I cry after yoga class

I've been doing yoga on my own out of a book for more than a year, 15 minutes of work twice a day. A few months ago I joined a real yoga class and am noticing something -- after an hour of work I get fairly emotional. I find myself crying at the end of class.

I'm So Sleepy

Shortly after I got up Saturday morning I went back to bed. I slept most of Saturday, Sunday and Monday. It's Tuesday now. I'm at work but I wish I were sleeping. Nothing's wrong except that I'm sooooo tired. Joe has made some good guesses: maybe I'm pregnant, or maybe I'm depressed. Being pregnant would be the stupidest thing I could possibly do, but I'd be happy anyway. Being depressed is more likely. I AM sad. I'm sad that I'm not married to Joe. That sadness is pervading my entire view of my world and my life. It all seems pointless. I've got nothing to work on and nowhere to go. Life seems bleak and dull again, just like it was when I didn't have him at all. I had to learn to be happy then and maybe I can learn to be happy now.

Please come to a white paging telephone

Daniel Michael Miller II, 24, of Akron, Ohio, had his name legally changed to "The" Dan Miller Experience. His first name is "The" Dan (note the quotation marks please). Mr. Experience, a musician and rapper, says, "I like to do little things in my life that amuse me. This amuses me."

"What would you be?" I asked my boyfriend. He'd be Jimbo's Wild Ride. And I'd be Catherine St. Catherine. Maybe it's our tremendous differences that are what we like about each other. I wouldn't want him to be Joseph St. Joseph, that's for sure. And yet weirdly, deep down we are the same, in a way I can't explain, in a way that Don and I have never been.

American Gladiator

Joe is very happy that American Gladiator is back on after a many-year hiatus.
"You'll watch it with me?" he asked, and I promised I would, not realizing that he would be exclaiming over the fine bodies of the women gladiators. It was a little hard to take. Don has never ever done that so it was a new experience for me. After half an hour I took my knitting upstairs and watched "The Devil Wears Prada" instead.
I had a good think about it and came to some conclusions:
1) When you are in a relationship you can't be doing things that really bother your partner. You give up some freedoms for the pleasure of congenial chats, home-cooking, late-night massages and frequent sex.
2) Goggling other women is a deal-breaker for me. I can't be with a guy who comments on the hotness of other girls while I'm standing next to him.
3) It's wrong to be mad at him without telling him why.
Thankfully we had some time together later. "I just can't watch you salivate over other girls," I said as we settled in on the couch to cuddle.
"They are so hot," he said, "and it would be pretty fine to have them do that to me."
What an idiot. I immediately got up, went upstairs and went to bed.
Next morning he apologized. "I'm sorry, doll," he said. And "This is kind of like being married" and "I think you don't know how hot you are."
He pegged that, didn't he? I was upset because of my insecurities. But hey, I may have a good figure but it's nowhere as good as the female gladiators.

Staying Busy

It is SO NICE to be busy. It gives me a break from thinking about him. He was not in my thoughts for two whole hours just now. Whew!

Christmas plans are whirring up. With just a few days to go I'm finally getting in the mood to buy things and to make sure everyone has something fun to unwrap.

I was nervous yesterday, even fearful, about seeing him after his big admission, so I breathed into the feeling until it dissipated. "Breathing into" whatever I am feeling has been a huge huge help. I'm learning to just be.

"Me too you" I said this morning when he said "love you."

He Said It

We finished Brokeback Mountain last night. It's a movie about us -- obsessive love that can't come out in the open. Neither of us said that but I think we both noticed it. Then I rubbed his back till he fell asleep. Next morning we chatted about the characters, me sitting sleepily in the arm chair by the front door, him putting his boots on. Then "Bye," he said, "I love you." "Whaaaat?" I said in an incredulous tone. So he came over and said it again.

And then he left.

An Excellent Weekend

I was a little moody as the weekend approached, thinking about how he disappeared for three months this time last year, so I thought I'd just stay away from him as much as possible. Friday night was good: I worked on financial matters, then Rhiannon called. We chatted for quite a long time which forced me to stick to my resolution. On Saturday I got a lot done both around the house and on errands -- it was beautiful outside with the sun shining on the snow. I was gone so long that I felt contrite when I returned so I sought him out. We spent some nice time together in the late afternoon, talking while I rubbed his back. Saturday night Don and I went to Don's company Christmas party. I love going to those! I've known those folks for 15-20 years and it is so nice to catch up with them. I was anxious to see Joe again on our return, and he apparently felt the same way. He came up to see me after Don hit the hay and we stayed up till 1:30 a.m. talking and cuddling in the guest room. On Sunday my nieces and I decorated Grandpa's Christmas tree. Back at home, Joe made dinner then he and I played Scrabble and watched part of Brokeback Mountain.

I Love You

He mouthed this last week when I was touching him with my very cold hands. And yesterday he almost gave me the American Sign Language signal for "I Love You" -- though he came to his senses at the last minute and changed his fingers.

I'm angry. Why is it taking so long to say? And why now? Why not last August? Why not last year? Remember this time last year: In November I thought I was pregnant; in December I told him I loved him; in January he disappeared for three months.

I'm angry at myself for being such a wuss and for spending so much time loving someone who hasn't loved back.

Pet Names for My Lover

I've been musing over a loverly name for my new boyfriend. Don and I call each other 'darling' except when we're angry; then we use first names. Joe calls me 'sweetheart' or by my first name, which I really like. I like using his first name, too, except that it's so short. The syllable is over before it's even begun. He likes it when I call him 'Boy' so I'll use that, plus add miscellaneous syllables to his name stretch it out and add meaning: J-boy, J-beau, J-dear, J-daddy. And the occasional 'sweetie pie' and 'sweetheart.'

Something to Say

For the past 47 years I have not had anyone to discuss my day with -- not when I was a child, not when I was married. But now I do! Now I have to remember funny stories from my day, things I thought about, and snippets of news articles I read. I'm not at all used to it, but it makes a nice change. Today I'll talk about the student who writes for our web publication. He's a senior and an English major but that doesn't mean he can write -- journalism is significantly different than creative writing. And there's that couple in Croatia who painted their house white with black spots as a memorial to their beloved Dalmatian who was hit by car. And police are looking for a "Cinderella burglar" -- he left his shoe behind as he made his escape. It's nice to have someone at home who wants to make light conversation. Don has been absorbed in his own concerns for so many years that I just don't think of him as being available.

Offroad Adventures

J wants to buy a new truck, a Suzuki Sidekick that he can take off-roading.

I'm really upset about it because that vehicle is a concrete symbol that he's not mine, that before we met he had an exciting and adventurous life and that he continues to do exciting things that I can't be part of. The only time he's gonna use that car is when he goes camping with his ex and their daughter. I am never going to be able to go off-roading with him. Yes, I'm jealous. I'm jealous of every girl he's ever had, jealous of every adventure he's ever gone on, jealous of everything he's ever done or is going to do without me.

So you see I have become the crazy girlfriend.

On the upside, he looks at me with intensity and says nice things to me.

Appreciation

"Ciao, bella" he said before he left the house, and he asked for his good-bye hug. Apparently he's felt the strain in the relationship; it bothered him enough to make him call after he got to work, to say how much he appreciates me, and thank me for the hug, and ask if there was anything he needed to do differently. I told him part of the truth: that I enjoyed having him around and wouldn't want to change that. It's true--I wouldn't want him to leave even though it is difficult at times. I haven't changed my resolution to keep him at arm's length, though. I intend to try yet again to live by the tenets of "The Technique of the Love Affair." I still need peace; I still want my life back.

Later: back at home, I said, "Tell me again what you called to tell me." He said, "I called to tell you I love you very much." "Seriously...," I said. He started to come over and we would have had a very special moment except the window shades were all open and we might have been interrupted.

A Happy Day At Last

Today turned out to be a good day. I managed to get out of the house w/o giving Joe the customary hug, so that was good. I was mopey and weepy all morning as I reflected on how every conversation about 'us' ends the same: he says he has no feelings for me. I've been obsessed with him for seven years. I'm ready to admit that it's all been wasted. I'm ready to have my life back. My mood improved tremendously in the afternoon by virtue of some very enjoyable conversations with co-workers (Bryan and I were laughing so hard!) and some excellent productive work in a few web sites I'm working on (my jQuery work is coming along nicely). I love this job. Oh, and Michaela called to invite me to spend money on her. We're going shopping on Saturday. It's great to be a mom!

Disheartening

Always and forever will be.

"I had the odd sensation this morning of feeling like I was being unfaithful."
"I wish you wouldn't. I have a warm feeling about you two. Do you wish I felt more possessive? I am like Buddha, practicing non-attachment."

So now there's a hollow space.
I'm breathing into it and letting it be.

Yes I wish he felt more possessive. After all that giggling together, too, and reading the paper together, and massage, and hugs, and snuggles, and smiling at me, and coming up to see what I was doing, and "How did you get to be so sweet?" -- after all that he tells me he's "non-attached."

A Golden Cloud of Happiness

I'm floating on a golden cloud. I went to Joe's for cuddle time yesterday. He invited me. It wasn't just cuddling though -- you could crudely call it a booty call. It was wonderful nevertheless and an excellent display of manliness. We're both really happy.

K.D. Lang

is fantastic! I've got her on my iPod with headphones. Somehow, having her crooning directly into my ears is really bringing out her incredible voice. I wish I could sing like her.

It's not really so bad

I spent Thursday and Friday and Saturday crying my eyes out because Don and Joe are so happy together and there isn't any room for me. It was an over-reaction on my part as all of my excessively emotional reactions have been. I should be aware of that by now -- crying means I'm over-reacting. Things look much better now, much more sunny. I've had some nice private time with both of them, and nice together time too. Last week Joe invited me on a motorcycle ride. Thankfully I had something else to do. I was much too emotional last week and it would not have been a good time to see him. I'm feeling much happier and more confident this week, and happily he extended the invitation again. It's beautiful outside - the aspens are turning gold, the leaves swirl down in the breeze. I shut my eyes to better feel the wind rushing past, the bike rumbling beneath us, his body in front of me, and thought how nice it was to be with someone so good at this. He braked suddenly but smoothly and I saw a buck deer crossing in front of us. See, that's just what I'm talking about, I thought. After our ride we went in the van for some cuddling. Thus I got to be in his arms again. The last time was in July, right before the hospitalization incident.

Things to do after hours

There are all kinds of things I can do to occupy myself between 5:00 and 7:30.

• See a movie
• Go shopping
• Go hiking
• Walk on Pearl Street Mall
• Go to Borders bookstore like Rhiannon and I used to do
• Stay in the office and work on my training
• Conduct art research at the college library
• Work on my art project here in the office
• Work on my photo blog
• Wander about the campus
• Attend campus events
• Cultivate a life on-line, esp. keeping up with long-distance friends and the JCMG which I have long neglected

I'm homeless now. I've nowhere to go. I have to make the city my home, the way I learned to in New York, and concentrate more on friends and career, both fairly neglected.

Home isn't home any more

Don is totally ga-ga over Joe. Don is so happy now. He whistles around the house. He spends long periods of time smoking, laughing, and shooting the breeze with Joe. Don used to leave for work promptly each morning and pick up coffee on the way; now he makes a pot at home and hangs around drinking it and talking things over with Joe. Having J around just makes it more obvious how little D and I have in common, how little we have to say to each other. The dog is crazy about J as well. I find it impossible to maintain a happy light-hearted mood so I've decided to just stay away. I've been rushing home after work to cook dinner and then clean up. That's just silly.

The Technique of the Love Affair

I am reading the most incredible book -- "The Technique of the Love Affair" by a gentlewoman. Absolutely fabulous advice, much of which I deliberately ignored in my relationship with Joe. I had thought that since the relationship itself was so non-traditional perhaps I could dispense with traditional forms of behavior. I spent a year -- more than a year -- in tremendous pain. It turns out that traditional behavior is a wonderful emotional protector.

Some pithy truths: A man who is not chasing you is a man who is not interested. It is essential while in a love relationship to keep up your friends and your interests -- the man must never feel that he is indispensable to you. A man smothered in love becomes satiated and bored. When a guy learns that he is indispensable to you he will lose interest so you can't let him know that. Be friendly and sweet and light-hearted, but keep the attitude that you can take him or leave him.