more self-confidence you have, the stronger your sense of self, the less you need other people, the more personal respect you have for yourself, then the more others like you. The less you care about their feelings for you, the more they like you. People don't like desperate, needy, lonely people. They like people who are complete and happy and have something to give.
Sunday, August 10, 2003.
I do a lot of ripping out seams and doing things over when I do garb sewing. I learning something new every time. In spite of it all, Michaela's tunic is quite beautifully. I'm proud of it. And of my sage green tunic. I'm planning a beautiful black one with beaded trim and a beaded underdress to wear for Crown Tournament. I'm excited to get to work on it.
Friday, August 15, 2003.
I had a wonderful visit with Lorraine. She's been in town for two weeks and has been busy busy busy visiting friends. I confess I haven't tried very hard to see her. The day before she left we met up at Mike's and were able to visit in person. She answered a question I'd had without me even asking it. She said she needed counseling because she was very unhappy with the way her life had turned out. I had been wondering how she felt about her life because her's has been similar to mine only the bad parts have been worse. She's been through a divorce, she's had to move away from Boulder and Kevin's in jail. It's Mike's fault. It's Mike's fault she left and it's Mike's fault that Kevin hasn't been turned around.
It's really neat knowing someone as long as I've known Lorraine. We've had our babies together and seen them grow up.
Saturday, August 16, 2003.
A nice day, but I didn't get done the things I wanted to get done. Instead, we all, Don included, went to the old house to help clean up and move furniture. That took several hours, after which we were all too tired for our own chores. Rhiannon wanted to treat us to jalapeno poppers at BJ's on Pearl Street so the girls and I went then walked on Pearl and bought ice cream. It was a nice change.
Sunday, August 17, 2003.
Sailed today, probably for the last time ever. Three years ago I wanted to become a sailor. For three summers I took lessons and went out sailing on the Sunfish and the keelboats. Now that I've tried it I've changed my mind. I don't like having no control over the power source. You never know if you'll have too much wind or not enough.
I hadn't sailed this summer up until today because whenever I wanted to go the air was still. This morning I awoke to the sound of wind in the branches so off to the reservoir I went. It turned out to be a little more than I could handle. I also forgot almost everything I ever knew. I couldn't get the boat out of irons once she got in. After a long, pathetic and losing struggle to get the boat under control, I found myself blown back to where the canoes are moored. I hopped out, wrapped up the sail and tied the boat to the floating dock. Thank goodness no one I know was there to see me.
I've discovered that sailing is not that exciting except when the wind is trying to knock you over. Yes, it's beautiful out there. Yes, there's a certain romance to it all. It's not a very active sport, though, and after sitting all day I'd rather do something that gets my body moving.
Went to Dad's in the afternoon. Maria is very unhappy that she won't be able to purchase the old house.
Made K and M weed for half an hour. Don thought it was a waste of time. He favors letting the place go wild. We didn't weed at all the entire summer but now the dead stuff needs to be removed. In my opinion.
Tuesday, August 19, 2003.
Sometimes I think my life sticks and my future is bleak. Sometimes I'm happy and feel filled to overflowing with contentment. I felt both ways tonight.
Thursday and Friday, August 20 and 21, 2003.
First day of school for Michaela and Kendall. Neither is happy about it. When I dropped Michaela off she said, "There's Amber. God, I hate her." It was very funny. Kendall is worried that classes may be too difficult, especially Latin. Friday evening was a Caer Galen revel. I had a wonderful time. I wore my blue tunic embroidered all over with white birds and flowers. I talked with several people including a new family with teens. Tonight's project was painting our blazon on small wooden shields. I brought home an extra and Michaela painted hers.
Saturday, August 23, 2003.
Busy busy busy. A very productive day. A happy day, too.
Sunday, August 24, 2003.
Rhiannon and Michaela helped set up the tents Dad gave us. We have two tents now - our own encampment! I made cupcakes for Pat's birthday. People tend to overlook her because she's quiet, like me. In the evening I went to Broomfield to celebrate Dad's birthday. A nice gathering as usual.
Monday, August 25, 2003.
Joe called. Thank goodness I was out. He left a message, "I just wanted you to know I don't hate you because you're a Republican." So, am I supposed to call back to find out why he does hate me? I could tell him why I hate him -- because he's a liar and a slimeball. I've been a complete idiot about him but don't intend to be so any longer.
First day of drawing class at Front Range. I'm excited about this but can I really fit something else in? I'm got family, work, mythology group, ice skating and SCA.
Thursday, August 28, 2003.
It happened again today, that sense of being trapped in eternity, smothered by the passage of time. I was thinking of the heroine of Ursula K. LeGuin's Always Coming Home. Her father and mother were of two incompatible cultures. Her father sent a message to her mother as his civilization was collapsing. "Tell your mother . . . " What was it?
LeGuin's stuff always moves me deeply. She often writes of the exile.
"Is integrity a realistic idea in the real world? I believe it is the only thing that will endure. Anything less is simply attempting to build a society, or a city, or a life on a foundation of illusion" from an Amazon.com review of her book City of Illusions.
This evening I made a tunic for Zack who is coming with us this weekend. Also finished Michaela's white tunic and worked a bit on my sage green one. And bought a few more camping items at WalMart.
Friday, August 29, 2003.
It was "Tell your mother not to wait, not to wait for me."
We had planned to leave today for the Heroes and Legends SCA event but rain prevented us. Rhiannon, Zack and I went to see Pirates of the Caribbean instead. Michaela was going to come but she got left behind by mistake -- her own. She thought we were leaving to walk the dog instead of leaving for the movie. The movie was quite enjoyable and showed Orlando Bloom to be a handsome heartthrob. He's worth the price of admission.
Saturday, August 30, 2003.
Heroes and Legends! Tons of fun. We brought Zack Seaman and our dog with us. Got into camp about 12:30, pitched out tents, put on our garb, went to watch the fighters. It was a bit of a chilly day with rain in the evening. My sleeping bag alone of all the bags got wet.
Sunday, August 31, 2003.
Much nicer today with enough sun to dry the wet things. Walked around looking at things and talking to people. Put on mundane clothing and went for a hike. Mortality settled over me again, suffocating. It was a difficult day. Took the kids into town for ice cream in the evening. Later went to Bardic Circle with Rhiannon. We stayed from beginning to end, 3.5 hours. It was wonderful. Bardic makes it all worthwhile.
Tuesday, July 01, 2003
July 2001
Tuesday, July 8, 2003
I couldn't go to work today; I was crying too much. I cried for a while in the parking lot, then decided I'd better take the day off. I didn't go home; I went to the library where I used the Internet to e-mail in sick. Now I'm sitting by the window, looking at the creek, reading and writing. I'm much better at the moment. Not crying, anyway.
I was crying because I can't overcome the faults that keep me from true happiness; because I love Joe and he doesn't love me, because I'll never be able to build the close spiritually-centered family I wanted, because I'm small and insignificant and don't matter to anybody, because I want so much for things to matter but nothing does, because life with Don is a struggle, because no one is strong enough to listen to me.
What I want is to be loved. I want is a small circle of people who love me. But I can't get it. I don't have the ability to get it.
I'm going crazy. Life means nothing. I'm going crazy because I do not speak the truth. I'm going crazy because I have to bear things alone.
Wednesday, July 9, 2003
I'm still going mad. There's nothing to live for anymore. I can't start a new relationship with anyone because it would just be a repeat of my marriage with Don -- criticism, despising me, refusal to be counted upon.
Here's a quote from The Hours: (speaking of an old hotel, which used to be nice because in days past . . .) "hopes were nutured here, that upon entering the lobby people were expected to feel as if they were moving in an orderly fashion into a future that held something worth having."
I wish I had a future like that -- one worth having. I don't see it from here. The future contains nothing worth having, only my father's death, Joe's death, my death.
I cannot keep the darkness away. I cannot be strong any longer.
No. I refuse to descend into madness. I won't go down that way. Somehow I must find hope. Somehow I must find love. I need a teacher. I need community. I ask the universe, I ask the infinite, for the things I need.
Thursday, July 10, 2003
Today was a pretty good day. I did get a little weepy but was able to overcome it. I was happy mostly. I talked to Lorraine and my sister Regan on the phone. I am happiest when I have talked to people. Talked to my dad, too, about the Chewelah trip. I don't want to go this year. I want Don to go and take the kids so I can be alone for a week. I never talk to Don anymore. There's nothing to say to him. Joe didn't call. He said he would but he didn't. It's the same as always. He doesn't need to talk to me, doesn't need to hear my voice, doesn't want to get involved. Charity, you need to move on.
Weekend, July 11-13, 2003
I took Friday off and drove down to Albuquerque with Kendall to pick up Michaela. It's a very long drive but was pleasant to spend the time with Kendall.
Michaela spent the week down in Albuquerque with her cousins, the oldest of whom is 10. Even though she's a lot older, she loves playing with them. I think she really likes being the older sister for a change. At home she's the youngest. All her life her sisters have been bigger and smarter and more capable than she. Down in Albuquerque she gets to be the biggest and smartest. She spent the night over at one of Rosalie's friends, whose mom later told me she was worshipped like a goddess by the younger girls.
I've been thinking of placing more trust in Divine Love that things will all work out, but am unsure if that makes any sense. 1) Is there such a thing as Divine Love and 2) Can one trust it to do what's best? After all, I turned from faith because of what Divine Love has done to me. It gave me Don, who has insulted me and hurt me and stopped supporting the family and whose eyes glaze over when I talk. Why should I go back to trusting Divine Love? Who holds God accountable?
Saturday was a nice day. Regan took us swimming at a friend's beautiful hacienda, composed of several impressive adobe houses and a garden they made bloom in the midst of the desert. The pool is surrounded with a hedge of roses. Two of Regan's friends came too. I did my best to chat with them and fit in with the group, but I'm not very good at it and I've been getting worse lately. We all went out for an early dinner where another of Regan's friends joined us. I felt very much in the way. I'm sure Regan would rather have been visiting with her friends who she hasn't seen in a while than with me. I tried my best to be cheery and make conversation during swimming but I just couldn't do it during dinner. The tears came on again. Luckily baby Cathy was being fussy. I was able to leave the table and walk around with her.
It's going to be really hard for me when the girls are grown. I can be their mom but I don't think I can be their friend. They'll figure me out. They'll realize I have nothing to offer anybody. They won't be interested in me. They'll leave.
Monday, July 21, 2003
Lovely day. Went to Dad's in the evening, had sausages with Dad and Don. Made a fruit cream tart in the medieval fashion.
Talked to Joe in the afternoon. He called and had time to talk. It was a wonderful talk, wonderful because it was long and about important things. I wish I was as beautiful as he is. He had been angry at me, he said, because I won't leave Don. I explained why: because I don't want the girls to come from a broken home. Because if I did they'd never see him at all. What about my happiness, he asked. Shouldn't I be modeling a good relationship for them? Don't I think they notice that things are not right between their father and me? Yes of course they notice. I wish I could give them the perfect home, a home with a loving father and mother, but there are things I can't model for them. They are going to have to forgive me for that. I cried a little. If he noticed, I hope he didn't mind.
Tuesday, July 22, 2003
Lovely day. SCA get together in the evening: pavilions, potluck, fighting and socializing. Most of us in garb. I wore a simple flowing black dress with a gold belt. I met a Spanish lady from Navarre and had a fun and interesting talk with her. Note to self: memorize the provinces and read some Spanish history, inc. Ornament of the World.
Afterward I went swimming at the Y. My purpose is to release endomorphins thru exercise, helping me to feel better and helping me cope with my strong feelings for Joe.
Friday, July 25, 2003
Joe finally told me the truth -- "I've misrepresented my position. . . been grasping at straws . . . don't necessarily think we're compatible."
I wept a few tears but pep talked myself out of feeling blue. I feel foolish for feeling so strongly for so long, especially because his bad points make him a very poor choice for a partner.
The truth is, he's right. We're not compatible. I never want to do him from behind with a strapped-on dildo. I don't want to engage in wife-swapping. I don't want to be part of a menage a trois. So you see, with me he'd always be unhappy. In addition he's a complainer, a pothead, a smoker, unhappy with his job and his life, and can't get along with his bosses. He has had many sexual partners and has two children by two women. He's mildly bipolar, is on meds for depression and describes himself as passive/aggressive.
So why did I love him? Because he's smart and funny. He smiled when I smiled and turned pink when he saw me. Because he's adventurous and knowledgeable and uses words of three and four syllables. Because he said when he first met me it took his breath away. Because he said he would have come and talked to me more but couldn't due to the strength of his feeling. I loved him because I sensed a deep similarity between the two of us; I felt that in our depths we were exactly the same, so much so that if I called him by thought he'd hear me.
It was a wonderful experience, being rejected. I'm filled with admiration that he had the courage. I'm amazed at the truth revealed -- that rejection is sometimes necessary. Sometimes it's the best thing for all concerned, the kindest thing that can be done. It is truthful, it is honest, it is authentic. It snapped me to my senses.
I went to a medieval party in the evening. These are wonderful and great practice for me becoming more social. Kendall came too. She bid on and won a purse and an embroidered cloth so she was pretty happy.
Weekend, July 26-27, 2003
On Saturday I went to the school district surplus sale with Maria and Raul. We all had a great time. I got some excellent books on the Middle Ages and a coin book for Don that he really likes. I also painted the west wall of the front room turquoise. It is a lovely color but I'm not happy with it. I think I'll try a golden yellow. On Sunday I ice-skated, sewed a bit of garb and had Maria over to see the wall. She really likes it. Rhiannon is at camp and Michaela is in Minnesota so Kendall is an only child. It's lots of fun having her.
I couldn't go to work today; I was crying too much. I cried for a while in the parking lot, then decided I'd better take the day off. I didn't go home; I went to the library where I used the Internet to e-mail in sick. Now I'm sitting by the window, looking at the creek, reading and writing. I'm much better at the moment. Not crying, anyway.
I was crying because I can't overcome the faults that keep me from true happiness; because I love Joe and he doesn't love me, because I'll never be able to build the close spiritually-centered family I wanted, because I'm small and insignificant and don't matter to anybody, because I want so much for things to matter but nothing does, because life with Don is a struggle, because no one is strong enough to listen to me.
What I want is to be loved. I want is a small circle of people who love me. But I can't get it. I don't have the ability to get it.
I'm going crazy. Life means nothing. I'm going crazy because I do not speak the truth. I'm going crazy because I have to bear things alone.
Wednesday, July 9, 2003
I'm still going mad. There's nothing to live for anymore. I can't start a new relationship with anyone because it would just be a repeat of my marriage with Don -- criticism, despising me, refusal to be counted upon.
Here's a quote from The Hours: (speaking of an old hotel, which used to be nice because in days past . . .) "hopes were nutured here, that upon entering the lobby people were expected to feel as if they were moving in an orderly fashion into a future that held something worth having."
I wish I had a future like that -- one worth having. I don't see it from here. The future contains nothing worth having, only my father's death, Joe's death, my death.
I cannot keep the darkness away. I cannot be strong any longer.
No. I refuse to descend into madness. I won't go down that way. Somehow I must find hope. Somehow I must find love. I need a teacher. I need community. I ask the universe, I ask the infinite, for the things I need.
Thursday, July 10, 2003
Today was a pretty good day. I did get a little weepy but was able to overcome it. I was happy mostly. I talked to Lorraine and my sister Regan on the phone. I am happiest when I have talked to people. Talked to my dad, too, about the Chewelah trip. I don't want to go this year. I want Don to go and take the kids so I can be alone for a week. I never talk to Don anymore. There's nothing to say to him. Joe didn't call. He said he would but he didn't. It's the same as always. He doesn't need to talk to me, doesn't need to hear my voice, doesn't want to get involved. Charity, you need to move on.
Weekend, July 11-13, 2003
I took Friday off and drove down to Albuquerque with Kendall to pick up Michaela. It's a very long drive but was pleasant to spend the time with Kendall.
Michaela spent the week down in Albuquerque with her cousins, the oldest of whom is 10. Even though she's a lot older, she loves playing with them. I think she really likes being the older sister for a change. At home she's the youngest. All her life her sisters have been bigger and smarter and more capable than she. Down in Albuquerque she gets to be the biggest and smartest. She spent the night over at one of Rosalie's friends, whose mom later told me she was worshipped like a goddess by the younger girls.
I've been thinking of placing more trust in Divine Love that things will all work out, but am unsure if that makes any sense. 1) Is there such a thing as Divine Love and 2) Can one trust it to do what's best? After all, I turned from faith because of what Divine Love has done to me. It gave me Don, who has insulted me and hurt me and stopped supporting the family and whose eyes glaze over when I talk. Why should I go back to trusting Divine Love? Who holds God accountable?
Saturday was a nice day. Regan took us swimming at a friend's beautiful hacienda, composed of several impressive adobe houses and a garden they made bloom in the midst of the desert. The pool is surrounded with a hedge of roses. Two of Regan's friends came too. I did my best to chat with them and fit in with the group, but I'm not very good at it and I've been getting worse lately. We all went out for an early dinner where another of Regan's friends joined us. I felt very much in the way. I'm sure Regan would rather have been visiting with her friends who she hasn't seen in a while than with me. I tried my best to be cheery and make conversation during swimming but I just couldn't do it during dinner. The tears came on again. Luckily baby Cathy was being fussy. I was able to leave the table and walk around with her.
It's going to be really hard for me when the girls are grown. I can be their mom but I don't think I can be their friend. They'll figure me out. They'll realize I have nothing to offer anybody. They won't be interested in me. They'll leave.
Monday, July 21, 2003
Lovely day. Went to Dad's in the evening, had sausages with Dad and Don. Made a fruit cream tart in the medieval fashion.
Talked to Joe in the afternoon. He called and had time to talk. It was a wonderful talk, wonderful because it was long and about important things. I wish I was as beautiful as he is. He had been angry at me, he said, because I won't leave Don. I explained why: because I don't want the girls to come from a broken home. Because if I did they'd never see him at all. What about my happiness, he asked. Shouldn't I be modeling a good relationship for them? Don't I think they notice that things are not right between their father and me? Yes of course they notice. I wish I could give them the perfect home, a home with a loving father and mother, but there are things I can't model for them. They are going to have to forgive me for that. I cried a little. If he noticed, I hope he didn't mind.
Tuesday, July 22, 2003
Lovely day. SCA get together in the evening: pavilions, potluck, fighting and socializing. Most of us in garb. I wore a simple flowing black dress with a gold belt. I met a Spanish lady from Navarre and had a fun and interesting talk with her. Note to self: memorize the provinces and read some Spanish history, inc. Ornament of the World.
Afterward I went swimming at the Y. My purpose is to release endomorphins thru exercise, helping me to feel better and helping me cope with my strong feelings for Joe.
Friday, July 25, 2003
Joe finally told me the truth -- "I've misrepresented my position. . . been grasping at straws . . . don't necessarily think we're compatible."
I wept a few tears but pep talked myself out of feeling blue. I feel foolish for feeling so strongly for so long, especially because his bad points make him a very poor choice for a partner.
The truth is, he's right. We're not compatible. I never want to do him from behind with a strapped-on dildo. I don't want to engage in wife-swapping. I don't want to be part of a menage a trois. So you see, with me he'd always be unhappy. In addition he's a complainer, a pothead, a smoker, unhappy with his job and his life, and can't get along with his bosses. He has had many sexual partners and has two children by two women. He's mildly bipolar, is on meds for depression and describes himself as passive/aggressive.
So why did I love him? Because he's smart and funny. He smiled when I smiled and turned pink when he saw me. Because he's adventurous and knowledgeable and uses words of three and four syllables. Because he said when he first met me it took his breath away. Because he said he would have come and talked to me more but couldn't due to the strength of his feeling. I loved him because I sensed a deep similarity between the two of us; I felt that in our depths we were exactly the same, so much so that if I called him by thought he'd hear me.
It was a wonderful experience, being rejected. I'm filled with admiration that he had the courage. I'm amazed at the truth revealed -- that rejection is sometimes necessary. Sometimes it's the best thing for all concerned, the kindest thing that can be done. It is truthful, it is honest, it is authentic. It snapped me to my senses.
I went to a medieval party in the evening. These are wonderful and great practice for me becoming more social. Kendall came too. She bid on and won a purse and an embroidered cloth so she was pretty happy.
Weekend, July 26-27, 2003
On Saturday I went to the school district surplus sale with Maria and Raul. We all had a great time. I got some excellent books on the Middle Ages and a coin book for Don that he really likes. I also painted the west wall of the front room turquoise. It is a lovely color but I'm not happy with it. I think I'll try a golden yellow. On Sunday I ice-skated, sewed a bit of garb and had Maria over to see the wall. She really likes it. Rhiannon is at camp and Michaela is in Minnesota so Kendall is an only child. It's lots of fun having her.
Friday, August 31, 2001
I want what I can't have
I feel grumpy today because I want something I can't have. And like a spoiled child, I want to throw a tantrum. It's Joe I want. And of course I can't have him. I'm married.
Thursday, August 30, 2001
I'm afraid of programming class
I got 22 out of 30, or 73 percent, on the calculus readiness exam which they consider good to go. I'm dropping it anyway in favor of Data Structures. Second class today. Am I sure I want to do this? I'm filled with fear about my ability to understand the material and complete the projects. It's how I felt all last semester. I'd sit on my bed looking at my programming assignment and wondering how on earth to do it. I always managed to figure it out, though, and I did end up with an A in the class, but the feeling was pretty overwhelming and I don't want to feel that way anymore. The events of the past two years have left my coping abilities at a very low level.
I wandered around Norlin Library after class today, marveling at all the information in the world and at how much there was to know. I feel hungry to know it all. At home, I walked dog, helped with homework and went to Dad's.
I wandered around Norlin Library after class today, marveling at all the information in the world and at how much there was to know. I feel hungry to know it all. At home, I walked dog, helped with homework and went to Dad's.
Wednesday, August 29, 2001
Tuesday, August 28, 2001
We had a quiz in calculus today. It tested our knowledge of algebra and trig. Supposedly the test is a good indicator of how well we'll do in calculus. It's been what, 20 years since I had algebra? I had to flat-out guess on a third of the questions. I don't think my grade is going to be very high.
Attended Data Structures, which has calculus as a prereq even though it's not used. I
asked the instructor if I could skip calculus. He said it was required mainly as a measure of "mathematical maturity", but I did need logarithms. Several of the other students offered to help me with that part.
At home, the girls and I hung around doing homework, playing with the dog, and visiting with each other.
Attended Data Structures, which has calculus as a prereq even though it's not used. I
asked the instructor if I could skip calculus. He said it was required mainly as a measure of "mathematical maturity", but I did need logarithms. Several of the other students offered to help me with that part.
At home, the girls and I hung around doing homework, playing with the dog, and visiting with each other.
Monday, August 27, 2001
Olive Party
First calculus class today. It doesn't look too hard yet.
We had one of our olive parties this evening. This is how they work: I buy five each of several kinds of olives from the olive bar at Whole Foods. There are all kinds of olives at the olive bar — green, ripe, big, small, pitted, seed-in, stuffed, empty, plain, flavored, all from various places around the world. We eat them and compare notes. My favorite olive today was the small green pitted one flavored with rosemary.
We had one of our olive parties this evening. This is how they work: I buy five each of several kinds of olives from the olive bar at Whole Foods. There are all kinds of olives at the olive bar — green, ripe, big, small, pitted, seed-in, stuffed, empty, plain, flavored, all from various places around the world. We eat them and compare notes. My favorite olive today was the small green pitted one flavored with rosemary.
Sunday, August 26, 2001
Back to School
I can't believe summer is over. School starts in earnest tomorrow, for me as well as the girls. I'm taking calculus this semester.
I went up to the reservoir in the evening. There was a triathlon going on, and it was very crowded by the beach house. I parked in the main parking lot and walked along the beach to the marina, where it was very quiet. Someone had put a picnic table out on the sand. I sat on a picnic bench, looking out over the water and reflecting back on my sailing time here. I can be there again just by thinking about it.
I went up to the reservoir in the evening. There was a triathlon going on, and it was very crowded by the beach house. I parked in the main parking lot and walked along the beach to the marina, where it was very quiet. Someone had put a picnic table out on the sand. I sat on a picnic bench, looking out over the water and reflecting back on my sailing time here. I can be there again just by thinking about it.
• "Excuse me, guys, I'd like to point out that we are sailing off into the sunset." • "Shipmate!" • High-fiving with Mark • Raising the sails on the keel boats • Sitting on the foredeck while underway, jibsail above me • Sitting on the foredeck at the floating dock, talking to Joe and enjoying the sun • My Sunfish crashing through the water in high wind, water over the bow, spray in my face • Talking with Jayne while watching the storm go by • Smiles across the water • Lake and sky turned pure gold by the setting sun •I still felt reflective when I got back home. Once everyone was in bed, I sat out on the porch in the light of the waxing moon. It was a little more than half full, bright white, cold and brilliant. Ice on fire.
Saturday, August 25, 2001
A day at various parties
Went with the whole family, dog included, to a pig roast today at a friend of Don's in Allenspark. I didn't know a soul there except Bill and Nancy, and to tell you the truth, I had no desire to meet anyone. I hung out with Rhiannon. We played horseshoes, took the dog for a walk, and generally enjoyed the beautiful mountain scenery. I did meet someone right at the end, a guy named Bob who has an eyeball tattooed on the palm of his hand. Bob was in a very introspective mood (for the last five years, says Don). He told me about his world travels and the crazy people in Pakistan.
Today is my Dad's birthday. I made the birthday cake (from scratch, may I add). The girls and I went down to his place after the pig roast to join the festivities. Ramona, her kids, and her friend Sam were up from Albuquerque. Also in attendance: Ray and family, Rich and kids, Maria and kid, Tess and family. The place was rocking. Everyone was impressed with the cake which was more than it deserved. I had used all-purpose flour and regular sugar so the texture was very coarse; it was like chocolate bread. Dad gathered all the kids in the front room to play a mystery song for them: Shostakovich's "Happy Birthday". It's a variation on the traditional Happy Birthday song. Some of the kids could tell what it was, some of them already knew it.
Today is my Dad's birthday. I made the birthday cake (from scratch, may I add). The girls and I went down to his place after the pig roast to join the festivities. Ramona, her kids, and her friend Sam were up from Albuquerque. Also in attendance: Ray and family, Rich and kids, Maria and kid, Tess and family. The place was rocking. Everyone was impressed with the cake which was more than it deserved. I had used all-purpose flour and regular sugar so the texture was very coarse; it was like chocolate bread. Dad gathered all the kids in the front room to play a mystery song for them: Shostakovich's "Happy Birthday". It's a variation on the traditional Happy Birthday song. Some of the kids could tell what it was, some of them already knew it.
Thursday, August 23, 2001
Last sailing class
Last sailing class of the summer. Boo hoo! It was sunny and windless, but no matter, it's beautiful out there. We practiced reefing and dropping anchor, and I learned how to work the outboard motor. My crew and I made tentative plans to sail at Carter Lake in three weeks. My crew is Mark, Mike and I. I wonder if they think "my crew" when they think about the three of us the way I do.
We hung around talking after the lesson was over. After a while, Joe came walking up the path, having finished his duties as sailing master. "Want to talk for ten minutes?" I asked. I pulled my car up so it was facing the reservoir and we sat in it, talking, while the world got darker and darker and the moonlight shimmered on the lake. It was pretty neat. I had been lonely for him all summer. Then we went out for Chinese.
As we said our goodbyes, he hugged me. Or at least, he tried to, but I misinterpreted him and kissed him instead. A very sensuous kiss, he later told me. One of the most sensuous he's ever had.
I can't help it. I'm crazy for him.
We hung around talking after the lesson was over. After a while, Joe came walking up the path, having finished his duties as sailing master. "Want to talk for ten minutes?" I asked. I pulled my car up so it was facing the reservoir and we sat in it, talking, while the world got darker and darker and the moonlight shimmered on the lake. It was pretty neat. I had been lonely for him all summer. Then we went out for Chinese.
As we said our goodbyes, he hugged me. Or at least, he tried to, but I misinterpreted him and kissed him instead. A very sensuous kiss, he later told me. One of the most sensuous he's ever had.
I can't help it. I'm crazy for him.
Wednesday, August 22, 2001
Missed
I'm kicking myself and pounding my head against the wall because I just found out I missed a sailing make-up class Monday. I had thought it was cancelled; I should have called to verify. Turns out that a couple students and the instructor showed up, so they got to rig the boat out and get out on the water. Darn it, darn it, darn it. I wonder if Joe was there. Probably was; he's the sailing master and has to be there when the students are there. Not only did I miss a chance to go out on the water, but I missed a chance to see Joe.
Oh well. Kendall and I spent some time together. We had a fun little adventure taking the dog for a walk in a place we'd never been before.
Oh well. Kendall and I spent some time together. We had a fun little adventure taking the dog for a walk in a place we'd never been before.
Tuesday, August 21, 2001
Shopped for school clothes with Kendall, Michaela, and their friends Emily and Laura. It helped to have friends along because they reassured the girls that yes, that is a cute shirt and you should definitely get it. The girls don't listen to me about that kind of thing. What does Mom know about fashion?
Sunday, August 19, 2001
I got to participate in a sailing workshop today. Our instructor wanted another student along to help crew, and I was lucky enough to be asked. I need all the learning time I can get. Today's adventures: As I was about to raise the mainsail, a stopper on the mast came loose and went overboard, letting most of the sail come sliding back off. For the record, our instructor was the last one to adjust the stopper. We couldn't use the jib at all because the previous sailors had let the shackle of the jib halyard go all the way up to the top of the mast.
Michaela's home. She had been with the Majors at their cabin in Steamboat for a week. She had a wonderful time. Jim is a great spiritual leader of his family. Every night they had a little ceremony. They formed a circle, then Jim went around to each child, touched their chest, head and shoulder and said "Love the LORD your God with all your heart, mind and strength." They said the Our Father, then he touched each child's forehead and said, "May the Lord Jesus bless you."
Michaela's home. She had been with the Majors at their cabin in Steamboat for a week. She had a wonderful time. Jim is a great spiritual leader of his family. Every night they had a little ceremony. They formed a circle, then Jim went around to each child, touched their chest, head and shoulder and said "Love the LORD your God with all your heart, mind and strength." They said the Our Father, then he touched each child's forehead and said, "May the Lord Jesus bless you."
Saturday, August 18, 2001
Friday, August 17, 2001
Thursday, August 16, 2001
Second class in intermediate Cal-20. Good day for sailing and good company. Got some time in on the water. Crunched the keel in the shallows, but luckily it's a swinging keel so we weren't in the kind of trouble we could have been in. The instructor failed to instruct us not to pass the warning buoy line.
Wednesday, August 15, 2001
Day Four - the Fourth Pearl
Today's a sad day because today we go back home.
Shari, Lindsey and two others stopped at Aunt Marg's on the way home from their morning ride and let me take a spin on one of the horses. I rode Flash, a two-year-old, around the loop of the drive. No big deal.
Ater they left, Dad, Aunt Marg and I breakfasted and visited. It was my turn to cut up the peaches for breakfast this morning. Then Dad and I were on our way. We popped up to Colville to buy a swimsuit I saw there yesterday. Decided I didn't like it, after all, but Dad bought raffle tickets for two guns, so he doesn't feel like the trip was wasted.
Then off to Spokane. We were due at the 12:00 mass at the Cathedral of Our Lady of Lourdes. We met Mike there. Then to Burger King for lunch, then to the airport, and home. My days of pearl, my diamond hours, have come to an end.
Shari, Lindsey and two others stopped at Aunt Marg's on the way home from their morning ride and let me take a spin on one of the horses. I rode Flash, a two-year-old, around the loop of the drive. No big deal.
Ater they left, Dad, Aunt Marg and I breakfasted and visited. It was my turn to cut up the peaches for breakfast this morning. Then Dad and I were on our way. We popped up to Colville to buy a swimsuit I saw there yesterday. Decided I didn't like it, after all, but Dad bought raffle tickets for two guns, so he doesn't feel like the trip was wasted.
Then off to Spokane. We were due at the 12:00 mass at the Cathedral of Our Lady of Lourdes. We met Mike there. Then to Burger King for lunch, then to the airport, and home. My days of pearl, my diamond hours, have come to an end.
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