Webkinz W

Look what I found in the Barking Mad mine today!

Update on the friends sob story from below: In just the two days since I invented Katie, I've been doing much better with real people. Somehow having her gives me a lot of confidence. I've done things I never do -- yesterday I insisted on not being interrupted instead of letting people talk over me like I usually do.

I don't have any friends!

It's true. I don't. I am afraid of people. That makes me not like them. When I was in elementary school I used to cry that to my mother. I wonder if she was secretly glad. I don't think she liked me all that much. Just yesterday, though, I was inspired by a PostSecret postcard to create an imaginary friend. So I did! Her name is Katie and she is exactly like me. I'm not creating a friend who has qualities that I don't have. I don't need that. I want someone exactly like me -- moody, funny-looking, socially awkward, etc.

Also, I'll try to pay more attention to people who ARE nice to me. So far today Kevin L talked to me about his garden; Vicki C. and I had a longish chat about technology; Sam S. told me about a band he thought I'd like.

And have I mentioned lately that my boyfriend is wonderful?

Michaela's Birthday!

She turned 19 on Sunday. I made a Black Forest cake and we had a small party. Kendall and boyfriend Xach came over along with friend Cheyenne. Don got her a couple silly presents. I usually give one large present and supplement the pile with a bunch of small nutty things from the Salvation Army but this year I didn't. Honestly, I forgot to. My dog Bandit and my boyfriend Joe are taking up all my mind.

It was a nice weekend. We rented the new Speed Racer movie and greatly enjoyed it, in defiance of the critics. Joe and daughter L took me sailing on Saturday after which I drove up to Ft. Collins to retrieve Kendall. Sunday I took the dogs to Dry Creek Trail and later to Coal Creek Trail.

Also, Joe told me his desire for me has increased over time. I'm finally getting what I wanted more than anything -- his heart. Honestly I'm not sure what to do with it.

Polyamory

What a week! Joe had another low blood sugar incident on Sunday and I got to nurse him through that. The diabetes and its complications have been a good thing for our relationship because we get to be emotionally close. He cried afterwords and said it hurt to love me. It's been a hard week for him because Don and I had been doing a lot of talking and laughing together, and it looked like we were getting our marriage back on track. He thought he didn't have a girlfriend anymore. I told him the truth about everything -- that I'm not really a poly girl; that I don't want to have sex with anybody but him; that Don had agreed to an open marriage as far as Joe was concerned.

I've been doing a wonderful meditation from the Meditation Station Podcast by Stin Hansen, about visualizing your perfect relationship. It's helping me be MUCH more secure and sure of myself around Joe. Previously I've been insecure and jealous. I've done the meditation three times so far, and things are so much happier for me.

A Waste of $60

Went to dinner (The Taj Indian buffet, $30) and a movie (The Sharp Edge, $30) with Joe last night. It was a waste of money and time. I didn't get much pleasure out of any of it. He managed to squeeze in an insult ("You're a freak") and say he didn't want to be in Don's shoes. I can't help thinking that he only wants to play at love. I'm never going to get that epic passionate love, am I?

In Memoriam: September 11

To those we lost,
and those we love,
and those who watch down from above
and those who weep
and those who cried:
those who loved and mourned and died.
In memory we say our prayers
for worries, sorrows, hurts, and cares.

Written by my daughter Rhiannon

Now What?

A long story short: My husband found out I was being unfaithful. Now we are deciding whether we want to stay together. It's really opened up the lines of communication and friendship -- might be the best thing that ever happened to us. We're talking about why it happened, what it's been like for us in the last 20 years, etc etc.

And what do I want? I wanted an epic and passionate relationship with Joe.
What does Joe want? I've no idea.

Divorce

Don and I have had a couple good talks about the situation. We've admitted -- without tears! -- that we haven't been right for each other since Day One. Let me say that I knew that back then; I turned him down two times because of it. But he was really persistent and so I thought that maybe we could make it after all. Now, 24 years later, we're facing the truth. We've had some really good times and some really really awful times.

I'm glad it's gonna be over. We're both happier. We aren't going to change our living situation. What might change is my relationship with Joe -- it might be over as well. You know what a roller coaster it has been for me, so you can probably understand my feeling of relief about this as well.

Low Blood Sugar again

Don knows.

So the truth all came out last night in a very quiet way. Don found out for sure (he's suspected for a while) that Joe and I are having an affair, and immediately found himself in the position of having to help his competitor.

Don had wondered where we were. He looked everywhere except Joe's bedroom, where we were having sex. Later he asked where we were and if we were having sex. I admitted to it.

At 1:30 a.m. Don woke me up to say that Joe was moaning, then went to the back porch where oddly enough Michaela was smoking a cigarette. I went downstairs to Joe's bedroom where I found him sitting on the floor at the foot of the bed, trying to speak but only able to make noises, very confused, and drenched with sweat, as soaked as if he'd fallen in the river. I administered with difficulty a vial of glucose gel. He's very strong and very heavy and it's hard to make him do something he doesn't want to do. He didn't want to take glucose, he wanted to test his blood sugar. I told him I had tested it and it was low. He understood. I gave him another vial which he took willingly. He got better. I made him take a third one mixed with juice. That third one was waaaaay too much. At 2:15 his sugar tested at 315. I changed his soaking wet sheets for dry ones then went to bed myself but couldn't sleep for a long time, knowing I had saved him only to kill him with ketones. I think I finally drifted off around 4:00 a.m.

Advice from Post Secret

"Free your secrets and become who you are." said Frank of Post Secret.

Thank you God, thank you Universe, thank you Divine Spirit, for this advice.

Don knows now. It's out in the open. He asked right out and I told him the truth.

What does the future hold? I don't know; but I do think it's important to be very very honest with myself and with both of them. If it all blows up then it blows up.

The importance of being mean

He responds well to me being mean. Sunday night we sat down to watch a movie together, just the two of us 'cause Don was too tired. J and I usually take the opportunity to cuddle but this time I rebuffed him strongly. We spent Monday together, it being a holiday, and he was very nice to me -- asked me if I still loved him in the morning, said he loved me, invited me to go with him to Boulder during the day, worried about me when I still wasn't home from Ft. Collins by 11:00p.m. We also talked a little about my concerns of being kicked out of bed for "doing it wrong." So now we're better.

I was doing it wrong

Kendall's double bed wouldn't fit in the car, so Joe very kindly drove it and me up to Ft. Collins. He was distant and closed the entire time. He doesn't like talking while driving, at least not to me. I imagine his other girlfriends chattered happily on and on.

I did manage to find out what went wrong last Saturday when he changed his mind about being intimate. Apparently I wasn't touching him right -- he had wanted me to focus on one area rather than massaging more widely as I was doing. He said I wasn't being receptive and he didn't want to have to keep pushing for it. Something like that. What a bunch of crock. He never said a word at the time, not even when I asked. Not receptive?!?! How dare he make that my fault. Fuck that shit. I need to be able to trust him. I can't be wondering if he's about to shut me out. Now I know for sure that if I make a misstep during sex he will. I'm not going to touch him ever again. It's not worth it.

I loved him so much. And it's only ever been painful.

Webkinz: Three Wishing Wells!

I got three wishing wells today in the Wishing Well 2 game. I was wondering if they ever let you get that. Note my score before the $1000 windfall -- not much.

Work is hard

I am doing an extremely poor job at work. It is taking me FOREVER to figure out a CSS solution for a site I'm working on -- hours and hours and hours longer than estimated.

I am not as weepy as I was yesterday. Also, I've decided not to go down to see Joe at night until he asks. I was politely asked to leave the last two times; I just don't feel like going three for three.

It's not healthy

to need him this much, want him this much, be so insecure about him, be so unhappy when things go wrong, to think about him day and night. It might be better to cut it off. The relationship used to make me happy but I'm not any more. I'm not a better person. My world hasn't opened up. It's closed.

People want to be heard. I don't ever get to be heard. Ever. Not when I was little, not now that I am big. I don't get to talk. I don't get to be listened to. That's the cross I have to bear; that and always being afraid.

Joe took me motorcycling on Thursday and sailing on Saturday. I usually feel like I can't hang out with him since I don't hang out with my husband, and why should my boyfriend get more than my husband does? But I realized this morning that my husband chooses and has always chosen to be away from me. He's always preferred to go to work on the weekends over doing something with me. He's always hated 'recreating.' He's always had something to say to his male friends but nothing to say to me. He used to talk on the phone to Glenn for half an hour at a time. These days he chats happily with Joe in the morning and chats happily with Joe again at night. So I'm going to stop feeling like I owe him something.

J and I had something of an anniversary on Saturday -- the second anniversary of our first time. We were going to celebrate with more intimacy but somehow it fell through at the last minute. More accurately: the last second. There I was in a lacy sheer black nightie but I did something wrong (no idea what; maybe I was too aggressive) and he decided he'd rather go to sleep instead so I had to leave.

I took Kendall up to Ft. Collins yesterday and installed her in her new apartment. She's got a sweet little one bedroom just a block from campus. Classes start today. I bought her a bunch of groceries. I hope she was warm enough last night. College textbook prices are a complete scam.

Life is so much better for me when I'm by myself, walking with my dogs by the creek while listening to my iPod and thinking about divine spirit and the oneness of all things. I'm not afraid when I'm by myself. I wish I wasn't such a loser at social situations.

I am so weepy and emotional right now. I must be getting my period.

Life Update

Rhiannon is going to Georgia to spend Labor Day with her husband. That ticket cost $800 bucks. They are still in their honeymoon period so you gotta spend that kinda money. I'd spend it to go see Joe, but then we're still in our honeymoon period too. Speaking of that, tomorrow is the second anniversary of when we first 'did it,' though we didn't become a couple till more than a year later.

Kendall starts at CSU next week. She's found a cute little place to stay in for only $350/mo. It's been a lot of fun having her and her boyfriend Xach around. I'll miss them when they are gone.

Michaela keeps to herself these days. I think we all exasperate her. Can't blame her there really. She's taking a couple classes at the local community college, but not really working toward a degree. She enjoys her job as a waitress and is getting pretty good at it.

Joe took me out motorcycling yesterday at lunch. We went up Coal Creek Canyon to Wondervue and had lunch at a little restaurant he knew up there. He knows this whole area really well, having studied topo maps and explored it all. We came back via the Gross Reservoir road; saw deer, almost hit a chipmunk, etc. The sky was so blue!

The positive side of negative emotions

Rev. Sky of Unity Church of Hawaii did an excellent sermon on the gifts we get from the so-called negative emotions. I'm happy to say that I knew the flip side already. It was wonderful to hear someone articulate them; it made me more aware.

The upside of anger is power. Which is why I've always loved my anger.
The upside of fear is affirmation of life and of self. You are worth protecting; your fear wants to do just that.
The upside of grief is awareness of the preciousness of the moment. When you are experiencing loss, you are made more keenly aware of how wonderful each moment had been.

So what's the positive side of jealousy? Maybe it's the way it encourages me to keep from putting all my eggs in one basket; to cultivate other relationships.

And what's the downside of love? Probably the way it makes you stupid.

I should stop cultivating love and start cultivating anger, fear and grief. And jealousy.

Doing the Work

Joe should not fall in love with anyone else.
Is this true? Yes
Can I know that this is true? Okay, it's true for me. Maybe not for him. He should do what's best for him.
How do I feel when I believe this thought? I feel awful about both the thought and the opposite thought.
Turn it around:
1. Joe should fall in love with someone else.
- If he needs to, he should.
2. I should fall in love with someone else.
- This thought gives me hope. It won't be the end of the world if he leaves me.
3. I should not fall in love with someone else.
- I can stay in unrequited love forever if I need to.

Jealousy, the green-eyed monster, rears its ugly head once again

Joe spent a large portion of Saturday with Erica and her kid again, just like he did last weekend, and just like last weekend I was jealous. It was much worse this time, though. Last weekend it was tough. This time it was huge, tremendous and overwhelming. I felt childish and small for feeling jealous again, but I'll tell ya, Saturday night was one of the worst nights of my life. I spent most of Sunday trying to cope with the feelings, which I did by 1) absenting myself from home, 2) meditating, breathing and listening to spiritual talks, and 3) spending time with Mary and her kids. These things helped. I didn't want to go to bed angry again, though, so I went down to see him after everyone had gone to bed. I said what I needed to say. "It hurts to love you, baby"; "Are you going to play Brady Bunch with Erica on the weekends now?"; "I wish you were mine." He reassured me yet again in a very intense and loving episode.

He's gone

Rhiannon's husband Zac has gone. He graduated from training at the beginning of this month. August 9th he left for his duty station. Rumor has it he'll be deployed to Iraq in February, to return in August. "What will he do there?" I asked. "Play video games like all the rest of the marines," said Rhiannon. So I guess he'll be okay. She's rattling around, not sure what to do with herself. I get to talk to her more, but I'm a poor substitute. Bless my baby, God.