I Miss Him

I'm doing really good with my resolution not to call Joe or take any initiative to see him. As a result, I haven't seen him alone since our lunch date on Jan 2. He hasn't asked to see me, that's for sure. I occasionally see him when Don brings him to dinner or when he invites the two of us over. I'm calmer now -- life isn't so much of a roller-coaster ride -- but I do miss our private times together.

Best Horoscope Ever

"Today is an 8. A person you may have forgotten all about comes back into your life. He or she remembers you fondly and many adventures begin."

Totally cool! Just think, Aquarians everywhere will be meeting up with an old acquaintance today. I'll let you know how this works out for me.

Later: Nope, a no long forgotten friend came back into my life. Except Joe who I had given up on. He came over to dinner and later called me at work. Sheesh. He didn't ask to see me though so we aren't getting together. As said previously, we'll get together when he asks to get together.

PostSecret: If I had a million dollars...

One of the early PostSecrets was:

'If I had a million dollars I'd give it all away for one more day with her like it was in the beginning.'

There's only one thing I'd trade a million dollars for. If I had a million dollars I'd give it all away to get Joe a working pancreas.

Rhiannon's off to Camp Lejeune

I took Rhiannon to the airport today. She's off to the School of Infantry at Camp LeJeune to be trained in basic infantry. She wore her uniform -- I wish I could tell you which but I can't keep them straight. I only know it wasn't dress blues. What's it called when you're wearing green pants, green jacket and tan shirt?

Anyway, a lot of people flying coach were getting in the security check line for people flying first-class, Rhiannon included. It was an easy mistake to make. The security guard made a general announcement that all people flying coach needed to get in the other, longer, line. "Except you, honey," she told Rhiannon. "You stay here."

It's neat to see the respect she receives from airport and other personnel when she's wearing her uniform. America DOES support its troops, however we feel about the war itself.

Some quotes: Every Marine is, first and foremost, a Rifleman.

The Purpose of Life

Why is it so hard for me to figure out what life is all about? I want to know NOW so I can dedicate the rest of my life to it, whatever it is. I've thought about this question for most of my life. I'll be 47 in a few days. No more thinking. I want to know and act. So I'm the Hermit. I go on spiritual retreat to contemplate life's purpose. I don't have a ton of experience to draw from but I have some. From my experience, what would I say is life's purpose?

First Answer: It's unknowable. That is, we can't know for certain that there is something or someone out there defining our purpose. It's here that I always get stuck. I always find myself wondering and searching for revelation, for meaning outside myself when really it is not there.

Second Answer: Therefore, we must find the answer within. We define it ourselves. And when I consider all that I know of the universe, the living things and the non-living, I find myself in agreement with those who say, "The meaning of life is recursive. The meaning of life is to live."

I love Ayn Rand's thought that man is a heroic being, his own happiness is his moral purpose, productive achievement is his noblest activity and reason is his only absolute. I find that encouraging.

My PostSecrets

What would I put on a postcard and mail to PostSecret?
1. I am afraid of people.
2. When my kids were little I loved them to pieces. I loved being their mom. But when they became teens I knew they were now smart enough to see my faults and reject me. So I rejected them first.
3. I have never felt like I fit in anywhere. Not my friends, not my family, not anywhere.
4. I've always been sane about love. Until last year. Last year I met a guy for whom I would throw EVERYTHING away -- my husband, my kids, my house, my life -- if he would say, "Come with me." And it breaks my heart that he won't say it.

Why Don Likes Joe

You know why Don likes you so much? First, of course, you're easy to like.

Second, you're a bachelor. All his friends are bachelors. He totally prefers the single life -- no kids, no wife, no demands at all, just the game on a big-screen TV, a few beers, a little pot, and a male friend to watch with. What could be more perfect?

Third and most important, he senses that I like you. There's no way he's gonna let himself be jealous. He prefers not to feel those kinds of emotions. Instead he goes the opposite direction -- he tries to be your best friend. He's working his ass off to be your best friend. He's all over you 100% of the time. There's no room for me at all. And what hurts is that you are totally fine with that.

So, I'm officially throwing in the towel; I withdraw my application; I forfeit the game. Team Charity is walking off the field. Score: Don 1, Joe 1, Charity 0. So I won't be over for TV and UpWords anymore, and if Don asks you in for dinner, I'd appreciate it if you would have something to get done at home before he comes over for the evening.

Don and Joe, Best Friends Forever.

I wonder if he ever thinks about me

This is a self-answering question. If you ever have to ask that question of yourself about a guy you are supposedly seeing, the answer is NO!!!!!

White Light Meditation

Just get quiet, sit and meditate on the concept of being surrounded by a fourth dimensional protective aura, and meditate on the concept that you have a divine birthright to health, wealth and happiness, to friendship, confidence and success.

Here on an autumn night

Here on an autumn night in the sweet orchard smell,
Sitting in a pile of leaves under the starry sky,
Oh what stories we could tell
With this starlight to tell them by.

October night, and you, and paradise,
So lovely and so full of grace,
Above your head, the universe has hung its lights,
And I reach out my hand to touch your face.

I believe in impulse, in all that is green,
Believe in the foolish vision that comes true,
Believe that all that is essential is unseen,
And for this lifetime I believe in you.

All of the lovers and the love they made:
Nothing that was between them was a mistake.
All that we did for love's sake,
Is not wasted and will never fade.

All who have loved shall be forever young
And walk in grandeur on a cool fall night
Along the avenue,
They live in every song that is ever sung,
In every painting of pure light,
In every pas de deux.

Oh love that shines in every star
And love reflected in the silver moon.
It is not here, but it's not far.
Not yet, but it will be here soon.

Garrison Keillor 1998

Too Easy for Him

Lunch today. Fairly nice all around, with some unhappy bits. Nice: touching his body with hands and mouth, talking, the good-bye kiss he gave me. Unhappy: I screwed up the food so he went w/o and was insulted when he mocked me about passion. I think he mocked me. I honestly can't be sure of things any more; I'm way over-sensitive when it comes to him.

I do think I'm making this too easy for him. It's time for another shot at leaving him alone. Resolution for this week: If he wants to see me, he can ask me.

Rhiannon's Poem

If you die, I will not dwell,
I'll send my angels straight to hell.
They'll find you with the demons there
and bring you up to heaven's air,

and they'll guard you then, you see,
to keep you for me saf-e-ly.
Then later, when I'm tucked in bed
I'll often think of what you said,

of how I'd cry myself to sleep--
Oh, I am certain I will weep.
But with whispers and with one last kiss
you'll tell me that I shouldn't miss

you, for you're waiting there for me;
and so all things end happily.

Bored/Blizzard

Don and I are back from an evening at Joe's of UpWords and T.V. I'm sick of going over there with Don to play UpWords and watch T.V. I'm bored to death of these evenings. Surreptitous smiles are okay but they aren't much. This whole thing is ridiculous. Here I am taking what little scraps I can get -- a smile here, an hour there. I hate it. It's pointless, it's stupid, it's not even a relationship.

We're digging out from the Blizzard of 2006, as they are calling it. God dumped a bunch of snow on us Wednesday. It's tons of fun to be out playing in it, not so much fun to drive in. Joe's van did fantastic. After they got home yesterday, the guys took me for a ride around the neighborhood in it. It blasted through the snow like a tank.

This is why I let myself love him

Another turning point; a fork stuck in the road. Time grabs you by the wrist; directs you where to go. So make the best of this test and don't ask why. It's not a question but a lesson learned in time. It's something unpredictable but in the end it's right. I hope you had the time of your life.

So take the photographs and still frames in your mind. Hang it on a shelf In good health and good time. Tattoos of memories and dead skin on trial. For what it's worth, it was worth all the while. -Green Day

At night I look up at the stars and I think about all they've seen, whirling away above our heads for thousands and thousands of years. Does it matter, stars, if one girl loves someone not her husband? I wouldn't have done it when the kids were small; I wouldn't have destroyed the family in that way. Don destroyed us but I kept us together. I love Joe because life is short. I love Joe because this love is worth this pain.

Roller Coaster Ride

Lunch at his shop today. Wonderful as usual. Culmination this time, though as usual it took some doing. I feel really full emotionally and it's kind of hard to talk about it, maybe because I've talked about it all so much already. I'm really up or I'm really down; it's a never-ending rollercoaster ride. An exciting rollercoaster ride, which I suppose is why I stay on.

I told him about Jamie flirting with me at the Christmas party. He admitted to jealousy. I told him about being worried I was pregnant. He said he'd be okay with a baby on the way. I'm happy with his responses. Maybe his heart is in it. Maybe he's coming around.

Conversation

He called. I answered. It was a very disappointing phone call. He didn't give me an opening to say my piece, which was "I'm going to do us both a favor and say no. It's been a lot of fun, but it's obvious that your heart just isn't in this." He did say that he couldn't talk to me about anything. I'm probably too naive and unsophisticated in the ways of the world. In other words, I don't know too much about society's dark underbelly -- drugs, cheap sex, fast thrills, what to say and what not to say about these things.

Period

It has come. Right on time. Exactly as scheduled. And what was so weird was that I was sure I was pregnant.

Unhappy

So Wednesday night, I met Don and Joe for UpWords at Joe's place. Don was in the easy chair when I arrived, Joe on the couch. I sat next to him on the couch. Shortly thereafter, when Don got up for a drink, Joe moved to the easy chair. He didn't even say anything. I was shocked and offended and furious. I didn't look at him the rest of visit. I'm still upset. Let's let this whole damn thing be over. Please.

Happy

I tend to mope around because I don't see or talk to Joe as much as I would like to. I decided I should mark on the calendar the times I do see him, because otherwise I forget, and I begin thinking I NEVER see him when actually I do. Turns out I've seen him a whole lot these last two weeks, many times with Don but plenty of times alone, too. So there, things aren't so bad.

I got to be with him for a couple hours Monday. He invited both of us over to watch the game. D was unable to go, being not at home, but said I could go over by myself, bless his trusting little heart. J and I didn't do anything too risky, just made out and talked and got to be together.

I dreamed last night I had a baby boy. He was tiny--I could hold him in one hand--and he had a cut on his temple. If I do have a child, which is doubtful, I would want it to be a boy and would want it to have his last name.

Lovely Weekend

Friday afternoon I went to his shop for some snuggle time. It was very cold so he hooked up a heater for the van then we got naked under a small soft blankie. No culmination as the little soldier no longer functions properly. Friday evening he came to dinner at our house then we went to his for TV and UpWords. I knit and play with the cat and glance at him surreptitously.

Saturday morning at 5:30 a.m. Rhiannon called from South Carolina. We got to talk for five minutes. It seems like a dream. She gets another five minute call at Christmas. D was out all day. I bustled about with domestic tasks then watched Tristan and Isolde by myself. Very much enjoyed it.

Sunday morning D and I met for our standing date in my bedroom. We had just finished when J and his little girl popped over to borrow milk. It was 9:30. "I thought you two were early risers," I heard him say. He invited us to breakfast at his place. Half an hour later we were chowing down on pancakes, sausages, eggs, juice and coffee. It was very cheery with the sunshine pouring in the window, the Disney channel on the TV and us grownups perusing the morning paper. When breakfast was all over, Lauren and I came to my house to play with my McDonald's Happy Meal Barbie set. In the afternoon I ice-skated. My skating continues to improve albeit slowly. In the evening D went to J's to watch the game. I apparently was not invited which is too bad because I had intended to turn down the invitation, as I was feeling jealous and grumpy, but you can't turn down an invitation that you don't receive. Instead, I worked on Kendall's Xmas present (a Gryffindor scarf), wrote to Rhiannon, visited with Michaela and with Kendall, who popped home to get the car. Kendall was sweet. She said she wished she could stay longer but had to go pick up her boyfriend. We hugged and said, "I love you" when she left.