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Marine Corps birthday!
http://shinyredcat.wordpress.com/2010/11/10/marine-corps-birthday/

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Melanie came for Thanksgiving

Mel lives in Tennessee now with Aaron Parker. They intend to marry at some time in the future. He seems like a good guy. She came out on Thanksgiving to visit us, and to take her car and her stuff back to Tennessee with her. I was sad. It's hard to see the kids because I know they are going to leave.

We didn't do much except go to the Harry Potter movie. We had Thanksgiving here at the house, with Grandpa, Karen, David and Jim in attendance. I had been hoping and hoping that we could really talk, but it didn't happen until the very last day, the very last few hours, as we were waiting for 420 Highways to open so I could buy her some medicine. So that was a good thing, that she had lost her own.

Having kids was the most wonderful thing I ever had. Now that it's gone I'm not sure what to do with myself. Nothing is really important.

What if there isn't any more?

One day a woman's husband died, and on that clear, cold morning, in the warmth of their bedroom, the wife realized that sometimes there isn't anymore. No more hugs, no more special moments to celebrate together, no more phone calls just to chat, no more "just one minute."

It always happens, always. What we care most about WILL get all used up and go away. There's nothing you can do to avoid the pain, except to go away first.

Hell of a Weekend

Labor Day weekend was incredible. And not necessarily in a good way. I had planned to go shoot the free flight competition. I'm the unofficial photographer. All the guys like my work, so I like to be there with them. Jim's being all needy, though, so it was hard to get away. The competition was all three days. I went out Saturday and Sunday, then spent Monday with Jim even though I would have rather been photographing.

Jim took me mountain biking to Elk Meadow. We chose a trail that was way too hard for me. I had to push my bike most of the way. The mountain kept going up and up. Finally I collapsed, crying, into a nervous wreck, accompanied by emotionally-induced asthma. Which means I couldn't breathe either.

Plus, the Four Mile Canyon fire started that morning. I got some nice photos of smoke billowing over the mountains. Jim took me up Flagstaff Mountain so we could get a closer look. It's awful. No one's been killed but lots of structures and houses have burned up. Slurry bombers have been flying overhead all day. It's emotionally wrenching.

Today I can barely concentrate on my work. I'd rather be out watching the fire.

My Boyfriend

My boyfriend is a rock climber and a sailor.
He rides a motorcycle and a mountain bike.

I read books and walk dogs and take photographs.
I workout and try to stay nice-looking.

I fulfill my responsibilities.
I'm empty and dull.

I want to be more like him.

Money

Money is an issue that causes a lot of worry for me. I do wish I had married someone who cared about having a steady job. David quit work more than ten years ago and hasn't looked back. Oh sure, he's held part-time jobs here and there but just so he could pay for his own hobbies; he never again thought about making a living or providing for his wife and children. So we weren't provided for.

I lent him $1000 last month. He needed money to pay the phone bill and to pay the movers of the lift that Jim gave him. He hasn't paid me back and very likely won't for a long time.

Jim closed up the shop. It never was a big money-maker. It made just enough to scrape by. Now Jim's at home doing work around the house. This week he's putting in a gate out back. I am paying for materials.

I want David out. And I want a husband who has a good job.

April Fool's Day

Dentist appointment today; first in more than ten years. Doctor very happy with my teeth. Could hardly be better. I do have the beginnings of a small cavity which will need to be filled in the coming six months. My main complaint is my left TMJ which is painful all the time. The doctor took casts of my mouth and I will have a splint to wear at night. Eventually we'll adjust my bite by tweaking the teeth so I no longer have pain.

Also, Jim and I continue being very happy. He has closed the shop. I trust that he won't sit around for several years, not making any money, the way David did.

So Amazing

I've got the most amazing boyfriend. He's so handsome, and funny, and interesting. He wants to be close. He notices right away when there is a divide between us. He wants to spend time with me. He wants to learn to dance! He thinks I'm intelligent and interesting and pretty, and he often tells me he loves me.

In Love

Both of us. He's so sweet. He says "So beautiful" to me. And that he wants to be nice to me. And wants to marry me. We have a very nice time in bed. And generally enjoy each others company. He's a bit of a mystery to me, a mystery that I enjoy.

The day after we have sex is a little hard for me because I miss him so much. There's a hole in my heart, right here, that won't be filled until we're together again.

On another note, I finally answered Kendall's letter.

Birthdays

Don's Birthday: purchased a cake rather than making one. Bought two sweaters as gifts, but he was really rude to me while on the phone with Michaela, so I didn't give them to him. Kendall was very offended by the cake and lack of presents; she wrote me a letter telling me so. Silly Kendall. Don doesn't like birthdays.

Joe's Birthday: We went to lunch at Jin Chan, a cozy little place right quite near Tebo Coin. I purchased cupcakes rather than baking a cake. No present. No sex that night, either, 'cause his tummy was upset.

5 Precepts of Love that Lasts

1. I can live without you
2. My love for you will change
3. You're not everything I need
4. I won't always hold you close
5. You and I aren't one

Sailing!

Lovely time sailing on Saturday which Joe's friend Peter, Peter's sister Renee and Renee's little girl Alessa. So adorable! I had so much fun with that little girl. She kinda took to me, too. I loved hanging out with other adults, like we were a REAL couple. We rode the motorcycle out and back. He kissed me on the dock and said he wanted to make an honest woman of me. And we will someday.

He's Happy

Joe is so happy in this relationship. It's nice to see. He comes up for a morning cuddle; I go down late at night for a good-night kiss. We've talked about getting married -- a very sweet conversation.

Michaela Moved Out

She's really angry at me. There's only one reason that I can think of: She knows about Joe and me but thinks that Don does not knows.

Don has known since September 7, 2008.

I had a frank discussion with Rhiannon and with Kendall about the situation. They were both very understanding. They wished me every happiness and expressed concern about their father. What excellent girls they are!

Happy/unhappy

Rhiannon's home! It's sooo wonderful to have her around.

Michaela and Kendall have slipped away. Kendall says "I love you!" but I don't think she means it. Michaela is exasperated with me 80% of the time.

I'm unhappy today because of Joe. I stood outside his door this morning wondering if I should pop in bed for a moment. I knew there was a 50/50 chance that my presence would annoy him. Now I realize that it's 70/30 -- very very bad odds. I chose to go in. After a few minutes he got up and moved to the bed in the other room. I didn't know where he'd gone at first. I lay there wondering if he was going to come back.

Later he called to apologize; said he didn't want to stop me from coming to bed. Idiot. He has stopped me. I'm never going to put myself in that position again. I am never going to stand at his door and wonder if I should come in. I am never going to lie there alone and wonder if he is coming back.

On the upside: T-bone steaks for dinner ($15 per pound, the most I've ever spent for meat) along with potatoes and salad from our garden! Then Rhiannon and I and maybe Michaela are going to Borders!

I love him but ...

I don't think we're right for each other. He wants strong and bossy; I'm sweet and gentle. I want someone to listen; he wants to talk and talk and talk about himself. I want loving words; he wants to be glib and shallow.

Somehow he always senses when things aren't going well and asks for more time together. Like just now he called and asked if we could spend some time together this evening. He tells me he loves me when he senses I'm upset.

Later that day: So we went for a bike ride, and played a game of UpWords, and had some intimate time. But I still don't feel connected to him somehow. I think it's me. It's because I don't feel like I can talk to him.

Honestly, my life isn't worth living. Who would want to live the life I've created for myself? I can barely stand it myself.

I'm going to try doing only and exactly what I want from now on. Plus be 100% authentic for a change. Since I got nothing, i got nothing to lose. I might as well stop being such a coward.

Next day: our relationship always improves TREMENDOUSLY when I decide I'm going to be my own person. He asked for time together again, and we had a lovely time doing what *I* wanted -- walking the dogs at Waneka Lake at sunset so I could take pics. Afterward he was very loving, which included saying that the future held only me -- Charity.

Maybe we'll be all right.

Test: Negative

Still no period even though the EPT came up negative. I cried when I told him it was negative. I hadn't meant to; it just came happened. We had a really nice talk about being parents. I'd love to have a baby with him, and he'd love to have one with me. He'd like to be a stay-at-home dad; I'd love it if he would.

Our families would be scandalized. It's a shocking situation I admit. But I'm not scandalized. I'm happy. If it were a boy I'd want to name it after its father; if a girl, Mary Constance after its grandmothers, or Mary Eleanor after its grandmother and great-grandmother on its father's side.

Late again!

I was an emotional wreck for five days. That's when I wrote all that stuff below. I'm better now.

I'm late again. Obviously Joe and I are slow learners -- we didn't change our modus operandi after the last scare.

Not that we're scared. We're secretly thrilled. Sure it's a less-than-optimum situation, but we're in love and very happy together, and would be happy to share that feeling with a wee baby.

On the one hand, I don't want a baby. I'm too old. I don't want to get up in the middle of the night. I am the prime supporter of the household. I loved being a mom to Rhiannon, Kendall and Michaela, but now I want to focus on my career and hobbies.

On the other hand, I'd be honored to be the mother of Joe's child. I wouldn't get one started on purpose, but I'm not going to get rid of one if if one should come along.

Wednesday!

My boyfriend senses that something's wrong and it's motivating him to be super sweet and sensitive. He's saying nice things. He's asking if I want to go on a date. He's asking if I want to talk about whatever it is. He's saying that we haven't seen much of each other and need to reconnect.

I want to be strong and not care.

Okay, here's what's good about today:
It's Caroline Brenholdt's birthday!
It's the first UComm Golf Day of the season, and I'm going!
It's sale day at the Salvation Army: clothes and shoes 99 cents each!
Melanie and I filled the Square Foot Gardens with Mel's Mix yesterday. It was heavy work but they look good.

And I've got some nice programming challenges to solve today which I am looking forward to. They are interesting.

I'll be a player, too

All that happens is for my good. This is for my good, too.

He's a player; I'm gonna be.

I'm going to use him and abuse him and have a lot more fun than I've been having. Silly me, caring and wanting and loving. That's all changing. I am going to be happy and strong. I've never used anyone before.

You have to not care, which is doable. I will be able to be more bossy, more truthful, less concerned about what he'll say. Finally. I've been needing this; I just haven't been free to say so. I have tied myself with obligations, which he hasn't tied himself with. I'm free now. This will be interesting and fun.

And don't waste your time being sorry about what he's missing. He doesn't want it. He doesn't want your heart; doesn't want a divine connection; doesn't want an epic love. He's done that in the past and he's done with it. He remembers someone when he hears that song "Me in Honey." There's no place for you in there.