Valentine

Roses are #990000;
Violets are #0000FF.
All my base
Are belong to you.

The story of All Your Base
All Your Base movie

Today's Lesson: Want What You Have

"Once there was a way to get back homeward" began to play on the radio, and I became overwhelmed with feelings of loss and disappointment. How do you handle it when what you love is gone forever? What do you do when you can never go home? What if you can never get what you want?

I asked Rhiannon about this. She said to want something else. She should know. All her life she's wanted to be an astronaut. She's smart, she's motivated, she's lucky, and even though the competition is intense she could probably do it. She's also colorblind. When she found that out she had to let that dream go.

Here are the steps to learning to want what you have:

(1) Compassion: notice that others want basically the same things you do for the same reasons.
(2) Attention: be aware of what you are doing and feeling, and do it and feel it completely.
(3) Gratitude: practice being thankful for the incredible gifts you currently have.

Truthfulness

Generally I hide my true feelings. It's only anger and difficult situations that inspire me to truthfulness. Provoked by the disappointment with Joe, I had an authentic conversation with Don for once. It was really nice. We actually talked about how we feel about things and what we want in life and we ended up having a real nice day together.

It's Over

Thank God the drama has ended.

Here's what happened: I went over at lunch for some cuddle time. We got naked but he was unable to complete the act. Afterwards we lay in each others arms and talked. I cried a bit at his failing health. "I love you, you know," I said, and asked if he loved me. Pause. Uh oh. Turns out he is infatuated but doesn't have that depth of feeling. So there it is. I truly AM a slut for sleeping with a guy who doesn't love me, and he really IS just a player. No more, though. I can't whore myself out like that any more with a guy who doesn't love me. You know what's even worse? He probably feels sorry for me. Oh God, spare me from that man's pity.

Damn. It costs $200 to get that diaphragm and I haven't even used it.

I'm such an idiot. I ignored the basic advice: if a guy is crazy about you, he finds ways to see you. He calls you. He can't wait to see you again. He puts in the footwork. He works things out. These are basic fundamental rules of male behavior which Joe did not exhibit. I knew he was not working at this but I pushed ahead anyway. And here I am, finding out that the rules are right, the rules can be trusted. Guys don't change. If they love you, they do certain things; things that Joe did not do. I've no one to blame but myself in all this. He did not use me. I used myself. I am now totally embarrassed and ashamed of myself.

Damn. Now it's back to envying roadkill; back to learning to live without him; back to learning to make each day whole and complete in itself, without him.

My song now:
Love hurts, love scars,
Love wounds and mars
Any heart not tough or strong enough
To take a lot of pain, take a lot of pain
Love is like a cloud
It holds a lot of rain.

The meds have arrived!

Hooray, the meds have arrived! Diazepam is indicated for anxiety and sleeplessness, right? So I took one before I went to bed last night in leiu of a sleeping pill. Well, I still couldn't sleep but this time it didn't bother me. I was okay with having insomnia. I guess you can say the pill half worked.

Anti-Anxiety Meds

I ordered diazepam online. Man, I feel better already, just knowing they are on their way. $80 for 30 5-mg pills which I'll split in half, stretching them out for 60 days. That's a good long time and more than enough. I don't need them every day so these should last at least half a year.

Nothing

He didn't call for private time at all this past week. And yea, it hurts. I wish he wanted me. I wish he needed me. I had a lovely spiritual retreat however. I've begun a serious meditation practice as described in Full Catastrophe Living. I'm doing a body scan meditation every morning, breathing at night, and mindfulness all day. I've needed this for a while as my stress levels get pretty high sometimes due to the anxiety of Rhiannon leaving and the pain of piriformis syndrome. I learned an important lesson Saturday evening while Rhiannon and I were drinking chais at Borders Bookstore -- I realized that worry cuts you off from the happiness of the moment. I've been so upset about her going that I haven't been able to enjoy her presence. I stopped worrying immediately upon understanding that. I don't want to be miserable the last two weeks I have with her. I want to be happy. Can I transfer this lesson to my troubles with Joe? I'll try.

Update 1: Joe called while I was typing. We had a longish chatty pleasant conversation. He didn't ask to see me. He asked me to find size 1 swim fins online for his daughter. Nothing about our love or even our friendship. He's a player. He's just playing.

Update 2: I had a Monster Energy drink at lunch and I'm flying. I have a slight headache but the moodiness is gone. Maybe I don't need to see the doctor about that Valium after all. Maybe Monster Energy drinks are all I need. And they are a hellava lot cheaper than a $130 doctor's visit.

Don Suspects

He caught me in a lie, for one, so that wasn't good. I denied the whole thing. One of these days it's gonna blow up in my face. In our faces. Is that what we want? I feel sick.

Went swimming with Joe and his six-year-old daughter on Saturday morn. She had us play a game where Don and I were mer-husband and mer-wife and she was our mer-child. I was totally up for that. She's a perceptive little thing, Joe says. In the evening I went to Joe's alone as Don did not want to go. He was sulking, probably because he knows I prefer Joe to him. Joe and I watched Poseidon naked. Couldn't have done that with Don there. This morning I got fitted for a diaphragm. I think the Instead Softcup would work as well.

I'm not going to call him this week. I'm going to take a break. If he wants to see me he can call me. He might call our house to invite the two of us over in which case I won't go. This week it's private time or nothing.

Nice Things He's Said

• You are a fine looking woman
• You took my breath away when I first met you, and I thought, "I'm in trouble now."
• When you went by, I wanted to fall to my knees and worship.
• My feelings were so intense I couldn't even look at you, much less come and talk to you.

Problem Not Solved

A couple years ago, when we were first flirting with a relationship, I wanted him so badly that I couldn't sleep. I thought that if I got my arms around him the problem would go away. But now here we are, most definitely in a relationship, and it turns out that the days I get to hold him are the ones that l can't sleep. I lie awake all night thinking about all we've done. I hardly slept a wink last night.

I love his body and he loves mine.

Okay, It's Not Over

It is just really different than I expect. I'm over-reacting to perceived indifference.

I think.

Anyway, the most unexpected thing happened: he called up this morning to ask me out to lunch. Apparently he couldn't wait to see me. He said he missed me while I was gone. I went to his shop where we had a wonderful time being physical. I had expected it to be wonderful, but this was REALLY wonderful. And when Bee Gees 'How Deep is Your Love' came on the radio, he said it should be our song. In the evening I went to his place after working out. Again, more wonderful togetherness. I'm floating on a golden cloud.

I don't know what the future will bring. I don't want to think about it. The future scares me. From now on I'm going to try to live in just this moment, nothing else. And this moment I'm very very happy.

I want to stand with you on a mountain
I want to bathe with you in the sea
I want to lay like this forever
Until the sky falls down on me.

New York!

Rhiannon and I spent the last eight days in Manhattan. What a fantastic place! We stayed in a hostel on the Upper West Side and did all the touristy things -- Staten Island Ferry, Brooklyn Bridge, a Broadway play, Empire State Building, Metropolitan Museum of Art, the Rainbow Room, etc. etc. I didn't want to come home.

New Yorkers are all thin, as it turns out, and their dogs are all small. They live in tiny expensive apartments and spend most of the time walking about the city. There are people everywhere all the time. I loved Central Park and Times Square and the subway and the book stores and the street performers and so on and so on.

It was really hard at first. Our room was so tiny -- just a bunk bed, a dresser and a flickering florescent light. I thought I couldn't possible live there for eight days. I had a huge problem with anxiety at first, but once I learned how to live in the city it was great. I can't wait to go back.

Conversation

I know you're getting sick of this but I'm not so here's more. I kept all my questions and comments lighthearted.

C: So, I need to get that PostSecret book back from you some time.
J: Do you want to come here or get it at home?
C: Oh I don't care. Whichever. *pause* Is your secret that you want to break up with your friend's wife but don't know how to tell her?
J: No! (laughing)
C: Then why don't you call me?
J: I've been really busy. I've been slammed here at work
C: That's such a crappy excuse.
J: I hate the phone. I'm trying to get work done, and it's ringing.
C: Sucks to be you, huh?
J: Not really.
C: Sucks to be one person working alone in an auto shop.
J: Better than working with others, all that mental abuse.

A bit about Don and how he mistreated me at the shop, about how Joe hated to watch it.

He invited the two of us over tonight. I told him no, I was busy getting ready to go to New York for a week. Also could he keep David company, if it's not too weird to ask that. I told him about the nameless fear I had of going. He called it existential.

It was a pleasant conversation, and wonderful to talk to him as always. I think we're back to three-way visiting: Don, Joe and me.

Some Hours are Better than Others

I finally called Sunday evening. He didn't pick up so I left a short message. Now it's Tuesday and still nothing. Guess it's over for sure. I've been dumped. Yes, it hurts.

Here's the thought from Ernest Holmes Science of Mind that's getting me through: "Today is the only day in which we live. We have to live each day as though it were complete and perfect within itself. We have to live each day as though all the joy there is in the universe were ours now."

So I tell myself, "Today is whole and complete within itself." It's hard to imagine that a day can be whole and complete without him; sometimes I'm not sure I can be whole and complete without him. But the words slowly seep into my being. Maybe I'll be okay.

Still Nothing

It's now Friday afternoon. I haven't seen or heard from him since Monday, when I called to see if I could come over. Is it too much to ask that the guy I obsess about also obsess about me? Apparently it is. I can no longer ignore the fact that he doesn't care to see me or to hear my voice. *Sigh.* Well, the month of August was a wonderful month. I got to talk to him, and touch him, and be with him. I loved every minute.

Now it's back to my vow of March 4. No more thinking about Joe.

Qualms

So, Joe and I have begun an affair of sorts. Is it an affair if you aren't going all the way? It seems that the diabetes and smoking are taking their toll -- it's difficult for him to properly perform. Birth control is hardly necessary.

That doesn't bother me as much as the fact that I am the instigator of all our times together. If I don't ask to see him, I won't see him and the affair will fall flat on its face. I think about him but does he think about me? I can't tell.

He's dying, you know

He developed Type 1 diabetes six years ago. He's aging fast, he says. That's okay with me. I said back then that if I couldn't have all of him I'd take a part, and if I couldn't have him healthy I'd take him sick. I still mean it. But now that I have him, I realize how heartbreaking it is to take someone who is sick, someone who is dying before your eyes. I can do it; I want to do it, but I also want to know him while he's still well. I want to have memories of sailing and motorcyle riding and hiking and watching him fix things.

I'm in love with a wonderful guy

"I am in a conventional dither,
with a conventional star in my eye
if you'll excuse an expression I use
I'm in love with a wonderful guy!"

Well, we did it last night, though it took some doing. Today I'm wandering around in a golden haze, as I usually do after spending time with him. Today's worse than usual, though. I had thought that if I finally got my arms around him I'd be able to get some sleep. I wouldn't lay awake at night wanting him. So instead I lay awake thinking about every lovely moment, every word, every look. I don't think I slept last night at all. I don't want to forget any of it. And today I'm saying, "Thank you, God. Thank you, God. Thank you, God. "

I told him I couldn't live without him

But I bet he's gonna make me.

Motorcycle Ride

Went on that ride and it was heaven. I got to have my arms around him in a non-threatening situation which is exactly what I wanted. The most special moment – he put his hand on mine while it rested on his middle. I was really happy as we zoomed around the hills. Back at the shop, we talked. I told him about my feelings without using the word 'love'. We touched more intimately. I admit we probably went too far at that point. We'll have to back off there, but I hope I can still go on motorcycle rides with him.

I like you, you like me, you need touch, I want to give it. You have to stop thinking in terms of right and wrong and instead think in terms of love and respect. What will be the most loving and respectful solution for the three of us? What can we work out that we are both comfortable with?