Facebook Blues

With Facebook, you can watch the few friends you have talk to each other and to other people, and be made even more aware that no one is talking to you.

I love my boyfriend

My boyfriend and I are doing very well. We continue to improve in our ability to handle being upset with each other. We continue to improve in our ability to converse. Sex keeps getting better and better too. We haven't had a diabetic incident of any kind since that last DKA one more than a month ago; as it fades from memory I feel better about the future. He is very smart, very funny, very handsome.

Webkinz Fail

The garden tool labels were messed up the other day, though the tools themselves worked fine. I grabbed a screen shot of it:

Difficulties

Lately I've been thinking about the difficulties of having Jim live with us.

One: I don't have any place to put Karen when she comes home from college.

Two: The complications of Type I diabetes are life-threatening. I've been there when these life-threatening complications are happening; nursed him through them, saved his life a few times. It's difficult living with -- and loving -- someone who you're not sure is going to make it through the day. Will today be another emergency room day? Will we sleep through the night or will his blood sugar go low at 2:00 am again? When that happens I have to try to get glucose syrup into him and when he comes back to consciousness change his soaking wet clothes and sheets.

How many times now have I held him like a baby while trying to get glucose into his system? Five or six, I guess. How many ketoacidosis incidents? Three or four.

It will be like this for the rest of my life.

Value Added

Co-worker Zach J. made an interesting comment yesterday -- when he was in a relationship, he hoped he would be a value-added boyfriend.

I honestly hadn't thought of the relationship issue that way. But of course if makes sense. Why bother doing it if your significant other doesn't add something to your life? Why should I have to tiptoe around on egg shells for the privilege of being his girlfriend?

Right now, for $300 a month, he gets two bedrooms, a family room, unlimited use of the washing machine, no utilities or phone, a yard for his trampoline, 24-hour nursing care, back rubs and sex.

I get $300 bucks, sex, get to give back rubs but don't get any, get to worry, don't have a place to put my children when they come home, don't have a family room or sewing room or hobby room, get to be up all night dealing with ketoacidosis or bottomed-out blood sugar, get to waste my time watching TV.

What value has been added to my life?

A Little Bit Pregnant

I was! Eight days late; when it finally came it was ... different. The symptoms matched those of chemical pregnancy (a pregnancy that is confirmed by lab means only; the fetus never gets big enough to be confirmed by ultrasound). Anyway, the bleeding was fairly light as my periods go, which is consistent with early miscarriage according to some studies, and there were a lot more clots and tissue. I regret that I did not do a pregnancy test. It would be nice to know for sure.

About having a baby: not a good idea. I'd want to stay home with it, but can't as I'm the main support of the household. But mainly I don't want to go through all that again. I absolutely loved being a mom. It was a fantastic adventure that is over. I'm too old to do all that again.

Great Weekend

Trip to Target with Sweetie on Wednesday night. He was hard to talk to that night which put me in a horrible mood for the next two days -- I already have someone I can't talk to, thank you very much. I was all weepy and miserable. I kept to myself Thursday and Friday. Sweetie was very kind to me, and somehow I managed to pull out of it. We had a nice weekend. He invited me to go swimming with him and L on Saturday. We had a sweet time in the evening. On Sunday Don and I finally had a good talk about what we wanted. I wasn't super open because it's hard to say that you don't love someone anymore, but he knows. He said it himself. We are not going to be antagonistic and mean to each other. We're going to be nice. We went out to the coin and comic book store together, during which time he actually talked to me and was friendly.

One, two, I love you

One, two, I love you;
Three, four, let's shut the door;
Five, six, kiss me quick;
I can't wait to hold you once more.

"Sometimes I wish you were my wife"

I hope that can come true someday.

Things have been really good with us. He responds really really well to the happy thoughts that I think. It's amazing. When I send sweetness and light and happiness his way, he reacts in a positive way.

Webkinz: Three Wells!

I got three wells AGAIN in the wishing well!

Pillow Talk

We are greatly enjoying our pillow talk. It's new for me, this happy intimate chat. Very sweet and nice. Last weekend I whispered that he should marry me, and we bantered about what the wedding would be like. Apparently the idea didn't scare him off as he's been very affectionate these past few days. He commented in passing that besides physical intimacy, we have shared spiritual and emotional and mental intimacy as well.

I'm not doing well today

I miss my boyfriend. He spends all his time with Don, who is crazy about him and is all over him all the time. They laugh; they talk; they do little things together; they hang out in the garage smoking and watching T.V. I can't compete with that so I'm not going to.

I'm not high maintenance but I do need some. If I'm not gonna get it I'm out. Joe and Don can have each other. I feel redundant. Joe's got Don for laughter and company, Michaela for a female presence, and porn for sex. I'm just not necessary.

Terri Clark's playing on the radio. God I hate her. I can't stand her voice or her style, just like I can't stand the Dixie Chicks.

You know, no matter how hard I try, I will never ever be able to get what I want. I will always be a scared introvert. That's my biggest secret that I should send to PostSecret. I will never be confident enough to join the group that is laughing and talking outside my door.

Slept Over

I stayed the whole night in his room -- a first. Usually I skip outta there at 2:00 a.m. It was very nice. I always thought I couldn't sleep if someone was touching me. That's not true with him, though. We really do sleep in each other's arms. He woke up at 4:00 which apparently is usual, and we had some nice cuddling and lovely-dovey talk then. Finally went back to sleep and got up at 7:35. Way late!

I've got a really nice boyfriend

I'm reading two wonderful books: Mindful Loving and Inner Radiance, Outer Beauty. As I put the teachings into practice, my relationship with my boyfriend gets better and better. I don't feel so insecure anymore (not so much, anyway). I used to ask him, by way of reassurance, if he loved me. I don't anymore because I don't need to be reassured. And you know what? He says it on his own, lots and lots. He said lots of really sweet things last night. He thinks I'm really sweet. He wonders how he got so lucky.

We're better

We had a short talk about the incident and now we're better. He never did talk about what was bothering him; he doesn't want to keep rehashing it. He did acknowledge that he handled it poorly and should have given me an explanation. He said I was very beautiful and he would never want to hurt me. Fair enough. We had a lovely intimate time in which we talked about how much we loved each other and touched, tentatively, on the subject of marriage. Very scary. I love him sooo much, and he does me, but what if things go wrong? I couldn't take another relationship breakdown.

Something's Bugging Him

He teased me in slightly mean ways all weekend. None of it was really bad by itself but when I review the entirely of it I get pretty angry at being treated that way. Something's bugging him and so he's acting out. I asked him about it but he turned his back, said "What's NOT the matter?" then got out of bed to go watch the Simpson's. Fine. We can be over until, if and when, he can talk about what's on his mind. I don't need snotty treatment. I don't need someone who's not grown-up enough to say what's on his mind. I don't need to hang out with someone I can't talk to. Keep it to yourself.

Thoughts on the situation

My boyfriend is wonderful because he's so manly. He's also smart and funny and good-looking. He thinks I'm pretty and calls me his sexy girlfriend.

On the other hand: he doesn't like it that I'm having an affair. He'd prefer me to be perfect and pure. There's a bit of irony for you, eh? He wishes I were not the kind of person who would have an affair. What am I supposed to do with that? Answer: I can't be with him anymore. I spent many years with someone who despised me (that would be my husband, Don). I'm not going to do that again.

He's always joking; never being serious. I can't really talk to him. I'm always going to be wanting something from him that he's not going to give. Same old story for the past eight years. What have I ever gotten out of this except the hope and expectation that someday he'll love me? That hope has kept me going for so so long but eventually even I have to wake up. This is NEVER going to be an epic love-affair. He's a light-duty boyfriend, nothing else. A handsome smart funny sexy light-duty guy who spends his evenings watching TV. If I want to spend time with him then I have to become a TV watcher too.

I'm bored out of my mind

J and I haven't spent any decent time together in a while. We've been intimate, but w/o face time I end up feeling used. I'm bored out of my mind. I'm gonna take a break from being the dinner-maker for a while. That makes me feel used, too. I'm gonna focus on training Bandit and Dice, and spend sometime with my new digital camera and photo blog. It's a beautiful day out there; I should be taking photos of tombstones.

Email's Down

Note from our network admin:

It appears email in general is down again. 5-HELP is flooded and tells you to call back, so I'm assuming this is an ITS issue. A few people, myself included, can't log into our email even through WebMail. ITS has been making some email routing changes recently; it could have something to do with that. I'm sure they're working on it. I suggest we all just enjoy our Friday afternoon without the use of a critical business tool that this campus can't keep running for more than three weeks at a time.

Wonderful Love

Joe said that, in spite of its weirdness, what he has now is the best thing he's ever had.

Here's what he has: an inexpensive place to live, a buddy to pal around with, and a girl he's loved for a long time who now loves him back.

It's not the perfect situation but it is pretty close. We can't talk about it with anyone but ourselves, but I'd rather have things the way they are -- two boys and one girl -- than have them be like a storybook romance. I'd be afraid of a one-to-one relationship. I'd be afraid that it would get messed up.

Don said he wants me to be happy and if I love Joe, well, he can accept that.