FanFic Parody

A friend wrote this mockery of fan fic, to make fun of the idiots she runs into.

Starbringer59: i am liek hawt n standin in teh gardnn. hello i sayz ur hawt leggy wanna cybre plzkthx.
Mississippienne: Then Legolas slaps her, once and very hard. Then he walks away.
Starbringer59: leggy slpas me n i m rely sade n start cryin leggy why u slaped me n he cums back n hugs me n crys im so sorrie plz forgv me n i do.
Starbringer59: than leggy n i get maried n gangulf n teh elf kinge (sorre i forgit hiz nam) cum n tehy mak us teh king n quenn off teh hol midle earht.
Starbringer59: leggy n i rul good ovre teh land n we hav mane kidz. i have triplts harry pottre hermone potter n giny poter, n tehy grow up n nede r help 2 fite teh dark lorde voldimort n we fite him until he diez.
Starbringer59: kan u rate my fanfic?! plzkthx but dont rate if ur gona say bad stuf cuz ill droun my kiten iff u do.

Oh the Pain

Woke up this morning with muscles aching from my workout yesterday. I'm in week three of the Six-Week Fat to Muscle Makeover. (See book of that name on Amazon.) Week three adds a couple more weight routines. It's the arm one that killing me, weakling that I am.

The program is working great so far. I've been able to increase the weights almost every time I go, and even though I've cheated on the prescribed diet, I've lost four pounds. I'm back in my regular jeans (hooray!) and by the time I'm done I'll be back in my skinny jeans.

I saw a lady at the gym yesterday whose body was a bad example, a terrible warning of what my body could become -- is becoming -- if I don't get in shape. She was slender all over and even had a lovely small waist, but her ass was massive. It was completely out of proportion to the rest of her. She probably has a desk job just like I do. She sits all day, like I do, and any extra calories go straight to her hips.

The Julie/Julia Project

Julie Powell. A blogger has hit the big time. Totally cool and good for her! Her story: shel felt stuck in a nothing job with a life going nowhere, so she started cooking. She set herself the task of working through Julia Child's "The Art of French Cooking" in one year. That means she's making two or more recipes a day. That's a lot of kitchen time. She blogged about it, talked abou what it was like to kill a lobster and search for unusual ingredients. A loyal readership gathered round who encouraged her, bought her groceries, didn't let her give up. The story ended happily with a new book ("Julie and Julia") and a new career for her (she's now a food writer for I-don't-know-who). I'm proud of her.

The Julie/Julia Project

Hope

I'm not sure if my hope will ever see the blog.
But just knowing that it is out there makes me happy.
Someone read it on it's journey, someone saw.

A Christmas Present to Me from the Universe

In the morning, I went up to the rec center to work out. There was Joe's car in the parking lot. He and his little girl were there swimming. When they were leaving, all wet and bundled up, they stopped in the workout room to say hi. We chatted about nothing important. It was very nice to see him. I feel like it was a Christmas present to me from the Universe. I spent the day very happy and excited about life, because he has that effect on me -- everything's better when I hear his voice. That evening when my husband and I made love, I pretended it was him. I probably won't see him again for months. But ya know, I've had some nice times with him. I'll just have to remember those and be thankful. I've been out to dinner with him. I've sailed with him. We've been driving. I've kissed him. I've had him in my arms. So I've had what I want.

Thoughts on Heaven and Hell

We all go to the same place. What makes it heaven or hell is what we have inside us. Some of us carry heaven inside us, so every place is heaven. Some of us carry hell inside, so every place is hell.

It's like that old Chinese story. In hell, all the people are seated around a long dining table piled with delicious food. Each of them has six-foot-long chopsticks. They are all starving because the chopsticks are too long and they can’t eat. In Heaven, it is exactly the same: long table, tons of food, six-foot-long chopsticks, but everyone is well-fed and happy, because they are feeding each other.

I've been to hell, as you may recall. I spent many years there, as a matter of fact. Anger and resentment made my life hell. Time passed, the feelings gradually lessened, and afer a while I'd finally had enough of them so I completely let them go. I never want to go back to that way of being.

Lesson: what we must learn is how to make our lives here and now a heaven on earth. The virtues which do are well known -- and have been well known since before the Bible was written -- the foremost being love and forgiveness. If the Christian system gets you there, then good. If not (and it doesn't for everyone. For some, it's ruined their lives) then you must leave it behind and find something that does teach you how to create heaven here on earth.

Thoughts on the Bible as a Spiritual Guidebook

The Bible works where it encourages its followers to love and good works.

The Bible fails where it encourages hate, intolerance and fear. And yes, it most definitely encourages hate, intolerance and fear.

Where it describes a theological system, it is neutral. One's theological system doesn't matter so much except as it encourages happiness here on earth. Christians spend so much time arguing amongst themselves about the particulars of their theological system when really it doesn't matter one whit.

The Bible works where it teaches how to find happiness here on earth, and fails where it teaches otherwise.

Movie Review: Chronicles of Narnia - Lion, Witch, Wardrobe

The writers and directors did a great job of bringing the book to life. They were able to bring the story to the screen almost exactly as Lewis wrote it. There are small changes, but they enhance rather than detract. The important bits, like the death and resurrection of Aslan, are all there.

The children all did a fantastic job. Lucy is bright and plucky, Susan beautiful and valiant, Edmund deceitful then remorseful, and both he and Peter brave and handsome. Especially Peter. I'm totally in love with him, as I bet are all the females from 12 on up who've seen the movie. He does a fantastic job playing the oldest son trying to live up to the responsibility that is thrust upon him.

The show starts with a very exciting scene that explains why the four Pevensie children were on their own in a big country house -- in WWII, London children were evacuated to rural safety during the German bombing of their town. The scene where bombers fly over the Pevensie house is tremendously exciting, and obviously Peter learned something of war methods during the incident for he uses the strategy in his own battle.

The faun Tumnus was perfect. I'm in love with him second after Peter. The White Witch was not as I pictured. I did not care for her costume or make-up. Eyes and lips too pale, and why the strange ugly dress and the blonde dreadlocks? I thought of her as having skin white as snow, lips red as blood and hair as black as ebony, in no small part because that's how Lewis described her. Her character portrayal was spot-on, however. No complaints there. She was cold, cruel, proud, manipulative and a fantastic knife fighter, too. Very impressive.

I thought the Christian allegory was downplayed a little, which could be a good thing or a bad thing depending on your point of view. They certainly didn't hit us over the head with the fact that Aslan was the True King. I thought some important lines were left out, but my daughter Rhiannon tells me they worked them in in other places. Did I miss the Beavers saying, "He's the King of the wood, the son of the great Emperor-Over-Sea" or did they just not say it? How about Father Christmas saying, "Long live the true King!" And Lucy asking, "Is he safe?" with the Beaver's reply, "Safe? Of course he isn't safe, but he's good." And especially, "He's not a tame lion."

Aslan's death scene was very moving and intense, though less intense that it could have been. Lewis didn't mention blood, but surely an allegory of Christ's death isn't complete without it. Aslan should have been lying in a puddle of blood and it should have been dripping down the sides of the Stone Table. But maybe that would have tipped the movie into a PG-13 rating, which perhaps the movie should have had anyway. I don't recommend this movie for young children. It has scary battle sequences and frightening moments.

I'm happy to report that the movie has more action than the book. We get a good look at some of the things that Lewis mentions only briefly -- like the wolves going after the Beavers and the big final battle scene itself. There is a great scene of the children crossing the thawing river while pursued by the Witch's wolves -- not technically in the book but it fits right in, and we get to see Peter be heroic, too. Sadly, Peter's very first battle, him against the wolf captain, wasn't well portrayed. It was pathetic, as a matter of fact. Peter doesn't do anything but hold his sword out until the wolf jumps on it.

I could do more nitpicking, but I won't. Bottom line -- excellent character portrayals, exciting action, slight changes to the pure storyline that add rather than detract, Christian allegory downplayed but not omitted -- all in all it's a great story nicely told. And did I mention that I'm in love with Peter?

Christmas Party

David's employer took everyone out for Christmas dinner. It was so nice to see everyone again. I haven't seen them in years -- since they left David's shop to start their own. We met at Jamie's, chatted over wine and cheese, then went to an expensive French restaurant. I had a marvelous time. They all hugged me when I got there, and we all hugged again when we left.

Joan and I talked about our kids, of course. We both have three, and we were pregnant at about the same time with all of them. We talked about what it's been like all these years. It makes me think how important long-term relationships are. They make you feel stable and connected. I hardly have any long-term relationships. Because I don't do relationships. I don't know how. I am afraid, and I just don't care.

Many times I'm very happy by myself. But sometimes I get lonely. That's when I wish I were better at making and keeping friends.

Christmas Party

David's employer took everyone out for Christmas dinner. It was so nice to see everyone again. I haven't seen them in years -- since they left David's shop to start their own. We met at Jamie's, chatted over wine and cheese, then went to an expensive French restaurant. I had a marvelous time. They all hugged me when I got there, and we all hugged again when we left.

Joan and I talked about our kids, of course. We both have three, and we were pregnant at about the same time with all of them. We talked about what it's been like all these years. It makes me think how important long-term relationships are. They make you feel stable and connected. I hardly have any long-term relationships. Because I don't do relationships. I don't know how. I am afraid, and I just don't care.

Many times I'm very happy by myself. But sometimes I get lonely. That's when I wish I were better at making and keeping friends.

Affirmations

I am not afraid of people; I easily converse. I am not afraid of people; I easily converse. I am not afraid of people; I easily converse. I am not afraid of people; I easily converse.

Over and over I write this. and as I do, the pit of fear in my stomach grows. I AM afraid of people; I DON'T easily converse. I sit with the fear for a minute, feeling it, and as I do, it dissipates.

I am not afraid of people; I easily converse. I am not afraid of people; I easily converse. I am not afraid of people; I easily converse. I am not afraid of people; I easily converse.

The fear returns. The truth is, I am afraid of conversing, afraid of speaking, afraid of not having anything to say and looking foolish. It is a valid fear, but one can be resolved with some preparation. I know what to do -- discuss the news, remember a story about myself, share a joke. I CAN do it, but not off-the-cuff. I have to prepare.

I am not afraid of people; I easily converse. I am not afraid of people; I easily converse. I am not afraid of people; I easily converse.

Yes, maybe I can.

A Jeans Jacket with Black Velvet Sleeves

That's what I'm wearing today, with jeans and a white lowcut t-shirt. I look pretty damn good, which admittedly is easy when you're wearing what I'm wearing. There's not too much that's cooler than a jeans jacket with black velvet sleeves.

We're Walking to the End of the Beach

It was a busy family time down in Sarasota, but Don and I found time to walk on the beach on Siesta Key after the sun went down. One should always find time to walk on the beach. Our last night was wonderful -- hand in hand, on powdered sugar sand, a full moon overhead, pale clouds drifting by, the dark shape of a heron in the shallow water. We walked for an hour. It wasn't so much romantic as companionable in a very deep and intimate way. "We should walk to the end of the beach sometime," said Don, and I thought what an incredible metaphor that was. The beach is our life together. We're walking hand in hand, and we're committed together going all the way to the end. I haven't always wanted to do that, as a matter of fact for many years I've been waiting for the right time and place to leave this beach. Things have changed though; I no longer feel that way. Now I want to walk hand in hand with Don to the end of our beach.

A letter from a Marine who died in Iraq

Cpl. Jeffrey B. Starr, First Battalion of the Fifth Marine Regiment, died in a firefight in Ramadi on April 30, 2005, during his third tour in Iraq. He was 22. This letter was found on his laptop, to be delivered to his girlfriend in the case of his death.

"Obviously if you are reading this then I have died in Iraq. I kind of predicted this, that is why I'm writing this in November. A third time just seemed like I'm pushing my chances. I don't regret going, everybody dies but few get to do it for something as important as freedom. It may seem confusing why we are in Iraq, it's not to me. I'm here helping these people, so that they can live the way we live. Not have to worry about tyrants or vicious dictators. To do what they want with their lives. To me that is why I died. Others have died for my freedom, now this is my mark."

The Death of Pheasants

Boiled up three pheasants last night with the goal of making pheasant with dumplings. Don's friend Todd shot many many of them on a hunting trip and now we get the fruits of his labors, such as they are. As I cleaned them in the sink I thought about their deaths. It must have been pretty scary for them in that field that day, with all the yelling and tromping and gunshots. The shot drives their feathers into their flesh, pokes their bodies full of little holes and breaks their bones. One of the pheasant was shot at pretty close range. Its body was a mess -- not much left of the breast on the left side. This is what it means to be shot to hell, I guess. The chicken we buy in the store is so so clean. We even buy it deboned now, which removes us yet another step from the fact that this was a living creature. It's more obvious what you are eating when you have to pick the shot out, break its leg joint with your hands to get the claw off because the joint is too tough to cut through, and remove bits of lung tissue and heart. Life feeds on life, says Joseph Campbell. It's one of the mysteries of this life. I live because it died. Thank you, pheasant, for what you have given me.

They Love the Sound of Their Own Voices

I'm listening to a Stanford college lecture through iTunes called "Leading the Good Life: Lessons from the Greeks." It reminds me of one of the things I hated about college -- the long-winded professors. This guy's got one hour to get through his lecture. He's told us in his introduction that he's going to cover five important philosophies. He's still making the introduction, though, and it's 15 minutes into the lecture. He's told us what he's going to do immediately after the lecture. He's told us how important this lecture is going to be to us. He's told us how we all want to lead the good life. But he's only just beginning to get to the substance of the lecture. And to think I had to spend $600 per credit hour for this blather when I was an undergraduate.

My Own Little Shoplifter

Kendall turned 18 in April. In May, she was caught shoplifting. She had to pay $200 to the store, and she has a court date, too. (And since she doesn't have a job, it means that I had to pay $200 to the store. She promises to pay me back, but realistically, I don't think my chances are very good.)

From the Colorado Revised Statutes: "Concealment of goods is commonly referred to as 'shoplifting.' If a person conceals unpurchased goods owned by, held by, or offered by a store for sale, whether the concealment is on his/her body or somewhere else, he/she may be charged as having intended to commit the crime of theft (18-4-406). An adult or an emancipated minor who takes possession of any merchandise from any store without having paid for it will not only be responsible for paying the actual price of the item, but also a fine paid to the owner of the store for not less than $100 and no more than $250. The parents of any unemancipated minor will be responsible for paying not only for the stolen item, but also he fine to the owner of the store (13-21-107.5(2-3))."

Thrift Story Junkie

That's me. I love popping in to the neighborhood thrift store on my lunch break or after work to see if I can score a treasure. Everything's so affordable that I can indulge my urge to shop without running up huge bills. I can indulge clothing whims, too, quite affordably. One season I decided I was only going to wear skirts and so I did. The downside of all this is that I have a ton of clothes. My closet and dressers are bulging. Somehow a whole bunch of clothes spilled out of my closet yesterday and lay there in a huge pile. I wasn't sure how to get it back in so I put the pile on my bed. It will probably move back and forth from my floor to my bed to my floor for a few days until I finally have time to purge the closet and dresser and find room for it all.

The moon was beautiful this morning. It's full. It was almost directly ahead of Mel and me as we drove west into town. Behind us, the sun had just come up. The moon hung over the western mountain range for a few moments, looking huge and bright against the dark morning sky, then slipped away behind the mountains, moving so quickly we could see it sinking. Smaller, smaller, just a tiny bright sparkle, then gone.

Hurricane Katrina/George W. Bush

"Is there any problem in the world that is not Mr. Bush's fault, or have we reverted to a belief in a sort of witchcraft where we credit a mortal man with the ability to create terrifying storms and every other kind of ill wind?" -- Ben Stein

Dinner and a Movie

Don and I went to Joe's apartment for dinner -- tilapa, tortellini and homemade ice-cream -- and a movie -- Brazil. The three of us are starting to hang around together a little bit more, which is quite interesting. I was so in love with Joe a couple years ago, if you'll recall. Still am, a little, from afar. At one point in the evening, while the two of them were in the kitchen, I looked over from the couch and thought, "There are the two men that I love." Then Joe came into the front room and we smiled at each other, very sweetly. Back at home, Don said I looked so pretty that evening and said, "I wonder if Joe thinks I'm lucky."

"You are lucky," I said.

Yes, it is nice to be all together. I certainly hope that no one suggests a menage a trois. Yes, I still wish I had Joe in my arms, but I also think sex is sacred. I wouldn't want to go that far.