Don Wants a Divorce

Twenty-three years is about to come to an end. He's right about all of it -- we don't work together well; I don't respect him and he doesn't respect me; we don't have the same goals; on and on and on. Can this marriage be saved? Should we even bother? We just barely tolerate each other some days.

I'm glad the words have been said. It's silly to live a lie. I don't want him blaming me, though. He's the one who smashed the relationship to bits with his little rock hammer. It's been coming back together very slowly. For a long long time I didn't care one bit if it ever came back together at all. For a long time I was just hanging in there until Michaela graduated from high school; then I was going to be out the door.

It's gotten a lot better since then. We've had good times together. Now I find I do care. It will be hard to say good-bye.

Our New Roommate

When Joe was hospitalized with Diabetic Ketoacidosis, Don, knowing the hospital bills would be enormous, invited him to come live with us as a way to save money. Joe's decided to take him up on it. He'll be moving in at the end of September. Now THERE'S an unexpected twist for you. And this in spite of the fact that I keep telling Don that I have strong feelings for Joe.

So much for my numerous vows to never see him again. I'll be seeing him every day! This is all so ironic that it makes me laugh. I'm kinda excited. I feel like I'm getting married. Without the sex. There will be lots of fun and companionship, but I'm pretty sure there isn't going to be any more sex. We'll get to be friends and I'll finally stop being so tongue-tied and self-conscious and stupid when I'm around him.

Six Colors

About a year ago I decided to limit my fashion palate to six colors: black, red, white, gray, beige/khaki and blue jeans. This self-enforced limitation has been a lot of fun. I've become alot more aware of fashion and style. And it's easier to pack, too, when I'm off on a trip. Everything combines in some way with everything else. And because wearing a single color almost always looks very classy (especially when that color is red or black), I always have a way to look simple yet elegant. Today I've got on black pants, a beige T, a red shirt with rolled up sleeves and a multi-colored scarf.

The Weekend!

Labor Day Weekend! I took Friday off so I could have four lovely days of freedom. Friday I got a lot of little things done around the house, then went thrift-store shopping, and finally went to hear Don's friend Jack jam with his band. Saturday it was off to the flying field to take pics of the flyers. I talked to a lot of the folks I had taken pictures of last time, and met a lot of new folks. Saturday evening D and I had dinner and played UpWords at Joe's. I took some movies to watch but J didn't like any of them. He's so damn picky. I'm sick of it. I didn't look at him the entire night. Sunday I worked on my art lessons (Mommy It's a Renoir). These simple cards are opening up a whole new world for me -- the world of the schools of art. A hillside covered with houses makes me think Cubism. A wide-open vista stretching before me to the distant mountains is Hudson River. A field with sunflowers and farmhouses calls to mind Impressionism. Don was home all day which really irritated me. I wish he had left me alone so many years ago. I wouldn't do this all again, no way. So Sunday I avoided him as much as possible. He spent the day sleeping and watching TV -- just like the old days. Monday it was dog park, computer work, thrift-store shopping again, Teller Lake Trail again, and babysitting Sara and Julia. Don went to Joe's.

Charity's Laws for a Life Well Lived

No fear, no self-doubt: Act "as if." Self-confidence and self-assurance are what it's all about. Do whatever you need to develop these qualities.

Awareness: Be aware of what's going on within you and around you in nature, in the world, and in the lives of others.

Authenticity: Drop the mask. Speak the truth. You are no one if you are not yourself.

Industry: Get things done. Work hard at it! Throw yourself 100 percent into whatever you're doing. And stick to it! Talent grows with practice. Be disciplined in doing what you've chosen to do.

Excitement: Make all of life an adventure. If things are dull, make something happen.

Connection: Love the one you're with. Tremendously. Passionately. Truly. Madly. Deeply. It feels good to love. But if that's too much, then make a connection. Collect somebody.

Mastery: Pay your dues. Master a few things. Your choice, but do get good at them.

Habits: Have good habits. Then you won't always have to remind yourself. You'll do those boring little things automatically -- use sunscreen; eat salads and veggies; get enough sleep; exercise; drink water; save 10 percent; don't smoke -- those little things that over the long haul keep you healthy and happy.

Contribute: Be a contributor to the group. Be a worthwhile and worthy group member. Have something to say, a game to play, an idea to keep things moving.

Challenge: Always take the challenge to do something difficult. Stretch yourself. "We choose to do these things, not because they are easy, but because they are hard."

Insight, Learning and Discovery: Think. And learn. And make discoveries. And be curious about the world around you.

Joie de Vivre: Make life joyful. Let the simple things thrill you.

Forgiveness: Adversity is a gift.

A Good Life

- enjoying every moment
- surrounding yourself with beauty
- meaningful work
- enough money to pay the bills
- occasional days of excitement
- having people that you love
- being really good at something

Plus Charity's Laws for a Life Well Lived.

Love Poems

In complete disregard of my resolution to never see him again, I spent most of Saturday in Joe's company. Saturday was the family's annual Summer Birthdays Celebration at Broomfield Bay water park. I extended an invitation when I saw him on Friday with D but didn’t really expect him to show. Surprise surprise he did, and he even brought a present for the summer birthday kids! We spent several hours together there. And after THAT, he took D and me up to the mountains in search of a little ghost town he had heard of. And then we went to a restaurant, and then to his place for UpWords. One of my plays was LOVE/POEM. That prompted him to get his book of Love Poems out for me, which tome I mentioned earlier in this blog. I spent the evening perusing it. Nothing struck me, except the fact that the old love poems are wordy and overblown. I prefer the love songs of today, like Nazareth's "Love Hurts" and Willie Nelson's "Blue Eyes Crying in the Rain" (love is like a dying ember, only memories remain). On Sunday he brought his daughter over to play with my nieces. I'm doing amazingly well considering the amount of interaction we had. There's no agony; he's gentle on my mind.

The Olde Town Pickin' Parlor

I just had pretty close to the best night of my life. Top ten, anyway. I spent the evening at the Olde Town Pickin' Parlor in Arvada, Colorado, listening to folk, bluegrass and old-time western music.

There were an amazing variety of stringed instruments, some of which I'd never seen before; excellent music; top quality vocalists; etc etc. This particular event was a fund-raiser for one of their own, and many artists donated their skills. I loved them all. Jon Chandler was fantastic. Mary Huckins had me crying through most of her songs. The place was pretty packed when I got there but I managed to score a very good seat on the end of the second row where I had a very good view.

For the final song, all the musicians squeezed up on stage; audience and artists all raised our hands to heaven and sang a long and rousing rendition of "Let the Circle Be Unbroken." The whole thing was a ton of fun and a fantastic evening.

Thoughts on the Subject

1. He acted like he wanted me. He said he wanted a relationship. He acted all affectionate. Then he disappeared for weeks. He never ever said he changed his mind. He just left me wondering.
2. He's manipulative.
3. He doesn't want to talk to me.
4. He doesn't need to see me.
5. He said he couldn't afford to extend any emotional energy to me. And he didn't.
6. I said "There's never a two-of-us." He said "I don't know what to say."
7. I used him as much as he used me. I wanted excitement.

A Love Poem

I fell in love with someone.
I kept waiting and hoping and waiting and hoping that he would love me too.
It hurt so much!
So yesterday I asked him, "Will you ever love me too?"
He said no, he never would.
But I don't believe him.
So I keep waiting and hoping and waiting and hoping that he will love me too.
It hurts so much!
But I really want it to be true.

Hospitalized

He took himself to Urgent Care on Tuesday because he was still vomiting and hiccupping. They failed to pinpoint the problem and released him. I took him back on Wednesday. They still couldn't figure out the problem so they sent him to the hospital in an ambulance. I stayed at his bedside all day, first in the ICU and later in the hospital room. It was Diabetic Ketoacidosis, which before the discovery of insulin killed 100% of its victims. Nowadays it's just 2%. The hiccups were part of the body's attempt to excrete poisons through the respiratory system. They were so bad that at times he couldn't breathe. The hospital gave him drugs to ease the hiccups and put him on an IV to stabilize blood chemistry. On Thursday he was much better. On Friday they released him. I stayed with him all day Wednesday, most of the day Thursday, and most of the day Friday as well -- three very special days for me which I will always treasure.

More Disenchantment; plus I'm an idiot

I called him today to thank him for watching our house while we were gone. He sounded happy to hear from me but the conversation quickly degenerated from there. He told me the girl at the kennel was good-looking. He dissed everything I had to say about hiccup cures, and not gently either. He criticized my daughter's friend and the way he stays over at our house; said D and I have some serious boundary issues there. I hung up vowing yet again to stop seeing him. All the way home I pep-talked myself about not seeing him again. Then there he was in his red Saab, turning onto our street at the same time as me. He pulled over, I pulled up next to him, he said he felt awful and would I come over and nurse him. Sure, I said, while thinking "What am I doing? Why can't I just cut this off?" He really did feel awful, even threw up several times while I was there. We squeezed in some sex in between dashes to the bathroom. Do you think he's just using me? (said sarcastically). I've mentioned before that he doesn't work very hard at this relationship. I am acting like a silly, stupid and inexperienced young girl willing to throw away everything for some worthless guy. I see myself doing it and yet I can't stop.

Remember

That he doesn't ever think of me. That he doesn't ever call me. That he promised to call Friday if it was slow but forgot to. That I called twice for lunch dates but he was too busy. That he said he'd take me riding but forgot. That he knew we both had Saturday free--he mentioned on Thursday that the two of us should do something--but come Saturday he took off by himself all day instead. That I didn't hear from him at all in January or February or March.

Questions

For J: Your body has told you flat out, and plain as plain, that it does not want to deal with sweet things anymore. It even destroyed its own sugar-handling ability so that it would not have to. Yet you continue to shovel the sugar in. Why don't you listen to your body?

For J: Movies and TV and drinking are all ways of getting out of your own head, of not listening to the stuff that's going on in there. How come you hate your own thoughts so much?

For J, on saying he'll call: You've been telling me that lie for the last seven years. Do me a favor -- never, ever, let those words come out of your mouth again. I always believe you, and I always end up disappointed.

For me: How do I move past something that I've wanted so much for so long? How do I get out of the habit of thinking of him?

It's over. And I really mean it this time.

It's just too painful. I'm finally going to admit to myself that I will never have what I want out of him, and I'm calling it quits. He probably won't notice. It's not like I ever see him. It's not like I ever talk to him. This is more for my own sanity than anything. All I can do is this: I can stop hanging out with him and Don. That's what I did this past weekend -- When Don went to his place on Saturday to watch a movie, and had him to dinner on Sunday, I made myself scarce. I'm moving on. I feel so much better now.

Too painful

After I wrote that last post about him we had a very sweet time together. Actually we've had two alone times since then. And I see him almost every day but always in the company of my husband. He rarely asks to see me alone. I need to see him and it hurts when I don't. Yesterday he said we could go motorcycling today but he hasn't called to schedule. It's really really painful for me, all this waiting, all this hoping. I'd rather it were over.

Rhiannon called yesterday from her marine training camp in Monterey. She's connected at the hip to her boyfriend, apparently. He's always there in the background. They seem to have an excellent relationship. I can't talk to her though with him always there. I can only do light silly surface talk.

I'm feeling really blue today.

Bob's Leaving

He came to work here August 2004. We had a wonderful time, him and me and Mike. I bet everyone else on the floor was a little jealous of the fun we had, of the laughter bursting out of the office we three shared. I am going to miss him very much.

Hi Charity, Will you be at the Southern Sun later? Otherwise, I just wanted you to know that I had a lot of fun working with you, and I'll miss working with you. -Bob

Gotta Let it Go

It just isn't working out. He threw my feather in the trash. He didn't even ask why I brought it or why I wanted him to see it. He gets irritated if I do something he doesn't like. I still can't talk to him. I feel stupid around him. It just isn't working out.

Over - Again

I'm going to try again to have it be over. We're just not progressing. He has too many issues -- big issues in the male psyche, ones that render him ineligible to be in a relationship. They don't matter to me that much but I'm not making the decision here. What matters to me is that he doesn't call; doesn't try; doesn't seem to care if he sees me or not. I can't hang on any longer. It is no longer helpful. Now it just hurts.

Sailing

I went sailing with Joe and his kid Lauren on Saturday. We went to Union Reservoir, a little reservoir up in Longmont. It's not nearly as pretty or as large as Boulder Reservoir. It was kinda crowded but apparently gets even more crowded as the summer wears on. I had a nice time and didn't get burned – always a plus. I used to want to learn to sail due to the influence of a couple kids' books on the subject (Swallows and Amazons; We Didn't Mean to Go to Sea; Treasure Island -- all highly recommended BTW). I even took lessons a couple of summers ago (as faithful readers of this blog know) and mainly learned that with sail you have no control over your power source. You only manage it as best you can. At Boulder Rez the wind varies tremendously; sometimes there's almost nothing then it suddenly kicks up to be more than a beginner can handle. That was just too scary for me. I don't want to captain a vessel anymore. Being first mate or just able bodied seaman will do for me.

We had some nice private time in the evening, too. Don had gone to a friend's to watch Game 2 of the Stanley Cup, so when Joe called there was just me. I went over; we cuddled and played UpWords; very nice.

It's funny how people are -- we've gotten naked together, but he's still not really comfortable enough with me to fart in front of me. He said so. And I'm not comfortable enough with him to discuss the minutia of my day.