I Miss My Mom

Spiritual Exercises

OceanGuru (who I think is very wise) writes:

Over the years I have found the following exercises to be most helpful:

1) spend ten minutes reliving the ten biggest winning moments in your past. Feel the 'WINNING FEELING" (Maxwell Maltz, PsychoCybernetics

2) Get quiet and think about how you'd feel if you KNEW with no doubt or fear that all your dreams were going to materialize and materialize sooner than you think. Hold that feeling for several minutes every day.

Ovulation Calendar

"You are ovulating between November 24, 2006 and November 26, 2006", says the Ovulation Calculator at womenshealth.gov. November 24 was the day we did it. That was careless of me. I won't be able to do a pregnancy test until a week after December 10, when my next period is due. If it's positive, then mid-February -- 12 weeks -- will be when we can actually talk about it to other people. Stay tuned.

I'm very happy. I'm very worried. And I feel like I've betrayed both Joe and Don.

I Continue In Love

And I always will. I can't stop! What follows is the shocking confession of a married woman about a man not her husband:

The day before Thanksgiving he took me up to Heil Ranch on his motorcycle. It's beautiful up there; we hiked around a bit; also squeezed in some cuddle time. After Thanksgiving dinner with my side of the family, Don and I popped over to Joe's with some Thanksgiving dinner for him. "You should call me tomorrow," I said softly when Don was in the other room. And he did! On Friday we spent several hours together at his place where we got naked, then had lunch and watched Jimmy Neutrino. Saturday night I popped over by myself while on the way back from visiting my daughter Kendall. We had some nice conversation and more making out. Sunday he brought his daughter over to our place and the three of us did puzzles. I spent the day in a happy daze, thinking about how nice it would be to pregnant. Sunday night Don and I went over to his place to watch James Bond and play UpWords. I won again! He was really sweet to me. So I've seen him every day for five days in a row. And it's still not enough. I want him always and everywhere.

I see now how a baby is an expression of love. I never really thought about it with Don. Our babies just happened along and I felt lucky that he tolerated them. It's not like we wanted to build a family as an expression of our love. That's how I feel about Joe, though. I want to have his baby and build a family together as an expression of our love.

Not that having a baby would make any sense. I'm almost 47, my girls are grown up, I've got a career which I want to keep, and I won't be able to stay home with the child. I'm sure there's tons more reasons, including not being married to the guy. But love doesn't make any sense, does it?

I invited him and his little girl over next weekend to make gingerbread houses for Christmas. They might let me come to Worlds of Wonder with them, too. So I have a nice weekend to look forward to. In the meantime, I'm going to concentrate on my work (become the best!) and my spiritual development (meditation, Science of Mind). I'm going to try to think about something besides his smile and his bright eyes every minute of every day the way I usually do.

Marie Antoinette

Went to see MA this weekend, having greatly anticipated it's release since summer. I was tremendously disappointed. It's boring as hell. Pretty to look at, but boring as hell. Several times during the show I was tempted to cut my losses and leave but convinced myself to stay because surely something was about to happen; surely a story would soon emerge from this jumble of random images. It never did.

The film is nothing more than a series of bright and colorful pictures from the life of Marie Antoinette. Oh sure, there was a little rumbling around the edges that things weren't so bright and happy in France but these issues were largely kept out of the movie. The unhappiness of their country scarcely touched them. There was no development of Marie's character, no in-depth look at what she was thinking or feeling. Surely she thought and felt something of depth over the course of her lifetime. The movie ends with the royal couple riding away in their coach. It looked to me like they got safely away. How can you end a movie about Marie Antoinette with her getting safely away?

I'm blogging this from my dashboard widget. So, he called, momentarily. I saw the caller ID, and as I pondered whether to answer, he apparently decided against it. I don't think I can stand by my promise to myself -- to never see or talk to him again.  

Betrayed Secrets

Last week I asked Tarot for a thought on the situation. I drew two cards, an adjective-noun pair. Three of swords - High Priestess said the Tarot: Betrayed Secrets. Uh oh.

I've decided not to go over to Joe's anymore. I can't stand all this endless up-and-down, does he like me/doesn't he, hot and cold that I've been going through. I want it to be over. I'm going to tell Don that I have a crush on Joe and because of that I don't want to see him anymore. That's as far as I'll go with betraying the secret.

I asked Tarot what it thought of my decision. Chariot-Five of Swords, it said. I've been puzzling the meaning. Victorius Conflict? Masculine Conflict, perhaps? That's certainly amusing but it won't stop me from doing what I've decided to do.

Gaining Forgiveness

One way I approach something like this when I am dealing with a person is - I imagine I'm at a beach on the ocean. The ocean waves are smoothly and peacefully coming in and flowing out. I imagine myself coming in from the right side of the picture along the beach. I guess you'd say, 'I enter from stage left' in theater vernacular.

I feel the sand on my bare feet as I slowly walk a ways along the beach with the ocean to my right. When I feel like it I sit down facing the ocean and watch the waves coming and going, easily and peacefully. I get myself in a very quiet and serene mood. Then I see the person I want to talk to coming toward me from my left. They come up to me and sit down to my left side, also facing the ocean.

I tell myself that this is my soul talking with the other person's soul. That we are talking soul to soul. After we are both sitting there for a few minutes and things are peaceful and quiet between us, I open up to the other soul. If I have offended that person, I apologize. If necessary, I explain my position to that other person and tell them why I was upset with them and/or why I did what I did and again apologize to them for offending them if necessary.

Now this is the important part. After I apologize and explain my position I SIT QUIETLY AND WAIT for their response. I DON'T PUT WORDS IN THEIR MOUTH. I WAIT FOR THEM TO SPEAK. Sometimes I hear what they have to say; sometimes not. Either way, I KNOW THAT WHAT I SAID WENT TO THEIR SOUL AND THEY HEARD WHAT I HAD TO SAY.

Sometimes we get into a discussion, sometimes not. But I never say anything for the other person -- I just listen.

After I have said all I needed to say and I feel as if the other soul has said what they have to say, we sit quietly there on the sand watching the ocean waves again.

Then I put a globe around the both of us. Usually a lightly colored golden globe. We are both inside that globe. Then I fill that globe with all the love, light, peace and serenity that I can. We'll sit in that globe filled with light and love until I feel inside that it is enough.

Then I imagine us both moving toward the ocean inside that globe. That globe floats on the ocean for a while and then sinks until we are completely surrounded by the ocean, which is God's Ocean of Love. I imagine the ocean getting a lighter and lighter color of blue until it turns into a white light and both our souls are bathed in that white
light.

When I feel it's time, I open my eyes and forget about it; let it go. I never speak to that person of this experience, but invariably, after a session like this, that person will respond in the outer world completely friendly and warmly towards me. Our dispute has been resolved.

Fullness

I feel so full of joy right now, for all kinds of reasons: because I get to see Joe tonight, because I'll have lunch with him next week, because I'm going to knit Kendall a Gryffindor scarf, because this weekend I am making a long black skirt and going iceskating, because I love playing UpWords, because I just had a hot chocolate, because I am learning the next level of CSS, because I meditate, because I love the Tao, because I have faith in God's universe and everything is going to be okay.

I'm Such a Liar

I could never let it be over. He calls; I come. And I think,"I get to have sex with Joe again!"

Postcard to Her Friend

What you wrote didn't ruin the card, I loved it.

I won't forget.

I loved your family. Heard you're going to Japan! That is awesome! Write me with the details?

Don't forget me.

(heart), Rhiannon

It Continues to Be Over

Don and I went over to Joe's to catch the end of the football game. I thought it would be a nice distraction for me, keeping my mind off Rhiannon's absence. And it was a nice distraction. We channel surfed and played UpWords. I had a good time. I'm so glad it's over, though. I don't want him to call me; I don't want to pick things back up; I want to let them lie peacefully where they are.

Parables

While at the bookstore, Rhiannon made up a little parable that ended, "The little piggie didn't know the dirt." She prompted me to make up one, too. Here's mine:

"They wandered through the bookstore, picking up this book and that, continually looking for the book that had the answers to their questions. They didn't know that only they could write that book."

Update

I've got four more days and three more nights with Rhiannon. She off with the Marines on Sunday night. She'll spend the night in Denver, then early Monday she ships out. Perhaps I'll go watch her swear in. What's weird is that I'm not upset just now. I'm happy. Is it because the meditation practice is working? Or is relaxation a side effect of the cough and cold pill I took this morning?

In other news, I have no desire to see or speak with Joe. None. After four years of obsessively thinking of him it's finally out of my system, driven out by the embarrassment and humiliation of not having my feelings returned.

I don't know where the future will take me, but it will probably be interesting, possibly even adventurous and exciting.

I'm Too Fat!!!!!

Bad news: I'm 6 pounds over my ideal weight. I tipped the scale at 129 pounds at the doctor's today. No wonder my jeans are all so uncomfortable! No wonder I only want to wear stretch pants! No wonder my butt isn't looking any smaller even though I'm working out almost every day! But now I'm getting serious. I'll drop 2 pounds a week for the next three weeks. You'll see. I'll be my old svelt self before you know it.

Valentine

Roses are #990000;
Violets are #0000FF.
All my base
Are belong to you.

The story of All Your Base
All Your Base movie

Today's Lesson: Want What You Have

"Once there was a way to get back homeward" began to play on the radio, and I became overwhelmed with feelings of loss and disappointment. How do you handle it when what you love is gone forever? What do you do when you can never go home? What if you can never get what you want?

I asked Rhiannon about this. She said to want something else. She should know. All her life she's wanted to be an astronaut. She's smart, she's motivated, she's lucky, and even though the competition is intense she could probably do it. She's also colorblind. When she found that out she had to let that dream go.

Here are the steps to learning to want what you have:

(1) Compassion: notice that others want basically the same things you do for the same reasons.
(2) Attention: be aware of what you are doing and feeling, and do it and feel it completely.
(3) Gratitude: practice being thankful for the incredible gifts you currently have.

Truthfulness

Generally I hide my true feelings. It's only anger and difficult situations that inspire me to truthfulness. Provoked by the disappointment with Joe, I had an authentic conversation with Don for once. It was really nice. We actually talked about how we feel about things and what we want in life and we ended up having a real nice day together.

It's Over

Thank God the drama has ended.

Here's what happened: I went over at lunch for some cuddle time. We got naked but he was unable to complete the act. Afterwards we lay in each others arms and talked. I cried a bit at his failing health. "I love you, you know," I said, and asked if he loved me. Pause. Uh oh. Turns out he is infatuated but doesn't have that depth of feeling. So there it is. I truly AM a slut for sleeping with a guy who doesn't love me, and he really IS just a player. No more, though. I can't whore myself out like that any more with a guy who doesn't love me. You know what's even worse? He probably feels sorry for me. Oh God, spare me from that man's pity.

Damn. It costs $200 to get that diaphragm and I haven't even used it.

I'm such an idiot. I ignored the basic advice: if a guy is crazy about you, he finds ways to see you. He calls you. He can't wait to see you again. He puts in the footwork. He works things out. These are basic fundamental rules of male behavior which Joe did not exhibit. I knew he was not working at this but I pushed ahead anyway. And here I am, finding out that the rules are right, the rules can be trusted. Guys don't change. If they love you, they do certain things; things that Joe did not do. I've no one to blame but myself in all this. He did not use me. I used myself. I am now totally embarrassed and ashamed of myself.

Damn. Now it's back to envying roadkill; back to learning to live without him; back to learning to make each day whole and complete in itself, without him.

My song now:
Love hurts, love scars,
Love wounds and mars
Any heart not tough or strong enough
To take a lot of pain, take a lot of pain
Love is like a cloud
It holds a lot of rain.

The meds have arrived!

Hooray, the meds have arrived! Diazepam is indicated for anxiety and sleeplessness, right? So I took one before I went to bed last night in leiu of a sleeping pill. Well, I still couldn't sleep but this time it didn't bother me. I was okay with having insomnia. I guess you can say the pill half worked.